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Original poster

Should I pay for her??

123 replies

Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 07:24

So I'm getting married next year and having a small wedding. I asked my 2 sisters to be bridesmaids. I am not having a hen party and they don't have to pay for anything for me. I have paid for all their expenses like dress, hair and makeup and just asked them to pick their own shoes and pay for their own as they could wear what they want.

So the problem came when it came to the hotel. I'm paying for both parents which costs close to 500e already but one of my sisters started asking why I wasn't paying for hers and actually started a fight with me over it. So I being unreasonable for not paying for their hotel rooms aswell?

OP posts:
TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 13:09

calmcoco · 15/08/2023 07:26

Traditionally the bride covers the bridal party's costs, is my understanding.

A guest can decline if they don't want to pay the accommodation costs.

Traditionally the brides parents provide the brides money so actually they're already being non traditional.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 13:10

Finlesswonder · 15/08/2023 07:36

@OhCobblers
When I got married both sides of our family had to travel and stay in hotels and we didn't pay for any of them! we were already paying for our wedding!
Actually I think that's bloody rude. So you're already forcing both sides of your family to give up their time + travel + stay away for a few days, and the expectation is of course they should pay for it? Why didn't you just have your wedding at one of the side's location?

... yes. I've paid for my room at various family weddings. They already cost £10-20k without another £10k of rooms to pay for. If people don't want to pay then they can RSVP no.

Not everyone lives in their home town.

LadyBird1973 · 15/08/2023 13:12

@Awfuljob but at the same time it's not classy for the OPs sister to insist on the expensive hotel and not an alternative (provided alternative is still decent) that the OP can more easily afford.

redskytwonight · 15/08/2023 13:34

TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 13:10

... yes. I've paid for my room at various family weddings. They already cost £10-20k without another £10k of rooms to pay for. If people don't want to pay then they can RSVP no.

Not everyone lives in their home town.

Show quote history

The cost of your wedding is your choice. You don't have to spend thousands.

In this situation does the sister have a genuine option to say "No"?

Iwantcakeeveryday · 15/08/2023 13:37

I maybe am behind on wedding etiquette, but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't expect you to pay for me if I was in your sisters position.

Onceuponaheartache · 15/08/2023 13:40

Awfuljob · 15/08/2023 12:46

Anyone who makes their bridesmaids pay for anything is wrong, it should really be paid for by the wedding party. If you can’t offer that basic courtesy then you can’t afford to get married. I wish people would just forget about themselves sometimes and be classy.

I can happily afford my wedding thanks. If others can't afford to be a part of it then they should decline participation. It is an invite not a sumons after all.

Awfuljob · 15/08/2023 13:43

Onceuponaheartache · 15/08/2023 13:40

I can happily afford my wedding thanks. If others can't afford to be a part of it then they should decline participation. It is an invite not a sumons after all.

Show quote history

Sorry, if you don’t pay for your own wedding party to stay with you, I’m only talking bridesmaids here, then you can’t afford it.

Yellowflower47 · 15/08/2023 13:48

Can she not get a taxi home? Is the venue that far away that she needs to stay over?

Yellowflower47 · 15/08/2023 13:50

Awfuljob · 15/08/2023 13:43

Sorry, if you don’t pay for your own wedding party to stay with you, I’m only talking bridesmaids here, then you can’t afford it.

Show quote history

Why only bridesmaids? Would you not think that groomsmen (best man and ushers), should be paid for? Also, what about flower girls and page boys and their parents?

Onceuponaheartache · 15/08/2023 13:51

Awfuljob · 15/08/2023 13:43

Sorry, if you don’t pay for your own wedding party to stay with you, I’m only talking bridesmaids here, then you can’t afford it.

Show quote history

I can afford to, doesn't mean I am going to though.

We all live local to the venue. Like les than 15 minute drive. If they want to stay over that is their choice and they can pay for it it

LookItsMeAgain · 15/08/2023 14:04

Could you approach it by saying "I could pay for your hotel room, or I could pay for the dress, makeup, hair etc. but I can't pay for both. I'm clearly not paying for the clothing of DH's parents or our parents, but I am paying for their hotel room for the night. I can get you a discount on the room but again, I cannot pay for the hotel room. Which of the options I've put before you, do you want me to do?"

That's if I've understood your situation.

redskytwonight · 15/08/2023 14:10

LookItsMeAgain · 15/08/2023 14:04

Could you approach it by saying "I could pay for your hotel room, or I could pay for the dress, makeup, hair etc. but I can't pay for both. I'm clearly not paying for the clothing of DH's parents or our parents, but I am paying for their hotel room for the night. I can get you a discount on the room but again, I cannot pay for the hotel room. Which of the options I've put before you, do you want me to do?"

That's if I've understood your situation.

This makes it sound like the dress, hair and makeup are a perk of being a bridesmaid.

I've been a bridesmaid twice and I would have considered it a bonus to be able to choose my own outfit and not the one that fitted the bride's artistic vision.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/08/2023 14:19

That wasn't quite what I was getting at.

If the sister actually doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, perhaps this is her roundabout way to go about being relieved of the role.

If the OP suggested that she could pay for either the hotel room or the BM dress/hair/makeup then it would be up to the sister to decide which was more important to her.

