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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

114 replies

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:20

It's just draining. The school holidays are here again and yet again my dh drags his heels over any days out I suggest. The only reason we go away or do anything is because I sort it. It never occurs to him to plan anything that the dc might benefit from or enjoy, it's starting to make me seriously resent him. Since covid he has been boring in general if I'm honest. There is always a problem or a reason why we can't do anything - money or the youngest won't like it - being the favourite ones. He just drains me and makes life feel like such a drag.

I see friends whose partners book things and arrange things. My own dad used to be like this as well. I'm busy with all the other life admin, work, kids stuff and sometimes it would just be nice to have somebody else make a suggestion to do something enjoyable. All dh leaves the house for is to walk the dogs and go to work. He doesn't socialise either.

Realistically I know I can't leave him. We have young dc and a big mortgage. And overall we rub along well together but in all honesty if I'd known he would end up making me feel so down and bored I would have had very serious reservations about him in the beginning. As it was he used to be quite fun and often planned weekends away. Maybe married life and kids has made him boring.

Is anyone else's dh like this? I know people will say 'just do things alone or with friends' but surely families are supposed to make memories and have good times together. Why would he prefer to just be at home in his slippers?

OP posts:
bagforlifeamnesty · 09/08/2023 14:45

I meant to add, my kids are always hard work on a day out, there’s inevitable arguments and whinging and it can be quite frustrating when you’ve spent an arm and a leg to go somewhere and all they do is sulk because they’ve run out of strawberry ice creams or there was a big queue for the zip wire or whatever.

Margarita45 · 09/08/2023 14:47

OP it really sounds like you both just aren’t that compatible personality wise. I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for that though. I don’t think you can force him to be something he isn’t.

That being said, does he realise how deeply unhappy you are with the situation? He either makes a sacrifice to join in/plan some activities or he accepts that you may want to end your marriage.

For what it’s worth, my husband and I are completely different personalities. But we both equally prioritise our kids enjoyment - is this the wider issue here?

I mostly plan and book days out and activities, but he’s the spontaneous type that’ll randomly take them out on their bikes or to play football in the park on an evening on a whim. I don’t expect him to do what I do and vice versa…

Daphnis156 · 09/08/2023 14:50

I think it could be the age gap, maybe not really apparent until now.
Is this really something to divorce him for?

Mind you seething resentment for years will kill all love.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2023 14:53

Meanwhile my friend has a husband who will surprise her with random days out and book family holidays with a full itinerary (I know we shouldn't compare but there we go).

I don't know any men who do this. Truthfully I don't know many women who want their husband springing random days out and holidays on them - I think you are comparing your normal (if imperfect) situation with an atypical one that may or may not be as described.

At the end of the day you can cut your husband loose and it will take him 5 minutes to find a new partner who appreciates his many good traits and doesn't care who books the trip to the owl sanctuary. I question how easy it will be for you to find a new partner who does everything your husband does, and also delights you with Instagram friendly family experiences, so personally I would have a good think before taking any action.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 09/08/2023 14:54

Yep. Dull homebody dh here as well.
I let him know things in advance and tell him that he doesn't have a choice and we're all going to this place.
I try to do some things that he'll like. Like a day trip to silverstone because, you know, cars. Ds loves them too so it's fine.
He's got better as he's got used to it and knows I'll get annoyed.
But I'm someone who loves to go out and about a lot so we've done absolutely loads without him. He's not a bad person, he just doesnt enjoy it as much as I do. We had totally different upbringings.

