To leave Husband as he gas started smoking

[Endofroadinhs]

Long story short- my Husband gave up smoking about 12 years ago. We discussed at the time that him starting again would be a dealbreaker and would likely result in me ending the marriage.
My Dad died of lung cancer aged 49- it was truly dreadful, he shrunk down to a living skeleton and drowned in his own blood.
Anyhow, I found out he has started smoking again first he was trying to hide it now he is just smoking whenever.
i am literally incandescent with rage that he is setting such an appalling example to our children and possible subject ming them to what I had to witness.
so what do people think, WIBU to divorce him?

Smoking is an antisocial habit but if by your own admission this latest episode has been triggered by stress I'd be looking at supporting him to give up again rather than threatening divorce. Unless there are other factors which you haven't disclosed?

‘MN is very anti smoking so I'm not sure you're going to get a balanced view here.’

I would say that’s one ‘unbalanced’ view that MN has got right!

Gosh. I take it this is a bit of a functional marriage rather than one where you’re actually in love with your partner? Perfectly fine to have boundaries and so on, but this is a pretty major over-reaction to him doing something stupid, but ultimately fixable.

If he were an alcoholic who turns violent with and and took up booze again, that would be different. Smoking is not something that changes your behaviour, and the health impacts usually take time so if he quits again soon then he’ll probably be ok. He’s stupid for going back on it, but I just cannot imagine how you could leave him for this alone, unless it’s part of a wider problem set.

There is absolutely 0 chance OP would be able to use smoking to deny contact.

Tbh for me it wouldn’t matter whether I loved him. I would no longer be physically attracted to him, and that would spell the ultimate end of the marriage anyway.

Do you still love him, or not? I think that's the question you need to ask yourself.

Loving someone is hard sometimes - it involves supporting them through difficult times, even when they aren't necessarily behaving as we would want them to.

If you don't love him, please set him free to find someone who does. I have (currently successfully) battled a number of addictive behaviours, like many of us do in one way or another, including smoking, and I know that being in a relationship with someone who didn't love me, or who I felt tried to control my choices, would be the sort of situation very likely to trigger a relapse......

I agree it's overall better for kids if their parents don't smoke, but it doesn't necessarily mean they will get the message that smoking is fine. My daughter has two parents who have at times smoked while she has been alive. Even while smoking we spoke to her about what a terrible choice it is, and she has always been violently anti smoking (doesn't even approve of vaping) so I'd be amazed if she ever takes up cigarette smoking. I do accept that research indicates smokers' kids are more likely to smoke, but you can counteract this to some extent through conversation I believe. How old are your kids? Do they already have a view on smoking?

Smoking is an absolute deal breaker for me. The smell makes me feel ill. People who smoke generally seem to have zero understanding of how much it makes them smell. Not just their clothes but their breath and as a pp said, it seems to come out of their pores. An you at least get him to change to vaping? Not much better, but a step in the right direction maybe.

my ex would secretly smoke on and off over the 10 years we were together, he knew it was a deal breaker and would stop each time he was found out. Eventually I stopped caring, and that helped me realise the marriage was over. Would he at least switch to vaping if it’s a short term stress thing, if not then he can’t care enough about you and your family

TheGirlFromTomorrow · Yesterday 23:55
MN is very anti smoking so I'm not sure you're going to get a balanced view here”

There isn’t a “balanced” view. Smoking is awful.

Yanbu dealbreaker for me

What would give me the ick as much as anything is the fact he's restarted after 12 years. How clueless is that! With all the health warning out there nowadays, the increased burden people like him knowingly place on the health service, on family and the harm to self, he's a selfish knucklehead. Not least of all the waste of money - it's biblically expensive so he's taking good money out of the family budget to kill himself prematurely.

as you can tell, @Endofroadinhs Im 100% on your side on this one. I've lost so many people to diseases from smoking, I cannot contemplate finding any excuse to explain that selfish behaviour. And they stink to high heaven!

My ex died of lung cancer at the age of 42, as did my friend's grandmother (also quite young) - neither of them smoked a day in their lives 🤷‍♀️

@TheGirlFromTomorrow How do you have a 'balanced' view on smoking? It isn't unreasonable not to be around smoking. I say this, AS A SMOKER myself, who is not in denial and is fully aware of what I'm doing.

Would you say there is a 'balanced view' on heroin?

Get him onto vapes.

This is what I was thinking. Can you stop contact if a parent is smoking near them.

Doing nothing and just putting up with it I think is probably not what you should do, as it makes you someone who makes what are little more than idle threats.

Setting a deadline perhaps, if you would be OK with vaping then say so, or else you should be starting divorce proceedings. Though if you set a deadline then it must 100% be stuck to, as otherwise it becomes a second idle threat.

My DM died of lung cancer so I get your fury. If it’s a dealbreaker then you need to give him an ultimatum- stop it or you leave. Would he be open to quitting do you think?

Absolutely batshit advice. No court would put a condition like this on a contact order.

It’s to protect the kids health. Secondhand and third hand smoke can cause cancer and cause other illness. I suppose you support smoking to say protecting kids is batshit advice. I’m against smoking because of the damage to health. Ask your doctor for information about the health problems of smoking.

Yeah I agree. OP could use hereditary in her argument because their grandfather died of lung cancer. I'm not sure it would work, but it's worth a try.

i imagine its not really just about the smoking for OP.

Its not just a ‘smoking smells and is unhealthy’ stance.

I imagine it’s because of the trauma and grief OP went through with her Father’s death and the fact that OP is experiencing her H’s smoking as him being willing to put her and her children through all of that trauma and grief too.

I imagine she sees it as an act of callous uncaring, or even cruelty. As well as being dismissive of the pain she experienced over her father. I think she is interpreting his smoking as a profound act of breaking connection with her and their children.

Would you stay with him but for this?

I would utterly hate it if my husband started smoking, but I would think long and hard about submitting my children to all the stress of a divorce if that were the only issue between us.

Sorry, but if you were to tell me that this was otherwise a perfectly happy marriage, I wouldn't buy it.

If you're considering leaving that's totally up to you. It sounds like there's more to it than the smoking though. Do you still love him? Is he an equal partner?

Well you told him you would, so it wouldn't be unreasonable towards him.
However, you and he are not in a vacuum are you? You are married with shared commitments and two children. So really your decision needs to involve a fairly detailed cost benefit analysis.
First get past your anger that he has chosen to flout your rules, then consider rationally whether life with a smoker would be worse than what your life snd your children's lives would look like after divorce.
There may be some harm limitations that can be put in place, never smoking at home or around DC, full shower before being near you and DC etc. But only you can decide if that would be enough to offset your worry, revulsion and the cost implications.