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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried my Sons will be left with nothing

574 replies

JaffaCake70 · 14/08/2023 09:10

My Husband and I are both early 50s and have been married just over a year (together 3 years in October).

Before we met I had been renting private accommodation. When we married I moved into my Husband's house which he had been paying the mortgage on for around 5 years, he had also paid a large deposit when he moved into the property as he had sold a previous property. We now both contribute to the mortgage and all other household expenses. We re-mortgaged to the tune of £10,000 to pay for our wedding and honeymoon.

We haven't really had any serious conversations about finances apart from the agreement of how much I would pay into the home but now I'm starting to worry. I know I need to speak to my Husband about the things I'm about to discuss with you, but I just wanted to see if anyone can advise me where I stand legally before I have the conversation.

My Husband has an adult Son and Daughter, his Daughter lives with us, I have 2 adult Sons, neither of whom live with us.

We both have decent pensions, if anything should happen to him before he cashes his, I would receive it and vice versa (he would receive mine). This has all been put into place.

He has told me that if he should die before me, the proceeds of the house are being split 3 ways between me, his Son and his Daughter.

My worry is: What is being left to my Sons should I die first?

This is really playing on my mind because the way it looks to me on paper is that they wouldn't get anything.

Is there anything I can do to change this? Can I split my pension 3 ways so that my Sons get a 3rd each?

What will happen to my 3rd of the house if I were to die first? I am now paying into the house, surely my Sons should be entitled to something in the event of my death? How does it work though? For example, if I were to die in 10 years time (God forbid) but my Husband then went on to live for another 20 years, maybe even marries again, what happens to my 3rd of the property?

I'm really worried that I've put my Sons in the position of not receiving anything at all if I were to die before my Husband. I don't have any savings to bequeath to them, the only money I have of my own is my pension.

Do I have any legal standing in stating that I want my 3rd of the property to be divided between my Sons in the event of my death. I still feel it's a little unfair that my Sons would be receiving less than my Husband's children (as in his children would still receive a 3rd each, my Sons would have to share my 3rd).

I'm stressing myself out with all of this, I know I need to speak to my Husband but don't want to come across as money grabbing as I'm really not. I just want to know that my Sons will be provided for financially in the event of my death.

YABU - Your Sons should not be entitled to anything from the house

YANBU - You work just as hard as your Husband and are now paying an equal amount into the home therefore your Sons definitely are entitled to a percentage of the house.

But more than YA/YANBU opinions, please can anyone advise as to what I should do/say in this situation?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
poetryandwine · 15/08/2023 11:22

the OP is worried about continuing to contribute for potentially decades, only to have the equity she gains her husband go to her stepchildren at the expense of her sons if she dies first. In essence she is renting from her husband. I don’t think it is grabby to resent that. It is no kind of partnership.

OP, @SouthernLassies has given you a good list of questions above. Don’t be embarrassed. The experts here and many of the rest of us are on your side. A few are just bullies, ignore them. A few adversaries are making good points and it will help to analyse these in light of further details.

I am actually beginning to feel sorry for @anonymousxoxo

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 11:23

poetryandwine · 15/08/2023 11:22

the OP is worried about continuing to contribute for potentially decades, only to have the equity she gains her husband go to her stepchildren at the expense of her sons if she dies first. In essence she is renting from her husband. I don’t think it is grabby to resent that. It is no kind of partnership.

OP, @SouthernLassies has given you a good list of questions above. Don’t be embarrassed. The experts here and many of the rest of us are on your side. A few are just bullies, ignore them. A few adversaries are making good points and it will help to analyse these in light of further details.

I am actually beginning to feel sorry for @anonymousxoxo

And the OP husband isn't? Without his deposit, the house wouldn't exist to begin with.

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 11:24

poetryandwine · 15/08/2023 11:22

the OP is worried about continuing to contribute for potentially decades, only to have the equity she gains her husband go to her stepchildren at the expense of her sons if she dies first. In essence she is renting from her husband. I don’t think it is grabby to resent that. It is no kind of partnership.

OP, @SouthernLassies has given you a good list of questions above. Don’t be embarrassed. The experts here and many of the rest of us are on your side. A few are just bullies, ignore them. A few adversaries are making good points and it will help to analyse these in light of further details.

I am actually beginning to feel sorry for @anonymousxoxo

I am actually beginning to feel sorry for very rude.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 11:31

It would be fascinating to read this scenario from the DH or one of the DH’s children’s points of view.

