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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
CandyflossKaren · 15/08/2023 12:55

With all the fuss he's surely MORE likely to have issues or a meltdown of some sort!

Keep it low key..

Besttobe8001 · 15/08/2023 12:55

It does sound to me like you don't really understand his job. I manage large IT projects and would be a bit taken aback if one of my engineers couldn't fix a company wide issue on a day they were scheduled to work because it was their child's first day at work. Unless they had annual leave booked, or were a single parent.

JudgeJ · 15/08/2023 12:57

Peachespeachesohpeaches · 15/08/2023 11:38

Er, I went to work on DDs first day. I dropped her off, had a tiny cry and carried on. DH was at work. I didn't know you were meant to make a massive performance about it.

Our school secretary always said there were two types of, usually, mother. One had to be almost forcibly removed and then sat outside her office sobbing to show what a caring mother she was, the other one went into the Reception unit, came out a couple of minutes later and almost danced a jig outside her office.

MintJulia · 15/08/2023 12:57

I really couldn't get too worked up about this. Why would he waste a day's leave? What do you expect him to do?

My ds is 15 and his dad hasn't done one school run yet. I'm not holding my breathe. 🤔

While I understand that you being pregnant means you're feeling tired, surely you just take DS in, introduce him and yourself to the staff, say goodbye to DS and promise to see him later. It's no big deal.

Maray1967 · 15/08/2023 12:57

JenWillsiam · 15/08/2023 11:40

How does him being there impact any of this? Help with what?

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Presumably being heavily pregnant she needs her DH’s help in case DS kicks off due to the unfamiliarity of school.

OP, I understand your concern now I’ve read your later post but my initial response was to wonder what the fuss was about. My Dh did not see our two start school. I took a photo and walked them there and that was that.

If you’re worried that DS might run off or become very angry, is there anyone else who can help?

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 12:58

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 12:49

Still totally OTT, imagine if the whole school made it such a massive performance.

Your DS has zero idea how he’s going to feel, because he’s a small child. It’s you who should dare guarding his potential anxiety and not insisting on waves to nanny and aunty.

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Firstly I don’t insist on any actions from my child - body autonomy is very important in this house.

secondly, weirdly enough I know my child better than you and know they love the fact their family members are coming to say bye. Also if my family want to take a days annual leave it is their choice. Not everyone had that privilege but that’s not my problem.

it is just a weird coincidence on here that every child with more than one person there is in tears but those with one person are totally fine…

also, our school has a lunch time finish and a parents meeting at 10.30 - both of which my husband thinks are important to be there for. So it is simply not just a 5 min goodbye and see you at 330!

UghStopSnoring · 15/08/2023 13:00

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 12:44

Weirdly there is this thing called annual leave.

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I can’t believe entire families have enough leave to use up a precious day for this.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 13:01

ActDottie · 15/08/2023 12:49

I dont understand is this a thing now where parents need to take the day off for their child first day of school??????

As someone who has taught reception for many many years, no-it really isn’t!

There’s a handful each year of children where both parents come on the first day but this isn’t the norm in any school I’ve worked at. The cases where the parents have made a massive thing out of it and the whole family turns up on the first morning are usually the ones where the child gets upset and struggles to settle!

The OP is talking about the logistics of being pregnant and having a child with additional needs though-this is very different and would have been far more useful as the reason for writing her post.

JanieEyre · 15/08/2023 13:01

PARunnerGirl · 15/08/2023 12:35

@3luckystars “… it’s still summer!”

Not here. That finished in 1976 and we haven’t seen it since. 😁

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Weren't you here last year?

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:02

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 12:58

Firstly I don’t insist on any actions from my child - body autonomy is very important in this house.

secondly, weirdly enough I know my child better than you and know they love the fact their family members are coming to say bye. Also if my family want to take a days annual leave it is their choice. Not everyone had that privilege but that’s not my problem.

it is just a weird coincidence on here that every child with more than one person there is in tears but those with one person are totally fine…

also, our school has a lunch time finish and a parents meeting at 10.30 - both of which my husband thinks are important to be there for. So it is simply not just a 5 min goodbye and see you at 330!

