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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How the fucking FUCK do people do it?

117 replies

Tonightsthenight91 · 13/08/2023 08:54

Just how?! My DP has been in hospital for the last 2 weeks and my home life feels like it’s falling apart. I can’t believe how much I actually depend on him and how fucking excruciatingly hard it is to do everything on your own. HOW THE FUCK DO LONE PARENTS DO IT????

Silver lining is my appreciation for him has gone off the charts, I knew I always had a good one with him but it used to piss me off when people would say “oh isn’t he brilliant doing xyz chores and doing xyz with the kids” and my thoughts would be “well he’s an adult and a dad, so he should”. But christ.

Since he has been admitted our tv has broke (something he’d probably be able to fix in 10 minutes), hoover has broke (same again), parking sensors on my car have packed in, kids ipad has broke, laptop won’t charge. Genuinely can’t believe the bad luck, but all of those things he’d be able to fix.

Thats not to mention the chores that were “his job” that I can’t stand doing and I’m finding shockingly time consuming on top of everything else. Such as feeding pets, taking bins out, loading and unloading dishwasher, laundry loads, filling the cars up with petrol, vacuuming, making the beds, changing the bedding (worst of all!) and bathroom cleaning. All of those things are sort of “his jobs” and whilst I know they are day to day tasks, they just feel like so much effort in between running my businesses and looking after our kids!

As far as our kids are concerned I have complete and utter freedom if I want to go somewhere child free alls I have to do is let him know, be it the supermarket or a bloody last minute week long holiday with my friends it’s never an issue. And he somehow manages every chore, parents to perfection and has super fun days out, cooks and keeps the house spotless while I’m gone?!

I suppose I’m just venting really because I’m on my knees with worry about him, work stress, 2 considerable renovation projects, taking the financial hit of having to much time off work, plus all of this unfolding in the 6 weeks bloody holidays! Not to drip feed but I do have ADHD I’m wondering if that’s why I’m feeling overwhelmed. But my god I love him I need him and I want him home PRONTO 😂

And breathe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 13/08/2023 13:36

It was a very unexpected hospital admission yes. And very triggering because of my dad (Dad was not ill at all, literal sudden death and only 50 years old)

I could cry reading all your kind comments. Thank you, truly.

And yes he does do an awful lot, as do I. We have our own skills and we work as a team. He is an engineer so very capable at fixing these sorts of things so it’s Sod’s Law that this has all happened now he’s in hospital!

OP posts:
BlastedIce · 13/08/2023 13:37

Tonightsthenight91 · 13/08/2023 13:36

It was a very unexpected hospital admission yes. And very triggering because of my dad (Dad was not ill at all, literal sudden death and only 50 years old)

I could cry reading all your kind comments. Thank you, truly.

And yes he does do an awful lot, as do I. We have our own skills and we work as a team. He is an engineer so very capable at fixing these sorts of things so it’s Sod’s Law that this has all happened now he’s in hospital!

You sound a great partnership, so refreshing to hear.

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 13/08/2023 13:38

PS he also gets the luxury of 4 days in work followed by 4 days off for a very very good salary. He is employed so does his 4 days comes home and forgets work for 4 days. Whereas I run businesses so am constantly on the go and don’t really switch off

OP posts:
BlastedIce · 13/08/2023 13:38

Poorlilthing · 13/08/2023 12:37

I’m guessing he is in hospital with complete exhaustion and relishing the break!

Yes, it’s OPs turn next week!

🙄

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 13/08/2023 13:39

BlastedIce · 13/08/2023 13:38

Yes, it’s OPs turn next week!

🙄

Show quote history

😂😂😂!! Thank you. I did laugh at relishing the break 🙄 see my previous post x

OP posts:
MarshaArt · 13/08/2023 13:41

VerticalSausages · 13/08/2023 09:23

Not wanting to be a dick, but what are your usual jobs around the house 😀

If you have to say ‘not wanting to be a dick’ then, well, yeah…

Hope your DH is better soon OP and sorry about your dad. Totally fine to vent about lots of things going wrong, it’s a lot to deal with, and you’re right that your DH sounds lovely too.