I don't think it's been asked yet but how old is the sister arguing about you paying for the hotel room?

Weddingpuzzle · 15/08/2023 14:38

Tread carefully OP- my sister was mean to be my MOH and obviously I paid for her dress, hair and makeup, transport, bouquet, brunch at her house on the day where I was meant to be getting ready etc. She kept veering between not being interested at all and making weird comments about our plans (telling us to double the amount of booze we were providing, that the place we booked for a meal before the wedding was 'scruffy', that our venue was 'boring', wouldn't come on my hen do). 6 days before my wedding she turned round and said she'd never agreed for me to get ready at hers (even though my dress was there and everyone was booked to go there) and called me loads of names, blocked me on everything and refused to come to the wedding. IME if she is starting to be difficult now it will just escalate in the lead up to the wedding.

Fifthtimelucky · 15/08/2023 15:48

My view is that the bride and groom should pay for all the expenses connected with being one of the bridal party, but not the expenses connected with attending the wedding, because the bridal party would be doing that anyway.

That means that clothes, flowers, shoes, hair etc would all be paid for but that accommodation would not.

I got married over 30 years ago and it wouldn't have occurred to me to pay for accommodation for my parents or my bridesmaids (or husband's parents or best man). But then we didn't pay for any for us either!

RedPony1 · 15/08/2023 16:56

Fifthtimelucky · 15/08/2023 15:48

My view is that the bride and groom should pay for all the expenses connected with being one of the bridal party, but not the expenses connected with attending the wedding, because the bridal party would be doing that anyway.

That means that clothes, flowers, shoes, hair etc would all be paid for but that accommodation would not.

I got married over 30 years ago and it wouldn't have occurred to me to pay for accommodation for my parents or my bridesmaids (or husband's parents or best man). But then we didn't pay for any for us either!

If i was asked to be in the bridal party, for a wedding that required a hotel stay due to distance, i expect that paid for - and it always has been without me asking.
If i was just a guest, i'd probably decline the invite or drive there and back so stay sober and leave a bit early - not what you want a bridesmaid to do i guess.

LadyBird1973 · 15/08/2023 17:21

OP has said they live a 15 minute drive away. She's taking the piss. Whether she was a bridesmaid or not, she'd be attending this wedding, as the bride's sister. OP has paid for all the official bridesmaid necessities such as dresses, hair and makeup, but expecting a hotel room when she lives 15 minutes away is cheeky fucker territory. Different maybe if the wedding was an hour away.

Fifthtimelucky · 15/08/2023 17:32

If i was just a guest, i'd probably decline the invite or drive there and back so stay sober and leave a bit early - not what you want a bridesmaid to do i guess.

Personally I would prefer my bridesmaids to stay sober!

And given that their official duties are over fairly early on I would have no objection to their leaving a little early.

Scunnered123 · 15/08/2023 18:01

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 07:27

I do get where you are coming from in one way it seems like a lot you are paying for but this is your event so they are doing all this for you, so yes I would pay

Agree with this.

weathermep · 15/08/2023 18:30

Fifthtimelucky · 15/08/2023 17:32

If i was just a guest, i'd probably decline the invite or drive there and back so stay sober and leave a bit early - not what you want a bridesmaid to do i guess.

Personally I would prefer my bridesmaids to stay sober!

And given that their official duties are over fairly early on I would have no objection to their leaving a little early.

You sound like you'd make a fun bride...

celticprincess · 15/08/2023 19:42

When I got married I didn’t pay for the bridesmaids to stay in the hotel. Never even crossed my mind. I did pay for dresses. When my kids were bridesmaids (flower girls actually) and my sil’s wedding abroad we had to go despite not being able to afford it and had to pay our own way. SIL bought their dresses but we bought shoes (told which ones to buy). The credit card for that wedding has only just been paid off recently a good 10 years later a minimum payments on 0% cards.

Northernladdette · 15/08/2023 19:48

LadyBird1973 · 15/08/2023 17:21

OP has said they live a 15 minute drive away. She's taking the piss. Whether she was a bridesmaid or not, she'd be attending this wedding, as the bride's sister. OP has paid for all the official bridesmaid necessities such as dresses, hair and makeup, but expecting a hotel room when she lives 15 minutes away is cheeky fucker territory. Different maybe if the wedding was an hour away.

This ^

Kazzybingbong · 15/08/2023 19:51

This is why we got married secretly in New York! Easy as pie, no wasted money on one day, no moaning, minimal planning.

Does she need to stay in the hotel? Or is it somewhere to sleep after the wedding is done?

ttcat37 · 15/08/2023 19:56

I think the mistake a lot of brides make is that they think other people care about their wedding day.

JusthereforXmas · 15/08/2023 20:45

Finlesswonder · 15/08/2023 07:36

@OhCobblers
When I got married both sides of our family had to travel and stay in hotels and we didn't pay for any of them! we were already paying for our wedding!
Actually I think that's bloody rude. So you're already forcing both sides of your family to give up their time + travel + stay away for a few days, and the expectation is of course they should pay for it? Why didn't you just have your wedding at one of the side's location?

Why should one side have to carry the burden of all the travel and travel twice the distance... THAT would be rude and unfair.