To leave Husband as he gas started smoking

[Endofroadinhs]

Long story short- my Husband gave up smoking about 12 years ago. We discussed at the time that him starting again would be a dealbreaker and would likely result in me ending the marriage.
My Dad died of lung cancer aged 49- it was truly dreadful, he shrunk down to a living skeleton and drowned in his own blood.
Anyhow, I found out he has started smoking again first he was trying to hide it now he is just smoking whenever.
i am literally incandescent with rage that he is setting such an appalling example to our children and possible subject ming them to what I had to witness.
so what do people think, WIBU to divorce him?

Not if it’s a dealbreaker for you

Yanbu . Ltb

You're not unreasonable, and I say that as a smoker. I made it clear to my non-smoking husband before we married that I had no plans to quit.

However - did anything happen to trigger his relapse? If he's going through something difficult, you might want to cut him some slack.

Well if its a deal breaker for you then divorce it is. He is a grown man and what he stupidly puts into his body is his choice!

I certainly would lose whatever attraction I'd had for him. These strong smokers just exude it through all their pores, ugh. Separate bedrooms, pronto.

If its a deal breaker then leave. However your children will still be witness to him smoking and any related illness.

@@sweeneytoddsrazor yes sadly that’s true but at least I’m showing them how serious a matter this is which is all I can do mow to try to protect them (put them off starting)

I’m an ex smoker. I can’t imagine buying cigarettes on a regular basis ever again. Why would anyone start again after 12 years? Maybe one or two at a funeral (and I would wake up regretting it).

YANBU. It’s expensive and dangerous. And smelly.

Your children will be worse off anyway.... access visits and overnights will leave you with no control

This is, unfortunately, true. They are still his children and he is still their father. If smoking is your line in the sand then that’s your choice but it’s not going to stop your children potentially having to deal with the awful effects of smoking on the human body.
Do you know the reason for the relapse? Has he no interest in stopping again despite what he may lose and the impact on his family?

You can end a relationship for any reason at all. I couldn’t be with my partner if he smoked. It stinks and even changing clothes and showering doesn’t get rid of it.

It's not just a disgusting habit it's the fact that he is weak willed that is very odd putting.

Giving it up for years and then starting again, what a twerp.

Not to mention the cost.

What is he develops an illness or disease because of smoking? Are you expected to be his cared?

I would not tolerate this and understand how angry you are.

Oh and there's fag breath and the stink of clothes and the car etc etc

Yuck.

MN is very anti smoking so I'm not sure you're going to get a balanced view here.

It doesn't sound reasonable to me. Tbh, I don't find your story entirely credible because it seems like such an overreaction. But I guess you can leave a relationship for any reason you want.

Maybe he could start vaping instead? But that would be his decision.

@TheGirlFromTomorrow if I was making up a thread I assure you it would be much more interesting

I think there's a few things to consider before leaving. Firstly, why has he started again. Something has led to him making that choice and feeling like he needed to rely on an old crutch so I'd want to get to the bottom of what that is.

I'd also want to know if he wants to quit again and if he's prepared to take steps to do that given the huge negative impact it could have on his family if he continues. If he is serious about quitting I'd give him a time frame, I'd want to see him actively trying to make it happen and I'd set very clear boundaries about where he can smoke and it would not be in or near the home or around the children. For me second hand smoke would also not be tolerated so he'd need to come in and get changed etc before greeting the kids.

I would be really clear with him how upset you are and how triggering this is for you given all you had to go through in the past and I'd be clear that it's a deal breaker for you that would be serious enough for you to consider leaving. How seriously he then takes it is up to him and you may act accordingly.

I would say that if you separate and the kids still see him then they'll still be witnessing him smoking etc and probably with less boundaries in place. Plus the challenges that go with (presumably otherwise happy?) parents separating. The only difference will be that you don't need to be around him.

I think it depends a lot on how happy you are/ were outside of this and before he started smoking. If there's other issues at play then those would also need addressed.

Lots of cancers are caused by lifestyle choices … have you cut out everything else that might lead to cancer ? Smoking is a horrible habit, both my parents were almost chain smokers when I was little, I never stated. A smoking parent does not lead to a smoking child.

Is he not role-modelling any good behaviours?

I don’t have anything against smokers really, their body, their choice. In our parents generation it was normal and was even allowed in government buildings and hospitals. However, you’ve stated it’s a dealbreaker for you, and youve every right to keep that boundary. You don’t have to live with a smoker if you don’t want to. Nicotine addiction is a funny thing though, it’s not really a lifestyle ruiner like alcohol or heroine, it’s very, very chemically addictive but it doesn’t make people behave differently or commit crimes. With this in mind, I’d be more inclined to try and push a bit harder to get him to stop. If he’s otherwise a good husband and he’s just a smoker I think you’re in with a good chance. There’ll be a reason for it, he’s stressed most likely. Psychology can be useful in these situations, how confident are you playing a few games with this? I know someone who got their husband off the fags by complaining about the smell and getting the kids to ‘feel sorry’ for smokers by saying that it was sad they were making themselves poorly and were missing out on things because of it. In the end, he felt embarrassed by the habit and went covert for a bit before finding trips to the shed In The pissing rain were more hassle than they were worth so he just stopped. Also there’s medication which help kill the cravings. Ultimately he gets to choose though, if he loves his family more he’ll stop. I gave up class A drugs for my kids with zero support at 18 years old , so I’m on the side of
‘if you want to do it you can’ it’s about wanting to, that’ll be telling.

I would find it extremely weird (outside mumsnet) to put your kids through a divorce because he has started smoking.
I understand you don't like it
I understand its a bad example
But I think you are overreacting,

I find it very strange given you feel this strongly that you chose to marry an ex smoker. Would you marry an ex alcoholic or ex heroin addict? A lot of addicts (of any substance) can easily fall back into it.

You divorcing their dad won't put them off smoking if they're determined to try it with their mates.

Having said that, smoking tobacco is really quite outlawed amongst the younger generation, as they favour vapes even if they start on the ever popular weed, it's still normally in vape form now.

Smoking is disgusting and if you want to divorce him over it that's your prerogative, just as it would be if he deliberately did anything else to harm his health.

As a PP said, as long as you're keeping yourself to a healthy weight and not doing anything to yourself that's likely to cause anything life threatening, your kids won't see you as a hypocrite.

You make it sound as if there are any positives to smoking?

Nothing unreasonable about this post. She made her stance clear years ago. Do you think it's ok for children to be taught smoking is ok? Because if daddy does it, why would they they think otherwise?

I know what ( in his mind) has triggered this, we have been through a really stressful experience earlier this year which is blaming it on.
its just an excise though isn’t it, I wld love to escape my reality through substances sometimes, but I am a Mother and would not do something like that which would harm my kids.

Smoking is absolutely vile.

But for you to leap to divorcing him, it's pretty clear you have other problems in your marriage.

Unless you're going to give him an empty ultimatum, in which case you need to be careful he doesn't decide he wants a divorce too.

What has caused him to start again? Investigate that first, before doing anything drastic. Addictions never really go away, and something has triggered it again.