Page 4 | Introverts are selfish

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 13:29

@Opti46

A few comments really resonated with me around both terms can be used to justify bad behaviour on both sides. This leads to mis-understandings and people thinking that ‘you’re just getting out of going somewhere/attending something’

I think to answer your question another way sometimes people do use being an introvert as an excuse not to do stuff they can't be arsed to do. But they could just as easily be using any other excuse (I'm skint, I'm tired, I'm double-booked). Being an introvert has become more socially acceptable these days so people are probably more likely to use it as an excuse than in the past.

But that doesn't mean that some people with introvert tendencies don't have valid reasons to not want to do big social things sometimes.

tattygrl · 09/08/2023 13:39

No. There are myriad things we all bring to the world. Being outgoing and sociable is just one.

CruCru · 09/08/2023 13:39

Depends. I have known people who cancel on others at short notice (because “they are introverts”) but who are then upset when others don’t put lots of effort into attending their stuff. Those people are self absorbed but not necessarily introverted.

I am fairly introverted. It just means that, when I’ve had a lot of people around, I need some time to myself afterwards. As far as I can tell, true extroverts (people who don’t need any time to recharge after a lot of social stuff) are quite rare.

JibbaJab · 09/08/2023 13:44

I think people can use it for own gain in a way at times or they are also selfish with it just like anyone else.

I don't particularly feel the need to go to events or see people but I will because it means something to them. So although at an event after a while I'll be overwhelmed and ready to leave, I wouldn't say anything or moan about or ask when we can leave but in my head I'm waiting and I'll ride through it because everyone else is having a good time, I won't spoil that.

I'm also quite happy with the fact other people are having fun, I don't feel like I need to be talking all the time. I may be observing more than contributing but just being there and seeing others enjoyment is enough for me to feel happy there too.

I think those who openly say things about leaving are perhaps just selfish in general.

QueefQueen80s · 09/08/2023 13:47

MrsAvocet · 09/08/2023 12:52

People think introverted means shy or quiet and it doesn't. I'm an introvert who had a public facing job for years. My workmates used to get confused (and sometimes quite unpleasant) when I didn't want to go to social events, saying things like "You can't be shy, you've just given a lecture to 500 people". But that was the whole point. I would be drained after giving a lecture to 500 people and as an introvert the way I needed to recharge my batteries was to go for a long bike ride or a walk. Or listen to some music or read a book. Alone. Going to a noisy pub with a lot of people - even if I like those people very much - would exhaust me totally. Yes, sometimes I have to force myself to attend social things that I hate, but when I have the choice, I don't go. Is that selfish? Maybe. But is it any different to the extroverts who get their energy from being with lots of people? They're doing what suits them, I'm doing what suits me. The only difference is that I don't actually mind what the extroverts in my life do. They can party all night if they want. As long as I don't have to be there, why would I care? I never go on at them about the joys of a long solo bike ride in the country, tell them they are missing out and need to do such things. Nor do I tell them there's something wrong with them or ask if they are mentally ill or in some kind of abusive relationship if they don't like being alone. But I have had all those things and more said to me when I have declined post work drinks.

Yes when I'm out and about I'm very chatty, outgoing, talk to strangers etc, but need to get home sharpish and shut the world out. I don't seek others company, they seek me out.
Definitely not shy!

DrSad · 09/08/2023 13:56

Crazy generalisation. Lots of introverts go to family events even though they don't enjoy them, precisely because they are not selfish. And on the other end of the scale, not enjoying big gatherings doesn't make you selfish, does it? Say it's your sister's birthday and you just pop in to say hello instead of staying for the whole BBQ, but you get her a nice card and organise a way of celebrating just the two of you. That's not selfish. Using the fact that you are "introverted" to avoid all family responsibilities is selfish, but I don't know that many people like that.

FarmGirl78 · 09/08/2023 13:58

What? Give over. That's like saying extroverts are selfish in going out and socialising just because they want to go out and socialise. It seems so simple to me I've re-read the question twice incase I'm missing something. You like going out? Go out. You like staying in? Stay in.

shams05 · 09/08/2023 14:10

I agree that maybe selfish is not the right word. As an introvert I find myself spending a lot of time worrying about the effect my actions might have on others.
Much more than those self assured extroverts who seem to just expect everyone to enjoy what they enjoy.
You can't change who you are, you can only act considerately and ensure you're not upsetting anyone.