MarshaArt · 13/08/2023 13:42

Tonightsthenight91 · 13/08/2023 13:39

😂😂😂!! Thank you. I did laugh at relishing the break 🙄 see my previous post x

Show quote history

🙄 Ignore them.

budgey · 13/08/2023 13:43

It's funny how, when someone posts about their DH not doing enough, everyone is quick to jump on how useless they are and how much emotional labour women tend to do that isn't appreciated and how she should get rid right away.

Then someone posts a list that their DH does that is nowhere near everything required in a household and suddenly it's OP who "doesn't do anything" around the house and now DH must be exhausted.

Which is it? Are we expecting our partners to also do their fair share or are we still expected to do everything ourselves because otherwise we aren't independent enough?

OP ignore the jealous comments. You have a DH who contributes to the household and you sound like a great team.

Look after yourself and prioritise what really needs doing. I'm sure your DH will appreciate your extra appreciation for "his" jobs as well. It's always good to appreciate each other.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/08/2023 13:51

Making the beds is unnecessary. You're supposed to let it breathe anyway,
I never quite get the fuss about taking the bins out. I presume it's people with outside bins taking the bags into the outside bins every day? Because as a flat dweller, the bin bag goes out once a week when it's picked up and that's it.
You could take the bag out a bit less often as long as it doesn't smell or attract flies/vermin.

ILikeDinosaurs · 13/08/2023 13:55

He sounds lovely, is he a stay at home dad? Sounds like a lot of chores, what do you do?

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/08/2023 13:57

Solo windowed parent here. We do it because we have no choice or anyone to lean on. The key is not to get too dependent on anyone. Sad but true.

Twiglets1 · 13/08/2023 14:04

Tonightsthenight91 · 13/08/2023 08:54

Just how?! My DP has been in hospital for the last 2 weeks and my home life feels like it’s falling apart. I can’t believe how much I actually depend on him and how fucking excruciatingly hard it is to do everything on your own. HOW THE FUCK DO LONE PARENTS DO IT????

Silver lining is my appreciation for him has gone off the charts, I knew I always had a good one with him but it used to piss me off when people would say “oh isn’t he brilliant doing xyz chores and doing xyz with the kids” and my thoughts would be “well he’s an adult and a dad, so he should”. But christ.

Since he has been admitted our tv has broke (something he’d probably be able to fix in 10 minutes), hoover has broke (same again), parking sensors on my car have packed in, kids ipad has broke, laptop won’t charge. Genuinely can’t believe the bad luck, but all of those things he’d be able to fix.

Thats not to mention the chores that were “his job” that I can’t stand doing and I’m finding shockingly time consuming on top of everything else. Such as feeding pets, taking bins out, loading and unloading dishwasher, laundry loads, filling the cars up with petrol, vacuuming, making the beds, changing the bedding (worst of all!) and bathroom cleaning. All of those things are sort of “his jobs” and whilst I know they are day to day tasks, they just feel like so much effort in between running my businesses and looking after our kids!

As far as our kids are concerned I have complete and utter freedom if I want to go somewhere child free alls I have to do is let him know, be it the supermarket or a bloody last minute week long holiday with my friends it’s never an issue. And he somehow manages every chore, parents to perfection and has super fun days out, cooks and keeps the house spotless while I’m gone?!

I suppose I’m just venting really because I’m on my knees with worry about him, work stress, 2 considerable renovation projects, taking the financial hit of having to much time off work, plus all of this unfolding in the 6 weeks bloody holidays! Not to drip feed but I do have ADHD I’m wondering if that’s why I’m feeling overwhelmed. But my god I love him I need him and I want him home PRONTO 😂

And breathe.

You've got a good one there. Hope he is out of hospital soon.

I would get the car booked into a garage re the sensors. God knows what is up with the TV but if you have Sky or Virgin or anything like that they may be able to advise?

Duchessofspace · 13/08/2023 14:05

I had of become good at fixing everything and doing everything as I’m on my own.

My ex DH however left a mess everywhere - wound the kids up and then went cycling - never did any chores and never appreciated me - everything was on me - as well as a full time career and all the parenting - so divorcing him my work load was less 👌

AInightingale · 13/08/2023 14:07

Sorry to hear about the bad times you've been having OP.

