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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay for her??

123 replies

Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 07:24

So I'm getting married next year and having a small wedding. I asked my 2 sisters to be bridesmaids. I am not having a hen party and they don't have to pay for anything for me. I have paid for all their expenses like dress, hair and makeup and just asked them to pick their own shoes and pay for their own as they could wear what they want.

So the problem came when it came to the hotel. I'm paying for both parents which costs close to 500e already but one of my sisters started asking why I wasn't paying for hers and actually started a fight with me over it. So I being unreasonable for not paying for their hotel rooms aswell?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 09:38

I always try pay for my parents when I can like meeting for a lunch or dinner I would try pay. They raised us and gave us what they could so yes i will always pay for parents over sisters. Sisters have good jobs and can afford it.

To me a wedding is a party. I've been to birthdays and nights away for my sisters they invited me on and never expected them to pay for my hotel so why should a wedding be different?! If you can't afford it don't go 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
RedPony1 · 15/08/2023 09:39

I've been bridesmaid 7 times (!!)
If the venue wasn't taxi distance to my house, the hotel has always been paid for on my behalf by the bride & groom.

YourNameGoesHere · 15/08/2023 09:43

Ohownnoe · 15/08/2023 09:38

I always try pay for my parents when I can like meeting for a lunch or dinner I would try pay. They raised us and gave us what they could so yes i will always pay for parents over sisters. Sisters have good jobs and can afford it.

To me a wedding is a party. I've been to birthdays and nights away for my sisters they invited me on and never expected them to pay for my hotel so why should a wedding be different?! If you can't afford it don't go 🤷‍♀️

Being honest do you actually like your sister because it doesn't sound like it?

I don't think she's unreasonable to think accomodation should be paid for especially if you're paying for your parents to have one of the most expensive rooms when that money could instead be paying for her room and theirs.

It's also not comparable to a birthday party or a trip away all of which you can say no toz she doesn't really have that choice.

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2023 10:02

Im surprised you are paying for your parents. I'd pay for my sisters. I mean does anyone have to stay at the hotel at all? Are you planning a destination wedding?

Ella31 · 15/08/2023 10:10

It's normal here [ireland] to pay for parents as a gesture, but I'd wouldn't dream of paying for siblings. For my wedding my sisters who were my bridesmaids had their hair, makeup, shoes, dress, transportation all paid for. It cost a fortune.

Heyisforhorses · 15/08/2023 10:13

You say don't go but she's bridesmaid so you have kind of taken that option from her. As PP said, you are paying for hair and dress that you want, they don't get to pick what they wear for the wedding.

I'm in Ireland and the bride and groom pay for parents and wedding party, very rare they wouldn't. I would be a bit 😕 if the bride didn't pay but it wouldn't stop me attending.

Onceuponaheartache · 15/08/2023 10:14

Only on mumsnet!!

We are getting married next year, we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, all outfits etc but the only hotel rooms we are paying for will be our own and my fiancé's son and that is because he will only be 16. If he was a grown adult with a job we wouldn't be paying for that either.

They don't have to stay over, they don't have to stay in the wedding hotel therefore they pay for their own choices.

FloweryName · 15/08/2023 10:15

For a wedding I’d pay for bridesmaids/best man over parents because they are doing the couple a favour, whereas parents are often hosting the wedding.

caringcarer · 15/08/2023 10:21

I paid for bridesmaids hotel rooms and DH paid for his best man (and wife) and 2 ushers rooms. It's part of the wedding cost imo. Actually I think those cost should be paid before paying for either set of parents (who are more likely to be able to afford to pay for themselves). Bridesmaids dresses, headdresses, shoes, hair and make up is also paid for by the bride and groomsmen suits, shirts, and buttonholes paid by the groom. I don't think the bride and groom should be expecting others to subsidise their weddings tbh. Invited guests should pay for their own rooms if they want them.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 15/08/2023 10:22

I was a bridesmaid a few years ago with the exact same situation (everything paid for apart from shoes). Bride said we could stay anywhere, or she'd pay a big part of the cost of the hotel room at the main hotel. Me and DH opted for the main hotel and bride paid about half of the cost of the room. Absolutely no problem with this, and thought it was a nice gesture.
She did have a hen, but low key and everyone paid for themselves.

caringcarer · 15/08/2023 10:25

RedPony1 · 15/08/2023 09:39

I've been bridesmaid 7 times (!!)
If the venue wasn't taxi distance to my house, the hotel has always been paid for on my behalf by the bride & groom.

I think this is standard practice as I've been a bridesmaid 3 times as an adult and always had my room paid for.

budgiegirl · 15/08/2023 10:30

I've been a bridesmaid twice, and each time I paid my own room. Although both venues were within driving distance from home, so we could have driven/got a taxi.

