Page 2 | Taking my daughter's partner on family holiday

DNo · 2023-08-08T21:46:29+00:00

Our daughter is 16, been with her boyfriend for over a year and he is a lovely person who we get on very well with and spend a lot of time together. His family are very similar to us, she is well liked by them too. They have invited her on their family holiday this year abroad with no expectations on us to pay for her, we are very grateful. He is the youngest child and the two older children have moved out and are independent adults. We have a UK based holiday planned for us and our 2 younger sons. Issue is that next year we are planning on going abroad for 10 days, we've saved up for 2 years for it. We can't afford to pay for him to join us but would be more than happy for him to join us and would actively welcome it as this may be the last holiday abroad we get with our daughter. Can we ask his parents to pay for his place or do we need to do our best to accommodate him too? All opinions welcome as well as questions. Thank you!

TheUsualChaos · 08/08/2023 23:39

No way would I take DD's boyfriend on holiday just because they decided to invite her on theirs. Not even sure I would comfortable with her spending that much time away with a bf either tbh. It's a bit much at only 16, how much time do they spend together usually? I would just be worried it could easily go either way. They either have a great time, or it all gets a bit too intense and DD is upset and wants her mum but is stuck until they come home.

Original poster

DNo · 08/08/2023 23:42

TheUsualChaos · 08/08/2023 23:39

No way would I take DD's boyfriend on holiday just because they decided to invite her on theirs. Not even sure I would comfortable with her spending that much time away with a bf either tbh. It's a bit much at only 16, how much time do they spend together usually? I would just be worried it could easily go either way. They either have a great time, or it all gets a bit too intense and DD is upset and wants her mum but is stuck until they come home.

It's a week they're away and his parents are lovely people.

I'd say they spend 3-4 days a week together, occasionally overnight here (separate rooms).

OP posts:

Teenagehorrorbag · 08/08/2023 23:44

If they can afford it and you can't then you need to just explain that,

But holidays do vary, as well. If they are driving to France and staying in a villa, it won't cost anything more to take an extra person (apart from food etc once out there). If they are flying and staying in a hotel, the costs will be considerable. Same with your plans next year.

If you can add a person at short notice to your next year's plans, then I'd say nothing now. If they are still together next spring then offer to take him, but explain that you can't afford any extra costs and could only do so if his family pay for the flight/whatever.

Original poster

DNo · 08/08/2023 23:54

Teenagehorrorbag · 08/08/2023 23:44

If they can afford it and you can't then you need to just explain that,

But holidays do vary, as well. If they are driving to France and staying in a villa, it won't cost anything more to take an extra person (apart from food etc once out there). If they are flying and staying in a hotel, the costs will be considerable. Same with your plans next year.

If you can add a person at short notice to your next year's plans, then I'd say nothing now. If they are still together next spring then offer to take him, but explain that you can't afford any extra costs and could only do so if his family pay for the flight/whatever.

Thanks. The holiday is very similar to ours, all inclusive package deal per person otherwise yes it would have been different.

I'm just going to wait it out, book ours and add if needed when we know more about where we're all at.

OP posts:

sandyhappypeople · 09/08/2023 00:11

DNo · 08/08/2023 23:30

The accommodation this year won't be suitable.

Yes I do feel the need to reciprocate. Sounds silly but I was thrilled and gutted when they asked if she could go away as they seem to have a more comfortable financial situation (though you can never tell can you?!) There is zero pressure but this is why I'm asking what protocol the masses think would be best.

In fairness, I'd not mention any sort of reciprocation for now if you don't think you'll be able to do it, but let them know how grateful you are that they are in a position to take DD with them this year.

FWIW I've got a 17 year old nephew and for the last 2 years he's had girlfriends, some of which for months/year at a time and seemed quite serious about, I think it's the norm to go on holiday with each others family and stay over, but I definitely wouldn't be planning for a years time just in case.

