To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

[ForestGoblin]

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

I have a 1 year old so should probably know what this is. Don’t so did a google. Some of it sounds insane - like never saying no. Some sounds sensible like empathy and talking about feelings.

Interesting discussion.

I think we ‘gentle parented’ to an extent, without knowing it was a thing. We had clear boundaries which we explained, mainly avoided shouting etc. But we also got cross occasionally and afterwards apologised and explained.

I have a friend who ‘gentle parents’, she is a wreck a lot of the time as she feels so guilty for experiencing any emotion which might be construed as negative. I do wonder how these kids will grow up knowing that it’s OK to be angry, upset, etc and that it can be managed.

True

I mean, what is the worst that could happen?

Most adults are thick, thoughtless, selfish and rude and were not raised by parents practising gentle parenting.

That's just ineffective/permissive parenting whilst trying to pretend it's 'gentle'. I know a few of those too, I avoid them unless I have to see them.

Last time I did spend time with one (on a multi-day trip) I politely asked the child to not kick a ball at my tethered dog three times before using my telling off voice. Same kid tormented numerous children at this trip, including my child; and as a result they've now been banned from joining us on future trips because of the Mum's inability to manage the child's behaviour. This was within a group of what I would call "gentle parents" and half of us have neurodivergent kids, so it's not like we have little angels or are unfamiliar with managing behaviours.

Permissive parenting is not gentle parenting, gentle parenting is authoritative. This explains it well:
Authoritative. In this parenting style, the parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children. They attempt to control children's behavior by explaining rules, discussing, and reasoning. They listen to a child's viewpoint but don't always accept it.
https://www.apa.org/act/resources/fact-sheets/parenting-styles#:~:text=Authoritative,don't%20always%20accept%20it.

It's not about never saying no, it's about being selective when you use it. If you're always saying no and never enforcing no it becomes meaningless. If you say no and mean it and stick to your no it has some weight to it and is easier to enforce.

100%

But it’s not all about your child ! That is the point. The child that got hit may appreciate an apology. Parenting seems to be all about protecting your own child and not traumatising them by setting firm boundaries . Teach your DC to empathise with others , apologies are part of that.

You have no idea what gentle parenting is. Not whacking your kids, shouting down to them and locking them in their rooms will actually help their neural pathways.

I think the first reply had it right.
You've misunderstood what gentle parenting entails.

If my child smacked another one I would remove my child from the situation, firmly tell them how cross I was with them and you do not hit. Once they had calmed down I'd walk them over to the child they'd hit and explain they had hurt and upset the child through their actions and to say sorry. Then remove my child completely from that environment (such as the park) as their consequence.

Unless the child deserved the wallop in which case I'd say it was natural consequences in action but we don't resolve problems with violence and again remove them from the park.

Of course you can say no, but it’s respectful to explain why in an age appropriate way. Like my eldest has been begging for the game Among Us for a year. I’ve said a hard no, but I always follow it with reasons (it’s online, I feel you’re too young for a game of that nature, we will discuss it again when you’re about 9, etc). I tell him I am not saying no to be mean, but for his own well-being. It is not a situation where finding his own consequences would be useful if that makes sense. But ‘no’ followed by ‘because I say so’ or ‘I think video games are stupid and rot your brain’ wouldn’t be a productive conversation, it makes it all about you and your feelings whilst completely dismissing the child.

Unfortunately, IME, the Venn diagram of gentle parenting and shit parenting doesn't so much overlap, but the two circles are essentially on top of each other. I think the problem is nearly every shit parent, incorrectly calls themselves a "gentle parent.". So the two things have been unfortunately become interchangeable to a lot of people.

My friendship group of mums (through school, say hello to or maybe have a brief coffee with etc, not close proper friends) I would say totals about 30. Of which 5 call themselves gentle parents. I have no idea how they actually parent their DC. But I do know their awfully behaved children are not welcome in my home, and most other mums avoid them for playdates/party invites. I also notice that the GP mother's think their DC are superior, mainly due to how superior they are as a mother, to a cringe worthy level.

I have a family member who gentle parents. One of her DC hasn't gone to school for over a year now. Never used to be a problem, but now it's a thing. He's simply realised he can get away with it. She doesn't like the word "No" and will accept zero constructive criticism or help, and can't see all she's doing is enabling him. Is she an actual GP? She says she is, but who knows?

