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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave Husband as he gas started smoking

118 replies

Endofroadinhs · 12/08/2023 23:38

Long story short- my Husband gave up smoking about 12 years ago. We discussed at the time that him starting again would be a dealbreaker and would likely result in me ending the marriage.
My Dad died of lung cancer aged 49- it was truly dreadful, he shrunk down to a living skeleton and drowned in his own blood.
Anyhow, I found out he has started smoking again first he was trying to hide it now he is just smoking whenever.
i am literally incandescent with rage that he is setting such an appalling example to our children and possible subject ming them to what I had to witness.
so what do people think, WIBU to divorce him?

OP posts:
YabbaDabbaDooooo · 13/08/2023 00:56

But also look at your motivations and what you stand to lose.

This is the thing isn't it, what exactly is your motivation OP?

Because it would be cowardly and wrong to divorce him because 'smoking', and use that as a convenient 'reason' for your children, instead of telling them mummy and daddy had problems in their relationship and it just didn't work out.

They would probably resent you both less for turning their lives upside down, if there was more honesty.

dancingdaisies · 13/08/2023 00:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Iouise · 13/08/2023 01:37

I've never heard of anyone ever getting divorced because someone smokes. To me it seems OTT, but each to their own on what's a deal breaker for you. My DH is an ex smoker and as much as I wouldn't like it I'd never end my marriage over it.

caringcarer · 13/08/2023 02:08

I think it's very odd he would suddenly start smoking again after 12 years. Are you absolutely sure he did stop? Or could he have been sneakily smoking all the way through until you found out? I couldn't be married to a smoker. My DH knows if he were to be a smoker we'd be over, luckily he feels the same way. I just couldn't kiss or snog a smoker. I'd feel sick.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/08/2023 02:09

This is really hard OP, and I for one TOTALLY get you! My DH has always smoked, and it's always worried me, as like you, I watched my DF die of lung cancer. I really don't understand why I ever let myself get involved with a smoker, but the chemistry between us was there, and of course I always hoped that he would quit. He managed it for 3 months once, but then we had a very stressful period in our lives, and he started again. A couple of years ago, he was told by a Consultant that if he didn't stop smoking completely, he was likely to end up having to have his legs amputated, because the smoking had started impeding his circulation, but although he tried cutting back, even that hasn't been enough to frighten him into stopping. I've thought of leaving him so many times over the years, because I can't bear the thought of watching him suffer such a death, but when it comes down to it, I love him too much to do it, so I guess I've made a stupid choice too, in as much as I've allowed the relationship to continue, even knowing the likely end result. On the other hand, my MIL in my first marriage, died of cancer, and she never smoked even one cigarette, so I guess I could have chosen not to get involved with a smoker in the first place, or to have left him at some point when it became clear he was unlikely to ever quit, but then I would have lost out on all the very happy years we've spent together. I'm afraid I don't have any solutions for you OP, but if the marriage is otherwise happy, do you really want to leave him when there's an equally good chance that he won't die of cancer at all??

Georgeandzippyzoo · 13/08/2023 02:13

Both my dm and df were heavy smokers when we were kids in the 70/80s. My df did stop and he hated the fact that my dm wouldn't even try. However after about 8yrs he started again after he witnessed and had to deal with a colleague who had an horrific accident at work. After the colleague was taken to hospital those who'd been present had a hot drink and...a cigarette to calm their nerves and df was hooked again BUT after less than a year he did stop again and remained a non smoker for 20+yrs.

If you KNOW there has been a traumatic event /time then I think you could work with him, support him in other ways , and accept it has been a trigger , its not just an excuse and see how/if he feels he can get back to where he was.

Ponderingwindow · 13/08/2023 02:32

Instant divorce for me.

our child has difficult to control asthma. He would have to fight me in court for child access.

Johnisafckface · 13/08/2023 02:36

It’s a deal breaker for me.

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 02:37

I loathe smoking more than anything but if he doesn't do it around me it is not my problem, sure divorce him for it but then people say 'my husband doesn't put the milk back in the fridge' and others are 'omg why do you put up with it you must leave, I would not put up with divorce him now' or other small issues

So it's all relative really, if you want to divorce him over it go for it

hazeleyednerd · 13/08/2023 02:57

Endofroadinhs · 13/08/2023 00:16

I know what ( in his mind) has triggered this, we have been through a really stressful experience earlier this year which is blaming it on.
its just an excise though isn’t it, I wld love to escape my reality through substances sometimes, but I am a Mother and would not do something like that which would harm my kids.

