To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

[Evieanne]

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

Not is men marrying underage girls equality.

I could give a hundred examples.

But delusion is self chosen so ....

What an incredibly rude and insensitive post.

Ever thought of reading threads before posting?

*Nor

Bloody hell, I take back what I said Op! I am so, so sorry. In many ways, this piece of information is much more relevant than the IVF thingy OP. Your mother abused you and whether she is your birth mother is really unimportant (birth mothers have done similar). Put yourself first. You can leave home and still be a good muslim.

This is turning into a let's bash Islam thread. Rather than help op.

"I am a Muslim from a different ethnic background/culture and everything you wrote is completely alien to me" Same here. It sounds as though it's a cultural practice, not based on religion. People often treat these things as one and the same and they are definitely not.

I have a full birth certificate with their names on it, that means I’m definitely not adopted right?

A UK birth certificate? Yes, it should mean that but it's not 100%.

Having watched 'Long Lost Family' last night there's room for doubt. It was proved lies were told on Irish birth certificates (probably by the nuns!) to suggest adoptive parents were biological parents. Rare and some time ago but lies are not unheard of on official documents.

So then, regardless of any religion, do you have anything to do with her? And why do you want anything to do with the wider family who knew of this and allowed it to happen? A DNA test with that much inbreeding will not provide guaranteed clarity, but what is clear, is whether she is your mum or not, you should remove her from your life

However the complex relationship web within your family works, and however you were conceived, and however this relates to your faith - all this things need to sit on the back burner for a while.
By the sounds of it, you have been lied to, beaten and abused for most of your life. You need care. And compassion. And space away from these people, regardless of their relationship to you.
I wish you all the luck in the world - run for the hills darling, and don’t look back.

This is why I do not understand why anyone follows organised religion. Imagine living by made up rules about an imaginary figure.

Sorry thought it was a bored teen mid aug didn't realise this was real! Sounded too wild to be true, crazy. Good luck with the dna test/escaping etc, hope it works out.

@TheoTheopolis23 men can have up to 4 wives ,should they want to. Why would a woman need 4 men, to be her husband or father of the children.
And if a man does take two wives, the first wife should be happy and on board and present her with gifts. I know of a story where the first wife couldn't produce/bear children, he wife said he could marry another lady as he always wanted a family. They actually co parent quite well altogether.

Another lady I know married a man who already had a first wife and and she married him willingly. At first, there was a bit of jealousy but now all is fine. One lives on the top floor, one loves on the ground floor of the house. All works fine.

If you do have more than one wife, you have to be kind, just, spend equally on them all and have equal time with them all.

You think we should take some posters' very defensive assertions about Islam being a religion that is good for women at face value? I haven't replied to those posts and concentrated on helping OP, but you must realise that the religion's rules on sex mixing, assisted conception, marriage etc all have a direct bearing here. The first person to bring up Aisha was a muslim poster! FFS. The holier-than-thou generalising about western cultures was plain wrong too.

fellow muslim here. I can understand why you are angry. but few points

(1) mumsnet really not the right place for this discussion as I feel people who are of other faiths/atheist/agnostic will find this confusing and weird. also they will not be able to give you any informed advice. you will also probably get a lot of the usual "this is so misogynistic" from people who aren't aware of the historical/theological context which will just upset you unnecessarily.

(2) I mean, unless you practically live with these cousins, not that hard to wear a hijab when they are around? obviously that is only if you wear a hijab. this idea of guardianship, i think you misunderstand it. islamically, the only person who can "marry you off" is you. male guardians (and this only applies if said male guardians truly fulfill all the roles of said male guardian I.e. Full financial support, ensuring your safety and well being) duty is to look into people you want to marry and conduct marriage contract negotiations on your behalf, they cannot force you to marry or prevent you from marrying. although it is recommended that you take your parents (both parents, not just male guardians) advice before marriage. in this day and age, these rules on guardianship are a massive gray area.

