Introverts are selfish

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Aibu to feel introverts are selfish? I am speaking as an introvert who doesn’t like to attend large gatherings, finds socialising difficult and exhausting etc.. but I can’t help feeling selfish as if I just stay in and keep myself to myself it means I don’t attend any family/work/social gatherings.

Not selfish to manage your energy levels, but selfish perhaps if your only parameter is your own comfort and you never push yourself or put yourself out for anyone else's sake.

Building and maintaining connections is also really important for long term mental health.

Also I think that if we want to call on society for healthcare, security, amenities then we need to engage and contribute to it in some degree, if we can.

I think both can be selfish, extroverts can push people into doing things they are not comfortable with and introverts can use it an excuse to not show up for people and let people down.

Hopefully most people find a balance. I’m more of an extrovert, my best friend is an introvert so when we get together she just comes over to mine for dinner or I go to hers for dinner, I don’t push her into coming to big group events with other friends or going out to bars etc. She also always shows up for important events, like hen parties, weddings, birthdays etc.

This sounds exactly like me. I've learned to do events and people etc but I need lots of down time in between.

Incidentally I think it's odd to frame either extroverts or introverts as 'selfish' - they are who they are. If you're conflating toxic behaviours with those traits, that's what the problem is, not the introvert/extrovert personality type.

Many extroverts are kind and empathetic. Some are not. Some introverts are also kind and empathetic. Some are not.

I’m naturally introverted but many people are surprised when I say that because I’m very social with I’m with the right people.
If I feel comfortable then I love socialising but equally I adore taking time out in my own space.

Friends who know me well will poke me outside of my comfort zone but won’t ever push me too hard.

Though possibly what goes against what sone people think makes an introvert, I genuinely don’t care what random people think of me. I do weigh people open before I open myself up but really if you don’t like me, I don’t care.

I'm an introvert and love my own company. My ideal weekend is one where I have no social plans at all.

But yes, if you shy away from friends and family forever, that is selfish really. Relationships require nurture and shouldn't be taken for granted. So if there's an occasional family party, I might not be wild with excitement over it, but will push myself to go for my loved ones.

I know this sounds morbid, but I do wonder if I'll one day regret my lack of effort

Nope

Right, because that's not a generalisation

Yes. And not everything is clear cut because our brains are complex. I am an introvert but I do love a good party. Even extroverts sometimes want to spend some downtime alone. Its not constantly 'You are wither X or Y and there is no in between.'

I'm a long term introvert because of hearing problems. It's been much later in life that I realised I had a problem with my hearing and got hearing aids, which help, but don't fully cure the problem.

When I was a teen, I thought it was normal not be to able to hear/understand the lyrics of a song, or not to be able to hear other people talking at a loud event such as a party or disco. My default become just to smile and nod when someone was trying to talk to me. It wasn't necessarily all about it being loud either, sometimes I couldn't cope when in a group of people all talking at pretty normal volume - couldn't "tune myself in" to anyone, so just sat there silent and disengaged when everyone else to chatting away. I also got bad headaches etc in loud places and would often have to excuse myself and leave early.

I was too young to understand at that time that it was all about my hearing problems. I got into the behaviour/habit of being pretty anti social. Even at work, I hated offices with several people in as I couldn't concentrate with the perpetual background noise. I was fine in a 1-2-1 situation with other staff or clients, but I'd struggle in even a small meeting with just 3 or 4 people. I just never realised it was because I could hear one other person clearly in a quiet place, could concentrate on what they were saying, and inter-act properly, which are things I couldn't do with more people.

I now know it was all down to the hearing loss and I'm starting to build up social confidence again, now that my hearing aids improve the problem. Still not good in loud situations, such as a big party or football match etc where there's lots of people talking around me and background noise, etc., but I'm getting better at relatively smaller/quieter groups where I can actually hear what they're saying most of the time and can participate.

Because I could hear people on a 1-2-1 basis, it never twigged to me that I had a hearing problem.

I don't believe extroverts make introverts feel guilty. Introverts should own their feelings. And hold their head up about them.

I wouldn't say introverts are selfish, they are doing what they feel comfortable with. But on the flip side I find it annoying when they want to be included socially without doing any of the heavy lifting in terms of hosting or contributing to conversation.

To be honest, your opening post and your thread title makes me a bit angry. I know you are kind of playing devil's advocate, and that it is yourself that you are criticising. But I don't think it is very helpful to project your own self-lacerations onto objective reality - i.e. to represent your subjective feelings of guilt as if they were evidence of an objective reality of selfishness.

