To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

[ForestGoblin]

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

Maybe but previous generations of parents haven't exactly done well with their parenting have they? Huge numbers of MH issues, obesity, increasing alcoholism etc in the current adult bracket. I don't blame parents now for trying something different, because what was happening before clearly didn't work!

Agreed. DD is 12 and knows that I firmly believe she is the best person in the world. She rolls her eyes, says, "all mums think that" and goes on with her day. It's completely healthy. She's aware that no one else in the world is required to believe it (her dad and granddad do).

I know a few children who know they aren't important tot their parents. They are not healthy or happy.

And the main reason I didn't use the word 'no' very much to DD as a small child isn't gentle parenting. It's that hearing toddlers scream "NO" all day because that's all they hear is wearing. She heard plenty of 'not now' 'not that' 'hands to yourself' and similar. Just not the interminable NO.

And gentle parenting isn't no consequences. An example is spilling things. DD would mess around with a drink and spill. I would have been shouted at while my mum cleared up. "I told you so". Instead DD would look shocked and apologise. I'd say, "what do you think you could do to fix it?" And she would clean up. No shouting, natural consequences, lesson about not arsing around. Another mum came to my house once and DD spilled. The other mum looked annoyed and started to say something and I said, "please wait". DD went and got supplies and cleaned without being asked. I said thanks. No need for shouting or humiliating, or work for me. DD gets to be effective, fix her own mistakes, not be forced to apologise just fix things. She can apologise though when required. She just knows that making good is the actual behaviour, not the apology.

You need to be consistent, calm, expect good behaviour but understand when they are tired, hungry, just a small child.

I’m so bored of reading these threads - because it’s never an actual debate.

Just a load of people pretending gentle parents never discipline their children

This!

I think PPs upthread might have hit the nail on the head that these sort of hyperbolic (made up) examples of so-called gentle parents are done by parents who regularly lose their shit, shout at their kids, and use shame/humiliation but want to feel better about themselves.

What critics of gentle/respectful parenting have yet to explain to me on any thread is what's so bad about adults remaining the adult in the room, treating their child with respect/kindness and holding boundaries in an appropriate way.

I sometimes wonder why some parents are so invested in confusing permissive parenting with respectful and authoritative parenting. Why wouldn't people want to treat their children with kindness and model how to calmly hold boundaries?

No idea what you think gentle parenting is but I’m assuming you are one of those bully parents who will make kids suffer bullying or abuse from teachers or relatives simply because in your day you had to go though it so they can too ?

Think OP is definitely mistaking gentle parenting with permissive parenting here.

Gentle parenting is just having respect for your kids as people, showing kindness and compassion, offering choices and setting firm boundaries in a healthy way.

So, for my own sanity I'm going to assume the OP is mistaken, cos if she's not and she thinks kids don't deserve that then I don't want to know.

All of this. I see the shouting parents still shouting. All I need is an eyebrow raised for DD to get the message. Not because she's scared but because if my eyebrow goes up it's rare, appropriate and she knows I mean it.

I swear some parents perform control in front of other people because they are weak, unassertive people who can only do it with children.

The effects of that type of parenting doesn’t really show itself until those ‘young adults’ become older adults who either realise they’ve been stepped on their whole life and don’t understand why (always do what they’re told without question) or when they have their own kids and realise their own parents are awful authoritarians. Go on to the ‘relationships’ part of MN and see the real consequences of ‘don’t answer back’ parenting. Real eye opener…

I would say I gentle parent however I am super strict. My kids are told off, however I don’t scream at them. I have only ever shouted twice when I lost my cool and let me emotions take over.

I come down to their level, explain why their behaviour isn’t acceptable, what the consequence will be. If they can’t regulate their emotions or need think about their actions I do use the naughty step. Lots of cuddles and kisses afterwards. We talk about boundaries and others emotions.

This. Gentle parenting is about respect in both directions, not a free for all.

My friend absolutely did not believe in saying no to her children and indulged in every whim. She called her parenting style gentle which it clearly isn't, there wasn't any engagement from her at all. This lack of parenting is what is commonly misinterpretated as gentle parenting.

There isn't any domestic violence in the family, the teenager just doesn't like being told no. That's it and her lack of enforcing boundaries is the reason why he behaves the way he does.

Those who rebelled, IME, on balance, had parents who were largely disengaged for whatever reason. Authoritative parenting, NB: not Authoritarian, I wish I’d been more in that camp. I think there’s a move back towards it.

You or the people you have seen employing the method have misunderstood what “gentle parenting” means. HTH.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean no consequences though... Or not saying no?!
It just means talking to your child like a person, calmly and discussing/explaining stuff. The main reason I always try not to shout and reason first is that it very rarely helps the situation.

I've always tried to be a gentle parent (anyone who says they are all the time is lying or a saint!!). But my kids have consequences, there are rules in our house, and I say no, and explain why.
So far they are conscientious, kind and lovely kids for most of the time. The rest of the time they are arseholes. Because they are stil kids after all.

I'm not sure exactly what gentle parenting is .

However - I hope that my son (only child) was/is the centre of MY universe . That is NOT the same as being the centre of THE universe .

In his 20s now, he makes friends easily (although still has the same best friend made at 5 years old); has a partner and a job where he has worked for 5 years .

For people who don't seem to understand what the difference is between gentle/respectful parenting (and other names for similar approaches where the parents aim to remain respectful and hold boundaries in a calm way), I'm going to leave this here.

Authoritative parenting is not permissive.

Which begs the question, why would anyone want to be very invested in pretending permissive and authoritative approaches are the same?

I think you’re probably right 😂

Authoritative parenting not authoritarian. I had it and grew up well mannered & respectful. I didn’t parent in same way & it’s a bitter regret. Too much agency, too young, leads to unhappiness I think. As ever a balance, but there’s nothing wrong with being strict & enforcing strong boundaries. Those that have, have reaped the rewards.

I think the problem is a lot of parents misunderstand it too though. I do worry we are raising a generation of narcissists, egged on by the likes of Sarah OS.

As have many parents trying (badly) to practise it.

One chance to get it right which is why gentle parenting needs to be done right. Firm boundaries, respectful conversations, not losing your shit at them is essential. If you do lose your rag or need to time out talk through the big emotions when everyone has calmed down.

Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting.

I see so many parents I know gently talking to their children about their big feelings like they’re in a bloody therapy session, rather than tell their DC to go over and apologise to the other child they’ve just hit whilst they were experiencing their big big feelings .

Children with closer attachments to parents are less likely to have anxiety. Probably because they know they can trust them with anything

But then you get a child who wallops another says sorry then wallops them again because they think sorry fixes everything.

This. My ex was raised to believe huffing ‘sorry’ fixed everything and most of the time continued the behaviour anyway. Usually followed by ‘why are you angry I said sorry!’, yet if asked why I was angry or the situation needed an apology he’d literally have no clue.

Sorry isn’t a magic word that fixes everything, there has to be understanding of why the other person needs an apology. If that’s not instilled from a young age then some people never understand how to put themselves into another person’s perspective.

Yep, a raised eyebrow always did it for dd too. No need for screaming and shouting!