To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

[ForestGoblin]

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

Not really. You're deliberately misunderstanding what I'm saying.

Yes, that's what I thought.

I did indeed.

Gentle parenting has managed to help DD avoid the demand avoidance/rejection sensitivity so many of her ND friends have now.

Hasn't stopped the squirrels though.

Oh definitely this ^

So that's a contradiction to where you also say:

If you're talking about situation 2, no I don't force my child to apologise unless they feel that one is needed. (Situation 2 was the one where a poster was talking about a child clobbering the other)

You literally say in your first post, that you'd take your child over to say sorry. Then follow it up with another post saying the child only apologises if they choose.

Which is it?

I'm not deliberately misunderstanding you either. You're contradicting yourself.

And you'll see I said "oops" in my next post when I realised they were quoting someone else not me.

Authoritative parenting is gentle parenting I thing you mean authoritarian parenting

Excuse me for being 'out of touch' but is this not normal every day parenting expressions.

But that doesn't change that you gave two contradictory examples of what you would do...does it?

I didn't use "life isn't fair" the others were used regularly where appropriate

My parents were the gentlest of gentle parents and I’m a very successful career woman with a great relationship with my parents. I see them regularly. Conversely those with overly strict parents barely speak to them as adults!

Every ‘gentle parent’ that I’ve ever met is actually a permissive parent. Their children run riot at the expense of everyone else - we left my daughters forest school full of ineffectual parents who just said ‘gentle hands, let’s go over here’ when their children hit mine, snatched etc… Mine wouldn’t have dreamed of it, I would never hit or shout but they have clear boundaries and consequences for their actions.

The final straw was one boy constantly trying to grab at and hug my daughter, despite my daughter repeatedly saying no and the mother ‘redirecting’ he continued. Eventually I removed him whilst he pulled my crying daughters hair and told him ‘no, we do not pull her hair’. The mother had the temerity to have a go at me. We never returned. I do wonder what sort of person that child will grow up in to if his mother never enforces any boundaries.

It ultimately seems incredibly selfish, that others suffer at the ‘gentle parenting’ child’s expense.

As I mentioned in a previous post children need to know who is boss. It gives them a sense of security.

I echo what everyone else said about mixing up gentle and permissive. I also think some parents who’ve had shitty experiences growing up try to be gentle and end up being permissive because they know they don’t want to be abusive but have never had proper boundaries modelled to them so they don’t know what to do instead. Parenting is bloody hard work - I generally think we’re all just muddling through and trying our best. They’ll all hate us in their teens anyway 😂

I think it’s unhelpful to use extremes. Whether that’s extreme permissive parenting (mislabelled ‘gentle’) where the child is allowed to misbehave and hurt others without consequence, or at the other end, extreme authoritarian parenting where the child is effectively abused and terrified of their parents.

Most parents are in the middle surely, with good and bad days. Trying to explain and treat their children with respect, ensuring they behave well and don’t upset others. Some days explaining with kindness and on others, perhaps shouting occasionally when stressed. Loved and safe kids usually feel secure, whatever label their parents choose to use for the methods they use.

I imagine most of us don’t need or use these labels anyway. Certainly my friends didn’t and all our kids are pretty happy and decent young adults now.

I mean it's forest school. It's going to be full of wankers. All relying on everyone else being a ponce.

In real life, gentle parenting is in mixed communities with a range of parents. You have to be adaptable.

Yes absolutely here too!!

I am ND as are my DS and my DD. I follow gentle parenting principles - but really I fail to see how it’s anything than good basic parenting?! 🤷‍♀️

I don’t shout or raise my voice. It’s counter productive and unhelpful. Getting loud or aggressive would just send my DC’s anxiety rocketing and they wouldn’t be able to listen to what I’m actually saying.

We have very clear boundaries and I expect my DC to be kind, thoughtful and respectful of others. And they are. They are very clear about what is expected of them as a decent (mini) human. They are also very clear that I will treat them with respect and kindness in return.

We had an incident last year which involved DD lying about something and breaking the trust I had given her. I was hugely disappointed in her. We had a discussion about what she’d done and she apologised. The thing she’d been given access to was removed from her and she still doesn’t have it back. It’s not a punishment, it’s a consequence. She’s embarrassed by her behaviour and she understands why she doesn’t have the thing now. Not a single raised voice - but she is very, very clear about how upset I was with her dishonesty. And now she’s lost the thing she really enjoyed. Consequences. Bloody killed me to take it off her mind you!! I could see how much she enjoyed it but it’s something that doesn’t work without trust so that was that.

People saying we have no boundaries really don’t understand gentle parenting.

And they also have no clue about how it’s the best approach for ND children. I mean it’s great for any child, but if you’ve got a ND child it’s even more important to be clear, calm, and model the behaviour you want to see.

One brilliant parenting tip I heard many years ago was: what goes in your child’s ears will eventually come out of their mouth.

Fill their ears with kindness and respect and you’re much more likely to get the same in return.

I agree. It's often parents of "adjusted young adults" that post these things who don't have a clue about the damage they've inflicted on their children. Then they get their knickers in a twist when their own children end up in therapy and try to establish boundaries, end up walked all over, or parent differently to break the cycle.

I swear the regular ‘let me demonstrate that I don’t understand gentle parenting’ threads come around earlier each year.

Things gentle parenting is not:
-giving your child everything they ask for;
-no boundaries;
-no consequences;
-never expressing anger or frustration;
-allowing your child to behave however they please.

Things gentle parenting is:
-relying on actual reasons and logic for boundaries rather than just making it up as you go along;
-explaining what the boundaries are and why they exist;
-applying natural and logical consequences when boundaries are broken;
-recognising that a child - and a parent - has emotions, helping them to recognise them, and talking through acceptable and unacceptable ways of showing those emotions;
-recognising that your child can see when you get things wrong, and are as entitled to an apology as any adult would be if you mess up.

I’ve agreed with everything you’ve said on here until this - what’s wrong with first school?! We have lots around us locally and they’re fantastic, my son is going to one from September!

@fyn I consider myself a gentle parent and I wouldn’t have accepted that mother having a go at you if I were you. Also, she’s not practicing what she preaches if she’s having a go at you but not disciplining her own child. Discipline is important and it’s part of gentle parenting. Sorry you had a crappy experience.

They make mistakes. They mess up. They are loved even harder when they do

Oh lordy. That last sentence is vomit inducing - "they are loved harder"

For goodness sake.

Just love them normally. Parent normally.

We dont always have to put extra words to things to make them sound different.

Dont hit kids, try and explain things at their level and dont shout if it isnt needed.

Dinodough

Alas, 4 teachers in my family who've all said they are increasingly struggling with poor behaviour. Children who don't expect to obey without an explanation, who don't stick at things they don't like doing, who don't take being told "no" well. My sister was tearing her hair out at her primary class last year, there's no time to talk things out because a child is sad that they don't want to do their maths when there are 30 in a class.

😂😂😂
I felt this!

Why are people forever misunderstanding gentle parenting as permissive parenting!!