Yea2023 · 15/08/2023 12:07

Zwicky · 15/08/2023 09:35

It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s paying less now than when she was renting-as she probably wouldn’t have moved in if a higher amount was suggested- but we won’t know until she bothers to actually respond

Quite. What she is paying and what she is paying as a proportion of the mortgage and what she is paying as a proportion of the household expenses. Maybe she is contributing £800 a month to a mortgage that is £900 and maybe she will continue to do that for 25 years and people will say she’s entitled to fuck all because he’s lived there 5 years longer and paid the deposit and it’s less than her rent so what is she moaning about. Maybe she moved into a house that was 75% paid off and is contributing £150 a month to a £1000 mortgage and doesn’t pay any of the other bills. Maybe she thinks the mortgage is £1400 and she needs to transfer £700 a month but it’s actually only £500. We don’t know and I don’t think she does either.

I agree with this, was going to type something similar.

without context the convo is meaningless really, and the OP seems scarily unknowledgeable about what she is paying for.
It’s quite feasible that someone is taking advantage of the other without it being clear as to who!

Bear in mind - if he had a long term relationship before and she walked away with nothing it’s possible that he is well versed in protecting assets.

Cosyblankets · 15/08/2023 12:41

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 11:31

It would be fascinating to read this scenario from the DH or one of the DH’s children’s points of view.

Fully agree

GabriellaMontez · 15/08/2023 12:53

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 11:31

It would be fascinating to read this scenario from the DH or one of the DH’s children’s points of view.

As with virtually every post on this forum.

Smellslikesummer · 15/08/2023 12:54

But the fact that I didn't have anything before doesn't take away from the fact that I am now paying a substantial monthly amount into the house
How does it compare to what you were paying in rent before? And how does it compare to what your husband is paying into the mortgage himself?
The answer to these could make a difference IMO.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 12:56

How does it compare to what you were paying in rent before? And how does it compare to what your husband is paying into the mortgage himself?

This is the crux of it really and Is what the OP repeatedly refuses to answer.

Jaemoon · 15/08/2023 13:08

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 12:56

How does it compare to what you were paying in rent before? And how does it compare to what your husband is paying into the mortgage himself?

This is the crux of it really and Is what the OP repeatedly refuses to answer.

What her rent was is irrelevant.

Only her contribution now is relevant.

And not just monetary contribution, also her contribution to the household, in terms of cooking and cleaning.

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:09

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 11:31

It would be fascinating to read this scenario from the DH or one of the DH’s children’s points of view.

Agreed.

Hello all, my Dad remarried and has been for 3 years. My step mother wants to split the inheritance with her sons, but my Dad has been working at it for years and invested. How can we protect it?

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:09

Smellslikesummer · 15/08/2023 12:54

But the fact that I didn't have anything before doesn't take away from the fact that I am now paying a substantial monthly amount into the house
How does it compare to what you were paying in rent before? And how does it compare to what your husband is paying into the mortgage himself?
The answer to these could make a difference IMO.

Agreed

SouthernLassies · 15/08/2023 13:09

To clarify my opinion.

I do not believe the OP should be considering her sons' potential inheritance in the way she describes it. They are not on equal terms with her H's children.

However, SHE is entitled to some equity in the home, as she is paying towards it (although it looks as if the money is going to her H, who might be spending it on beer and fags!)

If, as an example, she pays £1K a month for a year= £12K. If, she carries on paying that until the mortgage is cleared (let's say 10 years just as an example) she will have contributed £120,000.

So at the very least she is entitled to a return of that investment, plus or minus growth.

Because if she saved £12K pa in some account, for 10 years, she'd have that as savings.

It's then up to her what she does with it.

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:09

Jaemoon · 15/08/2023 13:08

What her rent was is irrelevant.

Only her contribution now is relevant.

And not just monetary contribution, also her contribution to the household, in terms of cooking and cleaning.

Show quote history

So, did she contribute to the deposit and mortgage affordability checks?

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:10

SouthernLassies · 15/08/2023 13:09

To clarify my opinion.

I do not believe the OP should be considering her sons' potential inheritance in the way she describes it. They are not on equal terms with her H's children.

However, SHE is entitled to some equity in the home, as she is paying towards it (although it looks as if the money is going to her H, who might be spending it on beer and fags!)

If, as an example, she pays £1K a month for a year= £12K. If, she carries on paying that until the mortgage is cleared (let's say 10 years just as an example) she will have contributed £120,000.

So at the very least she is entitled to a return of that investment, plus or minus growth.

Because if she saved £12K pa in some account, for 10 years, she'd have that as savings.

It's then up to her what she does with it.

If she can afford to pay £1k a month, she can afford to get her own mortgage than be dependent on his assets.

