Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

451 replies

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 11:31

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/08/2023 16:33

*not among the best

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/08/2023 16:34

In any case religions have been built by men, for men.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/08/2023 16:35

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/08/2023 16:30

Exactly.

It's roughly 50-50.

In fact a geneticist told me that slightly more males are born .... Because slightly more males will die doing risk taking things than females.

The countries with skewed male to female ratios practice female infanticide in various forms.

(Or they attract majority male migrants for various reasons).

MysteryBelle · 15/08/2023 16:36

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 15/08/2023 15:05

@TheoTheopolis23 men can have up to 4 wives ,should they want to. Why would a woman need 4 men, to be her husband or father of the children.
And if a man does take two wives, the first wife should be happy and on board and present her with gifts. I know of a story where the first wife couldn't produce/bear children, he wife said he could marry another lady as he always wanted a family. They actually co parent quite well altogether.

Another lady I know married a man who already had a first wife and and she married him willingly. At first, there was a bit of jealousy but now all is fine. One lives on the top floor, one loves on the ground floor of the house. All works fine.

If you do have more than one wife, you have to be kind, just, spend equally on them all and have equal time with them all.

What in the world did I just read.

Loulou599 · 15/08/2023 16:41

So if women are just, kind, and spend equal time and money on their husbands, can they have multiple husbands?

JoanOfAllTrades · 15/08/2023 16:42

PollyThePixie · 15/08/2023 16:28

I'm not sure because none of the Muslim men I know have any interest in having more than one wife

Ive heard men say that only to hear they did go on to have a second wife. I’m not saying they were lying when saying they would never have a plural marriage but as life goes on they change their mind. Some are then open about it and others aren’t.

You might be right, but the married men I know need to get a wriggle on, as most are over 60 now! And the younger generation Muslims that I know can barely afford to get married in these times of global slowdown and so many of them now don't worry about rules about dating etc. Mind you, my family wasn't really on the extreme end of the spectrum! I'm nearly 40 years with my husband, who's white and not Muslim. And most of my family welcomed him. In fact, the matriarch insisted that only English be spoken when hubby was about as he certainly doesn't have an ear for languages.

I mean, I can throw out Sunnah and Hadith and explain the reasons why some of the crackpot ideas came into fruition and I can be naughty and throw out stuff just to be devils advocate but seriously?

To me, the most important things about being Muslim are being God-fearing (so I live a moral life), treating others how I would like to be treated, and keeping God in my heart and mind at all times. And I feel that anyone from any religion probably keeps those same things close to them as well.

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/08/2023 16:43

So how old is your Dad OP?

FooFighter99 · 15/08/2023 16:48

Hopefully this helps ppl to understand the family tree

To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?
Evieanne · 15/08/2023 16:48

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/08/2023 16:43

So how old is your Dad OP?

In his 50s. My great grandmother who is my mum’s paternal grandmother (my dad’s other aunty) died in the 80s, my dad’s aunts and uncles had age gaps between them and my dad’s parents had kids later in life compared to their siblings so my nana is 20 years older than my dad, her first cousin (she’s the daughter of my dad’s second sister)

OP posts:
ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 15/08/2023 16:50

It wasn’t a slap or two. It was constant beating with wires and wooden spoons and the metal roti holder for ages it was pure torture. She’s the reason I have a personality disorder and scars on my body so I’m afraid I can’t see any compassion for her because she didn’t see any for me.
@Evieanne

I think this is far more of a concern than the issue of whether or not your aunt breastfed you and your relationship with your cousins .

I was holding back from commenting on this thread as I think to a large extent people need to be mindful and respectful of other cultures and faiths - however this is very clearly physical abuse.

I gather, if you are 21 and considering moving out from home, that you are working and earning ? Do you think you are safe to move out ? Do you think that there is any likelihood of harm coming to you from any of your family members if you do that ?

My feelings after having read this is that you should seek to move away from your parents' home, and also that the this assault should be reported as a historical assault to the police, and let them know if you are still fearful .

JoanOfAllTrades · 15/08/2023 16:51

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/08/2023 16:43

So how old is your Dad OP?

A good question because if he's really her mum's, or hers, great-uncle, he will be roughly the grandfathers or grandmothers, age! Good grief!!

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 16:55

JoanOfAllTrades · 15/08/2023 16:51

A good question because if he's really her mum's, or hers, great-uncle, he will be roughly the grandfathers or grandmothers, age! Good grief!!

No of course not. I replied to her in my other message. Cousins can have 20-30 years between them, as my nana and dad do, he’s my mum’s first cousin once removed, he’s my nana’s first cousin and only a few years older than my mum

OP posts:
Crossstich · 15/08/2023 16:55

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 12:14

I’m 21, I live in the UK. I think I’m going to do a dna test and if it comes out that I’m not related biologically I’m moving out. I don’t think I could deal with the overthinking and the guilt.

