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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

114 replies

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:20

It's just draining. The school holidays are here again and yet again my dh drags his heels over any days out I suggest. The only reason we go away or do anything is because I sort it. It never occurs to him to plan anything that the dc might benefit from or enjoy, it's starting to make me seriously resent him. Since covid he has been boring in general if I'm honest. There is always a problem or a reason why we can't do anything - money or the youngest won't like it - being the favourite ones. He just drains me and makes life feel like such a drag.

I see friends whose partners book things and arrange things. My own dad used to be like this as well. I'm busy with all the other life admin, work, kids stuff and sometimes it would just be nice to have somebody else make a suggestion to do something enjoyable. All dh leaves the house for is to walk the dogs and go to work. He doesn't socialise either.

Realistically I know I can't leave him. We have young dc and a big mortgage. And overall we rub along well together but in all honesty if I'd known he would end up making me feel so down and bored I would have had very serious reservations about him in the beginning. As it was he used to be quite fun and often planned weekends away. Maybe married life and kids has made him boring.

Is anyone else's dh like this? I know people will say 'just do things alone or with friends' but surely families are supposed to make memories and have good times together. Why would he prefer to just be at home in his slippers?

OP posts:
Ilovealido · 09/08/2023 16:10

I think your DP does sound quite similar to mine actually OP. What I’ve come to realise (based on my DD being assessed) is that he is likely to be autistic too- he agrees! He finds organising trips out really stressful & tends to get overstimulated quite easily. He needs a lot of downtime. Now I understand this more about him I resent it less. I think I’m more of an introvert too but I do like to have things to look forward to like you. I’m not sure what the answer is but I do make a lot of my own plans separate to him so I can get the social stimulation I need.

BarrelOfOtters · 09/08/2023 16:10

You don't sound very compatible...

OriginalBliss · 09/08/2023 16:11

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 15:23

But some of your criticisms are unfair. He just has a different personality to you, it sounds like he enjoys staying in, not doing much, and a quiet life. Some families live like that, there's nothing wrong with it and I'm not sure kids necessarily benefit from tonnes of experiences out of the home.

Sorry, couldn't disagree more with this. I think its a terrible way for kids to live and it really limits their opportunities.

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

Agreed, @Thepeopleversuswork. It's an appalling limitation of children's lives to restrict them to the home and to normalise a life that begins and ends between the four walls of your house. Money is not needed to give your children access to a bigger world -- what is needed is parents who are actively engaged with that world and interested in showing it to them. And sorry, that can't be done from the sofa. It's very revealing that several posters arguing the 'being a homebody is a good thing' POV have leapt to the conclusion that days out/time out of the house = Alton Towers and Legoland. What a depressingly reductive view of the world.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 09/08/2023 16:15

This is a very modern way of raising children though.

True but it's to compensate for the lack of outdoor time that kids have these days. Kids would play out a lot and didn't need parents to constantly take them out as they'd take themselves out and play outdoors with friends.

I do it purely because I like to go out and just take the kids along with me. They basically go where I want to go, and are happy to go so.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 16:17

True but it's to compensate for the lack of outdoor time that kids have these days. Kids would play out a lot and didn't need parents to constantly take them out as they'd take themselves out and play outdoors with friends.

I never once played out with friends as a kid - there were no other children on my street so it just didn't happen.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 16:18

@OriginalBliss

It's very revealing that several posters arguing the 'being a homebody is a good thing' POV have leapt to the conclusion that days out/time out of the house = Alton Towers and Legoland. What a depressingly reductive view of the world.

Exactly this. There's a middle ground between going to a different theme park every day of the week and sitting on the sofa, scrolling on your phone and the fact some people seem to think that's all that's open to families is really frustrating.

It doesn't require tons of money or free time. It's about using your brain, talking to your kids, getting them interested in the wider world and not just shrinking into yourself just because you're past the age of 40.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 16:23

Exactly this. There's a middle ground between going to a different theme park every day of the week and sitting on the sofa, scrolling on your phone and the fact some people seem to think that's all that's open to families is really frustrating.

Who said anything about sitting on the sofa scrolling on a phone? OP says herself that her husband barely ever uses his phone.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 09/08/2023 16:24

In my experience, people who tend to spend more time outdoors do seem to be calmer and happier people.
I'm sure people will come and tell me about all these outdoor types who are miserable but I don't think that's generally the case, and with good reason.
It's good for our mental health to spend regular time outdoors being active.

Lentilweaver · 09/08/2023 16:25

I'd find this very hard. I am past 50 and go out a lot. DH, older, but he will come on weekends and be enthusiastic.

I am not saying LTB but I do think he needs to meet you halfway. Not every weekend but at least some weekends.

Goatymum · 09/08/2023 16:26

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:27

There is an age gap which has never bothered me before but he's approaching 50 and I'm late 30's and maybe it is becoming more prevalent.

However I also think it's just his personality. He is well travelled and talks fondly of the places he's been, but I get the impression it's not by his own doing. Like he's been on holidays arranged my friends/exes rather than seeking out experiences himself. He is happy just being at home (I am too to an extent - I love getting home after a holiday) but I can't stand the feeling that life is passing me by, and even more so that my kids aren't getting to experience things.