I think if your venue is far from home, then it's fair that you pay (or contribute to) a room for your sister, as she's not a regular guest and can't opt not to attend. If it's close to home, then she could drive or get a taxi home.

Elizadoloads · 15/08/2023 10:30

We didn't cover hotel costs for our wedding last year. Some people chose to stay in the hotel were we stayed, some stayed in a nearby cheaper hotel and some chose to get a taxi or train home. Your sister is being a ungrateful brat.

YourNameGoesHere · 15/08/2023 10:31

Elizadoloads · 15/08/2023 10:30

We didn't cover hotel costs for our wedding last year. Some people chose to stay in the hotel were we stayed, some stayed in a nearby cheaper hotel and some chose to get a taxi or train home. Your sister is being a ungrateful brat.

Exactly what is she being ungrateful about?

budgiegirl · 15/08/2023 10:32

To me a wedding is a party. I've been to birthdays and nights away for my sisters they invited me on and never expected them to pay for my hotel so why should a wedding be different?! If you can't afford it don't go

But would you really be happy if she chose not to go? Being a bridesmaid at your sister's wedding isn't really the same as being a guest at a birthday party.

Timeless01 · 15/08/2023 10:33

I didn’t know it seems to be the done thing for the bride and groom to pay for the wedding party. Based on everyone’s comments and since your sisters are bridesmaids, I would pay for their rooms.

I married at ‘home’ and had two small nieces as bridesmaids so it never came up for me!

Lkahsvtv · 15/08/2023 10:35

I’ve been a bridesmaid several times including to family and my room has never been paid for. It’s just part of attending a wedding.

BorneoBound · 15/08/2023 10:37

You are getting ready at home, as in she could travel home that evening? If so yanbu, tell her to get a cab

TimetoPour · 15/08/2023 10:40

When we got married, we paid for all parents/step-parents, siblings and best man - 9 rooms in total. When my sister got married her budget was much tighter and we paid for our own rooms. There is absolutely no right or wrong.

I think your sister has a bloody cheek expecting it and an even bigger cheek for calling you out.

redskytwonight · 15/08/2023 10:42

Ella31 · 15/08/2023 10:10

It's normal here [ireland] to pay for parents as a gesture, but I'd wouldn't dream of paying for siblings. For my wedding my sisters who were my bridesmaids had their hair, makeup, shoes, dress, transportation all paid for. It cost a fortune.

But if you hadn't been getting married they wouldn't need any of that.
You were paying for them as they were part of your wedding.
Or you could have just told your sisters to wear whatever they wanted and sort their own transport out but you didn't want them to be bridesmaids. That was your choice not to.

Elizadoloads · 15/08/2023 10:43

@YourNameGoesHere
She's getting her dress and makeup paid for, she's getting transport to the wedding paid for (by taxi so this suggests the we'd isn't far from home.) And she's kicking off about op not covering her hotel costs. Op suggested a cheaper hotel nearby.. not good enough for her sister. This is a fully grown adult who can afford it but is throwing a tantrum for the sake of it. So yes she sounds like a spoiled brat!

YourNameGoesHere · 15/08/2023 10:47

Elizadoloads · 15/08/2023 10:43

@YourNameGoesHere
She's getting her dress and makeup paid for, she's getting transport to the wedding paid for (by taxi so this suggests the we'd isn't far from home.) And she's kicking off about op not covering her hotel costs. Op suggested a cheaper hotel nearby.. not good enough for her sister. This is a fully grown adult who can afford it but is throwing a tantrum for the sake of it. So yes she sounds like a spoiled brat!

Yes but she has no choice in the dress or the hair and make up and of course she should be getting transport because she's travelling with the bride as part of the bridal party. All of that's quite standard for a bridesmaid isn't it?

The fact people are staying in hotels doesn't suggest it's local and if the op is paying excessive amounts for some people to stay I can see why the sister is annoyed she's not getting accommodation when it sounds like there is plenty in the budget to pay for rooms for everyone.

Whinge · 15/08/2023 10:48

She's getting her dress and makeup paid for, she's getting transport to the wedding paid for

Surely that's normal for bridemaids? Confused

If the wedding is so close i'm wondering why OP needs to spend 500e on hotel rooms for both sets of parents.

Rosiem2808 · 15/08/2023 10:48

OP What about the other sister. What does she say? Personally I would pay but I'm not you

itsgettingweird · 15/08/2023 10:52

Depends on distance from home.

If you're paying for hotels for family (parents) because wedding venue is an hour away then I would say pay for guests hotels.

If it's because you have decided to stay the night but the hotel is in the town they live then they can choose to go home.

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