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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

114 replies

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:20

It's just draining. The school holidays are here again and yet again my dh drags his heels over any days out I suggest. The only reason we go away or do anything is because I sort it. It never occurs to him to plan anything that the dc might benefit from or enjoy, it's starting to make me seriously resent him. Since covid he has been boring in general if I'm honest. There is always a problem or a reason why we can't do anything - money or the youngest won't like it - being the favourite ones. He just drains me and makes life feel like such a drag.

I see friends whose partners book things and arrange things. My own dad used to be like this as well. I'm busy with all the other life admin, work, kids stuff and sometimes it would just be nice to have somebody else make a suggestion to do something enjoyable. All dh leaves the house for is to walk the dogs and go to work. He doesn't socialise either.

Realistically I know I can't leave him. We have young dc and a big mortgage. And overall we rub along well together but in all honesty if I'd known he would end up making me feel so down and bored I would have had very serious reservations about him in the beginning. As it was he used to be quite fun and often planned weekends away. Maybe married life and kids has made him boring.

Is anyone else's dh like this? I know people will say 'just do things alone or with friends' but surely families are supposed to make memories and have good times together. Why would he prefer to just be at home in his slippers?

OP posts:
IjustbelieveinMe · 09/08/2023 13:21

It took me 10 years to leave someone like this. I have never felt happier. You deserve more.

Ilovealido · 09/08/2023 13:22

How old is your DH OP?

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 13:24

I would totally leave. Life is too short to be in a constant state of resentment.

Ilovealido · 09/08/2023 13:25

It does sound very draining. My DP isn’t the best at organising activities but he will go along with them & he helps out a lot. But I know a few friend’s DH’s that are a bit similar.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:27

There is an age gap which has never bothered me before but he's approaching 50 and I'm late 30's and maybe it is becoming more prevalent.

However I also think it's just his personality. He is well travelled and talks fondly of the places he's been, but I get the impression it's not by his own doing. Like he's been on holidays arranged my friends/exes rather than seeking out experiences himself. He is happy just being at home (I am too to an extent - I love getting home after a holiday) but I can't stand the feeling that life is passing me by, and even more so that my kids aren't getting to experience things.

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 09/08/2023 13:27

I think this sounds like one of those cases where talking together with a marriage counsellor type person might be helpful - just to get him to understand how important this is to you, and give him some practical ideas for getting out of this rut. Esp since you say he never used to be like this. Is he screen-addicted/obsessed with gaming, watching sports on TV, stuff like that? What does he actually do at home?

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:28

Ilovealido · 09/08/2023 13:25

It does sound very draining. My DP isn’t the best at organising activities but he will go along with them & he helps out a lot. But I know a few friend’s DH’s that are a bit similar.

I would say this is like him. He will do it and he does help once he's there. But he would never suggest anything or god forbid plan anything himself.

OP posts:
gemsgv · 09/08/2023 13:30

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:27

There is an age gap which has never bothered me before but he's approaching 50 and I'm late 30's and maybe it is becoming more prevalent.

However I also think it's just his personality. He is well travelled and talks fondly of the places he's been, but I get the impression it's not by his own doing. Like he's been on holidays arranged my friends/exes rather than seeking out experiences himself. He is happy just being at home (I am too to an extent - I love getting home after a holiday) but I can't stand the feeling that life is passing me by, and even more so that my kids aren't getting to experience things.

So he's late 40s and you are approaching 40

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:30

user1477391263 · 09/08/2023 13:27

I think this sounds like one of those cases where talking together with a marriage counsellor type person might be helpful - just to get him to understand how important this is to you, and give him some practical ideas for getting out of this rut. Esp since you say he never used to be like this. Is he screen-addicted/obsessed with gaming, watching sports on TV, stuff like that? What does he actually do at home?

He enjoys gaming but he doesn't do it excessively. Only one or two nights a week for a couple of hours. He doesn't look at his phone much, hardly ever watches sport. Will get into a series if I'm watching it but can take or leave it otherwise. He works hard but I honestly can't think of a single thing (other than gaming) that he would actually choose to do given a day to himself. It's actually quite sad.

OP posts:
bussteward · 09/08/2023 13:32

I actively called my partner out on this. Taking DD to the library on Saturday or a chore like new shoes isn’t a plan for the weekend! I showed him our wall calendar and how everything on there had been suggested, researched, booked and organised by me. He stepped up and started looking for things, booking tickets.

He does get in a rut and could easily spend every evening in his cave plonking on his computer and it’s so dull – especially for me downstairs, feeling like a widow to his little music hobby. He has to be pushed to go out but then always enjoys it when he goes, remembers that going out is nice, and makes the effort to go out more of his own volition. Then something will happen to disrupt the going out – poorly children, budget, being busy – and he gets in the rut again.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 13:33

You say he works hard - he may genuinely be too drained to take the lead on things in the way you want him to. It isn’t a great way to be fit him or you. Is there a way he can get more free time? Perhaps not, as you say you have a large mortgage. Tricky.

