To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

[Evieanne]

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

It's not just mind boggling to marry your uncle, it's also illegal. I'm morbidly curious (sorry OP!). I just don't understand the incentive to keep it in the family and thought arranged marriages outside were the norm.

Have you seen your birth certificate? Is it possible that your milk mother is your biological mother but your parents brought you over from back home as theirs?
I know a lot of Indian families where this was done back in the 70s.(although I know It would be very difficult to do that in 2001/2)
I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread so please ignore if you've already addressed this.

Also, given that Islam seems quite protective (i.e. things are haram if they are deemed to be unhealthy for you) I am surprised that inbreeding is not forbidden even if it only increases the risk of birth defects by 2%.
That said, our and Philip were third cousins so not without precedent.

Is your aunt also married within the family?

Anyway, you need to go and live with your friend, you don't owe loyalty to someone who hurt you when you were vulnerable.

As I understand it cousin marriage etc kept land in the family rather than it being divided up each generation

Wow a lot going on here but as I understand it, your parents conceived you via ivf. They visited Pakistan where maybe more “old fashioned” relatives might be suspicious that using ivf means you are not biological family. So your aunt stepped in to make you a milk daughter so there are no arguments about your status in the family.

Your parents don’t want to do a DNA test and consider you their daughter. Your mum gave birth to you. Sadly depending on the egg donor laws in the country where they had the ivf you may never know the true identity of the donor. If that is the situation.

Either way they are your parents and you want more freedom. Lots of 21 year olds are not able to move out for financial reasons. You seem to be suggesting that if you can prove you are not biologically one of your parents they will magically give you more freedom. Forgive me if I have the wrong end of the stick here!

agree, it is good that you shouldnt marry your cousins,

Born 1981, we were all fed if needed by family friends. I've fed my best friend's baby once when looking after him, same when she looked after mine.

Breastfed babies will get very upset without their boob. So it's the best thing to do. It will also cause them to produce different antibodies which is a good thing.

Exactly.

Instead of 100 acres becoming (Generation 2) 50 acres X2; then (Generation 3) 25 acres X4; (Generation 4) 10 acres X10;....it stays as one parcel as there are no 'outsiders' carving it up.

Provided everyone has had a blood test, and is sure that all the men are 100% faithful, and not passing on disease.

Mum & dad = Clean; wet nurse 1 - and partner = clean; wet nurse 2 - and partner = clean.

Vs mum & dad = clean.

I'd rather trust the health of my baby to just me & partner.

Perhaps people outside of your culture can give you an outside perspective. Of course we don't understand all the rules most many of which certainly are about the control and oppression of women. There is no need for so much community pressure, condemnation and judgement that you appear to be subject to. You can live your own life on your own terms. You can be happy.

I am not Muslim but I am from a community where intermarriage was/is common and where all babies are tested routinely for certain genetic diseases at birth (my niece, for example, is a carrier, so any potential partners will have to know their status before she thinks about children).

The family structure outlined here is not that uncommon in lots of places and the ages of the dad etc that people are wondering about are a total red herring in big families. Eg my DD has a (half) niece who is older than her.

However the abuse that OP has faced from mostly her mother is another thing altogether and should not be normal or acceptable anywhere. OP, I hope you can get some help to find your freedom from this sad situation in whatever way makes you happy.

Am I getting this right? You've recently found out you were breast fed by your auntie. This means you can be alone with her sons, your cousins because they're now classed as 'brothers' and are not considered male suitors. Your parents however prefer to consider them your cousins (and ignore the milk relationship) and therefore potential suitors so you can't be left alone with them.
Whilst these rules sound bizarre to me the fact is its something that affects your life very much.
Was it deliberately hidden? Why have you been lied to? Could it be that it suits your parents to marry you off to one of your aunties sons, but your auntie (and uncle?) are apposed to this and have sited the milk relationship as a bar to marriage. Conversely could it be that your parents don't trust your cousins to act honourably?
Would you want to marry a cousin? Will you get to choose? Biologically this isn't a great idea, even worse if your parents are also cousins.
What do you want?

Goodness I have rarely read such muddled contradictory nonsense. That was an awful lot of words to try and excuse the oppression and control of women to the point that they have to ask permission to go out and have no freedom of movement.

Because if as you try to disingenuously suggest, the only reason for this practice is so that the patriarch simply knows where the women are, the women would be well within her rights to simply tell the man where she was going to wouldn't she. She wouldn't have to ask. Also to suggest that everyone let's everyone else know where they are at all times is utter nonsense.

Furthermore it is extremely arrogant to suggest that women on here don't understand Islam. I know of at least one English woman who speaks fluent Arabic and pursued Islamic studies to degree level.

With respect, the OP doesn't need advice from a 'sister' who downplays the damage done by being brought up in an environment of deceit and magical thinking. She needs a professional counsellor to help her deal with the emotional trauma and abuse she suffered as a child and the complex relationship she finds herself in with her parents now.

