To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

[ForestGoblin]

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

I think you've misunderstood gentle parenting. Wildly.

Most children are pretty myopic until they start school however they’re patented. I suspect that by the time gentle-patented children have been in Reception class for a couple of months they’ll have had a bit of reality knocked into them and realised that what happens at home isn’t how things are going to work with their teacher and it certainly won’t fly with their peers. Most of us turn out alright eventually.

What is "gentle parenting"?

You're right, you get one chance. Thats what gentle parenting is all about. Holding firm boundaries with calmness, speaking to the human beings your raising with respect, modelling forgiveness and apologies because children learn by watching what we do not by doing what we say.

*you’re

This!

I think you are confusing gentle parenting with indulging your children.

Gentle parenting is about treating your children as actual real people, who deserve respect and autonomy over the things they are ready to handle. It is explaining the reasons for decisions. It is remembering that you shouldn't talk down to them just because they're smaller than you. It is being aware of their skills and limitations and never shaming them. It is many things.

In my experience, giving children respect, independence, autonomy and calm role modelling leads to calm, confident kids who are able to interact with other kids and adults well.

I think you might mean permissive parenting i.e always letting the child do what they want, rather than gentle which is more about understanding and guiding.

I mean… it’s complicated. For every actual gentle parent there’s at least one permissive parent and two people with eye rolly attitudes to gentle parenting. So it’s not very easy to get a straight answer ime.

My own experience is that among the middle classes the gently parented get away with all sorts that the rest of us wouldn’t tolerate, which I imagine is a version of what you’re saying. Though ime it’s because half the time the parents are so exhausted from the way that they have to endlessly parent/negotiate/discuss, that they can’t face yet another chat about why we don’t jump on the sofa in shoes or play with the bin or whatever.

My DF’s sons are being gentle parented, never told off, always calmy spoken too and explained everything and given the option to talk about their feelings. Both massive brats who are violent to other children, constantly demanding attention and breaking toys if they don’t get it. Constantly asking for treats, sweets, cake etc I guess never hearing a straight “no” must encourage this. Can’t bear to organise playdates anymore.

"gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job

Sorry, but I've had a lifetime of friendlessness, joblessness and more because I was abused as a child and live with CPTSD as a result.

I'd have given my left arm for "gentle parenting".

Yes some kids are awful! A while ago, I saw some young teens maybe 12ish throwing rubbish at passers by and just generally be obnoxious, a man told them off and a woman (a stranger not a parent) said he shouldn’t speak to kids like that 😂We’ve become a society where kids rule, teachers can barely control them and we’re raising a generation of entitled brats

Surely that's just shit parenting not proper "gentle parenting" 😂

For sure. Its great to learn about respect and forgiveness and explaining WHY something can't be done instead of just saying no, except then they will go to school or work and instead of having reasonings gently explained to them they will be told "no. Now sit down". They will probably have a melt down.

OK, I have just googled it. This is pretty much how I raised my child... it's just normal parenting to me and sounds like common sense.

DD doesn't appear to have suffered any ill effects. She has tons of friends and did well in her PT job before she left to focus on her exams.

What's your objection to it and why do you think it would make people friendless and unemployable? What do you do differently with your children?

I think you mean passive or permissive parenting.

Gentle parenting can be really tough! We did real world consequences that other parents thought were really harsh.

Accepting that your DC have their own opinions, allowing them to feel differently from you about stuff, resolving problems without bullying and shouting- that's actually pretty helpful for small brains.

Lots of authoritative parenting relies on intimidation renamed as respect. Ie. Do what your told because I'm your mother!

Children who aren't traumatised in childhood actually have really good boundaries as adults and are good at resolving problems.

But their DM thinks it’s gentle parenting 😂😂 her 5 year old was very violent to another child at the playground recently (for no apparent reason), they had a long gentle chat but no consequence or apologies 😒

As is the case for most things a balance is invariably the best.

OP I'm really interested to hear what you think gentil parenting is.

Sitting (or trying to sit) a tantrumming toddler down and asking them to think about choices. Or when little 2 year old Araminta clobbers Persephone with a toy truck, having a long chat about actions and consequences and how Persephone might feel.

Yes I agree with you when people interpret "gentle parenting" as permissive parenting, which many do. But for those who take the time and effort to interpret the studies correctly and do it right, then "respectful parenting/ authoritative is in my view the optimum approach with children.

I followed some (not all) gentle parenting approaches and I think it paid off in spades. They are lovely, kind children who absolutely know the world doesn't revolve around them.

Nothing wrong with actually gentle parenting.
The issue is when a weak person who either can’t be bothered or doesn’t know how to parent lets their kids do what they want and call it “gentle parenting”

All the fuck of this. And

The actual children who struggle are the ones who get the opposite of gentle parenting.

I had a friend like this until her gently parented teen head butt his grandad, her df. He ended up in hospital for a few days with bad concussion & a fracture. That really shocked her, she initially tried to explain it away & then realised that nobody was buying it. She's put interventions in place now but it's not easy.