Worried my Sons will be left with nothing

[JaffaCake70]

My Husband and I are both early 50s and have been married just over a year (together 3 years in October).

Before we met I had been renting private accommodation. When we married I moved into my Husband's house which he had been paying the mortgage on for around 5 years, he had also paid a large deposit when he moved into the property as he had sold a previous property. We now both contribute to the mortgage and all other household expenses. We re-mortgaged to the tune of £10,000 to pay for our wedding and honeymoon.

We haven't really had any serious conversations about finances apart from the agreement of how much I would pay into the home but now I'm starting to worry. I know I need to speak to my Husband about the things I'm about to discuss with you, but I just wanted to see if anyone can advise me where I stand legally before I have the conversation.

My Husband has an adult Son and Daughter, his Daughter lives with us, I have 2 adult Sons, neither of whom live with us.

We both have decent pensions, if anything should happen to him before he cashes his, I would receive it and vice versa (he would receive mine). This has all been put into place.

He has told me that if he should die before me, the proceeds of the house are being split 3 ways between me, his Son and his Daughter.

My worry is: What is being left to my Sons should I die first?

This is really playing on my mind because the way it looks to me on paper is that they wouldn't get anything.

Is there anything I can do to change this? Can I split my pension 3 ways so that my Sons get a 3rd each?

What will happen to my 3rd of the house if I were to die first? I am now paying into the house, surely my Sons should be entitled to something in the event of my death? How does it work though? For example, if I were to die in 10 years time (God forbid) but my Husband then went on to live for another 20 years, maybe even marries again, what happens to my 3rd of the property?

I'm really worried that I've put my Sons in the position of not receiving anything at all if I were to die before my Husband. I don't have any savings to bequeath to them, the only money I have of my own is my pension.

Do I have any legal standing in stating that I want my 3rd of the property to be divided between my Sons in the event of my death. I still feel it's a little unfair that my Sons would be receiving less than my Husband's children (as in his children would still receive a 3rd each, my Sons would have to share my 3rd).

I'm stressing myself out with all of this, I know I need to speak to my Husband but don't want to come across as money grabbing as I'm really not. I just want to know that my Sons will be provided for financially in the event of my death.

YABU - Your Sons should not be entitled to anything from the house

YANBU - You work just as hard as your Husband and are now paying an equal amount into the home therefore your Sons definitely are entitled to a percentage of the house.

But more than YA/YANBU opinions, please can anyone advise as to what I should do/say in this situation?

What would you have left them if you hadn’t got married to this man?

You have a 30 year mortgage on it?

Honestly I don't see why they'd be entitled to anything. He put most of the money into it, what you're paying is equivalent to when you were paying rent, which you'd still be doing if you hadn't met. However you think he should take inheritance away from his own children and give it to your adult children because you have no savings of your own.

How much of the mortgage will you actually be paying yourself? You could talk to your husband and ask him to alter the ownership to tenants-in-common to give you your 25% share. Then you can will that to your sons on your death (though it would be sensible to include a provision that your husband is entitled to continue living in it until his death).

Of course your husband might say no, this was his pre-marital asset and he doesn't want to change the ownership prior to his death. Then you could say that you don't think it's fair that you are paying towards him gaining an asset. And he can reply that you would be doing the same if you were back renting.

I agree that if this was a man seeking a share of a woman's house for his adult children, the replies would not be so sympathetic.

Thank you so much for your kind reply

@Ibizafun your situation reflects my idea of a longstanding presumably loving marriage. The two of you became a team when times were lean. Your DH considers that he has 5 children even if only 3 are by blood. Now times are good. He is continuing to treat them equally. Where is the problem?

@Ibizafun
Fair or not, you reached a mutual agreement. Such is not the case in this situation. You agreement may indeed be unfair to his children who should not be disadvantaged because of the indifference of your children's biological father. However, their father is choosing to make that choice with his resources.

In the OP's case , she is choosing to make that choice with someone else's assets. Perhaps caring enough for her children would have involved working and positioning herself to give them that to which she felt that they were entitled or perhaps being more careful in her selection of a partner with whom to reproduce.

I don't think my position is that different morally to the op's.. I think in my dh's head, him and ex were planning on having more kids so the inheritance would've been diluted anyway.. who knows. However had my kids been older when dh came into our lives, it would have been a different scenario.

@Ibizafun
At what point does it become reasonable to think that "my children are entitled to assets which, for whatever reason , I or their father did not/could not/would not have prepared myself to provide for them?As a solution, I will marry a more productive individual an appropriate his or her assets for my children. That is the acquisition strategy that I will model for my sons and daughters. Let them see entitlement flowing from someone else's hard work and effort."