Are you 100% sure got sister is the biological child of both your parents? If not a test might not help

LylaLee · 15/08/2023 16:55

FooFighter99 · 15/08/2023 16:48

Hopefully this helps ppl to understand the family tree

So instead of DNA from 8 different people as great-grandparents there are 2 people providing the DNA.

A DNA test for op won't yield anything clear if birth parents are not the ones on the birth certificate, but other people from this intertwined family tree.

Loulou599 · 15/08/2023 16:58

@FooFighter99
Jeez so it's not just one instance of inter-breeding but two.
In that case doing a DNA test is going to be pointless.

MysteryBelle · 15/08/2023 17:01

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 16:01

Because my paternal grandfather is my nana’s mother’s brother. So my dad is my nana’s first cousin, not my mum’s first cousin

Op. Run as far away from all these people, be they nanas, mother’s brothers, first cousins, guardians, chaperones, spoon wielding abusive mothers,

Run.

Be a free woman. Independent. Free. Autonomous. Date and marry someone of your own choosing, excluding near relatives because we all know why.

So, do not date your cousins, milk or no milk. They are all too closely related to you, and judging from the context, would be controlling you just as your mother and aunty and all these other family members have done all your life.

MysteryBelle · 15/08/2023 17:04

I think you need to move to the other side of the world and leave the ‘family’ behind and don’t look back.

Boomboom22 · 15/08/2023 17:19

Doa dna test if you want but move out regardless and consider how much contact you want to have with people who beat you. It's not cultural and even if it is it's illegal to beat children in the UK. Would you be at risk eg of honour if you leave? Do you have trusted people outside of Islam? Maybe you said your mums UK family side but that might be too close f9r you.

XenophobicPooTroll · 15/08/2023 17:20

Toddlerteaplease · 15/08/2023 11:52

You can go out with whoever you like. Wherever you like.

I agree with this .You're an adult . It's not as though you are under 18 and under jurisdiction of your parents.

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 17:27

So is a 23and me dna test just going to be useless? because I know all of my 1-3rd cousins and most of them are related to me in 2 ways and we don’t have 4th cousins cos of the way our family interbred cos of all their (grandparents) siblings and cousins and parents cousins intermarried. My generation aren’t carrying it on though.

Me and my friend have put a deposit down for a house and hopefully we get it. I just can’t deal with the suffocation, I appreciate my parents a lot and they are familiar but I can’t say I love them, it just isn’t there! Now I understand why certain relatives have nothing to do with the family and why they walked away and went awol with nobody knowing where they are. Yes I work but I’m going to have to get another one in the area I’m moving to. I’m just terrified of moving out mainly because of their reaction towards it, they’re just gonna make it so awkward for me, and she’ll shout at me saying why didn’t i ask permission and how my dad would have said no. I want to just have the space to breathe rather than asking for permission every single time because how else am I going to live and become independent for my own kids.

OP posts:
Azaeleasinbloom · 15/08/2023 17:39

Op, I truly wish you all the best in your attempt to live independently.

As others have said, I would let the DNA question go. It is clouding the issue. For whatever reason your mother has behaved badly towards you and your father has let you down by allowing this to happen repeatedly.

Reach out to the agencies others have suggested, the Muslim Women’s Association , a trusted contact at your Mosque. Leave the abusers behind and enjoy building your new life. Good luck.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 15/08/2023 17:45

OP wasn't told that she had milk brothers. That's culturally significant to her. She was told that she couldn't be alone with them when in fact she could have had a much more meaningful family relationship with them, in a culture where by the sound of it she had very little opportunity to forge non-sexualised relationships with boys/men as a child and young woman. I understand the temptation to unpick some of the patriarchal/sexist customs that are bound up with that, but it's possible to do that with compassion and without judgment.

viques · 15/08/2023 17:50

Barold · 15/08/2023 13:30

👏Say it louder for the people in the back.

Respecting religions (or anything else) does mean blindly respecting harmful/derogatory practices associated with them.

I hope you missed out a not in that final sentence! So it reads

does not mean blindly accepting harmful/ derogatory practices!

RiderofRohan · 15/08/2023 17:55

I was raised Muslim and totally get this post. But I'm actually lolling at how mind-boggling it must for everyone else.

Why would you be upset? Do you want to marry your cousin?

PollyThePixie · 15/08/2023 18:05

RiderofRohan · 15/08/2023 17:55

I was raised Muslim and totally get this post. But I'm actually lolling at how mind-boggling it must for everyone else.

Why would you be upset? Do you want to marry your cousin?

I know. I just married into the culture and apart from the beatings the Op had I’ve taken everything else in my stride.

Swipe left for the next trending thread