Introverts are selfish

[Opti46]

Aibu to feel introverts are selfish? I am speaking as an introvert who doesn’t like to attend large gatherings, finds socialising difficult and exhausting etc.. but I can’t help feeling selfish as if I just stay in and keep myself to myself it means I don’t attend any family/work/social gatherings.

This. It doesn’t mean locking yourself away and only communicating to people by passing notes. We’ve probably all known people who love being surrounded by people all the time and don’t like ‘alone’ time and then there are people who still like being with people but for shorter spurts and need to recharge by spending alone time.

I don't think being introverted is inherently selfish, no. Unless, as stated by previous posters, you never make any effort to attend social occasions. I'm definitely introverted - enjoy my own company and need time alone to recharge. However I will always try to attend events like weddings, birthdays etc that are important to people.

A lot of introverts are neurodiverse and social events cause them great distress.

I guess walking is a skill but a lot of people have mobility issues. We don't tell physically disabled people they are rude if they don't try to walk...

I’m an introvert and as I’ve got older (now mid 40s) I won’t do anything I feel uncomfortable doing. Thankfully dh isn’t in contact with any of his family and my Mum- who I didn’t have a great relationship with- was the only member of mine and she’s now dead, so I don’t have to worry about going to any family gatherings. There’s literally just me, dh and our two dc, one aged 11 who has complex needs and one aged 20 who is the total opposite to us and very extroverted, at university and out partying all the time. I won’t put myself through social events etc because I just don’t enjoy them. I have one friend I occasionally meet for coffee and that’s enough socialising for me. Maybe that is a little selfish of me but then on the other hand I think life is short and I’m not actively hurting anyone, I just won’t go to stuff.

But you see if you’re a true introvert you actually don’t care if people think you’re rude because hopefully that means you won’t ever have to see them again anyway 🙈😆

If my parent wanted to have a big birthday party then good for them but I wouldn’t be going.

Funerals - I’d go but then leave straight afterwards or just sit on my own with dh. Couldn’t really care less what a bunch of people I’m not likely to ever see again thought of me.

I’m an extrovert but am with an introvert, and a lot of my best friends are introverts.

I do find some selfish tendencies sometimes due to personality type. A few examples are that I am always expected to initiate conversation, be that in a shop, with a workman, or at a party, the expectation is that I will ‘keep things moving’. That’s fine most of the time, but I sometimes do think introverts rely on their introversion to get out of difficult social scenarios and make the very false assumption that extroverts find everything super easy and never feel discomfort or self consciousness in social situations.

Find other extroverts to be with... the introverts will take care of themselves.

I'm ND and an introvert.

I'm not selfish - I just can't cope with too much peopleing

Sorry we upset you

I don't think introverts (or extroverts) are by nature selfish...as long as they're fair. If you don't enjoy socialising that's fine but don't dictate when your partner can/can't go to a party, likewise don't complain that nobody includes you in stuff. If you live with someone it's tricky but I tend to think if one partner doesn't like overnight visitors for example, they shouldnt have to endure them or be forced to sit in the living room all day with your parents. The same applies to children,however you can't ban friends from the house (if you share).
Have you been told you're selfish or are you feeling particularly guilty about something?

I don’t think introverts are necessarily selfish as a whole, but they can certainly behave selfishly. As can extroverts.

I get a bit tired of introverts who expect you to do all the conversational heavy lifting though.

It's not always that though, not in my case although I'm pretty sure I am ND.

For me I can talk to people but I really struggle to keep a conversation going and often I really do not know what to say. So, at times I'm aware I should be saying something, it's awkward but I'm racing through my head of thinking what to say...and by the time I've thought of something it's apparently been a fairly long time and they've said something else and I start over again.

However, talking to someone who's familiar or has the same interests it's less of a problem but still there to an extent.

Not selfish at all. Speaking as a fellow introvert. 😊

I don't think introverts are selfish. As adults whose actions largely impact ourselves, we can choose how we spend our time. Practice makes perfect, though, so obviously someone who avoids social situations is going to be less skilled at, and therefore comfortable in, socialising than those who enjoy the company of other people.

I do think introverts have to be careful about how they parent, though. Especially in parenting young children. If you don't have friends over, allow or facilitate playdates or bother with parties because YOU don't enjoy them, then you are limiting your children's opportunities to learn how to get along with others and enjoy their company in social situations.

This. Socially competent, caring grown ups all realise that our personal preferences shouldn't always come first.

