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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

455 replies

ForestGoblin · 13/08/2023 14:47

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

OP posts:
Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:43

Ridemeginger · 13/08/2023 18:25

What about the kid who has been clobbered? Do they receive an apology or anything? Do they get a say in whether they want to give the clobberer a final chance?

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No they do not. Because Persephone is number 1 and should never forget that.

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:43

Most of what posters claim is gentle parenting does seem very basic common sense parenting to me so I'm surprised it needs labeling and drawing attention to.

It is and doesn't need a label!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 18:43

One other thing, coping with the behaviour of many much more irrational, difficult, shouty, aggressive people has been hard, it's taken me a long time to toughen up and also see people who are more manipulative, that's been quite an important life skill I perhaps didn't get from a more nurturing approach, I assumed everyone was nice like my parents!

@Highdaysandholidays1 that's interesting because I've had a few jobs where I've had to de escalate or deal with very violent, scary people. I'm very good at it. I've often wondered if it is a function of being raised in a home with shouting (and violence form my brother). If you can escape without PTSD, thankfully I did,

Not sure I'd choose that for DD. And she's very confident regardless.

ChristmasCrumpet · 13/08/2023 18:45

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:29

If you're talking about situation 2, no I don't force my child to apologise unless they feel that one is needed. If your child has bullied my child to the extent they have felt the need to lash out to make it stop then no they don't get an apology.

That's the not so gentle side of my parenting I'm afraid. I can't stand kids/people/anyone who verbally bullies and belittles to goad someone into a reaction. I'll happily explain to the parents why my child will not be apologising and say that it sounds like it was a mutual blame situation - one was verbally foul one was physically foul.

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And if your child has clobbered the other child, and nothing to do with the other child being a bully? Then what? It's still your child's choice whether to apologise only if they feel like it?

DinoDough · 13/08/2023 18:45

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 18:15

I'm assuming little children. And yes, authoritarian parenting does produce short term obedience. Kids are scared so they do what they are told. Gentle parenting takes time and perseverance ad repetition. See those same children in a few years and you might be surprised. The ones shouted at and hit can be depressed and anxious. Or realising that they are now bigger and can hit and shout back. Or they act out the same behaviours on others.

I remember the nicest child in DD's class. Kai was sweet, quiet, so well-behaved. Raised by a detached, addicted mum and a very authoritarian grandfather. Dragged by his arm if he said anything wrong. Shouted at. No empathy. DD was a little hellion in comparison. Now some years later he's a complete mess and DD is a model student and person.

We're not just controlling children, we're raising effective adults. It might be harder work for a few early years times but in the end it's a piece of piss.

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👏

Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:46

Children need boundaries to feel quietly and confidently secure.

Children who have been raised to feel entitled have been set up by their parents. No one will have the time or the energy for their bullshit in later life.

AutumnCrow · 13/08/2023 18:46

I think the OP struggled to throw that opening post together tbh, and never came back looking at the 'Read All' feature.

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:46

ChristmasCrumpet · 13/08/2023 18:45

And if your child has clobbered the other child, and nothing to do with the other child being a bully? Then what? It's still your child's choice whether to apologise only if they feel like it?

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I refer you to my earlier posts about this.

DinoDough · 13/08/2023 18:47

Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:46

Children need boundaries to feel quietly and confidently secure.

Children who have been raised to feel entitled have been set up by their parents. No one will have the time or the energy for their bullshit in later life.

But you do absolutely set boundaries with gentle parenting. It’s how you implement them that is different to authoritarian parenting.

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:47

DinoDough · 13/08/2023 18:43

One really important point that is often missed about gentle parenting is -

I would say that since I started gentle parenting, I have become a better person. I’m more understand of other people, their needs and their emotions. I’m also kinder on myself. It’s made me so much better at understand humans and why they behave the way they do. I’m much more empathetic.

Gentle parenting has made me a better adult.

This! 100%

MeadAndPie · 13/08/2023 18:48

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:43

Most of what posters claim is gentle parenting does seem very basic common sense parenting to me so I'm surprised it needs labeling and drawing attention to.

It is and doesn't need a label!

Must say something about many parents confidence in their abilities or something else about them that they apparently do need a label.

Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:48

@Confusinglyconfused

So you think if your saint of a child hits another it’s because they deserved it?

ChristmasCrumpet · 13/08/2023 18:49

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:46

I refer you to my earlier posts about this.

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If you could refer me to where you specifically answered that it would be appreciated because I can't see that you have.

Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:50

@Confusinglyconfused

And allowing your child to not apologise if they don’t feel like it is good parenting? I think this thread was meant for you.

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:51

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 17:43

If my child smacked another one I would remove my child from the situation, firmly tell them how cross I was with them and you do not hit. Once they had calmed down I'd walk them over to the child they'd hit and explain they had hurt and upset the child through their actions and to say sorry. Then remove my child completely from that environment (such as the park) as their consequence.

Unless the child deserved the wallop in which case I'd say it was natural consequences in action but we don't resolve problems with violence and again remove them from the park.

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Here

BessMarvin · 13/08/2023 18:52

Highdaysandholidays1 · 13/08/2023 18:23

I was gentle parented in the 70s due to my mum being very interested in attachment and no-smacking parenting theories, and it was different than 99% of my peers.