MrsAvocet · 09/08/2023 15:14

I have got bolder about being honest about not wanting to do things as I have got older. I used to make up lots of excuses as to why I couldn't go to social events etc as I was always anxious about upsetting people. But now, whilst I wouldn't say I don't care, I am far less bothered about feeling I have to conform to other people's expectations. In the past I would have made excuses abour prior engagements or childcare issues (which I am sure nobody believed half the time anyway) but now I am confident just to say "No thanks, not really my thing. Have a good time everyone" and I actually think it's better all round.

Winederlust · 10/08/2023 21:16

I do think most people fundamentally misunderstand what 'introvert' and 'extrovert' actually mean. They're not the same as being social or anti-social (which can be associated with either) or being shy or outgoing.
I'm quite shy, but also I feed off other people's energies so will be more gregarious if I'm around those types of people, and a lot of people may probably describe me as outgoing. But I do better in smaller groups and can struggle in larger ones. Plus it does take me a while to 'recharge' after these experiences, which is an introvert trait.
I do think people use being 'introverted' as a synonym for 'can't be arsed' which is pretty selfish imo.

Winederlust · 10/08/2023 21:27

And all the rubbish on this thread that introverts don't enjoy social situations. It's generalisation and nonsense.

FatOaf · 10/08/2023 21:29

but I can’t help feeling selfish as if I just stay in and keep myself to myself it means I don’t attend any family/work/social gatherings.

How is that selfish? I stay away from family/work/social gatherings so the extroverts can enjoy them. They would enjoy them less if I were there, and I wouldn't enjoy them at all, so if I stay away everyone is happier.

Pontiouspilate · 10/08/2023 21:39

You feel you’re depriving others of your sparkling company?

also, being introvert doesn’t mean not wanting to socialise in any way.

TregunaMekoides · 10/08/2023 21:43

I'm an introvert and I love hanging out with my friends. I just find it tiring and need a bit of "time off" afterwards to recharge. So I see them once/twice a week. Between that and work it's more than enough.

I tend to be very quiet in large groups of people (whereas am foghorn in a much smaller setting), but I'm just listening and absorbing. I'm not shy in the slightest. I'll happily talk to anyone about anything, often get chatting to strangers when I'm out and about. Again, I just find social situations knackering.

I think being introverted and being shy/antisocial are very different.

BarelyLiterate · 10/08/2023 21:46

YANBU.

I’m an introvert and in some ways I am quite selfish, particularly about how I spend my precious free time. I need my space, I need my downtime, I make sure I get it and if that occasionally means saying ‘no’ to someone or something, so be it. If that annoys or upsets someone, tough.

TaraRhu · 10/08/2023 21:51

Introverts aren't hermits - they go out and even enjoy it! The difference is that you nreed time to decompress after and recharge with time alone.

The things I find hard are group holidays/events. Like hen parties. No Time do recharge.

Tangled123 · 10/08/2023 21:54

Introverts can be selfish but not all selfish people are introverts.

TaraRhu · 10/08/2023 21:57

TregunaMekoides · 10/08/2023 21:43

I'm an introvert and I love hanging out with my friends. I just find it tiring and need a bit of "time off" afterwards to recharge. So I see them once/twice a week. Between that and work it's more than enough.

I tend to be very quiet in large groups of people (whereas am foghorn in a much smaller setting), but I'm just listening and absorbing. I'm not shy in the slightest. I'll happily talk to anyone about anything, often get chatting to strangers when I'm out and about. Again, I just find social situations knackering.

I think being introverted and being shy/antisocial are very different.

I agree. It's depressing that people think introvert = socially incapable weirdo! I am more than capable of having friends, doing small talk etc. i just need some me time as I find socialising tired.

Curseofthenation · 10/08/2023 21:58

I think introverts should try to push themselves to be social as possible and that extroverts should push themselves to reflect and spend time alone so that they're comfortable in their own company. To be extremely extroverted or introverted without any desire to compromise isn't great for personal development. Obviously people are free to live their lives as they wish!