I'm an introvert in a relationship of 14 years with an extrovert and in the past I've often 'pushed' myself to be more sociable etc because he wanted me to be there with him...but since entering perimenopause that's stopped. In the last week I've had to say to him 'stop trying to make me do something I don't want to'...he was trying to get me to socialize with people I don't know for my upcoming birthday.

That was a few days ago and I still feel guilty about enforcing my boundary. It's unfair because I would never 'force' him to stay in so why can't it be the other way around?

People think introverted means shy or quiet and it doesn't. I'm an introvert who had a public facing job for years. My workmates used to get confused (and sometimes quite unpleasant) when I didn't want to go to social events, saying things like "You can't be shy, you've just given a lecture to 500 people". But that was the whole point. I would be drained after giving a lecture to 500 people and as an introvert the way I needed to recharge my batteries was to go for a long bike ride or a walk. Or listen to some music or read a book. Alone. Going to a noisy pub with a lot of people - even if I like those people very much - would exhaust me totally. Yes, sometimes I have to force myself to attend social things that I hate, but when I have the choice, I don't go. Is that selfish? Maybe. But is it any different to the extroverts who get their energy from being with lots of people? They're doing what suits them, I'm doing what suits me. The only difference is that I don't actually mind what the extroverts in my life do. They can party all night if they want. As long as I don't have to be there, why would I care? I never go on at them about the joys of a long solo bike ride in the country, tell them they are missing out and need to do such things. Nor do I tell them there's something wrong with them or ask if they are mentally ill or in some kind of abusive relationship if they don't like being alone. But I have had all those things and more said to me when I have declined post work drinks.

I don’t think it’s selfish at all. Also don’t think you skipping work events has any impact on anyone else, unless they were a client thing you were meant to attend or something - but it’s not selfish to skip the Xmas party!

I only think it would become potentially selfish if introverted traits could impact a child, i.e parents not wanting to take their kids to clubs/parties but the kid does and so they miss out. But most introverts I know will push through for the benefit of their children.

You are only selfish if you want people to attend your things and birthdays and gatherings and so on, but you refuse to go to theirs. If that's not the case then no you're not selfish.

No of course not. Introverts are well within their rights to have limits to the amount of large gatherings they want to attend. It's insane to say yes to everything, even if you don't want to do it.

But as PPs have said some compromise is essential. You don't have to be the life and soul but every now and then you need to suck it up and show willing. Completely opting out of any social contact at all isn't going to improve your life.

It’s only selfish if it means all of your relationships are based around your needs rather than a compromise of meeting that persons needs in the middle sometimes.

Repeatedly missing good friends / family milestone birthdays or weddings etc because you’d rather stay home and watch tv to me is selfish.

Choosing to not go to a random works night out because it’s not your vibe - perfectly reasonable.

Exactly! You can have introverts who are very sociable and enjoy being around other people (but need more time to 'regroup' and regain energy alone afterwards), and conversely quiet, reserved extroverts who love being out in social groups, but aren't loud. Introversion/extroversion is about where your energy comes from, not how much you like socialising.

A lot of people think introverts are all socially anxious, and that's just not true! What a lot of people deceive as introversion is a level of social anxiety and shyness, not introversion.

I say all this as an introvert with diagnosed social anxiety, incidentally! But my sister is a confident, loud, can-always-make-conversation type of person, yet when she hits her limit she needs alone time to recover - she's still an introvert!

In answer to the question, no, introverts aren't any more selfish than extroverts, it's all about balance and compromise.

Thanks for all the messages! I think selfish is probably the wrong word but from people who are neither introverted or extroverted it can be seen as selfish.

A few comments really resonated with me around both terms can be used to justify bad behaviour on both sides. This leads to mis-understandings and people thinking that ‘you’re just getting out of going somewhere/attending something’

Bang on. It's tiresome

There is one behaviour that introverts engage which I find mind-blowing in its selfishness- saying “When can we leave?” as you are on the way out to a social function.

A sentence designed to let others know that their nice time is a wound to the introvert. Never again! You can leave early, but not at my expense.

Otherwise, we only need to persuade people that having a conversation is not the same as “loud and obnoxious” and that being less introverted than thou is not a character failing.

Indeed. A lot of extroverts who at first come across as "fun" are basically selfish people who bully others in doing stuff without considering their needs/limitations. You know the type,"come on you will enjoy it","don't be a party pooper". It's all about them and what they want to do.