Backstreets · 09/08/2023 14:56

I kind of get it, but if he’s otherwise a good man this sounds fixable with some good communication and maybe some conditions- like taking turns planning a vacation every other year or so. He’ll probably never be a spontaneous romantic but that’s tough with young DC anyway, and trust me those blokes don’t grow on trees.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 09/08/2023 15:01

My friends dh is like this, she made a conscious decision a few years ago to leave him to it. She now has a circle of friends with kids and she holidays with them, days out, long weekends etc and has a whale of a time. Her dh moans from time to time that she's away a lot, but she tells him that's his decision and if he wants to do anything he can suggest it.

gothshot · 09/08/2023 15:02

I used to have a boyfriend like this. I'd arrange everything we did, he'd never suggest days out but when I did arrange things or make suggestions he'd be happy to go along with it. It got so draining in the end being the one to plan stuff all the time and I just felt like he couldn't be bothered.
I've been with my current partner coming up 5 years and we have a 4 month old DD. He suggests days out and plans things for us. He helps out loads around the house and is more than happy to do the night shift with DD.
I would say leave, life is too short to spend it unhappy like this and you could be missing out on a better life with someone new.

Chickenkeev · 09/08/2023 15:05

11 year age gap here and OH not like this. He's early 50s.

Johnisafckface · 09/08/2023 15:07

DrManhattan · 09/08/2023 13:55

Also 10 year age gap and that's never been an issue, so it could be a red herring. It could be down to personality types, hes probably just happy to do nothing or go along with the flow if someone else is doing all the sorting out.

I agree. I have a male friend who is in his mid 50s and his wife is mid 40s and he's always on the go with his DD and never gets tired. He even works two jobs. And two of my exes who are mid 50s have endless energy. But they are all very social, can't sit still type of people. I'm the opposite and I actually enjoy not doing stuff every weekend. And I've always been like that no matter my age. It's just my personality. But I'm usually glad to go if something is planned, as long as it's not every weekend.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 15:08

I see both sides of this and I don't think either of you is wrong, as such. You just have different viewpoints and different preferences.

I don't think he's dull either - it's perfectly okay to prefer staying at home. As long as he's not making you stay home all the time too, is it really a problem?

You could always mix and match what you do. You take one DC out with you and leave him in charge of the other. Then the next day, swap children. Then do a family day out, then a family day at home. Make it fair for everyone.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 15:23

But some of your criticisms are unfair. He just has a different personality to you, it sounds like he enjoys staying in, not doing much, and a quiet life. Some families live like that, there's nothing wrong with it and I'm not sure kids necessarily benefit from tonnes of experiences out of the home.

Sorry, couldn't disagree more with this. I think its a terrible way for kids to live and it really limits their opportunities.

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

Timeturnerplease · 09/08/2023 15:30

Also agree the age gap may well be a red herring. DH is 10+ years older than me, but on a recent holiday with my sister and her husband (similar ages to me) revealed that he has a million times more get up and go than the three of us put together. My father is 70 and still goes off piste skiing, cycles 100 miles in one go and barely sits still. He’s never at home.

I’d be more concerned that maybe your DH finds it difficult or undesirable to do things as a family. A personality trait/issue that’s only becoming apparent now.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 15:32

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 15:23

But some of your criticisms are unfair. He just has a different personality to you, it sounds like he enjoys staying in, not doing much, and a quiet life. Some families live like that, there's nothing wrong with it and I'm not sure kids necessarily benefit from tonnes of experiences out of the home.

Sorry, couldn't disagree more with this. I think its a terrible way for kids to live and it really limits their opportunities.

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

This seems quite an extreme position. Let’s remember that this vision of childhood - days out, activities, external stimulation all the time - is very much a phenomenon of the last 2 or 3 decades. There are things about it that are good but also downsides (time spent idly reading, playing, making up stuff without adult supervision is also developmentally important).

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 15:36

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

This is a very modern way of raising children though.

I was raised in the nineties and even then we didn't do a constant stream of days out. We'd maybe have one big "day out" per holiday - the zoo, a theme park, the beach, but that was the extent of it. Children don't need all this stimulation and entertainment.

cheddercherry · 09/08/2023 15:38

I guess you need to find out the root cause for him, be it age, genuine financial concerns or maybe just not fussed. Lay your cards on the table that this is something you need addressing or at least you need clarity on why you’re in this situation as otherwise in ten years time you’ll be sat there (with kids maybe leaving home or at least not as dependent) looking at one another wondering how you ended up as strangers with kids. You’ll resent him for stopping you living your life and he’ll probably say he’s resented a decade of nagging.

