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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave Husband as he gas started smoking

118 replies

Endofroadinhs · 12/08/2023 23:38

Long story short- my Husband gave up smoking about 12 years ago. We discussed at the time that him starting again would be a dealbreaker and would likely result in me ending the marriage.
My Dad died of lung cancer aged 49- it was truly dreadful, he shrunk down to a living skeleton and drowned in his own blood.
Anyhow, I found out he has started smoking again first he was trying to hide it now he is just smoking whenever.
i am literally incandescent with rage that he is setting such an appalling example to our children and possible subject ming them to what I had to witness.
so what do people think, WIBU to divorce him?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 13/08/2023 05:23

Thehippowife · 13/08/2023 03:33

Going against the grain here, but shouldn’t your dh have the right to choose what he does ?
if he said to you eating chocolate was a deal breaker, would you give up?
I hate smoking and everything that goes with it. But I also don’t like controlling people, whose own life experiences make them try to shape the lives of others.
if it’s a deal breaker then by all means move on, but I think you are being unfair personally. He is doing what he wants with his own body, you don’t have to agree with that, but it should be his choice.

Smoking doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Even if he doesn’t smoke around his family, he is coming home covered in residue and exposing them to 3rd hand smoke. If he was the only person who had to deal with the health consequences of his decisions, there would be more freedom to make the choice for himself without ramifications.

Unlike other vices, smoking and vaping instantly impact other people. Drinking requires associated poor behavior to harm others. I’m not sure if it’s possible for a chocolate habit to harm a bystander, aside from strain on the healthcare system, but that is a whole different type of harm and not the point of this conversation.

AdrianeMole · 13/08/2023 05:28

It's a bit much to leave the father of your children over this. You'd be better off helping him to see how bad smoking is and helping him quit. Your children would resent you for splitting over something like this. Mumsnet will gang up and tell you to leave him but in the real world no you should not but you should show him the damage he is doing

phoenixrosehere · 13/08/2023 05:30

MariaVT65 · 13/08/2023 04:44

I’d be slightly concerned that he was trying to hide it from you at first, so there are some issues there about lack of trust etc. I remember my dad doing this to me when he started smoking. I could smell it from upstairs and he kept trying to deny it.

If you haven’t already, I would have a proper conversation with him about how you’re feeling, and perhaps suggest some counselling, to help recover from the stressful event, plus a program to quit smoking. If he’s not willing, then maybe call it a day?

Really surprised at the comparisons on here to eating chocolate etc. Not exactly the same is it. I have a 2 year old and am currently pregnant. If my DH started smoking he would be immediately kicked out of the house.

Really surprised at the comparisons on here to eating chocolate etc. Not exactly the same is it

It’s not by a long shot. People fully know the dangers of smoking now than they did decades ago. He is not only putting his health at risk but that of OP and their children. Partners of smokers can and have been diagnosed with lung cancer just by living with smokers even though they themselves haven’t, increased risk of breathing-related issues for children due to them living with someone who smokes. The smoke itself imbeds into many surfaces in the home and in clothes. There’s a reason many people are put off by buying homes from smokers. The cost of them and his habit alone is also an added issue.

It’s a dealbreaker for many for a reason and he knew it was so I disagree with some posters that it’s a silly reason for OP to leave him over it. There are several healthier ways to deal with stress than smoking.

Sueveneers · 13/08/2023 05:37

OP, even as a smoker myself, this is a good boundary for you to have. He lied to you. He knew smoking was a dealbreaker to you. You have to carry through with your threat. Make him aware that you will be seeing a divorce lawyer in a week if he doesn't stop. Make him choose. And mean it. You need to make a stand with this. It's important. Don't back down. You can't live with a smoker and you can't live with a liar who sneaks behind your back with smoking. Tell him to leave for a few days and work out what he wants.

starlightraven · 13/08/2023 05:51

Does he smoke in front of the children? My mother smoked growing up but she NEVER did it when we were around, so we never breathed it in or saw it. Still smelled it and hated she smoked, but at least it didn't harm us. It never made smoking appealing to me, if anything the opposite. But I also had friends who started smoking as they tried their parent's cigarettes they left lying around, so make sure he hides them away.

I would feel deeply unhappy too, I've told my husband I would not ever want him smoking. But divorce.. That's going to have a huge impact on the kids and I wouldn't do it for smoking alone. Instead I'd try and talk to him more and see if he can find ways to cope with his stress outside of smoking. But if he's smoking in front of the kids it would be another matter, as if they're having to breathe that poison in I'd want to get them away from him ASAP.

JaukiVexnoydi · 13/08/2023 05:56

Yanbu - it's not you ending the marriage it's him. You told him years ago what it would mean, he didn't forget, he knew you would hate it and he is doing it anyway. He wants the marriage over.

What an utter bastard.

Mummy08m · 13/08/2023 06:03

He must be selfish in other ways, and this be the final straw, for you to react in this way.

If my dh took up smoking after a traumatic event he'd never do it indoors or in front of our toddler, and he'd change his t shirt afterwards if I asked, etc - I know this from what he was like when he occasionally smoked in his early 20s. I don't think he'd let it affect our family finances either, he'd cut back on some other luxury. So I wouldn't leave him over it although I hate smoke.