In general, I think it's a very good approach and much better than most, if done properly. Very close to my mum and talk to her all the time.

The negatives- I was scared of adult disapproval my whole life, my mum did that raise an eyebrow thing and it just terrified me, scared of teachers as well, even though nothing ever happened to me. Might have just been me! Also parents usually want their kids to do what they want, and so the raised eyebrow is just another way to achieve that. I have felt a bit dependent on my mum, even as an adult as the supportive/gentle approach continued into adulthood. I feel that less now.

One other thing, coping with the behaviour of many much more irrational, difficult, shouty, aggressive people has been hard, it's taken me a long time to toughen up and also see people who are more manipulative, that's been quite an important life skill I perhaps didn't get from a more nurturing approach, I assumed everyone was nice like my parents!

It's still a good approach, in the early years, I was probably a tiny bit harsher and more shouty with my own children, which I regret at times (as it was a function of my stress). It's better than constant overt control over children which is hard to survive.

I think it must depend on the individual too. I was not gentle parented and was shouted at etc, and I am scared of adult disapproval and it did not toughen me up at all, quite the opposite.

EarthlyNightshade · 13/08/2023 18:52

Yellowlegobrick · 13/08/2023 18:33

Gentle parenting doesn't prepare children well for being educated/spending time socially in larger groups with less focussed adult direction. In particular it doesnt prepare them for the fact that:

  • most adults and other children are not infinitely patient
  • sometimes in life they will be made to do things that are hard that they do not want to do and no distraction, praise etc will be given, yet they will expected to do it anyway.
  • they will often be expected to comply with adults instructions, quickly and without question, and will not be told why or given explanations, because there is not time or simply because the adult does not think the child needs to know
  • not all of their needs are wants, and they will often have unmet wants, and most people around them will not go out of the way to fulfill their wants, even if they are reasonable/age appropriate.
  • adults have emotions, and it is ok for them to show anger, frustration and disappointment in reasonable ways when a child's behaviour does not comply with societal expectations, and people often will.
  • many consequences in life for bad behaviour will be strong/upsetting - loss of privileges, loss of possessions etc, and will not be limited to "natural" consequences.

My parents were gentle (I don't think they parented under a named style) and I went to a very strict school where I encountered all of the above on a daily basis.
It was a relief to me to know that not all adults were like they were at school and I would like my children to grow up also knowing that.
It is a fine balance and I think even the best and most tuned in parents get it wrong sometimes.

Ridemeginger · 13/08/2023 18:52

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:42

I'm not condoning either action. If my child were the verbal aggressor they'd get as much as a telling off as if they were the physical aggressor. Words can often do more damage.

I suspect by teaching them to be kind will serve them well. Do you not think otherwise? If my child were the one walloped then I'd have little sympathy for them, they'd get a shrugged shoulder and a "well you shouldn't have wound them up then" in response.

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OK, so they get a telling off for being the aggressor. However, do they apologise to the other child, and does the other child get a choice as to whether they want to. continue playing with yours?

Echobelly · 13/08/2023 18:53

I don't thinl 'gentle parenting' is about making kids the centre of everything, that's helicopter parenting/wrapping in cotton wool.

OTOH, kids will need to learn that not everyone will talk to you about why you acted that way and how you feel when something happens - but I don't know that gentle parents aren't capable of showing kids that as well.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 18:54

Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:46

Children need boundaries to feel quietly and confidently secure.

Children who have been raised to feel entitled have been set up by their parents. No one will have the time or the energy for their bullshit in later life.

Well yes. And that's why gentle parenting involves boundaries.

Isn't that great?

Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 18:54

Well yes. And that's why gentle parenting involves boundaries.

Isn't that great?

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It’s perfect, the perfect balance!

Not to be confused with permissive parenting.

Thegoodbadandugly · 13/08/2023 18:56

It is better to talk to a child and explain things, I hear a couple constantly scream at their child it's horrific the child can't breathe without them screaming at him, the child's mental health has declined rapidly because of their screaming, swearing and constant put downs.

SummerSun04 · 13/08/2023 18:56

Freesideofcringe · 13/08/2023 16:02

I have friends who were brought up with gentle parenting. As grown ups, she cannot cope with the slightest inconvenience, regularly needs help with day to day tasks, has so many ideas and never able to do them. He has been through many jobs and hobbies, schemes, university courses, dropped out of this or that, started half hearted businesses, never follows through on anything.

They aren’t friendless though, very fun in fact!

All the other ADHD people side-eyeing this post.....

I'd bet my monthly salary that this ND person is doing their absolute best and the way they parent is likely pretty good for their children.

Goldbar · 13/08/2023 18:57

Imo most kids raised by caring and conscientious parents turn out fine, however they are parented and whatever label the parents choose to put on it. Though I do find some aspects of so-called 'gentle parenting' annoying if taken to extremes.

I always roll my eyes slightly when I see people say "how will he/she cope at school"? The reality I suspect is that most children do fine at school once they settle in and understand the boundaries. And where children really struggle, the issues are often far more deep-seated than 'gentle parenting'.

Green777 · 13/08/2023 18:57

Confusinglyconfused · 13/08/2023 18:51

Here

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Contradicting yourself