Wheredoesyokoshairendandpubesbegin · 09/08/2023 00:34

Yeah, just wait until next year. They might not be together anyway. If they are I'd say "hi boyfriends parents, were going on holiday and dd would really like bf to come. It's been prebooked for a while, could he afford to come? Flights and accommodation are ££."
Next year they'd be able to work aswell.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 09/08/2023 00:43

IF they are still together, and they have paid for your dd previously, I would feel the need to reciprocate.

In fact, we are going to offer to bring dd's best friend on holiday next year and as we have invited, there is no way I would expect money from her parents.

It will be a stretch for us, but DD is 15 and we think she might be a bit bored with us two old farts 😂

Neonyellowfish · 09/08/2023 00:48

Aside from the fact I think it’s a ridiculous set up at their ages ..

No you can’t ask them to pay when you didn’t pay them for the holiday this year!!
Happy for your kid to accept a free holiday but when you invite is the other way around you want them to pay? No, it will look very tight and I’d think you were taking the piss

Magneta · 09/08/2023 00:58

Wait until much closer to the time, but politically I think it would be difficult to ask them to contribute when you have accepted them paying for your daughter this year.

You say there's zero pressure, but to me there's a certain level of obligation that comes from accepting a free holiday.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 09/08/2023 04:23

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 23:18

DaisyAndDonaldDuck

I disagree I wouldn't want my children settling with their first boyfriend/girlfriend they have a young age and limiting their opportunities to travel, find themselves, put themselves first and being independent.

Again, that’s just very closed minded.

Getting together young doesn’t stop one learning how to be independent, nor does it stop them travelling the world or finding themselves, “putting themselves first”.

What a shame you can’t see that.

JaukiVexnoydi · 09/08/2023 04:37

You can't give what yoi can't afford. You can't afford to take her for free and it would be inappropriate to ask her to come and pay her own way so no, she can't come.

I don't think it's very appropriate for your son to be invited on her family holday but that's her parents lookout.

They are 16. Stop rairoading them into adulthood. "Partner" = someone you are sharing adult household responsibilities with as if you are a married couple. 16 year olds do not have partners. You have no idea if they will still be together in 3 weeks let alone a year, teen relationships aren't supposed to be serious and commited.

maratara · 09/08/2023 04:56

I'd be very upfront and tell the other parents "thank you for your lovely offer. If you Don't want her to go , just say you are unable to reciprocate as you already have a holiday planned: maybe next time"
If you Do want her to go then just be honest and explain you are highly unlikely to be able to reciprocate with a similar holiday for their DS anytime soon so just wanted to make that clear.

mayaknew · 09/08/2023 08:43

ivybx · 08/08/2023 23:21

Think it's crazy everyone commenting how ridiculous it is because they are 16? There are plenty couples still together who have been together since 16. The op wasn't even asking for advice on if they should take him or not she was simply asking if it's acceptable to not pay for him which it is if you cannot afford it.

Like I said in my pp I was with DH when I was that age. I went on holiday with my family without him and wouldn't have expected anything different.

So I am fully aware that they could be together forever but still doesn't mean 16 is old enough to go on holiday together.

Fwiw age aside, you can't afford to take him so you don't take him. there's no rule that says you have to reciprocate. I would just not mention it and if DD asks simply say you're budget doesn't stretch far enough to take him.

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2023 08:46

We took DDs BF away with us several times both in The UK and abroad between the ages of 15 and 17, although he did share a room with her brother the first few times.
Since his family have taken her away too we have only ever charged for flights

BarbedButterfly · 09/08/2023 08:51

Outside of mumsnet most people I know with teenagers dating around this age do invite because their kids probably wouldn't want to go away with them otherwise and they tend to see them more.

I also hate the idea that because they are young so the relationship matters less. Yes they may break up, but I still fondly remember my relationships at that age and my parents refusal to see them as important greatly affected how much I shared about relationships afterwards, especially as an adult. To a lot of people their first love is hugely important for shaping their future relationship expectations so if you focus on having nice holidays with partners they may come along when older too. Just my opinion though.

