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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

455 replies

ForestGoblin · 13/08/2023 14:47

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/08/2023 15:15

So come on, OP. Aren't you going to come back and let us know exactly what the gentle parents are doing wrong, and what they should be doing differently?

ShiteRider · 13/08/2023 15:16

Look up neuroplasticity

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 15:23

ShiteRider · 13/08/2023 15:16

Look up neuroplasticity

I don't think OP is actually interested in irritating 'facts' when unfounded judgemental opinions are so much more fun.

And yes, neuroplasticity is really interesting.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 13/08/2023 15:23

Reading through examples of gentle parenting, we probably did lots of it although didn’t realise it had a term. It seems normal to me to listen and respect your children, not shout at them, teach them to think of others, explain reasoning instead of just being the ‘behave this way because I said so’ type.

I think explaining things, listening to them, respecting their opinions, is much more time consuming but really pays off in the teen and adult years. Our kids know we are reasonable, and that they’re important, so they respect us because they like us. My kids are really lovely people who think of others l, the teen years were/are very easy. They have great friends and older ones have worked part time whilst studying from 17.

All my friends have parented similarly and their kids are all doing well in their studies, work and relationships.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2023 15:26

I had a friend like this until her gently parented teen head butt his grandad

Young men do not headbutt their grandfathers because of gentle parenting. They just don't. The biggest predictor of violence is probably witnessing violence (normally DV but not always).

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 13/08/2023 15:31

There is no such thing as showing too much love or support.
Your kids will turn out more resilient and well adjusted than a parent who tries to teach them a lesson.

Obviously, it depends on your definition of gentle parenting.
If it’s letting your kids do whatever they want, then no that’s not good but that’s not what gentle parenting is, that’s just neglect.

I would say I’m a gentle parent.
I don’t hit, I’m not strict, I rarely shout etc but that’s because I don’t need to.

The more strict and harsh you are, the more your kids will rebel and struggle at life.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 13/08/2023 15:33

Thisweeksname · 13/08/2023 14:59

Yes some kids are awful! A while ago, I saw some young teens maybe 12ish throwing rubbish at passers by and just generally be obnoxious, a man told them off and a woman (a stranger not a parent) said he shouldn’t speak to kids like that 😂We’ve become a society where kids rule, teachers can barely control them and we’re raising a generation of entitled brats

But they’re not being raised in a home with gentle parenting, they’re being raised in a home that’s neglectful or have other issues going on to turn them into little shits.

LolaSmiles · 13/08/2023 15:34

I think you've misunderstood gentle parenting and have got it confused with permissive parenting and overindulgence

Why would modelling respectful relationships and holding boundaries in a calm, authoritative way prevent children holding down a job?

CandyflossKaren · 13/08/2023 15:35

@Itsnotrightbutitsok how old are your dc ?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/08/2023 15:35

SomewhereWithSomeone · 13/08/2023 15:23

Reading through examples of gentle parenting, we probably did lots of it although didn’t realise it had a term. It seems normal to me to listen and respect your children, not shout at them, teach them to think of others, explain reasoning instead of just being the ‘behave this way because I said so’ type.

I think explaining things, listening to them, respecting their opinions, is much more time consuming but really pays off in the teen and adult years. Our kids know we are reasonable, and that they’re important, so they respect us because they like us. My kids are really lovely people who think of others l, the teen years were/are very easy. They have great friends and older ones have worked part time whilst studying from 17.

All my friends have parented similarly and their kids are all doing well in their studies, work and relationships.

Yes, that has been my experience too. It's just normal parenting in my view. It's pretty much how my own parents raised dsis and me, and we both seem to be reasonably normal functioning members of society with friends and jobs etc.

But it seems that the OP doesn't really want to discuss parenting styles because she hasn't bothered coming back to the thread. Shame, I'd have loved to have heard her pearls of wisdom about how to do parenting properly.

I'm sorry to those on this thread who were not treated with kindness and respect when they were children. Flowers

fivelilducks · 13/08/2023 15:36

MXVIT · 13/08/2023 14:50

I think you've misunderstood gentle parenting. Wildly.

Me too

helpfulperson · 13/08/2023 15:36

There is a tiktocker called attachment nerd who has a lot of videos showing what gentle parenting actually is. the one that stick outs for me is one describing how she deals with a child not wanting to get up and go to school. It is full of empathy and understanding but throughout she makes it clear that going to school when not ill isn't optional.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/08/2023 15:36

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 13/08/2023 15:31

There is no such thing as showing too much love or support.
Your kids will turn out more resilient and well adjusted than a parent who tries to teach them a lesson.

Obviously, it depends on your definition of gentle parenting.
If it’s letting your kids do whatever they want, then no that’s not good but that’s not what gentle parenting is, that’s just neglect.

I would say I’m a gentle parent.
I don’t hit, I’m not strict, I rarely shout etc but that’s because I don’t need to.

The more strict and harsh you are, the more your kids will rebel and struggle at life.

Totally agree with this.