SouthernLassies · 15/08/2023 13:15

If she can afford to pay £1k a month, she can afford to get her own mortgage than be dependent on his assets.

Are you okay @anonymousxoxo ?

Your posts are increasingly strange and way off the point.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 13:22

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:09

Agreed.

Hello all, my Dad remarried and has been for 3 years. My step mother wants to split the inheritance with her sons, but my Dad has been working at it for years and invested. How can we protect it?

Show quote history

Yes, precisely this!

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:23

SouthernLassies · 15/08/2023 13:15

If she can afford to pay £1k a month, she can afford to get her own mortgage than be dependent on his assets.

Are you okay @anonymousxoxo ?

Your posts are increasingly strange and way off the point.

How? If you can pay £1k a month rent (I can't afford this btw but I have my own house)

But....

Hello all, my Dad remarried and has been for 3 years. My step mother wants to split the inheritance with her sons, but my Dad has been working at it for years and invested. How can we protect it?

Fuckingfuming1 · 15/08/2023 13:24

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:09

So, did she contribute to the deposit and mortgage affordability checks?

Show quote history

So, the deposit gets ring, fenced, and that goes entirely to his children. Everything else accrued from this day for or three years ago is split between the children when the time comes it’s not rocket science.

We are gonna have this issue with my stepmother, because yes it is her house, but she wouldn’t have been able to afford to keep it without my father’s salary and pension, maintaining the house and her for all these years he has facilitated her holding onto the asset that the stepdaughter thinks is coming her way.

Littlewhitecat · 15/08/2023 13:25

OP in your first post you said "we remortgaged" to pay the £10k for the wedding, but then you say that you haven't seen any paperwork to prove you are on the mortgage/deeds. I'm really concerned that you have actually got a £10k loan which your name is on and you aren't on the mortgage at all.

loislovesstewie · 15/08/2023 13:28

Jaemoon · 15/08/2023 13:08

What her rent was is irrelevant.

Only her contribution now is relevant.

And not just monetary contribution, also her contribution to the household, in terms of cooking and cleaning.

Show quote history

But to be fair, we don't know what either party contributes to the household. She might cook, clean, he might provide a car and pay for the upkeep of that, for example, which is why us pontificating here doesn't really help move the story forward. These are discussions that should have taken place between the 2 parties long ago, with legal advice from the beginning and evidence of what will happen/is planned.

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:28

Fuckingfuming1 · 15/08/2023 13:24

So, the deposit gets ring, fenced, and that goes entirely to his children. Everything else accrued from this day for or three years ago is split between the children when the time comes it’s not rocket science.

We are gonna have this issue with my stepmother, because yes it is her house, but she wouldn’t have been able to afford to keep it without my father’s salary and pension, maintaining the house and her for all these years he has facilitated her holding onto the asset that the stepdaughter thinks is coming her way.

Show quote history

People need to have their own deposit and own house when passing down on assets unless a VERY long marriage and commitment.

My parents have been married 31+ years
Have 3 children
Worked together to build a house and home
Mum was a SAHM so Dad name on mortgage however Dad doesn't work anymore but Mum is paying the mortgage
Mum paid for extension, furniture and TV etc
They're both entitled to 50/50%

As they contributed together for years.

However, it's already been announced by them each of us is getting 33% equally and fairly.

Fuckingfuming1 · 15/08/2023 13:31

I think 20 years of supporting in facilitating, the stepmother working part time on behalf of my father is adequate commitment. Not to mention circumstances along the route. In our case she would’ve had to have sold it when she gave up work due to illness. There would be no asset if it wasn’t for the support. So it’s very grubby to take what’s left at the end I don’t know the whole thing is just on savoury isn’t it when it comes to wills and families?

poetryandwine · 15/08/2023 13:35

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 13:22

Yes, precisely this!

Show quote history

No. The real issue is

Our stepmother has been paying an unknown amount towards our DF’s mortgage for 3 years and is expected to keep doing so. If she and DF both live a long time she may have substantial unrecognised equity in the house, money that could have been invested for her sons.

What is fair to everyone in terms of inheritance?

anonymousxoxo · 15/08/2023 13:48

Fuckingfuming1 · 15/08/2023 13:31

I think 20 years of supporting in facilitating, the stepmother working part time on behalf of my father is adequate commitment. Not to mention circumstances along the route. In our case she would’ve had to have sold it when she gave up work due to illness. There would be no asset if it wasn’t for the support. So it’s very grubby to take what’s left at the end I don’t know the whole thing is just on savoury isn’t it when it comes to wills and families?

Exactly! Choose to work part time and waste the time is a luxury.

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