MatildaTheCat · 09/08/2023 13:35

Do you think he might have seen marriage and children as a scenario where it’s all a bit 1950s and boring? Safe old routine?

Have you had an honest conversation about what you need from him? He may not be able to change but perhaps you could have a regular sit down to brainstorm ideas of activities and outings and then take turns to organise? Or you accept the role as chief ideas person and arranger and he has to sort out food, clothes and transport? Or some sort of arrangement where you feel less resentful.

If he has no interest at all then yes, you are probably incompatible.

Sandsational · 09/08/2023 13:35

You don't seem to like him much and that is enough to end the relationship, if he's not offering you the life you want.

But some of your criticisms are unfair. He just has a different personality to you, it sounds like he enjoys staying in, not doing much, and a quiet life. Some families live like that, there's nothing wrong with it and I'm not sure kids necessarily benefit from tonnes of experiences out of the home. There is another thread running where everyone is apparently nostalgic for an era where kids had to entertain themselves! It sounds like you'd be doing each other a favour to split, you could both find someone you're more compatible with.

Chickenkeev · 09/08/2023 13:36

What does he do when he's at home if he's not gaming/glued to telly etc? Is he cooking, cleaning, spending time with DC, gardening?

Sceptre86 · 09/08/2023 13:37

I'm mid 30s and my dh is 8 years older. The age gap is starting to get more noticeable now in that he tires more easily than I do. Perhaps your dh is the same.

My dh does plan outings though and is proactive on that front. Could it be a cost issue? I'd speak to him about it, how's he supposed to change if he doesn't realise it's an issue?

Strugglingtofindclothes · 09/08/2023 13:38

Best thing I ever did was leave my one that was like this. They're not only boring but their boring personality by default makes them controlling and domineering as they always get their own way or make sure you suffer if they dont. I didn't realise how much I'd lost myself by staying with him, it took over 5 years to recover.

bussteward · 09/08/2023 13:38

Can you just book stuff to do with the children and he can accompany or not? A fait accompli. Leaves all the mental load and planning to you but at least you’d be doing the things.

LegendsBeyond · 09/08/2023 13:40

Life’s too short to live like that. It will eat away at you. I’d talk to him about how much it affects you. If things don’t change, I’d leave & get on with living your life.

PetitPorpoise · 09/08/2023 13:42

He wouldn't be the only person to feel a bit like that after covid and with young children as well. Leaving him seems a bit of a nuclear option if this is the only thing he's doing wrong. God knows I'm not as fun an spontaneous as I was before children.

Also, how old are your children? Children do sometimes make even the simplest of days out and trips a bit of a drag. Do you have reliable childcare so that you can do things as a couple sometimes?

I do think you need to at least talk it through and maybe see a counsellor if things don't get better.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:44

I think the reason I find it annoying is twofold. When we met he wasn't like this. I sometimes feel like I've been tricked into believing him to be a different version of himself than he actually is. He can be fun, engaging and charming but that's not the side of him I see anymore.

I also feel like I'm under pressure to plan stuff for the kids. I'm not someone who thinks they should be #makingmemories every single day and encourage the older one to go out with his friends and to use his imagination to make his own fun. But while they are still young I want to have days out now and again. And it would be nice to have a husband who was on board with that too and even maybe planned a few bits.

He works, he cooks, he tends to the garden, he will look after dc if I want to do something, he's far from lazy. In many ways he's a very good man. But he's just got very 'un dynamic' when it comes to actually doing anything. Life is a cycle of work, chores, meals, bedtimes and we all need something to break up the monotony surely?

Whenever I address it he gets defensive, cites one of his many excuses and then gets sulky if i offer a different view. It just takes all the enjoyment out of things. Meanwhile my friend has a husband who will surprise her with random days out and book family holidays with a full itinerary (I know we shouldn't compare but there we go).

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 09/08/2023 13:47

Sounds like he just doesnt want to be a dad.

Happy enough to plan things...with you....

Cant be bothered to plan or even attend days out with the kids.

Engages in solo activities.

CamelSilk · 09/08/2023 13:50

I'm around the same age as your DH and I think the age gap may be a big part of this. I definitely have less "get up and go" than I did 10 years ago!

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:52

It could be the age thing. Maybe I was naive to think it wouldn't be an issue for us.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 09/08/2023 13:55

Also 10 year age gap and that's never been an issue, so it could be a red herring. It could be down to personality types, hes probably just happy to do nothing or go along with the flow if someone else is doing all the sorting out.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 13:59

Remember though that you will change with age too - it’s quite possible you will re-align at some point. It seems a small thing to chuck a marriage away for. Perhaps counselling would help?