To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

[Evieanne]

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

How can anyone possibly have a partnership of equals of one partner is married to multiple people, all of whom are only married to that one? It doesn’t make any sense!

She should be in prison.

My guess, and it's only a guess, is that your Aunt carried you and then gave you to your 'Mum' as soon as you were born

my experience is that if this happened it wouldn't be hidden. Its a solution to a problem and people are usually very open about it. But if the Op is born in the Uk it would mean her aunt had to give birth there in order to get the Birth certificate.

It's actually sick for a man to fuck four women and create kids with four women at the same time.

Sick that he takes his dick from one to the other to the other.

They're like cows with a bull - a situation that doesn't even exist naturally.

We are not bovine.

Goes to show how brain washed women can be that they come to accept or think it's normal that their "husband" sticks his cock in other women at the same time as her regularly.

While she, of course, is faithful.

Seriously, how much more under their boots do you want to be?

@Evieanne Is there any way you can get a DNA test to prove your true parents?

Your supposed mum “ Wasn’t sure “ if you were hers or not?!
what nonsense is that!
She would know if you were hers or not, because she gave birth to you.

Maybe you are your Aunt’s birth child after all, which explains the brutality shown to you by your “ Mother”
DNA would at least let you know,one way or another.

I’m not Muslim but of another faith. Mumsnet isn’t very understanding always about faith related things. Perhaps go on a Muslim forum for a more sympathetic hearing. I don’t think YABU at all.

It is true that I don't understand all the cultural and religious norms in your culture OP. However, it is also true that there are many families which follow Islam and come from Pakistan where children are not routinely beaten or as adult women have to follow restrictive and oppressive practices.

I would get in touch with the Muslim Women's Network OP. Helpline number 0800 999 5786. I think they would be able to give you an initial conversation to unpick some of the issues in your OP. They also offer counselling in person if you live near Birmingham or by telephone if you don't.

The problem with this thread is there are too many views at one end of the spectrum - it's cultural normal to be hit - or the other - you should just ignore religion. Your situation is much more nuanced and you need someone who can both understand the cultural context and also sensitively challenge it if it proves abusive or oppressive.

OMG.

SIS (OPs Great grandma) SIS (OPs Great grandma) BRO (Grandad) BRO
SON (OPs Grandad) + DAUGHTER (Grandma) SON (Dad)
DAUGHTER (Mum)

OP

Your grandparents were cousins
Your Mum married her uncle
Your Dad is also your great-uncle?
I hope your aunt is just a milk aunt because those genes seem far too close

You shouldn't be marrying your cousins anyway. As for being alone you can be alone with who eve you choose. You don't need to live by oppressive traditions.

Unfortunately the fact that your parents are on your birth certificate does not ensure that they are indeed your biological parents.

It is illegal to give the wrong information when you register a birth but not necessarily therefore not done by mistake or design.

My great grandmother registered her son's birth. Got the father's name right in answer maybe to the question 'the name of this baby's father?') but presumably the next question was ' and the mother's? so she gave her husband's mother's name, her mother in law.

(As her m in law was in her late 50s this was unlikely!)

My great grandmother was very young, born in Ireland, not a native speaker of English and not knowledgable about the law so understandably no doubt finding the whole palaver difficult.

Cultural and religious issues aside, I think that there are secrets which don't come out for years in many families. When they do surface we can feel really deeply affected by them and take a while to process that information. I'd say that's the stage you are at now.

It's good that you can go outside with your male cousins as you were all breast fed by your aunt (I believe it's what you are saying). However, be assured that there is nothing restricting you from going somewhere with any man you choose to go with - because you are being restricted by a set of old fashioned beliefs, nothing more. You do not need to be breast fed by the same person, it's ridiculous that that simple fact makes it "ok" and it's a really out dated concept. So, does it matter that the secret was kept from you? In my view not at all - because it's pretty meaningless in the real world..

So @mirax , because of the donor milk = kinship thing, some Muslim families may refuse donations from women like me for their very prem/sick babies? Even though they never meet me, wouldn't know who I am? Mind boggles. It's certainly something that was never mentioned to me at either of the large milk banks where I donated.

If a man can have multiple wives but a woman can't have multiple husbands (or wives...) then that's not equality.

This ^ is what you should do @Evieanne. Call the helpline.

Regarding your mother beating you like that - I sincerely hope that she's no longer being so abusive! You need to get away ASAP as this situation is unhealthy and unsafe!

Is it possible that you were born in Pakistan to different parents/your popi, the birth certificate falsified and then a British birth certificate issued afterwards, because your parents are British? I've only ever heard anecdotes about this type of thing happening, and nothing recent (in the last 30 or so years) so I'm not sure how widespread it is/was. A cousin of mine was born in Pakistan and got her British birth cert issued just before coming to the UK with my aunt and uncle, so I know that does happen but I'm not sure how one would falsify birth certs as usually the hospital issues a document with all the details on, such as birth mothers name, but corruption exists everywhere!

I can't speak for the cultural or religious side of things, but I think moving out with your friend sounds like a positive step. Put the DNA test and family secrets at the back of your mind for a while and focus on finding your feet alone and your mental health. When your sister is legally an adult, come back to it, or maybe by then you'll have decided against it - either way it sounds like a bit of distance from your parents would be good for you to think things through.

I assume it's islam?

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate

men can have up to 4 wives ,should they want to. Why would a woman need 4 men, to be her husband or father of the children.

Why would a man need 4 women, to be his wife or mother of the children?

@monsteramunch in islam I think the 4 wives thing was there to reduce poverty. A married man HAS to provide for all his wife's expenses and necessities in life.

@SequinsandStiIettos also the op grand mother and father are cousins! How is that possible! So bizzare

@Lambiriyani and also because there are more women in the world than men.

I personally couldn't be a co wife but its interesting how others do it and it works for them.

Because my paternal grandfather is my nana’s mother’s brother. So my dad is my nana’s first cousin, not my mum’s first cousin

This can't be right surely?

Uncle/aunt cannot marry niece/nephew, it's haram and no nikkah would be read.

And the dad cannot be the greatuncle for the same reason!

@Evieanne must be getting confused somewhere as her dad would be extremely old as well!

There is only a 4:1 ratio when a large number of men have been killed in wars.