Have you thought about contacting someone with good recommendations (and certified!) on Yell who is a general handy/electrics/fixit man? I am a single parent (permanently) and I had a load of odd jobs I couldn't do - disconnecting and taking out an old electric fire ,connecting and bolting a new one on, putting up a couple of big curtain rails, fixing dodgy lock on the front door & repairing the letterbox. It cost me about £60 to pay him for 1.5 hours but well spent, I thought. I'd imagine there is probably a tech-y equivalent.

AbsoluteYawns · 13/08/2023 14:18

He sounds amazing OP and you seem very capable. Wishing him better and home with you soon.

AnxiousFairyQueen · 13/08/2023 14:27

It must be really difficult to suddenly be on your own….it’s not just the practical stuff is it? You’ve not got your support person and you’re also worrying about him.

Doing everything alone has destroyed my mental and physical health. I mean not totally but I’ve run out of spoons by about 2pm. It’s the lack of someone sharing the responsibility and the emotional load. I really hope your DH is ok and comes home soon❤️

Widower2014 · 13/08/2023 14:32

I us d to do all the night time feeds, bedtime routines for the kids when they were little, dishwasher and sort/fold/iron washing, polish shoes and wash up when we didn't have an electric dishwasher. Sometimes I was allowed to clean the bathroom/kitchen and occasionally I'd cook so my wife could rest after her hectic day at home. Back then I could work all day, drive upto 4 hrs a day and do what my wife needed me to do and survive on a few hours sleep.

Now, I'm trying to run a house, 2 kids with disabilities at schools at each end of town, fussy eaters and I need 50 hrs sleep a day.... Where did I go wrong

MintJulia · 13/08/2023 14:33

@StressedToDeathhhh has it right. Single parenting is a doddle compared to living with a hopeless man who just made things worse.

I've been a full time working single mum for 13 years but no-one would ever describe my house as spotless. 😄 No-one gets food poisoning, it's not that bad, but hoovering is once a week, bedding changed once every two weeks. Tidying gets done when I find the time.

I'd just prioritise. Focus on the things that are essential - regular meals, clean clothes, clean bathroom, happy children, enough sleep and supplies in the cupboards. Anything else can wait.

I hope he gets better soon.

BlastedIce · 13/08/2023 14:36

ILikeDinosaurs · 13/08/2023 13:55

He sounds lovely, is he a stay at home dad? Sounds like a lot of chores, what do you do?

Have you considered reading the OPs posts before you put your head tilt passive aggressive question on?

Just a thought.

ChrisPPancake · 13/08/2023 14:37

Oh blimey @Tonightsthenight91 that all sounds really difficult Flowers

I hope DP is well enough to come home soon.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2023 14:48

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 13:33

I have to be honest, I was wondering that too. He seems to do everything.

I was a single parent from the time my son was three. You don’t think twice about doing it all become there’s no alternative and after a few months you can’t remember it being any other way.

Show quote history

Something wrong In your life of her DHs list constituents all that needs doing

Rollonsept · 13/08/2023 14:50

Hope your hubby has a speedy recovery.

Also don't take this the wrong way but I find the ones with the most support or have it easier are often not as resilient. You don't miss what you never had OP. Hang on tightly to him agree with others he sounds like a good one!

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2023 14:51

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/08/2023 13:57

Solo windowed parent here. We do it because we have no choice or anyone to lean on. The key is not to get too dependent on anyone. Sad but true.

But the only way to do that would be to not let DP do anything or to do everything twice. What's the point of being married to an equal partner of I don't let myself depend on his income and contribution even if that makes it harder when i lose him?

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2023 14:53

ILikeDinosaurs · 13/08/2023 13:55

He sounds lovely, is he a stay at home dad? Sounds like a lot of chores, what do you do?

The same amount of chores whilst running a business

sadaboutmycat · 13/08/2023 14:58

I just did it all with 4 kids and a full time job. Was permanently exhausted and had no time for myself but have amazing adult kids and a career that I'm proud of.

Hope he gets well soon OP! X