How the fucking FUCK do people do it?

[Tonightsthenight91]

Just how?! My DP has been in hospital for the last 2 weeks and my home life feels like it’s falling apart. I can’t believe how much I actually depend on him and how fucking excruciatingly hard it is to do everything on your own. HOW THE FUCK DO LONE PARENTS DO IT????

Silver lining is my appreciation for him has gone off the charts, I knew I always had a good one with him but it used to piss me off when people would say “oh isn’t he brilliant doing xyz chores and doing xyz with the kids” and my thoughts would be “well he’s an adult and a dad, so he should”. But christ.

Since he has been admitted our tv has broke (something he’d probably be able to fix in 10 minutes), hoover has broke (same again), parking sensors on my car have packed in, kids ipad has broke, laptop won’t charge. Genuinely can’t believe the bad luck, but all of those things he’d be able to fix.

Thats not to mention the chores that were “his job” that I can’t stand doing and I’m finding shockingly time consuming on top of everything else. Such as feeding pets, taking bins out, loading and unloading dishwasher, laundry loads, filling the cars up with petrol, vacuuming, making the beds, changing the bedding (worst of all!) and bathroom cleaning. All of those things are sort of “his jobs” and whilst I know they are day to day tasks, they just feel like so much effort in between running my businesses and looking after our kids!

As far as our kids are concerned I have complete and utter freedom if I want to go somewhere child free alls I have to do is let him know, be it the supermarket or a bloody last minute week long holiday with my friends it’s never an issue. And he somehow manages every chore, parents to perfection and has super fun days out, cooks and keeps the house spotless while I’m gone?!

I suppose I’m just venting really because I’m on my knees with worry about him, work stress, 2 considerable renovation projects, taking the financial hit of having to much time off work, plus all of this unfolding in the 6 weeks bloody holidays! Not to drip feed but I do have ADHD I’m wondering if that’s why I’m feeling overwhelmed. But my god I love him I need him and I want him home PRONTO 😂

And breathe.

Deep breath. Hoover might be fixable. Take all bits apart, often it's just a blockage somewhere that stops it from working. Have you changed the filter/ bag/ emptied it?

Kids - easy feeds. Can you buy in some finger food type stuff that just needs putting in the oven? Or pizza bases and the kids can help put toppings on? Or just a simple pasta/ veg bake that you can ignore in the oven for a bit?

Get them involved in tidying where you can - even a 3 year old can put their own stuff away; it doesn't have to be perfect. How old are any others?

Do what you can together, even if it takes forever at first. And insist on you-time, that is, alone, by yourself, early morning or late evening (whichever works best for you). You need that to recharge.

Prioritise - what really needs sorting right now? Some days it might be dirty dishes, other times the bathroom, other times the kids. Accept that you can't be everything to everyone all the time. It sounds like you have some family help, so utilise that, too.

From a long-term single mother who does it all.

I’m guessing he is in hospital with complete exhaustion and relishing the break!

Oh I feel you, my DH has been ill for a few weeks and mainly stuck in bed thankfully rather than hospital but things are looking pretty neglected! Good teamwork is wonderful and you don't realise until its not there!

I do struggle to work FT, be a lone parent and do everything else myself.
I’m also autistic and have ADHD.

Tbh you just learn to cope and my home probably isn’t anywhere near as clean as yours.

You do have a lot of stress right now and you’re simply not used to being alone.

Allow some things to slide.
It doesn’t matter if the kids eat freezer food most days, it doesn’t matter if the house isn’t spotless or if you’re not going out on expensive day trips with the kids.

What the hell is wrong with the people who are asking OP what she does? Her DH's list of tasks clearly doesn't encompass all the work of a household. Also, now is not the time to berate someone who is tired and stressed (and grieving), just because she doesn't fix things like you clever people.

Hope he'll be home soon, OP.

Honestly OP we have no choice but to make it work 😩

I have been a single parent for 8 years, I’m ADHD with no help from ex or family. I work full time in a senior, demanding job and I have a small business.

my life is chaotic, I feel like I’m always chasing my tail, I’m never living in the moment, always behind on something or running late… one day at a time is basically how I live my life. I just keep thinking when the kids are all grown up it will be better (possibly deluding myself at this point).

ps, hope your DH gets better soon.

I'm the same as this poster and have done it alone for 10 years. Both kids ND and me. It's a big struggle sometimes but I've had all that time to adjust and work out my way and it's absolutely doable although painfully hard sometimes.

For you though- You've had a big loss with your dad, shock with you DH going into hospital and suddenly you've got to work it all out. It will be hard and that's okay. Be kind to yourself.

Get the family to help you with the broken things and make sure you get some downtime however small - 10 mins in garden or 5mins with cup of tea.

Hope your dh gets better and comes home soon, op.

Mine sounds very similar to yours and I'm really dependent on him - but he is on me too. I reckon if you were ill in hospital your dh would be feeling the same!

Fwiw neither dh nor I can do anything practical beyond turning it off and on again and hoping that fixes it. There's no shame.

In the short term can you get a one-off cleaner to pop in and help get on top of things? Can your lawnmowing in-laws help with fixing the hoover, or can you borrow a neighbour's? Just by asking a neighbour (and explaining about dh) they might offer other help as well, my neighbours are great like that.

When I'm in a situation where dh is away for any reason, I use a combination of calling in favours from everywhere, and failing that, throwing a bit of money at the problem like getting a cleaner or handyman in.

Bloody hell there’s always one or two that need to work on their reading comprehension isn’t there? I do bring a lot to the table 😂

Others, thank you so much for all your lovely replies, I know I’m very lucky and feeling it even more so now. We have 2 children for those that have asked. I truly admire people that manage to do it alone. You must all be super-parents!

thank you for the practical advice I will definitely try and make some sort out game out of chores!