I just think that pushing your personal limits helps you stretch yourself. It tends to make you into a more well-rounded person.

Sierra26 · 10/08/2023 22:14

CoffeeCantata · 09/08/2023 10:27

I'll get flamed for saying this, but here goes.

I'm an introvert but people laugh when I tell them that, or that I'm very shy. I've always had to be a 'front of house person' in my work when really (if those Morison aptitude tests had been available in my schooldays) I'm by nature a back-room boffin. In those days the culture was very much "Just get on with it - like it or lump it!" and the idea that you were allowed to get out of things because you were shy wasn't acceptable.

So I suppose I faked it till I made it and find it ironic when people think I'm confident and even extrovert. Just occasionally I have to be open with people and tell them I can't do certain activities - but that's only come in recent years with the more accepting attitude and openness about these things. For example, my hobby often involves tours (choir) of several days' duration. Even though I'm on the committee and really am expected to go (I sense disapproval that I don't) I've had to explain that I just can't cope with being with a large crowd of people for 5 days without a lot of down-time. The organiser also asked me to share a room with a complete stranger and was stunned when I said no! The thought of being with 70 not-very-close people for 5 days and not having at least a single room to retreat to would have driven me crazy.

If it was for work (and I have had to do this kind of thing for work) then I'd suck it up and go, but not for a hobby. My work excursions cost me dearly in terms of stress and took a good week or so to get over. Extroverts maybe wouldn't understand this.

I relate to this so much.

I’m not shy but very much an introvert. Actually very confident. People don’t believe me when I say I’m an introvert as they associate it with being shy.

I’ve also masked it my whole life, and when I was younger wondered why some days I’d feel like a social butterfly and others couldn’t string a sentence together or follow a conversation.

My jobs have always been very social/collaborative and my tank is often completely empty at the end of the day. My personal life then pays the price as I can’t face catching up with friends or family after work, or even at weekends after a busy week.

Trips away are the worst without down time. I always have to share rooms and it ruins me, not even being able to dry my hair without someone chatting to me.

My extrovert friends/colleagues don’t get it. I’ve literally said “can we sit in silence please, I need to recharge” and 2 mins later they’re talking to me again.

I avoid spending time 1–1 with anyone other than immediate family / absolute best friends , as I’d rather there was a third person to help carry the conversation.

I don’t think it’s selfish to address your own needs. But if you want to maintain relationships you do have to realise you need to push yourself. Extroverts need to appreciate the same in reverse (but I’ve never met one who’s even been able to understand the concept of being an introvert, let alone compromise, but that’s for another day 🤣 and I’m sure there are lots reading this who are more thoughtful).

BigButtons · 10/08/2023 22:24

An introvert cannot help being an introvert . How can that be selfish? It’s not a choice we make.
I would much rather be extroverted like my mum was- it’s SO much easier to recharge from being sociable than having to re charge by being alone.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/08/2023 22:24

I'm confident, outgoing, can talk to anyone and I'm an introvert. I have lots of fun with my friends but I need a lot of down time after. I also have OCD and ADHD which makes my brain need the quiet more but that's not about introversion.

I do find I need to push myself to socialize and feel better for it. I still need my downtime, but I have fun. Being an introvert doesn't mean you don't like socializing. It just tires us out.

I do think it's sad when people don't try and make any effort or say they just need their partner as a friend. At some point they may be divorced/widowed and that is lonely. Humans are social creatures.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 10/08/2023 22:25

Ibizafun · 10/08/2023 22:30

We have been asked by one couple on holiday to share a close environment (boat) with them and a few other couples. My dh being a true extrovert can't wait.. he needs zero time on his own.

I am agonising over it, feeling like I'll have to be on my best behaviour 24/7, engaging and making a massive effort the whole time. It's as if I'm afraid of myself!! The truth is we are lucky to have been asked and I hate myself sometimes!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/08/2023 22:31

I’m not shy but very much an introvert. Actually very confident. People don’t believe me when I say I’m an introvert as they associate it with being shy.

Me too. I’m always happy going into a new situation thinking how many potential friends will be there. Then they get a bit confused when l don’t want to go out partying!