How the fucking FUCK do people do it?

[Tonightsthenight91]

Just how?! My DP has been in hospital for the last 2 weeks and my home life feels like it’s falling apart. I can’t believe how much I actually depend on him and how fucking excruciatingly hard it is to do everything on your own. HOW THE FUCK DO LONE PARENTS DO IT????

Silver lining is my appreciation for him has gone off the charts, I knew I always had a good one with him but it used to piss me off when people would say “oh isn’t he brilliant doing xyz chores and doing xyz with the kids” and my thoughts would be “well he’s an adult and a dad, so he should”. But christ.

Since he has been admitted our tv has broke (something he’d probably be able to fix in 10 minutes), hoover has broke (same again), parking sensors on my car have packed in, kids ipad has broke, laptop won’t charge. Genuinely can’t believe the bad luck, but all of those things he’d be able to fix.

Thats not to mention the chores that were “his job” that I can’t stand doing and I’m finding shockingly time consuming on top of everything else. Such as feeding pets, taking bins out, loading and unloading dishwasher, laundry loads, filling the cars up with petrol, vacuuming, making the beds, changing the bedding (worst of all!) and bathroom cleaning. All of those things are sort of “his jobs” and whilst I know they are day to day tasks, they just feel like so much effort in between running my businesses and looking after our kids!

As far as our kids are concerned I have complete and utter freedom if I want to go somewhere child free alls I have to do is let him know, be it the supermarket or a bloody last minute week long holiday with my friends it’s never an issue. And he somehow manages every chore, parents to perfection and has super fun days out, cooks and keeps the house spotless while I’m gone?!

I suppose I’m just venting really because I’m on my knees with worry about him, work stress, 2 considerable renovation projects, taking the financial hit of having to much time off work, plus all of this unfolding in the 6 weeks bloody holidays! Not to drip feed but I do have ADHD I’m wondering if that’s why I’m feeling overwhelmed. But my god I love him I need him and I want him home PRONTO 😂

And breathe.

He sounds like an angel and I hope he recovers and is home soon. Now is the time to sit and prioritise what needs done - ie everyone fed + clothed, bare minimum hygiene met. Have you got any family support? Friends who could take the kids for playdates?

He sounds great, hope he is okay. Sure you're doing amazing.

In answer to how single parents do it - my ex was nothing like your DP, nor are any of my friends male partners except one. Life feels much, much easier now with only three kids instead of a fourth gigantic one with a bad attitude. No child free time but thats ok. And if the TV, or the dishwasher stops working I ring my dad.

DH is military and me and the kids live where we grew up. It's really hard but it hard when he's home too. I'm autistic as well.

He really is! I just didn’t realise how much of an Angel he was. I feel like a right cow for moaning about the little things now 😂 and Thank you.

appreciate that comment RE twatty exes. Good perspective.

sorry to drip feed but I just very suddenly and unexpectedly lost my dear dad a couple of months back who was my rock and my go to for absolutely everything. So probably the grief too!

My own dh is equally as contributory to the household as your dh and I'd probably do the same - the pressure too of being the only person that the work comes too, you can't tell the kids "take that to your dad he will fix it"

Have you managed to fix any if the broken stuff? Maybe drop in here what's wrong with stuff maybe we can help?

Also his family have been great! Having our kids for sleepovers and days out often whilst I go to the hospital. There’s a lot of them so they’ve spread it all out between them. But they’ve been so amazingly helpful. The only downside is it’s thrown our kids out of routine so they’ve been hellish once they get back home!

Sounds like you have a good'un :) I have ADHD as well and my DH is my absolute rock, he keeps us going.

I would say it's different if you actually are a LP because you have only yourself to rely on so build your life around that. But when I was a LP I was a total mess TBH 😅 looking back I was really badly not coping.

I really hope he gets well soon op and condolences on the loss of your dear dad. I think anyone would struggle in your position especially because you run your own business so can't really take time off work. My husband does the exact same list of chores as your dp, plus cutting the grass, which I'd never do. He's fantastic

Hope he’s home and recovered asap OP. Sounds like you’ve had a really hard time and I’m so sorry about your dad 💐

Cutting the grass is another one! It was totally overgrown until my in laws came around and tamed the whole garden for us.

3 year old has just got out of bed and said “well, that was really hard work I did in bed last night” after being up ALL night crying about a silly rubber frog toy that she’d snapped the finger off of 🙃 I wish drinking at 9am wasn’t frowned upon.