This !

Do you mind me asking why your DH is in hospital? Was it planned or unexpected? If unexpected then you're probably struggling with the shock of him not being there and sudden change in all your well embedded routines. If it was planned then maybe you just needed to be more prepared (pre-ordering shopping/pre-prepping and freezing meals etc).

I'm a single mum as my partner died so I do all the things. However - I prioritise. A weekly deep clean is not a priority. Food, clean clothes, quick vacuums and a good routine are the backbone - everything else (cutting grass) is really not important during this time. Focus on your kids only - their dad is in hospital after all so they must be worried too - hence the crying all night perhaps?

Just do what you need to do and chill out a little. I imagine he'll be convalescing at home for a while too so perhaps start planning that now and gathering the essentials.

dh is away at the moment. I'm feeling a little peeved that apparently it's now my responsibility to do the dishes, fill up the tea caddy and the pet food and sort out the rubbish. I've been planning all my meals to use minimum pots and pans. Todays lunch was leftover pasta from yesterday and cake.

And the less that is said at the bread I made in the bread maker yesterday, the better. It's turned out to be a pale swirly topped monstrosity. Goodness knows what I did with it. Normally fresh bread appears magically in this house.

I feel for you OP. My DH is an equal contributor on most fronts. The only thing he slacks off on is gifts for his family and organising social interaction with them. However I don't ever mow the lawn and I never drag the big bins up and down our awkward path. So it's swings and roundabouts.

We both work 5 and half days a week, sometimes 6. Last week he was playing out all Saturday afternoon and a tiny bit worse for wear on Sunday so I had to do all meal prep and housework alone and I've been buggered all week.

I don't mind one bit, he does the same for me when I'm away for a weekend but goodness it is a LOT for one person. Huge respect to both single parents and those with a non contributing partner (for whatever reason).

Just sending you a gentle hug/fist bump, OP. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Hope your DH is home and recovered soon.

Laptop and TV issue may be connected. When my TV freezes and my laptop stop working I realised it was an issue with the router, but it depends, is it a smart TV?

Unplug your TV. Now press and hold the power button on your remote for 60 seconds. If you don't have a remote you can press the power button on your tv. After 60 seconds plug in and see if its reconnected.

On the whole, such a lovely thread to read.

Your DH sounds like one other man I know (and possibly my father and brother too, to a certain extent). Your relationship/parenting is how it should be really and I’m so sorry he’s in hospital.

I’m a lone parent (ex unfortunate only sees DD two days each year as I’ve mentioned in the past). It is really hard work. I work full-time in a stressful job with lots of responsibility. DD has SN. I do have GREAT parents though and they are really supportive and care about us deeply.

However, because my parents perform a supportive role and try not to interfere too much, everything falls on to me at all times. I bought an Apple Watch so I can be contacted at any time with minimal disruption at work. I can often be seen muttering a reply into it! I think I have been almost totally burnt out for at least a decade yet I DO want to be the person who makes all the decisions- it’s all I know now.

The flip side is that I don’t have to tolerate another child in the form of a man! I am also unwilling to go looking for “one of the good ones”, just in case I bite off more than I can chew. More importantly, I just want my DD to have a pleasant and fulfilling childhood.

The responsibility of being a lone parent has definitely led me to become more senior at work as I am very decisive and confident. It is very likely that I have mild ADD but I have spent my life working at it (not saying it is possible for everyone) and people regularly describe me as a “Monica” in terms of my house/organisation. I probably go too far to overcompensate. Revisit the comment re being burnt out here though!

Hope things improve for your family. Prioritise all the basics for now and make lists of everything- don’t try to hold it all in your head!

Sounds like he does an awful lot. I am a single mum of 5 and its relentless.

Yes @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz but her DH wouldn't be able to fix those things either. It's about recognising what you can have a go at and what needs an expert, it's not difficult!

And if that doesn't work, try resetting it to factory settings. I had to do this with mine the other day, the reset option was in the "settings" menu, which appeared after I'd done the on and off for 60 seconds thing.

Then I had to restore the BTTV box to factory settings as well before anything worked.

Sorry to hear your DH is poorly, OP.

In answer to your question - I suspect the reality is that an awful lot of people simply don't have your level of support in the first place and so they find a way to muddle through and manage without it. They're used to doing it all. You're not, because you've got a great partner, so of course it comes as a shock when suddenly you have to do it all yourself.

Your set up is probably the way it should be done, but it won't be the reality for the majority of families.

I hope DH is better soon.

I have to be honest, I was wondering that too. He seems to do everything.

I was a single parent from the time my son was three. You don’t think twice about doing it all become there’s no alternative and after a few months you can’t remember it being any other way.

I mean, not to be a twat, but a man who pulls his weight isn’t an ‘angel’. He’s a functioning member of a household. But the bar for men is so low that people get carried away.

Anyway, I hope he gets well soon.

For the overwhelming feelings - I make a checklist on my phone of what needs doing - when I’m solo I need to do this for a full week with things against each day to avoid one massive list as that makes me feel much worse. Remember these are challenging circumstances so do remove anything that isn’t essential. Underline anything the kids could help with. Have a movie night or something as a team when you all make it to the end of the week. Delegate anything you can to friends if you can. You can help them in return when things settle down. Don’t worry if you don’t do every single thing on the list, but it will likely help you feel a bit more in control.

What an unhelpful comment!

OP, as others have said, do what you need to, don’t sweat the small stuff!

Can you claim for a new iPad on your insurance?

Keep going, hope DH is home soon.