To think "gentle parents" are setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job?

[ForestGoblin]

You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don't learn that you're not the centre of anyone else's universe as a young kid you never will.

I’m so bored of reading these threads - because it’s never an actual debate.

Just a load of people pretending gentle parents never discipline their children.

Ditto all the above posts pointing out you mean permissive parenting.

Also, I have the opposite problem, most times I try to explain to my son stand back other people need space too, or let these people get on the bus first they arrived before us etc etc the people in question will insist it's ok or insist on let him go first. So it's often not easy to teach these lessons!

Also I'm trying to teach him consent "feel free to ask this girl, can we play together, they might say yes or no" and then the other parent takes offence saying my child is brought up to say yes as if girls have to say yes if a boy asks for their attention.

The list is endless but I'm sure he'll turn out ok!

@GenieGenealogy 🤣🤣

"Or when little 2 year old Araminta clobbers Persephone with a toy truck, having a long chat about actions and consequences and how Persephone might feel."

Why would you call that "gentle parenting"? Surely it's just bad parenting, isn't it? Or failing to parent at all.

I didn't know what "gentle parenting" was before reading this thread. I googled it and read a few links. None of them suggested that gentle parenting involved letting your child behave badly and not doing anything about it. So I'm curious as to why you would make that link?

Hahaha tell me you don’t know what gentle parenting is without telling me you don’t know what gentle parenting is…….

So if they are naughty, or repeatedly don’t listen shouting at them isn’t abuse - it’s a consequence of their behaviour.

Would you listen more to someone if they shouted at you? Because I wouldn’t respect that person, so why shout at a child more than half your size?

Im not a perfect parent and I have shouted. I apologise for shouting though if it has come to it. Shouting is a consequence of everyone losing control, not wholly the child’s responsibility.

Gentle parenting is difficult. Some people use it to cover their own absence of parenting. But the real think is hard work and incredibly effective

Out of interest, a lot of people are saying that they know children who have been "gentle parented" etc. How do people even know how other people are parenting their children? Do they spend hours discussing parenting philosophies with other parents or do they just make assumptions on the basis of the limited interactions that they witness between children and their parents?

well I have been her friend since they were 9 and I was often in her family home, I’ve spent holidays and Christmas with them, I still see them weekly, her parents are friends with my parents, and friend spoke with me for a long time about wishing she had grown up with better boundaries or consequences, before she sought therapy.

she is so in her head that she is often ineffectual.

Depends what your definition of “gentle parenting” is surely. Overly permissive is probably not great for development, neither is authoritarian parenting.

I think if you mean parenting that is boudaried, calm and respectful then I don’t see how that would do harm.

Those children who have had two, present parents who heard ‘no’, ‘do as your told’, ‘don’t be so ridiculous’ & ‘because I said so’ pretty regularly in formative years often are, IME, the happiest, stable & best adjusted young adults.

I am so sick and tired of people slating what they think is gentle parenting (when they are actually just describing lazy shit parenting). I've never shouted at my 6 year old, never had to. He's brilliantly behaved, yes he does things wrong and acts up but I don't need to shout or make him cry and dish out punishments.

Do you mean remaining emotionally regulated, self-aware and respectful of children as an individuals?

I ask as the people on here normally frothing about this call children, 'little shits', describe smacking as 'not great, but not the end of the world', and generally seem to have anger issues?

OK, so why would you deduce from that that she has been "gentle parented"?

From what I've read this afternoon, so-called "gentle parents" don't advocate for a lack of boundaries or consequences.

Surely what you describe for your friend is just "ineffective parenting" or "inadequate parenting"?

Shouldn't young children think they are the centre of your universe? Maybe depends how you are defining young children, I'm thinking babies, toddlers, preschoolers.

Interesting. Not my experience, personally. I think the kids who are parented like that are far more likely to push back and rebel against their parents. But of course, context is all and it's impossible to tell how people have really raised their kids from a few short words on the Internet!

I’d call it indulgent parenting. Not lazy or hands off but parenting which means the child is the centre of every decision, even grown up ones which they aren’t qualified to make. To the point a holiday would be cancelled if one child didn’t want to go. No consequences. Drug taking at home? It’s simply exploration in a safe environment. No boundaries.

Well being spanked, shouted at, sent to my room, and name called hardly set me up for well adjusted adulthood.

So excuse me for trying something different with my own child.

