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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay for her??

123 replies

Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 07:24

So I'm getting married next year and having a small wedding. I asked my 2 sisters to be bridesmaids. I am not having a hen party and they don't have to pay for anything for me. I have paid for all their expenses like dress, hair and makeup and just asked them to pick their own shoes and pay for their own as they could wear what they want.

So the problem came when it came to the hotel. I'm paying for both parents which costs close to 500e already but one of my sisters started asking why I wasn't paying for hers and actually started a fight with me over it. So I being unreasonable for not paying for their hotel rooms aswell?

OP posts:
calmcoco · 15/08/2023 07:26

Traditionally the bride covers the bridal party's costs, is my understanding.

A guest can decline if they don't want to pay the accommodation costs.

MinnieMountain · 15/08/2023 07:27

Is there a cheaper hotel nearby that she can stay in? My hotel cost wasn’t covered when I was a bridesmaid.

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 07:27

I do get where you are coming from in one way it seems like a lot you are paying for but this is your event so they are doing all this for you, so yes I would pay

OhCobblers · 15/08/2023 07:28

Absolutely unreasonable of her and bloody rude!

No need to pay for anyone's room - very kind and generous of you to pay for the parents.

When I got married both sides of our family had to travel and stay in hotels and we didn't pay for any of them! we were already paying for our wedding!

redskytwonight · 15/08/2023 07:30

What's her financial position? Will it be a struggle to afford the hotel? Are you getting married in some massively out of the way place?

I think you need to separate out the fact you're paying for her dress, makeup etc as you are doing those things for your benefit - not hers.

HelloSquire · 15/08/2023 07:31

Paying for their dresses, make-up and shoes is a red herring. They are things you want to make your day nicer but I do think they shouldn't expect you to pay for their accommodation
It's rude to ask

Sirzy · 15/08/2023 07:34

Is staying at the hotel the only practical way they can attend?

Finlesswonder · 15/08/2023 07:36

@OhCobblers
When I got married both sides of our family had to travel and stay in hotels and we didn't pay for any of them! we were already paying for our wedding!
Actually I think that's bloody rude. So you're already forcing both sides of your family to give up their time + travel + stay away for a few days, and the expectation is of course they should pay for it? Why didn't you just have your wedding at one of the side's location?

Flora56 · 15/08/2023 07:36

I think if you’re insisting she stay in the same very expensive hotel then you’re being unreasonable. If you’re not bothered where she stays and there’s a range of choice then you’re not.

You do have to be prepared for people not being able to afford to attend a wedding though, particularly when they involve travel and overnight stays.

msbevvy · 15/08/2023 07:37

calmcoco · 15/08/2023 07:26

Traditionally the bride covers the bridal party's costs, is my understanding.

A guest can decline if they don't want to pay the accommodation costs.

Traditionally, it is the bride's parents that pay for the wedding costs.

If the bride has choses to foot the bill for their stay I would expect her to pay for the bridesmaids as well, but only if this expensive hotel stay is a necessary part of the wedding.

Original poster
Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 07:45

I get the whole traditional wedding. But mine wasn't a traditional one. Usually the bridesmaids have out of pocket expenses like hen party or night away but I decided against this so they didn't have any out of pocket expenses to pay.

She doesn't have financial worries so money wasn't the issue and I wasn't putting her in a tight spot with money by her just paying for her hotel room. She would have been attending the wedding the obviously anyway because I'm her sister

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 15/08/2023 07:48

Finlesswonder · 15/08/2023 07:36

@OhCobblers
When I got married both sides of our family had to travel and stay in hotels and we didn't pay for any of them! we were already paying for our wedding!
Actually I think that's bloody rude. So you're already forcing both sides of your family to give up their time + travel + stay away for a few days, and the expectation is of course they should pay for it? Why didn't you just have your wedding at one of the side's location?

Because our wedding was in the place we called "home". I had no desire to be married where I grew up and nor did my husband.

It was one night, though they chose to stay for two and they were well aware that we were paying thousands already without expecting us to offer to pay for their accommodation too!!

Original poster
Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 07:48

And yes there are places close by that are cheaper but she doesn't want this. She just thinks I should be paying for her hotel room.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/08/2023 07:53

If she is having to travel to be a part of your bridal party then yes you should be paying for the accommodation

harriethoyle · 15/08/2023 07:54

Unless you're insisting that she stay at the wedding hotel or have said she needs to be there early doors ie pre 8am for hair and make up, yanbu. Equally, you're doing dresses, hair etc for your benefit not theirs so that's a red herring in terms of things you've bought for her...

TheCatterall · 15/08/2023 07:58

I’d seriously be considering if you even need 2 bridesmaids at this point. She can either stay locally elsewhere or get a grip. Has she got a partner she’s attending with?

Original poster
Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 08:01

It is a one night wedding and we are getting ready in the family home so all travelling together which I have obviously paid for.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 15/08/2023 08:03

Dnbu in that case!

drpet49 · 15/08/2023 08:03

Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 07:48

And yes there are places close by that are cheaper but she doesn't want this. She just thinks I should be paying for her hotel room.

No way would I pay for her.

Hercisback · 15/08/2023 08:05

£500 for a hotel is a lot though, unless I've misread. Could you pay half?

Original poster
Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 08:14

Sorry I mean 500e for both sides parents so that's 2 of the best rooms in the hotel so cheaper ones available. Yes she is attending with her partner.

OP posts:
Imsureitsprobablymebut · 15/08/2023 08:21

Why are you paying for parents (guests) but not sister (wedding party) ?

YourNameGoesHere · 15/08/2023 08:23

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 15/08/2023 08:21

Why are you paying for parents (guests) but not sister (wedding party) ?

This was my thought? Surely your parents can also afford to pay for hotel rooms and would be expected to come as they are your parents (all reasons you're using to be annoyed at your sister).

Wouldn't it have made more sense to provide everyone with a cheaper room rather than spend lots on some of the best rooms for some relatives and leave others having to pay for their own?

MCOut · 15/08/2023 08:42

YANBU All she has to pay for is the room. That is not a lot to ask of your sibling. If she couldn’t afford it, it would be different and you’ve minimised costs when compared to other British weddings.

Scienceadvisory · 15/08/2023 08:50

Why pay for the best rooms for parents and nothing for siblings. Why not average rooms for all?
Not that I would pay for a hotel room for anyone but it seems a bit odd to so clearly favourite your parents.