Show quote history

If they "love" the fact that the wider family are going to be standing outside the school as they go in - you've already turned it into a bigger circus than it needs to be. Why does your child even need to know who'll be standing outside the classroom, this far in advance?

Whinge · 15/08/2023 13:02

also, our school has a lunch time finish and a parents meeting at 10.30 - both of which my husband thinks are important to be there for. So it is simply not just a 5 min goodbye and see you at 330!

I never understand why schools do this. So you're supposed to drop off at 9am, return at 10.30am for a meeting and then collect them at midday? Confused That seems really disruptive for the children and an absolute nightmare for parents who work.

JudgeJ · 15/08/2023 13:02

if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.

I can 100% guarantee that he could only 'make it back from army deployment' because the army didn't need him for a couple of hours, he was hardly casevaced from active service!

LondonQueen · 15/08/2023 13:03

I'm a teacher so would miss my children's first days now, it's not the end of the world.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 13:03

Op’s son has autism and is obviously severely impacted to have a special school place from age 4 or 5.
One thing if you have a child with a disability is that you don’t get the moments that others take for granted.
I can understand Op wanting a first day at school like everyone else so it becomes a bigger thing.
If you’ve got a dc not starting the local school and being bused in having one day where you take him like the other mums can be important to mum.

luckylavender · 15/08/2023 13:04

Why does he need to be there?

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 13:04

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:02

If they "love" the fact that the wider family are going to be standing outside the school as they go in - you've already turned it into a bigger circus than it needs to be. Why does your child even need to know who'll be standing outside the classroom, this far in advance?

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It’s literally in 24 hours. My kid asks me what is happening all week - so I explain various things.

I don’t think that is uncommon?

imisscashmere · 15/08/2023 13:05

lunaalice · 15/08/2023 11:41

DH is military so missed most school related things. Although if he could be there but wasn't that would be different.

I took my friends son to school for his first day. She went to the dentist. I was a bit 😳 but it was her 3rd 😂😂

Love this. You’re a great friend!

TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 13:05

You're being dramatic. He couldn't plan for an issue to arise and you only need one parent to go to the school

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 13:06

luckylavender · 15/08/2023 13:04

Why does he need to be there?

He’s severely autistic and she’s worried about keeping him safe in a new high stress situation eg can’t run after him if he bolts as she’s heavily pg.

FrostieBoabby · 15/08/2023 13:06

Not sure what the big deal is, they'll be going to school for the next 11+ years?

Be proud of your DH for having a brilliant work ethic which supports his family and forget about the FB 1st day of school family photo that pretty much no one will look at.

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 13:07

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:02

If they "love" the fact that the wider family are going to be standing outside the school as they go in - you've already turned it into a bigger circus than it needs to be. Why does your child even need to know who'll be standing outside the classroom, this far in advance?

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How would a small child have the foresight to know how starting school is going to feel?

How does a small child refuse his nan and aunt? He is still very young.

I agree this is a circus.

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:07

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 13:06

He’s severely autistic and she’s worried about keeping him safe in a new high stress situation eg can’t run after him if he bolts as she’s heavily pg.

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But these problems won't disappear on Day 2 and beyond.

LinaM20 · 15/08/2023 13:08

I work for an IT company. I can only imagine the pressure that could be being put on your husband if a new program has gone wrong. It’s all hands to the pump and those colleagues might not necessarily be the correct people with the correct skills to fix it. I understand it’s annoying for you, but your husband is probably getting a lot of pressure from work too and at the end of the day, they pay the bills…

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 13:09

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:07

But these problems won't disappear on Day 2 and beyond.

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He’s on provided transport from day 2. Usual set up is driver and escort to collect from home. So escort will be there to safely get him from her door and strap in it’s not just Op dealing.

AuntMarch · 15/08/2023 13:10

I've asked my sons dad not to come. Don't want to make a fuss that morning and make it a big thing, he'll be nervous enough.