I’d say it was probably age gap as late 30s/late 40s is quite a big one in a lot of ways. I’m early 50s and I was very different 12-14 years ago. I used to go out a lot more, we had young DCs so had to, but even going out most Sat nights (getting a sitter), having nights out w friends in noisy bars, seeing couple friends etc.
Now we are early/mid 50s respectively we don’t go out as much - combo of health issues, losing some connections cos of covid, laziness, no ‘need’ to go
out etc.

zurala · 09/08/2023 16:26

I could have written this. I'm late 40s DH is mid 50s and he never suggests doing anything. I have to think it all up and make it all happen. He will come, but if I didn't organise it we would spend every day sitting in the house, not even doing anything in the house! We have two living rooms and he will go and sit in the other one rather than be with me or the children. I find it really upsetting and no amount of talking to him about it helps. I'll probably leave him when the youngest is older. I can't face this being my retirement life. I look at his parents and they are the same, just dull people who do nothing except sit in the house. He didn't used to be like this, but I can see he's basically turning into his parents and I refuse to let that be my life long term.
I'm sorry OP, it sucks but I don't think you can change him.

NewNovember · 09/08/2023 16:27

IjustbelieveinMe · 09/08/2023 13:21

It took me 10 years to leave someone like this. I have never felt happier. You deserve more.

And her children deserve two parents living together working in their marriage. Adults whims do not come before children's needs ever!

continentallentil · 09/08/2023 16:30

Have some marriage counselling - it sounds like it could get better.

I don’t think his age has anything to do with it, it probably is his character, but it may be that once he’s more aware of it and the fact his marriage is at risk he’ll pull himself together.

If he doesn’t you probably have to call it, but give it a go.

LittleMonks11 · 09/08/2023 16:30

Might he be depressed OP? If he wasn't like it previously then it might be a possibility. The world has changed so much in the past few years that it can really get to a person.

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 09/08/2023 16:31

I think the age thing is a bit of a red herring! I'm late 40s and DH is 5 years older and neither of us are like this at all
Just back from holidays and have both done lots of activities with our teen DCs and had a great time. Physically we are a bit creakier with the odd ache and pain but in attitude not at all.

Lentilweaver · 09/08/2023 16:36

It's not a choice between noisy theme parks/bars and sitting at home. There are so many things in between: museums, walks, libraries, picnics, heritage sites....

continentallentil · 09/08/2023 16:39

AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 15:32

This seems quite an extreme position. Let’s remember that this vision of childhood - days out, activities, external stimulation all the time - is very much a phenomenon of the last 2 or 3 decades. There are things about it that are good but also downsides (time spent idly reading, playing, making up stuff without adult supervision is also developmentally important).

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I grew up in the 70s and we had plenty of days out, after school activities and external stimulation as did many other middle class kids. Parents did it to build cultural capital then as they do now.

We also had plenty of time to idle at home and read and play make believe, as anyone would - you can’t be out all the time.

Making sure your kids have as wide an experience of the world as reasonably possible will benefit them hugely in later life. It builds confidence, experience and curiously and is a major reason why it’s easier for young middle class adults to get on in life compared to their less privileged peers.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 16:42

And her children deserve two parents living together working in their marriage. Adults whims do not come before children's needs ever!

"Working on the marriage" = slogging it out in bitter, resentful misery.
Living with two people who hate one another does not make children happy. As posters on these boards tell us on a daily basis.
And I seriously doubt these children "need" someone who can't bestir himself to leave his home.

BarrelOfOtters · 09/08/2023 16:47

NewNovember · 09/08/2023 16:27

And her children deserve two parents living together working in their marriage. Adults whims do not come before children's needs ever!

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Oh do bog off.

Iheartmysmart · 09/08/2023 16:55

I’m just divorced from one of these men. If I didn’t plan and arrange things we’d end up doing nothing. Asking for suggestions on what to do just resulted in the infuriating phrase ‘I don’t mind, what do you want to do’! Drove me bloody bonkers.

I got to my early fifties and decided this was no way to live and told him I wanted to separate. I couldn’t face the thought of old age with him. DS was 17 at the time and obviously upset but he’s at Uni now having the time of his life. I go out for dinner, to the cinema and on holiday on my own. Life is so much better.

mainbrochus · 09/08/2023 16:59

It seems more worrying that you have repeatedly told him your issue and he doesn’t make any changes.

what about free activities? Does he whinge about those ?

Harrypewter · 09/08/2023 17:30

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 15:50

DDs were raised in the 00s/10s and we didn't do a constant stream of days out either. They did do dance, gymnastics and athletics which sometimes took place at the weekend. Weekends were for catching up with housework while DDs entertain themselves. We did some days out in school holidays when we were at home and they went on days out with the childminder when we were both working.

I agree. Earlier at work, we were conversing about how we used to spend our days as children. It was a routine of waking up, having breakfast, and then playing for the rest of the day. Our activities included all sports such as football, and swimming, but I was never fond of going out or the occasional zoo trip. Nowadays, children have a plethora of activities available to them.

My kids are the same, playing out with friends. We will have 6-7 holidays and monthly trips but the general week is quiet and relaxing. Couldn't be arsed with the fuss.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 17:42

mainbrochus · 09/08/2023 16:59

It seems more worrying that you have repeatedly told him your issue and he doesn’t make any changes.

what about free activities? Does he whinge about those ?

I wouldn't say he whinges. He just has no enthusiasm. He would never suggest it, even the free stuff. He will take the littlest out for a walk maybe and that's about it.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 09/08/2023 17:43

Can you do a dog related thing?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 17:45

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 17:42

I wouldn't say he whinges. He just has no enthusiasm. He would never suggest it, even the free stuff. He will take the littlest out for a walk maybe and that's about it.

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Does he suggest stuff that he would enjoy, even if it's home-based activities?