Introverts are selfish

[Opti46]

Aibu to feel introverts are selfish? I am speaking as an introvert who doesn’t like to attend large gatherings, finds socialising difficult and exhausting etc.. but I can’t help feeling selfish as if I just stay in and keep myself to myself it means I don’t attend any family/work/social gatherings.

@Opti46 You're massively overthinking this unless you have evidence that others have critiqued your absence from such events. Also you mention what others are thinking. How can we possibly know what others are thinking? We only know what people say or do.

They absolutely are. As are extroverts. As are most people. Being selfish is a good thing.

Neither is selfish, you can't help what energises you (or doesnt). But if anyone is selfish it's extraverts because they force themselves upon introverts, whereas introverts mind their own business enabling extroverts to have a lovely happy time yammering to each other.

I think it would be really arrogant if I were to assume that people are so desperate for me to attend their gathering that it would be ‘selfish’ for me not to go. It’s not like I’d be somehow doing them some kind of favour by gracing them with my presence. I’m a reasonably entertaining guest, but I’d assume that the other invitees would be too, so it’s not like the evening would be less enjoyable without me. Therefore it’s not selfish if I decline a invitation.

Sometimes I go to things. Sometimes I don’t. I don’t sit there at home fretting about it and feeling guilty for not going.

Yawn. You are not going to be able to tell the difference between an extrovert and a well-rested introvert who’s had enough recharging solo time in a social situation. One is as likely to ‘yammer’ as the other. Plenty of sociable, socially-confident introverts. I am one. Several other posters have said the same.

It’s lazy to equate introversion with quietness, shyness, unwillingness to socialise. Most of the time on Mn, when people throw around the term ‘introvert’, what they mean is someone who is shy, socially-anxious or simply doesn’t like socialising.

I'm just about the most introverted person I know. I'd never see anyone except my immediate family given the choice - and I'd be perfectly happy.

That said, I've got good social skills and I'm socially very confident. However, when I really need to retreat, I'm upfront about it. I'm MUCH better at asserting my boundaries as I get older.

My DD is a true extrovert. She is completely energised by other people. We can go somewhere together, and she bounces home, in her element, while I'm a polite husk, desperate for solitude

I’d rather someone stayed home than came out when not feeling up for company. Not exactly selfless to go a nice party/dinner and scowl at family and friends! Guess it depends if you can fake wanting to be wherever it is: seems a waste of time to me?

My daughter is an introvert. She does go out on occasion, but one evening in a pub and that's her done for the next six months!
I think instead of trying to get introverts out of their comfort zone extroverts could try getting out of theirs to make things more pleasant for introverts!

How can being an introvert be selfish? It just means you recharge your energy by being alone... being with people drains it. It does not mean being shy, rude, stand-offish, antisocial etc and all the other crap that people think introversion is.
The social butterfly at a party that you see flitting between people and having a grand old time could be an introvert.

What nonsense. Since when is one obliged to attend all these gatherings? Why is it always other people's desire to socialise in large, loud groups that's given priority? What do you owe them? What's wrong with the word NO?

How can being an introvert be selfish? It just means you recharge your energy by being alone... being with people drains it. It does not mean being shy, rude, stand-offish, antisocial etc and all the other crap that people think introversion is.
The social butterfly at a party that you see flitting between people and having a grand old time could be an introvert.

Agree with this.

This is me, I really struggle with small talk. I just cannot think of things to say once I’ve exhausted the usual things. I’m thinking about what to say constantly, however by the time something comes to me the moment has often passed. My memory is poor which doesn’t help, and I’ll often get back home and remember something I could have said - yes I also replay conversations and dwell on them later. If I’m meeting a friend I often write down a list of things to ask them beforehand, and read it just before we meet. I also struggle with hearing if there’s background noise or if people speak quietly which doesn’t help either.

Ha yes. im actually at my best in the ‘brand new environment’, get a bit of adrenaline from it, feel socially really good.

Then next time I see everyone I’ve lost that adrenaline and energy, and lapse in to my natural introvert style. I often wonder where that initial boost comes from. It does me wonders in one-off networking situations.

After 15 years of struggling in different workplaces, I set up my own business. For an introvert, that sounds crazy, but I had confidence in my knowledge and abilities. I set it up to play to my strengths. Everyone says you need to network etc but I didn’t do any at all - kept away from networking groups etc., as that kind of thing wasn’t me and I wasn’t looking for extroverted clients. I set up my own websites (written in my own words as myself, not corporate speak) and built up contacts via online chat rooms, forums, etc., which are obviously more populated by introverts rather than extraverts. By doing that, most of my clients are quieter kinds in quieter trades, professions etc., so meetings are very rare. When I took on staff, I looked for quieter types and it worked well. I have no problems managing people, no problems with liaising with clients, etc. It’s worked well for 20 years! At the heart of it is to avoid the exhausting meetings with lots of people, avoiding “loud” people as far as possible, etc. It CAN be done. Being successful in business doesn’t have to mean embracing the loud/extraverted routes!