(3) if you are following the religious rules (not to be confused with messed up, toxic cultural values) very strictly, the best people for advice are religious scholars who belong to the same school of thought as yourself.

(4) why not do a DNA test with your dad? or even your paternal aunt? a 17 year old can give consent DNA test if deemed competent by medical practitioner (Gillick competence)

not sure why this is such a big issue? unless you want to marry one of your cousins? which although it's allowed, I wouldn't reccommend as your parents are already related and that hugely increases the chances of birth defects.

Reading your post is truly sad. The lies and not being truthful with you I feel is a firm of abuse. You have a right to know your heritage and who you are related to either by biology or cultural (the milk thing). You were also physically abused, there is no excuse for an adult to use corporal punishment on a child.
If you decide to go your own way, you have done so because of the way you have been treated, do not feel guilt or shame for this. I’m a parent, if I hit or lied to my kids I would fully expect them to have nothing to do with me as an adult. I wouldn’t expect them to stay with a partner to hit or gaslighted them.

have you considered therapy? I think it would be good for you to talk to someone to workout your feelings.

That's all really.

Usually the simplest explanations are the truth. The convoluted tale re IVF etc can be discounted.

So maybe if your parents couldn't conceive, your aunt allowed one of her daughters to be brought up by them - a de facto if not legal adoption.

Your mother has realised that this now leaves your cousins in an untenable situation vis a vis you ie you may be thinking of them as possible marriage partners ( especially as this seems to be a pattern in your family.)

So she has 'suddenly remembered ' that her sister , your aunt, breast fed you making them your milk brothers and therefore unavailable.

The bigger picture that you are their sister, is therefore still being covered up as your mother doesn't want to confess the original lie that you are not her daughter. In her defence your parents may well have agreed that you would inherit their estates and she would therefore believe that it was a very good financial deal for you.

I mention this as a possibility as a not dissimilar thing actually happened in my wider family. My distant aunt and uncle allowed their last daughter ( seventh child) to be brought up by maiden aunts. They agreed that the daughter would inherit their estates.

If you have read 18th/19th Century novels this was not that unusual in Britain in the past.

You are living in an abusive household. You need to leave.

I wouldn't imagine that you have been formally adopted by your 'parents'

My guess, and it's only a guess, is that your Aunt carried you and then gave you to your 'Mum' as soon as you were born

The whole IVF thing sounds fabricated to me

As your 'Mum' abused you for a long time, I'd aim to get away from her, if you can. Live away from her, I'd suggest

Cousin marriage is genetically bad news @Evieanne
Even pedigree animals avoid such a close union because of potential bad recessive traits passing onto any offspring.

Closely related partners can have seriously affected children.

Your Aunt breastfeeding you will have no impact on you whatsoever, genetically.

I’m sorry but I think you have a very naive view of these kind of marriages. Granted they can work but my personal experience based on a lifetime of experience in a country where this is practiced is that there’s way more tears than laughter within this set up and the whole situation can be something like an awful soap opera. Very few of these marriages end up with both women happy and still married further down the line.

It's really not.

People can't help but respond to ridiculous claims and derogatory opinions of "western" culture.

While hearing op's abuse in the name of religion & culture.

If you do have more than one wife, you have to be kind, just, spend equally on them all and have equal time with them all

This rarely happens.

men can have up to 4 wives ,should they want to. Why would a woman need 4 men, to be her husband or father of the children.

It's not about needing to.

What a bizarre attitude you have.

There can be no equality where men can have multiple wives, end of story.
It is simply not possible.

It does not exist in any country with full equality and civil liberties for both sexes.

Why would a woman need 4 men, to be her husband or father of the children.

Oh and why would a man need 4 women to be his wife and mother to his children?!!!!!!

They managed just fine with one in my country (families commonly of 10 and more children). And noone wants or needs families of that size anymore anyway.