Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

[soreheadedbear]

It's just draining. The school holidays are here again and yet again my dh drags his heels over any days out I suggest. The only reason we go away or do anything is because I sort it. It never occurs to him to plan anything that the dc might benefit from or enjoy, it's starting to make me seriously resent him. Since covid he has been boring in general if I'm honest. There is always a problem or a reason why we can't do anything - money or the youngest won't like it - being the favourite ones. He just drains me and makes life feel like such a drag.

I see friends whose partners book things and arrange things. My own dad used to be like this as well. I'm busy with all the other life admin, work, kids stuff and sometimes it would just be nice to have somebody else make a suggestion to do something enjoyable. All dh leaves the house for is to walk the dogs and go to work. He doesn't socialise either.

Realistically I know I can't leave him. We have young dc and a big mortgage. And overall we rub along well together but in all honesty if I'd known he would end up making me feel so down and bored I would have had very serious reservations about him in the beginning. As it was he used to be quite fun and often planned weekends away. Maybe married life and kids has made him boring.

Is anyone else's dh like this? I know people will say 'just do things alone or with friends' but surely families are supposed to make memories and have good times together. Why would he prefer to just be at home in his slippers?

I don't think it's an age thing at all. He's not that ancient. Young children are more tiring if you are older, but not to that extent. My Dad was an older Dad and worked hard (out of the house 6am to 6pm) but still had time and energy for us. Lots of older parents are very active.

He's turned into a homebody, which is fine if the whole family are that way, but unfair if not.

i don't think it is an age thing; my late husband was always organizing something, to the extent that the kids would complain that their lives were too busy. He was a bit of a big kid himself and would always make suggestions about places to go.
It really might just be that he is self contained, a bit introverted and not happy with being around lots of people. I'm not excusing him BTW, I think he should get on with planning something, he just needs to get the impetus to do it.
Maybe give him a task for the week/month whatever? Plan a trip?

He just doesn’t seem to listen to your concerns. I would add in our house it would never be one of us booking something. It would be both of us. So for a holiday we would sit down, talk through the options and then book. For day trips ect we will each plan days but normally check in with the other person. Someone else has suggested it, but maybe start with individual therapy to work out what you want and go from there.

My first marriage split because of the age gap, amongst other things like his weaponised incompetence at home. As I approached 30 while he approached 40, we just weren’t compatible any more. I can’t imagine being with him now he’s over 50!

DH is 52 and is definitely more inert than he used to be, though he was always quite lazy to be fair.

I have almost the opposite problem, a 9 year age gap and the man never stops, is the driving force, gets up and does all jobs whilst ds's and I are still asleep.

And I am only 4.5/5 years younger. I am always busy and have much more energy and joie de vivre- but it was the same when we were 23 & 27.

In my circle of friends it’s definitely the women who plan the days out etc. Although they all work part time to be fair, so have more time to plan and research them. DH v rarely suggests places to go but he’s always happy to go out to things I’ve seen.

Just an idea, but I wonder if it would work to have more structure to the planning. So, for example, you agree to have a proper family day out one sat or sun a month. You both agree on the date and budget then have to take it in turns to come up with ideas / and book it. (By a deadline, he can’t just not organise it / leave it!)

It must be quite unattractive feeling like you’re dragging him round with you the whole time. It sounds like the spark has gone a bit, do you ever get any time to yourself just you two? Do you celebrate anniversaries etc? This is none of my business and I’m make assumptions but perhaps reconnecting (in the bedroom Or otherwise) would help. Easier said than done of course :)

I don’t think that leaving him would be any benefit for the kids. They will
miss out from a father just because he doesn’t plan days out. At least in daily routine he’s there and kids will remember that. What if when they grow up he steps up and he’s just thinking about these things for now. I would talk about having a day out and tell him can you arrange it because it’s just me all the time and see what he says.

I try and discuss it with him. His favourite excuse is we can't afford things. Which is true an extent as we have a massive mortgage and bills. However he doesn't seem to realise that with thought and imagination you don't need to spend a lot to have a nice time. He doesn't accept that. He says everything costs money. It's just fucking miserable.

Staring 50 in the teeth is a strange time for us all. My brother left his wife and by then grown up daughters. Some go off the rails, buy a motor bike and a pair of leather jeans. Others buy a beige cardigan with pockets for tissues and sit in the shed with a nice cup of tea. It's his age.

You're at different stages.

You could issue him a challenge - three interesting things for the family to do and for you as a couple per month chosen and organised by him. If it happens and becomes habit, brilliant.

If this doesn't happen, you have a choice. Accept this is your life from now on and it will dwindle and lose more colour as time passes. Or start considering if this truly the life you want.

This is part of it. We have very little help with the dc and consequently get no time to ourselves. We snap and bicker and the romance is pretty much dead.

But i can't get excited over someone who just brings me down so much. I'm not demanding or high maintenance. I'm just of the opinion that life is too short to sit around at home all day when there's a big world out there (and I don't mean everyday but just having things to look forward to is nice).

I have a good friend like this, and, fond though I am of him, I can see he would be awful to be married to. Since we've been friends, he's been married, divorced, had one relationship of about 18 months and is now living with someone, so I can see a pattern.

In himself, he is a low-energy, passive, routine-bound individual (and although he's 57 now, he's been like this as long as I've known him).