YABU

Personally, yes, I think it's healthy for them to think and feel this when they're tiny. That's not to say that they don't need to learn that other people have feelings and needs of their own, but feeling at the centre of your parents' world in those early years does probably build a sense of security and self esteem that will stand them in good stead as they get older.

I think it's hard to recognise that other people's wants and needs matter if you have never truly felt that your own wants and needs matter.

Even the genuine gentle parenting is annoying and makes annoying children. I can see how it might work at home, the big problem is that it doesn’t work in the real world.

My gentle parenting friend was round with her 2 children. One child got cake crumbs all over the carpet. Not a big a deal and I went to get the hoover. My friend wanted her child to deal with it and was making a big fuss about the child getting the dustpan and brush and cleaning it up. Thing is she was only young and couldn’t really do it, in fact it just made it worse. Would have been so much easier if the parents or child said “sorry I have made a bit of a mess” then I would say no worries I’ll just quickly hoover it up and we’ll all carry on having fun. It’s the performative bore listening to the lecture then helping to facilitate the “learning”. Sometimes children need to learn a quick sorry is normal. This style of parenting just makes every interaction about the child and their needs! This friend is also always late because she won’t make her children hurry in any way. Sadly no one ends up wanting to hang out with these families. They are a pain to make plans with you have to listen to the endless feeling validation talks or witness the weird whisper talking.

My parents were gentle parents (they were early adopters)
My brother and I are highly qualified professionals with happy lives and longlasting good relationships with our parents, each other and our spouses. I learned very early on that boundaries were generally there for a reason, I wouldn't be ignored or told off for questioning rules etc and that my parents were safe people who would never hurt or belittle me. I could approach them with any question.
Cheers, mum and dad.
It's their parenting that I model my own on.

Same.

I think there's a big difference between the interpretation of gentle parenting and the actual act of respectful parenting.

I hope I was the former. Most of the time, a very firm "stop that now" and a calm explanation as to why whatever it was they were doing at the time wasn't acceptable or appropriate, more often than not worked. Sometimes though, a raised voice and 'The Look' (as my grown up DC still refer to my angry face) plus the threat of an early bed was absolutely needed. My DC aren't perfect obviously, but they are kind, loving, content and successful adults with happy relationships and friends. I didn't parent in any particular style, but I think we did ok.

What I absolutely loathe witnessing is an out-of-control child wreaking havoc in someone else's environment, and the mother cooing at them "now then sweetie, we don't do that, do we/let's take a minute to think about our actions/let's remember what we learned about gentle hands/". When a 6 year old is tearing up somebody else's house/shop/property and throwing lego at their host or spitting food out on the floor, I personally want to hear "Stop that NOW", not "Oh bless you, I understand it's because you aren't yet old enough to articulate your frustrations verbally to us". I know the parents of these cherubs like to be regarded as 'gentle parents', when often the reality is they are just lazy bloody parents who are frightened their DC might not like them.

Gah, I've just realised I am an old fart, possibly stuck in a generation timewarp....

I had friends who let the kids believe they were the centre of the world for everyone. I remember her second son having a melt down at school when he was told off for something he'd been doing. He was crying to his Mum later something about the teacher not loving him. She stupidly answered that of course Mrs x loves you. So after he went off to play I told her she was setting him up for a world of hurt. He needs to know his family love him and the teachers are nice and teach him because it's their job, not because they love him. He was one very confused kid for ages. All three of her kids came ok in the end. no criminals, or bullies in the family. Although the oldest is a little odd, and is quite possessive when he gets a girlfriend I worry about him.

Sorry - I meant I hope I was a respectful parent, not simply 'gentle'

The issue I’ve spotted in various parks etc this summer appears to be people interpreting gentle parenting as having a long and in depth chat with a toddler, e.g. Child A hits child B with a stick. Parent of A crouches down for a long talk about why Child B is crying and the importance of an apology. Child A has at this point tuned out completely and is trying to run off to go on the slide. They can’t yet say the words sorry and frankly don’t have a clue what an apology is.

I’m all for not talking down to children, but it needs to be age appropriate. DD4 completely understands ‘How do you think X feels now you have taken the toy from her? How can you make this right?’. DD(just)2 however, gets a ‘No snatching’, toy taken off her and returned to affected child, then redirect into a different activity.

Seems baffling that we have to label parenting styles. Just supervise children and show them how to be kind, surely.