How the fucking FUCK do people do it?

[Tonightsthenight91]

Just how?! My DP has been in hospital for the last 2 weeks and my home life feels like it’s falling apart. I can’t believe how much I actually depend on him and how fucking excruciatingly hard it is to do everything on your own. HOW THE FUCK DO LONE PARENTS DO IT????

Silver lining is my appreciation for him has gone off the charts, I knew I always had a good one with him but it used to piss me off when people would say “oh isn’t he brilliant doing xyz chores and doing xyz with the kids” and my thoughts would be “well he’s an adult and a dad, so he should”. But christ.

Since he has been admitted our tv has broke (something he’d probably be able to fix in 10 minutes), hoover has broke (same again), parking sensors on my car have packed in, kids ipad has broke, laptop won’t charge. Genuinely can’t believe the bad luck, but all of those things he’d be able to fix.

Thats not to mention the chores that were “his job” that I can’t stand doing and I’m finding shockingly time consuming on top of everything else. Such as feeding pets, taking bins out, loading and unloading dishwasher, laundry loads, filling the cars up with petrol, vacuuming, making the beds, changing the bedding (worst of all!) and bathroom cleaning. All of those things are sort of “his jobs” and whilst I know they are day to day tasks, they just feel like so much effort in between running my businesses and looking after our kids!

As far as our kids are concerned I have complete and utter freedom if I want to go somewhere child free alls I have to do is let him know, be it the supermarket or a bloody last minute week long holiday with my friends it’s never an issue. And he somehow manages every chore, parents to perfection and has super fun days out, cooks and keeps the house spotless while I’m gone?!

I suppose I’m just venting really because I’m on my knees with worry about him, work stress, 2 considerable renovation projects, taking the financial hit of having to much time off work, plus all of this unfolding in the 6 weeks bloody holidays! Not to drip feed but I do have ADHD I’m wondering if that’s why I’m feeling overwhelmed. But my god I love him I need him and I want him home PRONTO 😂

And breathe.

I don’t know I’m on my own with 4 children and considering getting back with my ex because life is too hard on my own!

The single mums who find it easier tend to be those with useless or abusive exes ime

I was looking for Mumsnet and I came across this thread by mistake.

I think this is less about what your DH usually does and how you're missing that, as about the stress of having him in hospital and visiting him around everything else you're doing on your own, working too.

I also lost my dad a few months ago. I work FT so visited the hospital every day after work for 5 weeks and honestly that was stressful enough, and that was with coming home afterwards to a meal cooked for me by my DH. The house wasn't pristine but passable during that time, there was a build up of ironing etc. I don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't been feeding us every day.

You're doing what you can, this is nothing to do with being a lone parent or not. You've got a husband in hospital, that's a stressful enough position to be in.

As someone else said, your "norm" is with him there. Your routines are set up to include him, so when he's not there the routines go out the window. If he worked away or did very long hours then you'd also have those routines set up, and you'd manage perfectly well without him there, for the most part, until something broke down eg you and the kids both get sick at the same time. I know cos I've been there when mine were very little. I used to find things became more disorganised when he came home and tried to help because it got us all out of our usual routine!

So give yourself a break, this hospital thing isn't a normal situation.

We do it because we have no other choice.

Exactly. And it’s easier because we don’t waste time worrying about who’s doing what or getting resentful about the mental load.

@Tonightsthenight91 you might just need to reset your TV. We have a Sony TV, and every now and again it gets slower and slower to change channels and the screen freezes. I press and continue holding the power button on the remote control for about 5 seconds or more until the TV restarts (a message shutting down will appear). It takes a while to restart, but then it is fine.

Re your laptop not charging. My laptop connection is a bit dodgy, but I have to jiggle it about a bit until the recharge light goes on. Sometimes I have to weigh the cable down to keep it in place.

I hope your husband gets well soon

I'm a lone parent and I manage by having lower expectations of myself than I would if I had a healthy, motivated, reliable co-parent. I chose to work p/t, I let the mess build up a bit, sometimes I forget to put the bins out or I run out of milk. We get by.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad 50?! Heartbreaking!
I hope your husband recovers quickly and is home with you soon. You sound like a wonderful team

We do it because there is no alternative. We look after the kids, keep the house together and earn a living. Yet society points the finger at us and calls us lazy, irresponsible, tells us we should work more, do more etc. Include additional needs with the kids and it becomes apparent why many lone parents really struggle and become very isolated and low trying to juggle everything. And once again society says tough, shouldn't have had children if you can't cope. Hope things are soon back to normal for you.

I am a single parent

and I sure as heck don’t feel that society judges me in this way

I was going to say: your OH sounds great but having a partner is only supportive if they are a supportive partner.

I’ve been a single parent for nearly nine years after four years of marriage and it’s far easier than parenting with a dead weight partner.

How do you adjust to living together after living apart? (In a similar situation)

I was wondering exactly the same thing 😅

If you’re also wondering, it might be worth your reading the OPs updates and then you’d know!

🤷‍♀️

Sorry to heat about the death of your father AND that your husband is in hospital.

I'm a lone parent with ADHD; my twins, aged 5 (who have Autism etc referrals in) certainly make for interesting parenting. I've done everything for the three of us since they were 4 months old, with sod all support/help, so I'm almost too self-reliant. Anything that needs fixing, I do it. I've taught myself everything via YouTube tutorials etc.

How do we do it? Because we have to.

Your DH sounds like a gem. I've been single and celibate for 5 years and because I attract walking/talking Red Flags, I have zero intention of dating for...the next century or so!

Yes its your adhd thats making it so hard. I have adhd and when my husband moved out 3 years ago the house just fell apart. It made me see how bad my adhd is and how much i had used him as a crutch/for masking. It was the catalyst for me sorting it out and taking the meds etc. Are you treated?
As for practical helo - i have none and i live in chaos 😂