When he is in a new relationship, he is temporarily excited enough to be semi-dynamic, plan things, get out of his routine. Then, when the newness wears off, he returns to being someone who just wants to be at home scrolling around on his iPad on the sofa, and to whom what would be a minor routine chore for most people (taking the children swimming, buying shoes) turns into something that takes up a whole weekend, and after which he can't be expected to do anything else, because he needs to recover.

I remember once describing to him a very ordinary weekend, where I'd taken DS to his football training, DH picked up stuff from the farmer's market and cooked brunch for a couple of old friends at ours, I met my sister for a coffee and a walk, and DH and I went to see a film that night, and the day after we saw DH's parents, took a bunch of DS's friends to the beach with a couple of the other parents, did some grocery shopping and household chores -- and he kept making huffing noises of disbelief, as though I'd just climbed Everest while balancing a book on my head and learning calculus.

He also has a habit of borrowing the hobbies, friends, lifestyle of whatever woman he's in a relationship with, and when he's between relationships, he does literally nothing at all other than sit on the sofa at home, when he's not at work. He sort of goes into 'neutral mode'. He also thinks women's role in his life is to (I quote) 'keep me up to the mark'.

Unsurprisingly, women get tired of this.

My DH is exactly the same. We're both early 40s so not age related in our case. Most holidays and all social stuff / days out / holiday plans for kids are organised by me.

It drives me crazy as I mainly wfh and get so bored if I just hang out round the house for weekends and holidays.

I have tried talking to him about it a few times, he always blames money. We are really struggling for money at the mo due to paying off our house build which combined with cost of living stuff means we have very little spare cash despite both having decent jobs. However there are heaps of free / cheap things you can do, it just takes a bit more creativity. I think he's depressed which combined with being an introvert isn't a great combo.

I'd never leave him over this - I love him very much as he's a great dad and really supportive husband but I do get so bored and frustrated sometimes.

You do need to communicate about it though - maybe set him a target eg "We've got next Friday night free, you need to plan something"

Sometimes i think people can't win.
If your friend posted saying that she was fed up because her husband kept booking surprise days out when she didn't like surprises and wanted a chilled out day at home. Or that he always planned every minute of a holiday with a clear itinerary. He'd be called "controlling".

@MumblesParty well obviously there has to be some level of balance doesn't there. I wouldn't want to constantly be on the go either. But when I've communicated my feelings time and time again and nothing changes other than him sulking for a few hours it gets very wearing.

do you work OP?

OP, are you me? I feel like this too. But my DH thinks I'm controlling when I expect him to be more dynamic and involved, which has made me really insecure and unable to express my needs a lot of the time. It's rubbish and it doesn't feel like a relationship.

I work p/t (4 days out of 5) but invariably work on my day off (I'm a teacher). Despite that, I do all the housework, the gardening, mwal plan and cook 6 days out of 7, do all the driving (he hasn't learnt) and organise everything for the kids. If I complain, he sulks because I'm making him feel attacked. Then he's silent. But, he's silent anyway... I suspect ASC (our daughter's been diagnosed), so I feel like I can't really complain because he's just wired differently.

But I'm bored and lonely. He always has to nap at the weekend (I'm 49, he's 47) and he never arranges nice things for us to do. He forgot our last anniversary and if I want him to say goodnight to me, I have to say it first. I can't remember the last time he went to kiss me.

I've just been sitting here considering marriage counselling but secretly wish I could just walk away and live a kooky life in a kooky cottage by the sea alone.

I definitely think there’s a conversation to be had. Like you say it’s not about money it’s the thought. Having to be one constantly thinking of ideas isn’t fun.
Depending on childrens’ ages could you all agree to take turns and plan a day out.
What’s his reaction if you go without him? A few years ago I went abroad with dc and not him. We had a fantastic time. He’s been much keener to go on holiday since and has planned our current holiday.

Yes I work part time (27 hours)

It depends.

My DH drags his heals and finds faults in things like booking holidays, moving house or anything outside of routine and daily norms that should be exciting/fun/big step... hes anxious and possibly has mild autism. Its irritating but an annoying 'quirk' of him I live with it.

I however could not live with someone actually 'boring', as in someone I can not hold a conversation with etc... as thats my line in the sand and I have dumped ex's for that before. I NEED to be able to comunicate light heartedly with my partner or else Id be climbing the walls. The moody, serious, strong and silent types are NOT for me at all.

I go out without him to fitness classes and to see friends. Not as often as I'd like but he's ok with it.

I love the idea of going away alone but with the little one I need all the help I can get! I think the current mood between us is so bad that some time apart might be a good thing though. I resent him, he resents me, we snap and argue, then sulky and silent. It's not good for anyone. And it annoys me that it's all down to the fact that I actually want to live life.

I kind of get his perspective. I’m not overly keen on “days out”. What kind of days or trips are you wanting to do? Alton Towers or Legoland are not my idea of fun, I know the DC tend to like it but I have to force myself to go places like that. Also are your kids hard work on day trips? We generally prefer to go to places for a couple of hours rather than all day, so we don’t spend a fortune in a cafe or have to have yet another packed lunch (I spend all week making them and really can’t be arsed to make them at the weekends too). We are busy during the week with work/preschool/school etc and we pay a lot of money to live in a nice home so I like to enjoy it at the weekend rather than spend all day in and out. Maybe he’s just a homebird and that’s ok. Not everyone has to enjoy days out.

It sounds like marriage guidance counselling might help OP. Would you consider that?