Your OH sounds great (also sorry for your loss) & just remember you are also worrying & fitting in hospital visits. The other thing to realise is that this is not your 'normal' so it is harder & different.
As an only parent (widow) it is relentless as there is no-one to bounce off, all decisions are down to you & yes it can be very difficult, but it is what it is & sometimes things don't get done but I just get up again the next morning & hope that by the time I go to bed my 'to do list' will be smaller

I hope that your lovely DH is home soon and many condolences for the loss of your DDad.

can you put on here what’s wrong with the devices? There’s lots of knowledgable women here. In case of the iPad could you reset the factory settings? And check the storage first.

I was widowed suddenly whilst we were on holiday and Suddenly becoming a lone parent was a huge adjustment. However, my DP was nothing like yours and in my case life became a lot easier in many respects , although the grief was à difficult time.

In terms of housework and tasks, can you do the bare minimum? And your lovely in-laws seem very helpful. I had no help from family at all, other than two visits and a supermarket delivery on our return. Make the most of the wonderful supportive people you have, they will get you through this.

Sending healing vibes for mrtonight .

Not wanting to be a dick, but what are your usual jobs around the house 😀

I'd hang onto that man

I know exactly how you feel as my DH was admitted suddenly for 2 weeks a month or so ago and I was knackered with all the extras.
I just didn't realise all the little things like someone else taking the dog out or grabing some bits for the shop on the way home from work etc

I think what makes it harder is that you are also running back and forth to the hospital which takes up so much time.

I ended up just letting the house go a little and caught up when I could..no point knackering myself up too.

I'd been a single parent for years before I met DH but I have to say that It was a stark reminder of how hard it is.

Hope he is on the mend and home soon

My husband was in hospital when my baby was six weeks old. I was very worried and couldn't really visit him as baby not allowed and was breastfeeding so had a bout a two hour window to drop him with someone and rush over and back (refused bottle).
Anyway i didn't sweat the small stuff. If sheets didn't get changed that week so what.
I lost my husband suddenly when our kids were four and six. You cope because you have to. It was extremely hard. But here I am with a happy 18 year old about to start her journey into higher education and a strapping 20 year old who lives on his own and works hard.
Take it one day at a time, rope the kids in to help out with a few things, and don't worry if a couple things get missed.

Deepest condolences to both widows, I couldn’t imagine. You both sound incredibly brave and strong.

With what’s happened to the devices. The TV is just frozen on the welcome screen. Can’t move past it at all it will only turn on and off making it impossible to try and reset etc.

the iPad was broken by my mum 2 days ago while my daughter was with her. Mum claims she sat on it while it was under a pillow 🙄 but it has blatantly been ran over. It’s literally bent in half and shattered. I’m assuming she’s left it on the roof of the car whilst strapping her in and drove off. Mums a whole other story!

parking sensors I’ve no idea I just keep getting alerts on my car and it looks as if one of them has been pulled out and stolen (I wish I was joking but there are bare wires hanging down and no sensors there).

the laptop is just charging on and off. And our internet (along with next doors) is down on a poor connection apparently due to next door but one’s new extension.

You adapt and find what works because you have to. DH used to work away alot and i actually quite liked it. He is very hands on with the DC and with housework etc (as he should be) but it doesn't mean when he was away I was incapable of balancing it, just took more organisation, prep and learning what is important and what can wait. Working full time alongside it was challenging but not impossible, and I'm pretty lazy so not claiming to being mary Poppins.

Sorry cross posted, deepest condolences to you too. When the unimaginable happens I suppose you’ve just carried on because you’ve had to like you say. You’re incredibly strong!

I will say though it's good to know some basic DIY and troubleshooting!

We do it because we have no choice and have become used to it. Of course it will be a shock when you are used to having such a helpful partner. Just do the basics as leave the rest. I hope he's better soon

Try turning the TV off at the mains socket if you haven't already. Wait 30 seconds and switch back on.

You beat me to it!

With the charger, check the lead into the box thing is actually in properly, try a different socket, wiggle the cable around (if it charges in some positions then stops then it may well be a cable issue) BUT also blow in the charging socket as it may just be dusty / dirty

For the poster that asked my “jobs” include making sure we’re all fed 3 times a day (except for packed lunches as he does those when kids are at school), doing all the life admin, daily and weekly shopping, most of the cleaning, running businesses, organising our weekend plans, my half of the school runs, weekly deep clean, getting kids dressed and hair done (mixed race with super curly hair so he can’t manage lol). We just work as a team I suppose.

For example he mostly does bath and bed whilst I’m cooking our dinner and setting us up for the evening having already made dinner for our kids. Neither of us exclusively do this or that it’s just so happened that certain things have become each of our domain. Everything else we do together!

I’ve tried all the plugging and unplugging! 😩 it just won’t budge. It’s about 7 years old so I’m not actually sure how long TVs last? I’ve always insisted we don’t have them in bedrooms too so we only have the one in the lounge. Kicking myself for that currently!