Each to his own, but this is not a philosophy or strategy that I would have been comfortable modeling for my children.

But your kids weren't older.
He brought them up.
You don't say how old they are now but i get the impression you've been together much longer than op and you've supported each other through harder times, therefore enabling his business to succeed. You've worked as a team.
I'm not getting that from OP.

You need to speak to an IFA and a lawyer - and your husband and do some estate planning. With the pension you can fill.out an expression if wish form and state that you want it to go to your sons not your husband. It usually would go to yout spouse as you're considered financially dependent on each other but your wishes can be taken into account. If your husband knows your wishes he can ask the provider to follow your wishes if he is directed to receive it. It is important to remember that the discretion where the pension goes to sits with the trustee/provider (lots of complicated reasons for this but it also means that it doesn't form part of the estate for inheritance tax purposes).

You need to discuss with your husband what happens with the house. If your name is on it as well as his, his plan for splitting it may not work - and where would you live if he died? You would be forced to sell to release your portion of it (and your step childrens) - is that what you would want? Provision can be made so that you can live there till you want to sell or die rather than have to sell if he dies.

It is important to get these things sorted as it's very easy to leave your estate in a mess and your money go to the wrong people - or the tax man! You need to talk to him and make an arrangement you both think is fair. If you can't come to a fair arrangement between you - what does that say about him and your marriage ?

As I said, dp was not more "productive" when I married him.. he built up his wealth later. Anyway this is the op's thread not mine, just wondered so thank you.

Cosyblankets thank you.. my kids are now in their 20's. Yes I supported him in other ways but I know he would've done it easily without me.

Ultimately whether something is moral or not doesn’t matter. The law isn’t interested in morals, it is interested in the terms of the contract that they both signed when they got married and legally what the law states about divorce and wills

People think about morals and fairness and what they think people deserve
Courts are not interested in any of the above. They are only interested in what the law states.

Do you not both just need mirror wills so that whichever of you does first, the spouse inherits the house on trust so can remain living in it for the rest of their lifetime.

Then that on the death of the remaining spouse it is split three ways so a third each for his children and a third between yours reflecting his initial contribution.

While your sons are a concern, the bigger concern right now is that if he dies you have nowhere to live. Would a third of this house but you anywhere to live and do you want to be moving while grieving???

@Calmdown14 I don’t think that solicitors recommend mirror wills nowadays as they can’t be altered once one of the spouses die.

We had a similar conversation today. My DH had nothing when we met. We sold my house and moved to a much nicer location, DH is on the final leg of renovation of our new together home. Yes, the money came from my side but we are in this together and we share 50/50. Even though we have 8 children between us we have made a decision to leave everything to charity, mainly due to both the exes "poisonous" control over them. Maybe the grandchildren will look for us in later years, maybe not, but as it stands our wills will not change. There is only so much abuse a parent can put up with.

@HamBone but isn't the point that they can't be changed? So you don't leave everything to your husband then they fall out with your kids 6 months later and leave it all to the cats home instead??

@HamBone and @Calmdown14 a quick search suggests that it is perfectly legal in the UK for the surviving spouse to alter a mirror will. In contrast, in some jurisdictions (not sure about the UK) there is something called a joint will. Under a joint will two people combine their assets and write a common will. It cannot be altered without the approval of both, thus cannot be altered after one dies.

VeraMay, I’m in a similar situation. We have 3 children between us and in our 25 years together, our exes have taken every opportunity to turn children and family members against us, even now they are adults with children if there own, we are excluded and treated as an afterthought.
So enough! Children do not have the automatic entitlement to your money. You earn it, you spend it and bequeath it as you wish.

Thank you. It's heartbreaking that so many youngsters nowadays are alienating family. Yes, we are enjoying life together and doing what we want. It's just sad sometimes when we go somewhere and our grandchildren would have enjoyed it with us.
Today we were asked to help out a young couple with their 1 year old daughter. We will babysit twice a week and hoping to help Mum meet other young mums through toddler groups etc. The little one has already filled a little bit of our hearts.
💝

Thanks for the clarification, @poetryandwine , I realize that I’m confusing a mirror will with a mutual will-that’s the type that can’t be altered.

Had you given your sons the 10,000 that you spent on your wedding, they would already be in a better place, and you would have fewer worries. Why on earth do older, previously married people spend so much on fripperies such as this, and then worry about their kids' future?

Can you sit down and have a reasonable discussion? I have kids separate from my DH and we just agreed in advance who inherits what very easily.

Totally different. Sounds like your husband has raised your kids like his own from a young age. OP's kids are adults and have had nothing to do with any upbringing or living arrangements.