Hollyppp · 13/08/2023 15:37

YABU you don’t understand gentle parenting at all

ihadamarveloustime · 13/08/2023 15:40

Thisweeksname · 13/08/2023 14:59

Yes some kids are awful! A while ago, I saw some young teens maybe 12ish throwing rubbish at passers by and just generally be obnoxious, a man told them off and a woman (a stranger not a parent) said he shouldn’t speak to kids like that 😂We’ve become a society where kids rule, teachers can barely control them and we’re raising a generation of entitled brats

Yep!

Whenever any badly behaved tweens and teens in our area are pulled up on their really poor behaviour, and sometimes bad enough to be pulled up on social media while people ask where their parents are ... it's the people who complain who get shredded by the parents and their friends. You couldn't make it up.

Same in schools.

5128gap · 13/08/2023 15:42

Many aspects of gentle parenting are simply being a decent person who treats their child with kindness and respect, just repackaged and sold to the current generation of parents like its something ground breaking. Given that generations of people have turned out fine without it, I think its largely a solution looking for a problem.
Some people's interpretation of it I think is extreme. The lengthy often age inappropriate explanations and negotiations, the centering of the child's feelings above all else, the idea that children are never simply naughty but must have 'unmet needs'...
I'm interested to see how it will pan out for the children of the more zealous practitioners as I think its too early to tell.

pointythings · 13/08/2023 15:42

GenieGenealogy · 13/08/2023 15:03

Sitting (or trying to sit) a tantrumming toddler down and asking them to think about choices. Or when little 2 year old Araminta clobbers Persephone with a toy truck, having a long chat about actions and consequences and how Persephone might feel.

Show quote history

This is typical of people who don't understand gentle parenting.

What you do as a gentle parent with the tantrumming toddler is take them away from the situation, wait for the tantrum to die down, keep calm and don't shout. So as a gentle parent - yes, you absolutely can cart them out of the supermarket. You just do it without anger.

When your child clobbers another, you take away the toy truck, you remove them from the situation, you calmly tell them off and depending on how things have been you either let them back on a final chance (if they are able to understand this) or take them home altogether.

It's about being firm with boundaries but without the anger and the shouting.

Chipsahoy · 13/08/2023 15:44

I gentle parent. That doesn’t mean you don’t tell them off. You don’t scream at them. You treat them as humans. You create people who can empathise, but also hold boundaries, who can feel and express what they feel without harming themselves or others.
My children are individuals, each different but none are spoiled or violent or mean or entitled. They make mistakes. They mess up. They are loved even harder when they do.
Lifelong therapy is for me, who was shamed throughout childhood and horrendously abused

Twoleftlegs · 13/08/2023 15:48

I don’t think you understand what it is

the most permissive and indulgent parenting comes from tyrannical parents who tend to chop and change their expectations based on whatever makes their life easier at that time

YoureALizardHarry11 · 13/08/2023 15:48

Someone really doesn’t understand what gentle parenting AKA authoritative parenting entails…

FutureThroughLensOfThePast · 13/08/2023 15:49

if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe

I wish I had been the centre of my parents' universe.

babbscrabbs · 13/08/2023 15:52

I'm guessing OP practises goady parenting

BertieBotts · 13/08/2023 15:55

Could you be more specific about what you think is unhelpful?

People defending gentle parenting or saying OP has misunderstood gentle parenting, could you explain your own definition of it, not just why it doesn't fit the accusation in the OP?

I think this is a more helpful way to have a discussion, because there is no universally agreed definition of exactly what "gentle parenting" is, so whether you're dismissing it or defending it, everyone probably all has a slightly different definition.

Much more constructive if we can all share our own feelings about "validation of feelings" or "no punishment" or "long explanations".

Less so if poster A is saying that "gentle parenting" (by which they mean no boundaries, no rules) leads to entitled selfish kids, and poster B is saying that's not true, because "gentle parenting" (by which they mean nonviolent communication; I-statements) really calmed down their family life, and poster C is saying "gentle parenting" (by which they mean Janet Lansbury and Visible Child) is what they aspire to, but it is really exhausting and taxing and sometimes they wonder if it's actually worth it, and poster D is saying "gentle parenting" (by which they mean Big Little Feelings on instagram) sounded nice but they found that it stopped working.... etc etc etc.

There is no sense in having a discussion about a concept where everyone has a totally different definition. Pick a concrete concept or part or expert or influencer or philosophy or book, let's discuss that.

5128gap · 13/08/2023 15:56

Chipsahoy · 13/08/2023 15:44

I gentle parent. That doesn’t mean you don’t tell them off. You don’t scream at them. You treat them as humans. You create people who can empathise, but also hold boundaries, who can feel and express what they feel without harming themselves or others.
My children are individuals, each different but none are spoiled or violent or mean or entitled. They make mistakes. They mess up. They are loved even harder when they do.
Lifelong therapy is for me, who was shamed throughout childhood and horrendously abused

This is what I'm curious about (genuinely trying to understand)
What do you mean by mess up? Because mess up could be that your one DC is demonstrating positive behaviours and your other decides to smack them round the head.
So when you say "when they mess up you love them harder", what does that look like? And how do you avoiding sending the messsge that negative behavior leads to that special extra love?

Gellhell · 13/08/2023 15:59

I think the opposite is true. They will be more emotionally literate. Making them a great friend and employee.

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