So, cards on the table, how do you fix, compromise or, possibly move on from this?
I’m early 30s but due to losing a parent relatively young I’m very much in the “life’s too short, live now” camp. As hard as this conversation is now for you, imagine how hard it is down the line when you feel like you’ve really missed your own shot, and the kids are grown. I’d rather be uncomfortable now and make changes for the better than keep the peace and feel I missed my chance.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 15:43

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 15:36

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

This is a very modern way of raising children though.

I was raised in the nineties and even then we didn't do a constant stream of days out. We'd maybe have one big "day out" per holiday - the zoo, a theme park, the beach, but that was the extent of it. Children don't need all this stimulation and entertainment.

I am a child of the 70s/80s and this is my recollection too. i read a lot, built dens in the garden, played games with my sister. I don’t think this did me any harm.

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 15:50

DDs were raised in the 00s/10s and we didn't do a constant stream of days out either. They did do dance, gymnastics and athletics which sometimes took place at the weekend. Weekends were for catching up with housework while DDs entertain themselves. We did some days out in school holidays when we were at home and they went on days out with the childminder when we were both working.

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 15:51

And it's great when one of them is old enough to drive and they take themselves out for the day 🙂

lastminutewednesday · 09/08/2023 15:56

I had a boyfriend like this once. God he was dull. Tbh he was exactly as you describe your dh except half the time he wouldn't even walk the dogs!
I started to become dull myself so I had to bin him off. Now I look back on it I do t know how I stuck it so long. Life is way way too short!

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 15:59

I was raised in the nineties and even then we didn't do a constant stream of days out. We'd maybe have one big "day out" per holiday - the zoo, a theme park, the beach, but that was the extent of it. Children don't needall this stimulation and entertainment.

Children don't need constant stimulation, no, and it's not so much about constant stream of days out. It's more that having one parent who basically refuses to participate in any family activities and outsources it all to the other one sends a really shit signal about family life.

It also basically tells the kids they're not interesting enough to spend time with, which again is a pretty shit signal.

It's a no from me. I can't imagine your life would be any worse on your own.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 16:07

Children don't need constant stimulation, no, and it's not so much about constant stream of days out. It's more that having one parent who basically refuses to participate in any family activities and outsources it all to the other one sends a really shit signal about family life.

But family life is about so much more than big days out. It sounds like OP's DH doesn't enjoy big days out but is happy to do plenty of family activities at home. That doesn't make him a shit parent who refuses to participate - it just means he prefers different things to OP.

My dad almost never participated in big days out - it just wasn't his cup of tea. But that didn't make him a shit parent - he did other things instead. He taught me how to ride a bike. He learnt how to rollerblade in his forties so that he could take me skating. He taught me how to bake bread and cook pasta sauce like his grandma taught him. He helped me make big piles of leaves in the garden so we could play in them, and set up my tent for me so we could "camp".

I probably have more memories of those things than I do the big days out, to be honest.

CardiganBardigan · 09/08/2023 16:07

I wonder if what this is really about is that you would like to see some evidence from him that he actually wants to spend time with you and the children.

It just feel like a big rejection that his preferred default is to please himself and keep distant from you all.

watcherintherye · 09/08/2023 16:08

Meanwhile my friend has a husband who will surprise her with random days out and book family holidays with a full itinerary

You see, that all sounds lovely in theory, but in reality that would drive me potty! I can’t stand things being sprung on me, and would want to be very much involved in planning any itinerary!

Birdfeather · 09/08/2023 16:10

This sounds very similar to my husband. He was diagnosed with anxiety which is most apparent in social situations.

He spent years just not doing anything and almost causing rows before events so he had a get out.

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