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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Introverts are selfish

114 replies

Opti46 · 09/08/2023 09:58

Aibu to feel introverts are selfish? I am speaking as an introvert who doesn’t like to attend large gatherings, finds socialising difficult and exhausting etc.. but I can’t help feeling selfish as if I just stay in and keep myself to myself it means I don’t attend any family/work/social gatherings.

OP posts:
Frabbits · 09/08/2023 10:00

As much as extroverts are loud, obnoxious arseholes.

Fairly obviously, people don't have control over their personality traits.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/08/2023 10:00

The selfish feeling is triggered by extroverts who enjoy these and try annd make you feel guilty.

Nevermay · 09/08/2023 10:01

Of course not, introverts should do what they are happy with, and extroverts do what they are happy with, no one is being selfish

Dotjones · 09/08/2023 10:02

Clearly YABU. If anything extroverts are selfish because they inflict themselves on others whether they like it or not. Introverts shouldn't feel pressure to "perform" for others on demand.

For me as an individual I don't think I'm selfish if I am quiet or avoid an event because it's not like I'd have anything worth saying and nobody would miss me anyway. So it's not selfish me not attending, if anything it's the opposite - I'm doing them a favour by being absent.

Basketballqueen · 09/08/2023 10:02

No, if you like you're own company then you do, that's not selfish. Being selfish is putting your own needs first every time regardless of circumstances.
I have a very introvert friend, but he still takes his kids to sports and activities or parties even though he hats having to interact with the parents.

MelonsOnSaleAgain · 09/08/2023 10:05

I’m an extrovert. Classic one, I get totally recharged being around people. I don’t think introverts are selfish. Not at all.

My friends who are introverted just need something different to me to fully enjoy stuff. The joy of them is that they’re happy going to stuff with just me and I get to recharge with them and find out what’s going on.

This only falls apart when expectations are unfair and unbalanced. My introvert pals will come to group events where they can, in return I happily make plans that suit them that are quieter a large amount of the time.

if you’re being made to feel selfish because of who you are, then the problem is your friends and family. Not you.

Elepunt · 09/08/2023 10:06

No you aren't being selfish, I think both introverts and extroverts need to sometimes compromise and push their comfort zones if they want to maintain friendships etc though, or if they have children it's important to still take them out.

StaySpicy · 09/08/2023 10:06

You're not selfish for doing what you want. I'm sure no one else really cares whether you're there or not (if you know what I mean, I don't mean that in a horrible way). People don't go to parties and gatherings for all kinds of reasons. I wouldn't consider anyone selfish if they didn't want to go. I think you're assuming other people are thinking about you more than they probably are. If that makes sense.

Just go if you want to and don't if you don't.

Rivermedway · 09/08/2023 10:07

No, you are not selfish. It’s just that you have a different outlook on life.

whats right for one person isn’t right for the next.

mrlistersgelfbride · 09/08/2023 10:11

No, I think extraverts are more selfish by talking too much and making people listen to them.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 09/08/2023 10:12

Introverts can recognise there are times in life whenyou need to put your personal feelings of discomfort to the side and occasionally socialise. Not all the time but sometimes.

Extroverts can also recognise that there are times when you need to pipe down and let others speak or provide an environment where others feel comfortable.

In both cases it's called being a grown up. Neither is bad but complete inflexibility with is a bit knob like whoever it is

Rewis · 09/08/2023 10:12

I don't think people really understand e
Introvert and extrovert and use those terms to justify bad behaviour.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 09/08/2023 10:13

MelonsOnSaleAgain · 09/08/2023 10:05

I’m an extrovert. Classic one, I get totally recharged being around people. I don’t think introverts are selfish. Not at all.

My friends who are introverted just need something different to me to fully enjoy stuff. The joy of them is that they’re happy going to stuff with just me and I get to recharge with them and find out what’s going on.

This only falls apart when expectations are unfair and unbalanced. My introvert pals will come to group events where they can, in return I happily make plans that suit them that are quieter a large amount of the time.

if you’re being made to feel selfish because of who you are, then the problem is your friends and family. Not you.

This

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 09/08/2023 10:14

No I don't think so , I think the beauty of families is you are accepted warts and all . If friends and work colleagues can't accept and like you as you are they are selfish.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/08/2023 10:22

Elepunt · 09/08/2023 10:06

No you aren't being selfish, I think both introverts and extroverts need to sometimes compromise and push their comfort zones if they want to maintain friendships etc though, or if they have children it's important to still take them out.

Yes, this. It’s important to keep up the “practice” of socialising. It’s a skill that you can learn a bit even if you’re an introvert. Eventually you will NEED to interact in a group, for the sake of someone else, and if you have refused to go anywhere for years then you’re just going to find that more difficult and stressful than it needs to be.

