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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughter's partner on family holiday

124 replies

DNo · 08/08/2023 22:46

Our daughter is 16, been with her boyfriend for over a year and he is a lovely person who we get on very well with and spend a lot of time together. His family are very similar to us, she is well liked by them too.

They have invited her on their family holiday this year abroad with no expectations on us to pay for her, we are very grateful. He is the youngest child and the two older children have moved out and are independent adults. We have a UK based holiday planned for us and our 2 younger sons.

Issue is that next year we are planning on going abroad for 10 days, we've saved up for 2 years for it. We can't afford to pay for him to join us but would be more than happy for him to join us and would actively welcome it as this may be the last holiday abroad we get with our daughter.

Can we ask his parents to pay for his place or do we need to do our best to accommodate him too?

All opinions welcome as well as questions. Thank you!

OP posts:
Twoleftlegs · 08/08/2023 22:54

He’s not your daughter’s PARTNER

both of your families need to stop facilitating your children playing house

i absolutely would have not invited him and I believe his parents are putting way too much pressure on this relationship.

Holidays with boyfriends are for when you can pay for it yourselves!

mayaknew · 08/08/2023 23:01

Yeah I absolutely would not be taking my 16yo boyfriend on our family holiday nor would I allow her to go on holiday with her boyfriends family.

I was going out with DH when I was that age. I went several family holidays without him it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that he would come.

Original poster
DNo · 08/08/2023 23:02

Twoleftlegs · 08/08/2023 22:54

He’s not your daughter’s PARTNER

both of your families need to stop facilitating your children playing house

i absolutely would have not invited him and I believe his parents are putting way too much pressure on this relationship.

Holidays with boyfriends are for when you can pay for it yourselves!

Thank you. I use partner as someone you have a romantic connection with but ok, I get it.

They aren't "playing house", no idea where that came from.

I wanted advice regarding whether it's rude to ask for help towards the holiday or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 08/08/2023 23:04

mayaknew · 08/08/2023 23:01

Yeah I absolutely would not be taking my 16yo boyfriend on our family holiday nor would I allow her to go on holiday with her boyfriends family.

I was going out with DH when I was that age. I went several family holidays without him it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that he would come.

It wouldn't have crossed mine either but they've asked and we've allowed them to go now (albeit separate bedrooms but...)

OP posts:
llareggub · 08/08/2023 23:05

They probably won’t even be together next year.

Motnight · 08/08/2023 23:05

It's next year - they might not even be together by then!

TeaKitten · 08/08/2023 23:05

She’s only 16 and it’s a year away, I wouldn’t assume theyl still be together.

x2boys · 08/08/2023 23:06

They are 16 chances are they won't be together in a year.

WhoHidTheCoffee · 08/08/2023 23:07

I think in your place I wouldn’t offer. If your daughter and her boyfriend then ask if he can come on said holiday, I don’t see anything wrong with saying he’d be very welcome but unfortunately you can’t afford to cover his flights/accommodation - if he’s happy to pay for himself, he’s very welcome to come. Or not, depending on how you feel. I mean, a year is a long time at their age.

RhymesWithTangerine · 08/08/2023 23:07

Got to agree with everyone else. They are 16yo. You should expect them to have broken up by next year.

kweeble · 08/08/2023 23:07

It doesn’t matter as they may not be together next year - if they are you could encourage your daughter to have some time away from him and she may thrive.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 23:07

I agree that she isn't his partner, they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Who knows if they'll even abe together in a year's time?

I think I would speak to his mother and just say to her that it's so kind of her, but you cannot reciprocate without him paying towards the holiday. Do you really have to book his space now?

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 23:09

kweeble · 08/08/2023 23:07

It doesn’t matter as they may not be together next year - if they are you could encourage your daughter to have some time away from him and she may thrive.

How closed minded.

DH and I have been together since we were 16 and we’ve both thrived perfectly well.

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 23:09

I agree with others, they are still kids it's very full on to br holidaying with your bf/gf at that age

DrLightman · 08/08/2023 23:10

Twoleftlegs · 08/08/2023 22:54

He’s not your daughter’s PARTNER

both of your families need to stop facilitating your children playing house

i absolutely would have not invited him and I believe his parents are putting way too much pressure on this relationship.

Holidays with boyfriends are for when you can pay for it yourselves!

My thoughts exactly, a partner is an adult person, when you are committed and possibly live together

At 16 he is a boyfriend

Original poster
DNo · 08/08/2023 23:10

Thanks. I know the chances are slim they'll be together.

We are booking for next year soon and we can add closer to the date. Nothing would be concrete until closer to the date, they are going next week so was also a last minute addition.

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 08/08/2023 23:13

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 23:09

How closed minded.

DH and I have been together since we were 16 and we’ve both thrived perfectly well.

Show quote history

I know 4 couples who have been together since school, all in their 40's now. I know it isn't the norm but certainly happens sometimes! :)

OP posts:
DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 23:16

DNo · 08/08/2023 23:13

I know 4 couples who have been together since school, all in their 40's now. I know it isn't the norm but certainly happens sometimes! :)

Show quote history

Yes, I really think it’s a shame it doesn’t happen more often! It’s lovely to grow up with someone and share your life with them.

sandyhappypeople · 08/08/2023 23:17

are you offering to take him on the UK based holiday this year?

I think it's silly to be bringing up a holiday that's next year right now, when you have no idea if they'll even be together next year, you've got plenty of time to make a decision on it, and make the offer when the time comes. Do you feel under pressure to offer to reciprocate?

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 23:18

DaisyAndDonaldDuck

I disagree I wouldn't want my children settling with their first boyfriend/girlfriend they have a young age and limiting their opportunities to travel, find themselves, put themselves first and being independent.

ivybx · 08/08/2023 23:21

Think it's crazy everyone commenting how ridiculous it is because they are 16? There are plenty couples still together who have been together since 16. The op wasn't even asking for advice on if they should take him or not she was simply asking if it's acceptable to not pay for him which it is if you cannot afford it.

DNo · 08/08/2023 23:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

NewName122 · 08/08/2023 23:29

No just book for you and your children.

Original poster
DNo · 08/08/2023 23:30

The accommodation this year won't be suitable.

Yes I do feel the need to reciprocate. Sounds silly but I was thrilled and gutted when they asked if she could go away as they seem to have a more comfortable financial situation (though you can never tell can you?!) There is zero pressure but this is why I'm asking what protocol the masses think would be best.

OP posts:
x2boys · 08/08/2023 23:35

ivybx · 08/08/2023 23:21

Think it's crazy everyone commenting how ridiculous it is because they are 16? There are plenty couples still together who have been together since 16. The op wasn't even asking for advice on if they should take him or not she was simply asking if it's acceptable to not pay for him which it is if you cannot afford it.

Of course some couples will meet at 16 and stay together
But the vast majority of people are not with the person they were with at 16 thats just a,fact ,its not ridiculous to.suggest the relationship might not last until.next year.