So, to be clear, I (and I think a lot of people) don't really know what GP is. But all the people I know who claim to be practicing it, have awful children. And because I don't know what it is, or how it's different to what they are doing, and don't care enough or have the time to look up other people's parenting styles, I just accept them saying they are GP and see the evidence of that in how their DC behave.

Those of you confused by gentle parenting, do you like Bluey?

This is exactly how I would (and have) handle that situation but my gentle parenting friends ask their DC if they think they handled the situation well and accept whatever the DC says, rather than guiding them in any direction. They say they do not want to tell their DC how or what to feel. If other DC do not share a toy with their DC, the parents want a conference and a long winded discussion with all the children involved. It’s just so over the top.

It means when darling Oscar is being a little sod in the supermarket and irritating everyone in a ten metre radius instead of telling him to just behave ffs, you smile meekly and con yourself that his feral spirited behaviour is joyful for everyone else.

Oh middle class parents are gentle parents.

Working class parents are just feckless.

A child who feels detached and unloved from their primary caregiver is going to be a much bigger issue later in life than anyone who was parented gently by your definition

Think about the times you would say no. And how many are required or could be different.

And I saw it more as not spending your time saying 'no' and never explaining or empatising.

If it's done well it's quick ad age appropriate. And gives context as to whether it's a 'never' or 'not now' or 'not while you're screaming'. Ad acknowledges the child's feelings. It uses humour and respect.

For example when DD would whine and moan about wanting something I wasn't going to give her. A permissive parent would give in, an authoritarian parent would just say "no". I might do a few things. She had pocket money from very young, "DD do you have enough to buy it yourself?" "No?" "That's a shame, maybe save up" Or "sorry DD I can't understand you when you speak whine" and then I'd make confused faces. Normally she'd laugh and stop. Or "we can stay if you don't mither about it but we will have to leave if you keep on" in a calm level voice. No 'no' required.

People sometimes do this version of trainee social worker I know is annoying, "honey I know you're feeling sad my love and I really understand. We aren't going to have the toy right now because it's not developmentally appropriate honeykins. Mummy is so sorry and I see your big feelings and I love you". That's too long, not succinct, not age appropriate. But just a no without empathy or context isn't good either.

My DF gentle parents and always talks to her DC calmly and explains things to the last detail. There is never any rushing, or shouting and balling like there is in my house. They home school too. If the kids don’t want to brush their hair, they don’t, if they want to wear odd socks and a swimming costume to the shops - they do. But nothing ever gets done on time, they’ve rejected this conventional life of school, clubs, team sports, they all just kind of amble along very happily. An example, after play date at my house, I would say it takes 45 mins of my DF convincing and cajoling them in to getting their shoes on, no shouting, just explaining why we need shoes, why they have to leave, explaining that I have to go out. Whereas I would yell ‘shoes on!’ Maybe six times before getting shouty and saying ‘kids, we need to go now, I’m going to lose my mind if you don’t hurry up’ and it takes 10 mins of stress and shouting, but at least it’s done.

It’s nice she doesn’t lose her rag, but it’s too relaxed and slow paced for me. Life isn’t like that, as an adult you need to catch trains, be in the office for 9, my children are used to that. Hers haven’t a clue, but they live a life that is purely focused on them.

Hahahaha - how childish to accuse someone of making something up because you don’t like what they are saying.

I would have done exactly the same 25 years ago with DC, and would today with DGC. I also love Bluey! Does that make me a gentle (grand) parent?

🙄

Having raised 3 (now) teens with gentle parenting, I'm absolutely certain you are wrong. They are well-liked, compassionate, understand the consequences of their choices and are generally responsible young adults. We have a great relationship as I've never tried to control or dominate them with fear.

Why do you think it would work out badly? It's a really tough way to parent a child, lots of learning from the consequences of their mistakes, and much more autonomy and responsibilities at a younger age than most of their peers.

Permissive parenting is closer to abuse by neglect than it is to genuine gentle parenting.

Like my eldest has been begging for the game Among Us for a year. I’ve said a hard no, but I always follow it with reasons (it’s online, I feel you’re too young for a game of that nature, we will discuss it again when you’re about 9, etc). I tell him I am not saying no to be mean, but for his own well-being.

I have similar with Fortnite @Gerrataere at a similar age. She finally understood when I said, "the Venn diagram of the kids you say are badly behaved bullies and the ones who get Fortnite is a circle DD." She never asked again