And no matter how much you try to justify it, there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for a woman, who is worth every bit as much as a man to have to ask his permission to go out. It is sad that you have internalised your misogyny to such an extent you are willing to try and excuse this horrific practise where women are treated as little more than children with no agency of their own.

As previous posters have pointed out, just because something is a cultural practise, a tradition or a religious practise, it doesn't make it right.

With regard to the OP, her biological mother is probably her aunt and that's why she has been kept away from her cousins, they could be her half siblings.

Thanks god the sentence before and the quote it refers make my thoughts clear! Yes, there should be a ‘not’ in there!

Bloody hell - what’s going on with my typing today?! Let’s try that again:

Thank God the sentence before and the quote it refers to make my thoughts clear! Yes, there should be a ‘not’ in there!

I don't think I ever read anything so bonkers in my life...

I am the most confused I have been on a thread before but I'm staying to learn

Equality? From the start 😂😂😂

Honestly how do you brainwash yourself to this extent?

Let's start at the very beginning, as it's a very good place to start.

How many wives did Muhammad have?

How many husbands are Muslim women allowed?

Yeah, it's not the same is it?

There is absolutely no equality in Islam. It is predicated on the control of women's bodies and their fertility.

And as for extremism being a tiny minority of people, tell that to the women of Saudi who have only just won the right to drive and the ones still locked up for the pursuit of that right. That's pretty extreme. Oh yes, it's all so entirely equal because men could not drive either of course. Oh wait.......

We've already had on this thread one previous poster warning the OP that if she moves out that she needs to tell her parents she isn't going to shag everyone or be a slag. I mean, seriously in this day and age, demeaning women as slags? I mean god forbid a woman should be considered a sexual being who is capable of deciding for herself how many partners she wishes to have. It is laughable that a woman is still having her worth decided by her perceived purity levels. If she sleeps with more than one man she is basically irredeemable isn't she?

I'm sure the girls and I do mean girl children who were groomed by gangs of Muslim men in Rotherham and the like felt dirty and disposable, just as those men considered them dirty and disposable because they weren't 'sisters' like you lot on this thread bigging yourselves up as somehow special and enlightened and protected. Those Muslim men didn't do much to protect those little girls did they? But that's okay isn't it, because they're unbelievers so who gives a fuck about their trauma as the hands of these men who are so invested in the religion of equality.

On the flip side men are promised attractive women with big eyes, attractive vaginas and pear shaped breasts once they go to heaven. They can fuck the Houris over and over and over again and somehow their purity remains miraculously intact. What a delightfully enlightened way of viewing women eh? As permanent fuck holes there to serve men's sexual needs.

There is no corresponding virginal man with a six pack, a six inch tongue and a massive schlong. Again, oh so equal.

There is one reason and one reason only that purity and protection are pushed and pushed and pushed over again within religion as a requirement for women and that is so that men feel they have some level of control over what genes end up in a child. That's it. That's your lot. That's why women are oppressed by religion. No more, no less.

So women must either stay indoors, or go out with a male guardian and only with permission. They must wrap their entire body so they are 'modest' lest their female flesh provoke male sexual aggression which would then of course be their own fault (thanks Imran Khan for recently reminding women that it's our fault if we get raped and we don't happen to wearing a tarpaulin at the time) and impinge on that all important purity. That is not freedom or equality, in fact it is a grotesque parody of that.

So you can keep proselytizing about women's right being more advanced in the Islamic world than in the West, but don't forget to fully cover up and ask a male relative if it's actually okay while you're at it.

Massive risk of genetic abnormalities. Please do not consider marrying a cousin.

Hope you get some answers soon 💐

@Catusrusty

👏 👏 👏 X 100

From an evolutionary perspective that is the reason, also works for capitalism. Men need to know who their children are to protect / pass on wealth. It seems prior to understanding how babies are made women were worshipped as fertility gods.

@Efacsen @LylaLee

This is true! Look at the British Royal Family! Interbreed for years, King George suffered porphyria due to the close genetic tie and went "mad" due to no treatment in the 1700's! The current BRF still carry that gene, sadly.

Memoni Muslims practise this a lot, for reasons of wealth

I went to school with a girl, whose parents were cousins and their parents were cousins, yada, yada and she was then married to her cousin, suffered lots of miscarriages/stillbirths, finally had a baby, very severely disabled and ended up divorced. Whilst married, her and her hubby were given genetic counselling as the doctors couldn't understand why these babies were so severely disabled, and the girl and her hubby never told anyone they were cousins! But yeah, marrying Family members for any reason is a no-no!

I’m not wanting to marry my cousins, I was highlighting the fact that being breast fed is seen as sacred, so much that it alters the family dynamics and places prohibitions on people you would have otherwise been allowed to marry, even though the genetic relation does not change.

But I was born in the UK and my birth entry shows up on the local records too and my place of birth is my local hospital, I’m not sure how that would work if my aunt had me. I’m going to ask my cousin on my mum’s side for a specific dna test because he’s half white (5 of them are) and this could make things a lot more clearer.

I’m still waiting on an application form from the landlord to finalise the tenancy