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/08/2023 08:51

Politely you are manufacturing a problem.

Book your holiday for your family.
Send your daughter with some money this year (a meal out at the minimum)

Deal with next year... next year. It may well be a non event for a variety of reasons
Break ups, he is away on hols at the same time, medical reasons, his nan is turning 90... anything

Ace56 · 09/08/2023 08:57

Yes, I wouldn’t be worrying about next year at the moment. If you really need to book soon, book for just your family and sort out the boyfriend later on if necessary. As PP’s have said, it likely won’t be an issue anyway if they’re not still together!

LisaD1 · 09/08/2023 09:02

My daughter is 15 almost 16 and has a boyfriend who she sees several times a week. We had a week away as a family and he’s away with his family now and has another 2 weeks later in the year. Neither have asked to take the other. These will be some of the last family holidays we have before they don’t want to come/head to Uni/holiday together etc and it’s been lovely. They’ve missed each other but they haven’t once complained about not being invited in each others holidays.

I don’t think I’d offer in your situation, you can’t afford it and I’d be embarrassed to ask them to pay after they funded your daughter.

Belizenavidad · 09/08/2023 09:07

I’d just be honest with his parents OP, just say you’d be more than happy for him to come however you cannot afford to pay for him. Bet they would be absolutely fine and can then day yes/no.

themessygarden · 09/08/2023 09:08

Decide closer to the time and if it works out, I think it would be okay to offer for him to join but explaining the cost issue, most people would understand. From the age of 15 our kids have always invited a friend to join us for our holidays. Our daughters boyfriend has been invited to join us since they were 18 and she is regularly invited to join his family. We would only invite someone that we knew well and who was not going to give us any grief on holidays.

cheezncrackers · 09/08/2023 09:13

Your DD is 16. You're talking about next summer. I honestly wouldn't get ahead of yourself. Teen relationships can come and go in the blink of an eye.

And no, I wouldn't be taking your DD's 'partner' away with you on holiday. Enjoy the final few holidays you'll get as a family of four - this time is precious and very limited and having other people along changes the dynamic completely. She is going to have the rest of her life to holiday with boyfriends.

QueenieMe · 09/08/2023 09:14

Don't worry about next year's holiday yet but definitely have the contraception chat with your DD about this one! I wouldn't trust parents I didn't know or hardly know to insist on separate rooms once they're there.

hot2trotter · 09/08/2023 09:27

Daughter's "partner"?! They're just kids.

TakenRoot · 09/08/2023 09:31

They are young, and may or may not be together in a year so to be honest I would be reluctant to make any expensive plans for a year ahead.

If it was a villa holiday and you could invite him last minute by him getting a flight: easy.

But if it is a pay per head package with a non returnable deposit or full payment, what happens if they break you? What if they did pay for him, your Dd dumps him, he is heartbroken and his parents ask for a refund?

I would leave him out for now. It is perfectly acceptable to go on a family holiday without including the boyfriend, and maybe he could be added next year if all still looks good?

For this year: have the family included your Dd in the travel insurance or asked you to cover her? Make sure she has health / travel insurance.

TakenRoot · 09/08/2023 09:34

cheezncrackers · 09/08/2023 09:13

Your DD is 16. You're talking about next summer. I honestly wouldn't get ahead of yourself. Teen relationships can come and go in the blink of an eye.

And no, I wouldn't be taking your DD's 'partner' away with you on holiday. Enjoy the final few holidays you'll get as a family of four - this time is precious and very limited and having other people along changes the dynamic completely. She is going to have the rest of her life to holiday with boyfriends.

She will be 17 next year… you often keep them closer for longer by including their boy/girlfriends. They may decide not to come on a family holiday otherwise. You can’t pretend they are kids forever. The family dynamic does change.