To leave Husband as he gas started smoking

[Endofroadinhs]

Long story short- my Husband gave up smoking about 12 years ago. We discussed at the time that him starting again would be a dealbreaker and would likely result in me ending the marriage.
My Dad died of lung cancer aged 49- it was truly dreadful, he shrunk down to a living skeleton and drowned in his own blood.
Anyhow, I found out he has started smoking again first he was trying to hide it now he is just smoking whenever.
i am literally incandescent with rage that he is setting such an appalling example to our children and possible subject ming them to what I had to witness.
so what do people think, WIBU to divorce him?

And @JMSA and to those thinking this is just a minor thing to hate smoking, you are forgetting this part of the OP's post:

My Dad died of lung cancer aged 49- it was truly dreadful, he shrunk down to a living skeleton and drowned in his own blood.

I imagine she has a lot of trauma resulting from seeing that, and this isn't just an ordinary case of not wanting to be with a smoker.

I have the same deal with my husband. I always refused to date smokers - I hate the smell, the look, the cost and the fact you have to break up your day/wait for them during a meal etc whilst they pop out for a cigarette (usually multiple times) then come they come back in stinking. It’s just a massive turn off for me.
My DH does vape which was a compromise I made after getting to know him but he does so away from the house and not near the kids. I would prefer it if he didn’t do that either but respect that it’s his choice and that it has a minimal effect on me/us. If he started smoking he knows that would be the end and has accepted that is a hard line for me.

It definitely wouldn't work. He'd just say he smokes outside/ not infront of the kids.

There's nothing you can do about co-parenting taking kids to McDonald's excessively, giving lots of sweets etc even if there's a family history of obesity. They just class it is 'different parenting style'. And considering obesity is over taking cancer as biggest killer, you'd not have a chance of limiting contact because he smokes now and again.

This is so over the top. The father probably won't die of a smoking-related disease at a young age - most smokers don't. When the father does die (whether or not through a smoking related disease), it will statistically be at an older age. Although, maybe some years earlier than otherwise. But believe it or not, the mother will also die at some point. All parents do.

On the other hand, the trauma of a divorce for young children is NOT a statistical certainty. And it will fuck them up. Divorce does damage children.

It could also fuck them up if they learn that you are doing it to "protect" them from their father in some way. If they are at a certain age they will assume they are to blame. If they are older, they may very well resent you, if they think it's not a valid reason. Imagine if an act of teenage rebellion is to start smoking?

Leaving a husband for smoking is very different to leaving for violence or alcohol/drug abuse.

This situation requires empathy to help the father. The OP's reaction smacks of emotional manipulation and control.

I get that the OP is angry that a line that is so important to her has been crossed. Hopefully she just lashing out.

@Ohwhatadag Did you read the OP? Her own father died at 49 from lung cancer! And it's not about him, it's about second hand smoke that affects the children and the OP. Re-read the OP and you will understand what she went through seeing her dad died at 49 from it.

I think some people only read the thread titles and not the actual post.

It’s worth trying and worth getting it noted down on a court document.

@Ohwhatadag youre in denial and gaslighting the OP. Taking a "well, we're all going to die sometime" attitude is disgusting when @Endofroadinhs has explained their fears because of how their father died. Obviously you've not experienced what it's like to see someone you love die a premature death through the known Impact on health of cigarettes.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. Having a glass of wine with a meal is not harming those around. Smoking always harms those around

True. But that's why it's good to know how many he's actually smoking. If it's one now and again at work it's quite a different scenario to what other people are describing here like scraping tar off their grandmother's house once she died. There's smoking now and again and there's chain smoking in the house for years and years.

It does sound like he's addicted though (as he was an ex smoker), and I'd say it's worse to be addicted to alcohol than cigarettes. People addicted to alcohol don't usually just have one glass of wine with dinner now and again.

My sister and partner are actually going through this exact same scenario, my sister a life long smoker who gave up upon getting serious and the request of her now husband has taken up vaping after several years.

This has caused endless rows and they were on the brink of breaking up, she has an extremely stressful job (one in which should highlight the dangers of vaping..) and has had a tough year so I can see why she fell back to her old crux.

They’ve for now agreed she does it out of sight, no vapes to even enter the house, never in the vicinity of him, just at work when she is particularly stressed and she respects this.

I think the problem here is your husband isn’t even respecting your wishes, almost taunting you by doing it in front of you and actively knowingly doing it. I’m not saying he should be deceitful but the lack of respect for your boundaries is the cause for break up not the act of smoking itself.

As an ex smoker I wouldn’t go back (money, health) it seems bizarre that just a stressful situation has triggered this, has there been a change in friends?

it seems bizarre that just a stressful situation has triggered this

It seems bizarre that an addict has fallen off the wagon due to a stressful situation?

Really? come on!

The worst thing is the OP doesn't understand it either and she claims to work in mental health!

This sums up my views too.

I couldn’t bear to share my life/bed/body with a smoker. They stink, and it’s a disgusting waste of money.

However, surely there’s a point where you support him in quitting before taking the nuclear option? Or has he refused to even try to stop?

Why are so many people suggesting the OP explores why he started smoking again, or suggest she gets him on to vapes?

Why is it her responsibility to fix him? Surely we all understand that you can't force an addict to face their addiction? He is willing to prioritise the addiction over his wife and kids, but somehow the OP is in the wrong for considering to stick to her long held and well communicated ultimatum.

Absolutely bonkers thread.

I'd be off. I can't stand the smell. Watched it kill my DF too. No discussion, it's a dealbreaker for me.

A deal breaker for me too. I hate everything about it, but particularly the disgusting smell on the body, breath, clothes, etc. Smokers are in denial about just how bad it is. He'd be living in the garage if my OH started until he found somewhere else to live!

But then again, I'd not have dated a smoker/ex-smoker in the first place, as I've suffered family addictions when I was young and don't want anything to do with it again. I found out my first boyfriend smoked occasionally whilst we'd only been dating a few weeks - he initially tried to hide it, but I could smell it on him and then he tried to deny it. I just don't understand how they don't realise how much the smell lingers. Needless to say, he got ditched both from the smoking aspect and the lying about it aspect!

The point being is what you find acceptable, considering your own experience.

I smoke and I'm fully aware people don't like it and I don't allow children in public to see me nor my own, I will hide it in my hand if passing etc. My children know that I do but I tell them never to start and they understand why.

It does smell but I don't smoke to the point of wafting stale smoke on my clothes, most don't even realize I do.

I did actually quit years ago and moved to vapes but honestly they are no better in a way they have their own problems associated from my experience. The only reason I'm smoking now is because I'm going through a nightmare and it's keeping me level.

Should I meet someone new who doesn't like smoking for whatever reason, I would quit for them because what's more important... really.

I certainly wouldn't expect my partner who has experienced something like that to be okay with me smoking let alone secretly smoking either.

Where would the op go? She can't just chuck him out his house because she's against it. Have you actually sat down and come up with boundaries? This is most probably the beginning of the end but just writing someone off who you married and started a family with is ridiculous.