Honestly? I'd be heading towards divorce simply because he knows exactly how much of a deal breaker this was for you.

I have been married to a similar smoker and I can tell you that he's probably smoked and hidden it from you before, and even if he quits again, he'll start up again. He'll use stress and other such things as excuses for why, but he'll do it.
He knows how much this means to you, that's why he hid it at first. He no longer hides, he's doing it blatantly and he's showing you that he doesn't care about the distress he is causing. He also knows that you have told him its a deal breaker and that if he did it the marriage would likely end. And he is doing it right in front of you. There are countless other ways to deal with stress, he however has chosen this. And yes, this is a choice.

You need to do what's right for you, and the kids. And if that means leaving (or better, throwing him out), then that's what you do.

theGooHasGone · 13/08/2023 02:59

I totally agree, absolute deal breaker for me too.

Thehippowife · 13/08/2023 03:33

Going against the grain here, but shouldn’t your dh have the right to choose what he does ?
if he said to you eating chocolate was a deal breaker, would you give up?
I hate smoking and everything that goes with it. But I also don’t like controlling people, whose own life experiences make them try to shape the lives of others.
if it’s a deal breaker then by all means move on, but I think you are being unfair personally. He is doing what he wants with his own body, you don’t have to agree with that, but it should be his choice.

NotMyDayJob · 13/08/2023 03:40

I would leave DH if he started smoking. My DM smoked for some years and it was so embarrassing living in a smelly smokey house. And also because it is simply vile and disgusting.

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 03:43

Thehippowife · 13/08/2023 03:33

Going against the grain here, but shouldn’t your dh have the right to choose what he does ?
if he said to you eating chocolate was a deal breaker, would you give up?
I hate smoking and everything that goes with it. But I also don’t like controlling people, whose own life experiences make them try to shape the lives of others.
if it’s a deal breaker then by all means move on, but I think you are being unfair personally. He is doing what he wants with his own body, you don’t have to agree with that, but it should be his choice.

I have learnt when a man makes comments to a women it is red flagged and controlling when a women does it to a man it is concern and he needs to obey her to relieve her anxiety or some other double standard

Threenow · 13/08/2023 03:56

I have never heard anything so ridiculous in all my 64 years! If him taking up smoking again is the only reason you are heading for divorce then that is pathetic - however, he will be much better off without you. YABVVU.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 13/08/2023 03:58

@Thehippowife He can choose what he does, he can of course continue smoking. But OP can choose to end the relationship. We don’t have to be ok with and accept things we don’t like. Smoking impacts partners. The smell, the cost and in this case OP has previous experience which potentially makes this a dealbreaker for her.

if he said to you eating chocolate was a deal breaker, would you give up?

Unless she’s eating huge amounts that are impacting her health, he has some terrible experience with chocolate killing his parent, it’s costing a lot of money and chocolate starts making her smell unpleasant, it’s not really the same imo. But yes, if it was a dealbreaker for him, she’d have to choose what was more important.

It’s not controlling, he does have a choice.

Threenow · 13/08/2023 03:58

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 03:43

I have learnt when a man makes comments to a women it is red flagged and controlling when a women does it to a man it is concern and he needs to obey her to relieve her anxiety or some other double standard

Show quote history

Exactly this. The thing I hate most on MN is the separate "rules" for men and women.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 13/08/2023 04:02

Exactly this. The thing I hate most on MN is the separate "rules" for men and women.

I’d say the same if OP was a man who was thinking of ending his relationship. Anyone can end a relationship for any reason at all. Everyone can have their own boundaries, even if they may seem unreasonable to others.

Postura · 13/08/2023 04:03

My mum caught me in my bedroom once with a ciggy. I was about 18.
She was furious and shouted ' decent women don't smoke!'

I left home for uni and smoked until my early 30s.
Gave up and went on to vape. I still vape though.
I actually hate the smell of tobacco now. It grosses me out but I understand addiction is addiction and I'm nobody to lecture anyone on the matter.

It's a horrid habit and awful for health as you well know from your poor dad but I don't know if it's worth breaking up a marriage over.