I’m thinking things like an elderly parent having a big birthday party where you know a lot of the people or even if you don’t , your parent wants to introduce you to their friends etc.

of course, the obvious thing is a parent’s funeral. That is the time when you will simply HAVE to suck it up and speak to people. It really is very rude to ignore guests at a wake and to sit in a corner on your own only talking to one or two other guests so you have no choice but to interact.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/08/2023 10:26

Dotjones · 09/08/2023 10:02

Clearly YABU. If anything extroverts are selfish because they inflict themselves on others whether they like it or not. Introverts shouldn't feel pressure to "perform" for others on demand.

For me as an individual I don't think I'm selfish if I am quiet or avoid an event because it's not like I'd have anything worth saying and nobody would miss me anyway. So it's not selfish me not attending, if anything it's the opposite - I'm doing them a favour by being absent.

you clearly have an issue with self-esteem. EVERYONE has something worth saying.

Lyricallie · 09/08/2023 10:27

I agree with a previous poster who said it can be used to justify bad behaviour on both sides. I’m a classic extrovert and sure I get disappointed when my introverted friends cancel last minute etc. but I’m never rude about it as they’re my friends. I think as long as there is give and take and compromises can be made.

CoffeeCantata · 09/08/2023 10:27

I'll get flamed for saying this, but here goes.

I'm an introvert but people laugh when I tell them that, or that I'm very shy. I've always had to be a 'front of house person' in my work when really (if those Morison aptitude tests had been available in my schooldays) I'm by nature a back-room boffin. In those days the culture was very much "Just get on with it - like it or lump it!" and the idea that you were allowed to get out of things because you were shy wasn't acceptable.

So I suppose I faked it till I made it and find it ironic when people think I'm confident and even extrovert. Just occasionally I have to be open with people and tell them I can't do certain activities - but that's only come in recent years with the more accepting attitude and openness about these things. For example, my hobby often involves tours (choir) of several days' duration. Even though I'm on the committee and really am expected to go (I sense disapproval that I don't) I've had to explain that I just can't cope with being with a large crowd of people for 5 days without a lot of down-time. The organiser also asked me to share a room with a complete stranger and was stunned when I said no! The thought of being with 70 not-very-close people for 5 days and not having at least a single room to retreat to would have driven me crazy.

If it was for work (and I have had to do this kind of thing for work) then I'd suck it up and go, but not for a hobby. My work excursions cost me dearly in terms of stress and took a good week or so to get over. Extroverts maybe wouldn't understand this.

IamfeelingConfused · 09/08/2023 10:28

introverts are often introverts as they have sensory and social issues and find social situations draining. I have inattentive adhd - I have to work harder to read body language signals of people I don't know well - and harder to make small talk.

Pista41 · 09/08/2023 10:32

Most introverts find a balance (I’m one).

But no, I’ve literally only now become to get rid of the guilt that I need to ringfence alone time as well and can’t do everything - the message that it’s selfish is an awful one to spread IMO.

You could equally argue it’s selfish for extroverts to guilt trip people into doing everything they want to do!

pollykitty · 09/08/2023 10:32

I don’t know if selfish is the right word. I do think if you are avoiding all gatherings on the claim of being introverted then you need to suck it up and stop being an ahole. I am 100% introverted but know that it’s not ok to miss a family wedding or my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary or a friend’s birthday drinks unless I have a very good excuse. It’s not the same as just declining a random night out or drinks at the pub after work. I’m tired of people wjo are actually socially avoidant of saying they are introverted. Introversion doesn’t mean you avoid everything all of the time.

Gettinagoldtoof · 09/08/2023 10:32

Obviously it’s a bit of a rude thing to say. But I’m going to say something that could upset too. As someone who has learned to be an extrovert I can’t help but think there’s something in this.

If someone is very shy it’s because they care what others think. If they could realise the world didn’t revolve around them, they might see that other people are actually more bothered by themselves and that they’re not that important and come out of their shell a bit. Learning to be outgoing and confident takes realisation that you’re just not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Being with someone who is painfully shy and anxious about how they come across can be very boring.

theyareonlynoodlesmichael · 09/08/2023 10:34

Introvert doesnt mean quiet, and extrovert doesnt mean loud. This is such a common misconception.

Gettinagoldtoof · 09/08/2023 10:35

theyareonlynoodlesmichael · 09/08/2023 10:34

Introvert doesnt mean quiet, and extrovert doesnt mean loud. This is such a common misconception.

Agree with this. But there is a real blur, isn’t there. Extroverts get their energy from being around people and introverts from being alone.

Sigmama · 09/08/2023 10:36

Surely everyone has to compromise sometimes, be they introvert or extrovert, in order to get along with others