Whether someone is introverted or extroverted their social behaviour can be selfish or unselfish or somewhere in between, depending on how well they monitor their behaviour, empathise with others' needs and adapt as far as is reasonable/possible to accommodate others in a compromise that suits everyone.

But introverts are more lilely to be experiencing significant mental pain throughout this process of monitoring, empathy and compromise. Which deserves a bit of compassion.

There is probably an element of selfishness to anyone doing what they enjoy most. Be that going out and being extroverted, or staying in/quiet. But then who would enjoy life if they didn't choose to do what they actually like? And why should anyone not enjoy life?

The only selfish person in a bad way would be someone who told someone to do things they don't enjoy just because they want them to. So if the introvert told their extrovert friend to not attend an event and stay at home with them and read books, if if the extrovert tried to convince the extrovert to go to a busy event because they want them there. In those instances their selfishness would be negative for others, but just doing what you enjoy most I think is healthy

Yes introverts are selfish, but what’s wrong with doing what’s best for yourself?

I do think people should make an effort to see the people they love etc but why put yourself in a position that takes a massive toll on your MH regularly just to please others.

There's a space in the world for every type. I am definitely more on the introverted side. I can and do 'make the effort', but I suppose I would like a bit of understanding when I can't. I have plenty to say and can certainly communicate, but afterwards I just need to be alone to decompress because I find it all mentally tiring. Sometimes I don't have the energy to put myself through it, so I guess I pick and choose a bit. The thing is, people can get irritated when you don't want to go to some social event, but unless my absence means someone else loses out - say on a lift or something - then I honestly don't see how I'll be missed.

I’m an introvert and I’ve been made to feel guilty.

I suggest you go on Pinterest and search Introvert, they have so many articles, memes, some serious and some funny. It will restore your faith in being who you are.

I'm an introvert and don't think I'm selfish. I do a lot for other people. I do socialise abd enjoy family gatherings but even if I didn't, I don't think it's hugely selfish to avoid situations that make you uncomfortable.

Not selfish at all. You have to do what is best for your own well-being and mental health. Otherwise we break, we feel anxious, we lose ourselves.. And then who are we good for?
Me recharging means I am good for the next social occurrence.

Of course not.
I read one hateful post once that shy people are just attention seekers!!😀
You are who you are,don't apologise for it.

And? I'm an introvert. I rarely socialise. Who cares? The other people at these work/family/social gatherings don't miss me, I certainly don't miss going. Where on earth is the selfishness? They aren't sitting there miserable because I'm not there - the only selfishness would be if they tried to pressure me into doing something I hate. Which i am too self contained to give in to, so it doesn't happen. They have a good time, I enjoy my own company. Win-win!

No, both introverts and extraverts need to attend to their needs.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re selfish at all. Unless it’s to the extent that you would step over somebody on fire because you can’t face phoning 999. But I’m guessing you wouldn’t do that!

I agree with this.

I’m somewhere between introvert and extrovert. I enjoy my own company, but I also really like socialising with family, and friends I care about, and who I know care about me.

I now try my best to avoid things where I feel it’s going to be hard work and mostly unenjoyable, eg work events with people I barely know. At the same time, I’ve been to many occasions, eg weddings, over the years where I think you just have to suck it up.

Exactly. I seem to have just said this on another thread.

What you are describing, OP is someone who doesn’t like socialising. Or, possibly, is lazy about socialising.

I don’t think your choices are at all ‘selfish’, more that (as indicated by the huge numbers of Mners who get into their pyjamas at 5 pm, regard the school run, a knock at the door, or an invitation with horror and suspicion), getting out of the habit risks making your life very small, unvaried and under-peopled as people stop inviting you or get used to assuming you’re not up for anything that involves leaving the house.

That may be fine as far as you’re concerned, obviously, but I can’t help thinking it’s a pretty prescriptive and unhelpful model of friendships to offer children, if you have them. So many posts on here are about children struggling with friendships, and one of the questions that comes to mind is ‘What attitude to friendships did you model for them?’

No, I don't think so, it's just how you are wired.

I'm introvert but I don't dislike people, quite the opposite but I just cannot socialize like most people. I can talk to anyone one on one or a few but in groups I'm likely to fall silent.

I'm quite content staying at home but the problem is you can get stuck in that mode so I have to force myself to go out sometimes, or force myself to go to an event. Sometimes I'm okay at the event and other times I'm counting down to when I can return to peace.

Always been more of a loner. I don't have friends really, I would like friends but I find it hard making them and I also don't necessarily feel the need to see people either so bit conflicted. Most people seem to really like me but I've never really made true friendships, not even as a child.

Can rely on me though, I would be there or do anything for anyone... it's just hard actually knowing people in the first place.