But I sense your dh isn't so considerate. So yanbu

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2023 06:08

Is it a deal-breaker or was that a bluff you hoped he'd never call?

If you don't actually want to leave could you agree some rules such as he won't smoke in front of the children and he'll wear a smoking jacket or something and freshen up when he comes back inside. And support him to give up again?

Castall · 13/08/2023 06:16

@Endofroadinhs

get him an IQOS

User0311 · 13/08/2023 06:21

YANBU

Caroparo52 · 13/08/2023 06:26

What does he say when you say its divorce?
Is this enough of a threat to make him stop?
You mention a traumatic event this year which has most likely triggered his smoking relapse.
Would councilling for this trauma not be a good idea initially.
Treat the cause first
( traumamatic event ) not the the symptoms
( smoking )

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/08/2023 06:27

Is that the only thing that would make you want to get a divorce? Ie. Is he a good husband and Dad otherwise? If so I'd think very carefully about it, no one is perfect and it is no joke splitting up after so long, getting a divorce, trying to co-parent kids, and being a single parent. People are so quick to say leave him, but the grass isn't always greener. You're obviously furious and that's fair enough though. Personally I wouldn't like it - but it wouldn't be a deal-breaker as much as taking other kinds of drugs would be.

MintJulia · 13/08/2023 06:37

YANBU You have to do what you feel is best for your DCs.

I left my ex, partly, because he was drinking 90 units a week, was often drunk, unfit to drive, and openly so in front of our 2yo son. I couldn't trust him to act responsibly.

I didn't want my ds growing up with that sort of influence. I felt I had to protect him and so we left. It was the right decision.

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/08/2023 06:39

I think being an alcoholic has much more of an effect on everyday life and a relationship than smoking cigarettes (if we're talking wees that's another matter entirely).

MariaVT65 · 13/08/2023 06:39

I just want to add that my best friend’s grandma was a smoker, and when she passed, I spent an entire day helping my friend clean nicotine off her grandma’s walls. It literally looked like someone had splashed a bucket of tea over them. Just because you don’t smoke near your children, if you smoke inside at anytime, it’s still around.

Sueveneers · 13/08/2023 06:42

Smoking affects everyone, not just the smoker. A friend's mother died of emphysema. She didn't smoke, her husband did. Drinking doesn't make others get cancer. Smoking is far worse than drinking. And I say this as a smoker and a drinker. Smoking is not a 'monor issue'. It is a very serious issue and OP's health, and the health of her children, are at stake.

Sueveneers · 13/08/2023 06:43

*minor

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 13/08/2023 06:45

For me the smoking would kill every bit of physical attraction I had for him anyway, so all the other reasons aside, I wouldn’t want to stay with a man who repulsed me that much.

it would become a marriage without physical interaction with immediate effect, so might as well leave now.

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/08/2023 06:51

Has anyone even asked how many he is smoking? One every now and again is very different to chain smoking 10-30 a day.

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2023 06:54

Dh started pipe smoking at one point in our marriage. He'd apparently occasionally done it years before we ever met.

I just wanted to say I kind of get it. I suppose for me there wasn't the same horror of watching someone die of lung cancer. But I felt completely trapped. I loathe everything about smoking to such a pathological degree that I know it's not logical. I personally didn't think I could divorce dh over it but I faced the prospect of being with a partner whose smell I couldn't tolerate at all, who I would never have chosen to be with, for the rest of my life. My skin crawled at the prospect. He stopped again very quickly afterwards. I don't know if I could have dealt with it long term.

The only thing is... you know he's going to die anyway, don't you? There isn't any such thing as an attractive death. It might be worth talking to someone neutral about your father's death - again, if you've done it before.

Ilikepinacoladass · 13/08/2023 06:54

Drinking might not give anyone else cancer - but living with an alcoholic has very real damage on the people around them

Beezknees · 13/08/2023 07:01

I'd give him another chance to quit first.

I find smoking very unattractive. I went out with a smoker once and it was gross. The smell always lingers.

It would stop me being physically attracted to them, and how can you stay married to someone you aren't physically attracted to?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 13/08/2023 07:03

Qould bw a dwalbreaker for me too op as l also had to see my dad die slowly due to his smoking habit

ButterCrackers · 13/08/2023 07:09

He knows it’s a dealbreaker. He knows why you hate smoking. I’m sorry for your dad. You are protecting your kids from them seeing him smoking and smelling him smoking and them then thinking it normal and starting to smoke. He knows you’ll leave him and with good reason. Get legal advice to see if you can ensure a smoke free home due to health risks when the kids visit him. If his home is not smoke free he can’t have his kids to stay. Get that checked. He is so disrespectful to you and your kids. I hate smoking and would have nothing to do with a smoker.

AuroraForever · 13/08/2023 07:10

Is there something else going on here? Have you been looking for an excuse to divorce him? Perhaps he’s been looking for a way to get rid of you.

I find it utterly ridiculous that you’d break up your family over this. How about supporting him? How about trying to help him stop again?

What will you do if one of your children starts smoking? Will you support them or just walk out of their life?

You mention a traumatic event, was it traumatic just for him or both of you and what have you done about it?