Can't you buy him a vape?
Not a poncy pen one a proper tank. It'll take a while to get used to it but it might save the marriage.

Fraaahnces · 13/08/2023 04:27

You know when a woman comes in here and says that her DH isn’t attracted to her anymore because she’s twice the woman she was when she met him, everyone piles in and addresses the aesthetic points but nobody mentions that he might be resenting the very real likelihood of looking after her when she inevitably becomes ill from obesity-related diseases that she could have prevented by being accountable for her own physical and mental health.
This is the same thing, but it also has a secondhand risk to OP and the kids. His disregard for her statement at the beginning of the relationship that this would be a deal maker for her is supremely arrogant. Who does he expect will look after him if he gets sick as a result?
Taking up smoking in a rapidly-increasing cost of living environment is financially foolhardy as well. Taking up smoking was an incredibly selfish thing to do. He is asserting that his right to smoke is more important than OP’s trauma following her father’s death, personal feelings, family health and finances and fresh bloody air.
OP, it’s time he moved out into his own place where he can smoke himself into oblivion.

Newnamehiwhodis · 13/08/2023 04:37

YANBU. I would find this a complete dealbreaker as well

SpidersAreShitheads · 13/08/2023 04:37

Endofroadinhs · 13/08/2023 00:16

I know what ( in his mind) has triggered this, we have been through a really stressful experience earlier this year which is blaming it on.
its just an excise though isn’t it, I wld love to escape my reality through substances sometimes, but I am a Mother and would not do something like that which would harm my kids.

Oof OP.

I understand that you’re anti-smoking but your DH has relapsed due to a situation you admit has been stressful - and your response is to call it an “excuse”?!

I’m vehemently anti-smoking. I also watched my beloved dad die relatively young from lung cancer due to lifelong smoking. I’m asthmatic and smoke massively aggravates my breathing problems. Plus smokers absolutely stink.

And yet….

I find your attitude horribly judgemental. Your DH relapsed after many years due to difficult life events. Do you really have no vices for coping with stress?! Some people drink too much when they’re stressed. Others comfort eat. Both of those could also severely impact long-term health. Smokers are addicts - and addiction is a lifelong battle. There might be blips along the way.

Ultimately you can draw your line wherever you want but have you asked your DH to try to stop again? Or asked him to maybe vape as a compromise?

I don’t think leaving your DH will influence your children one way or the other re smoking. If anything, they may resent you for breaking up a family for something they may come to view as trivial.

There’s nothing wrong with leaving a relationship that isn’t working - so is that what this is really about? If your relationship is otherwise strong, could your DH not work towards quitting again?

I would hate it if my partner smoked - but I’d be trying to support them to give up again. He abstained for many many years, so surely there’s a chance here?

MariaVT65 · 13/08/2023 04:44

I’d be slightly concerned that he was trying to hide it from you at first, so there are some issues there about lack of trust etc. I remember my dad doing this to me when he started smoking. I could smell it from upstairs and he kept trying to deny it.

If you haven’t already, I would have a proper conversation with him about how you’re feeling, and perhaps suggest some counselling, to help recover from the stressful event, plus a program to quit smoking. If he’s not willing, then maybe call it a day?

Really surprised at the comparisons on here to eating chocolate etc. Not exactly the same is it. I have a 2 year old and am currently pregnant. If my DH started smoking he would be immediately kicked out of the house.

3rdtimemumma · 13/08/2023 05:07

I think if smoking was the only problem in your relationship and everything else was incredible, you'd only be worried about your husband. Why has he started smoking when he knew it was a line in the sand because of your father's death? Why keep it from you? I think there's more going on here. With children involved, you need to talk and be honest with each other. I think this is more than a smoking issue. It might even be a way for him to assert more control. You discuss a previous problem earlier in the year, I suggest you focus on this with the smoking as a sideline issue. Even if that situation seems resolved e.g. redundancy and has a new job, the underlying negative feelings it created might have remained. Teaching your children about non-judgemental support, tolerance and how to work through difficult problems, is as important as health and 'lines in the sand' in my opinion.

Hungryfrogs23 · 13/08/2023 05:12

It would be a complete dealbreaker for me too @Endofroadinhs

Disgusting habit, stinks, expensive and potentially causes a lifetime of health issues for not just him, but his kids too.