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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughter's partner on family holiday

124 replies

DNo · 08/08/2023 22:46

Our daughter is 16, been with her boyfriend for over a year and he is a lovely person who we get on very well with and spend a lot of time together. His family are very similar to us, she is well liked by them too.

They have invited her on their family holiday this year abroad with no expectations on us to pay for her, we are very grateful. He is the youngest child and the two older children have moved out and are independent adults. We have a UK based holiday planned for us and our 2 younger sons.

Issue is that next year we are planning on going abroad for 10 days, we've saved up for 2 years for it. We can't afford to pay for him to join us but would be more than happy for him to join us and would actively welcome it as this may be the last holiday abroad we get with our daughter.

Can we ask his parents to pay for his place or do we need to do our best to accommodate him too?

All opinions welcome as well as questions. Thank you!

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 10:58

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 23:18

DaisyAndDonaldDuck

I disagree I wouldn't want my children settling with their first boyfriend/girlfriend they have a young age and limiting their opportunities to travel, find themselves, put themselves first and being independent.

Agree. It seems stunted to me.

Wouldn't be allowing them to join family holidays.

Weatherwax134 · 09/08/2023 11:01

My boyfriend came away with us when I was 17. We'd been together for a year and he paid for himself using his apprenticeship wages, it was a really lovely holiday. Everyone had lots of fun and we all bonded (I also married him but I don't think the holiday was necessarily the cause haha)

sarah419 · 09/08/2023 11:02

DNo · 08/08/2023 22:46

Our daughter is 16, been with her boyfriend for over a year and he is a lovely person who we get on very well with and spend a lot of time together. His family are very similar to us, she is well liked by them too.

They have invited her on their family holiday this year abroad with no expectations on us to pay for her, we are very grateful. He is the youngest child and the two older children have moved out and are independent adults. We have a UK based holiday planned for us and our 2 younger sons.

Issue is that next year we are planning on going abroad for 10 days, we've saved up for 2 years for it. We can't afford to pay for him to join us but would be more than happy for him to join us and would actively welcome it as this may be the last holiday abroad we get with our daughter.

Can we ask his parents to pay for his place or do we need to do our best to accommodate him too?

All opinions welcome as well as questions. Thank you!

yes it will be rude to ask them to foot the bill. it’s your holiday and you are the ones who want to invite him!

itchyscalp · 09/08/2023 11:03

Just talk to his parents and say how lovely it is that they've invited your daughter.

Be honest and say that you're going away next year and their son would be very welcome but, as much as you'd love to return the favour, unfortunately you simply aren't in a position that you can afford to pay for him as you've had to save for two years for yourselves to go.

Then leave it at that!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/08/2023 11:05

God, no!!! Why the hell are you putting your daughter under so much pressure at 16. Totally inappropriate IMO, creating an expectation of sex, exclusiveness and all the rest. Boyfriends DM sounds like a pushy, tiresome twat who probably wants to mould your DD to get ready for betrothal. I would not encourage this.

wlana · 09/08/2023 11:13

Let her go on holiday with them this year and forget about next year until nearer the time.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/08/2023 11:13

I wouldn’t let my 16 year old child go on holiday with a boyfriend at 16. 18 yes, but 16 is way too young IMO.

But yes, you need to pay for him, like they have paid for your daughter. I couldn’t bring myself to ask them to pay when they have covered your daughter’s costs.

Original poster
DNo · 09/08/2023 11:15

Hi all, sorry been working. Thanks for all the replies, I've read them all.

I won't go over everything again but I'm happy to wait until we are closer to the holiday to book and see how the land lies, we may have more money when the tine comes. We don't go on holiday abroad which was why we were thrilled she was asked to answer a pp's question.

I concede partner was the wrong word, I don't use that to describe him so no idea why I wrote it here to bring myself to the mercy of mumsnet. 🙈

To the person asking about contraception, wtf? Yes of course they are covered, im not insane.🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 09/08/2023 11:17

And finally, I agree with pp's who noticed that this is a way of including her in the family holiday. She may well not want to come and/or be miserable without him there but we would still take her regardless I'm sure. It's a year away though so lots could happen...

OP posts:
JMSA · 09/08/2023 11:27

I've read and reread the opening post, and I must keep missing the bit where the OP actually asked your opinions on whether she should take the lad on holiday with them.

JMSA · 09/08/2023 11:29

OP, I would do your best to reciprocate in any way you can. So maybe something along the lines of you'll cover accommodation and food (for the apartment?). But he'll need to buy his own flights, plus money for eating out/spending.
That seems like a fair compromise to me Smile

powerpufff · 09/08/2023 11:31

I second this: the relationship might not last!

Original poster
DNo · 09/08/2023 11:35

JMSA · 09/08/2023 11:27

I've read and reread the opening post, and I must keep missing the bit where the OP actually asked your opinions on whether she should take the lad on holiday with them.

Brilliant, thank you!

OP posts:
powerpufff · 09/08/2023 11:37

I personally think this is a lovely idea, just worried about if they breakup

Royalsrumbled · 09/08/2023 11:38

Been with my husband since I was 13 & he was 14. We are happily married, 2 kids and 14 years of marriage behind us! Your finances might be different next year, their relationship may or may not be different too. You mention it might be your last holiday as a family... I wouldn't invite him purely on the basis that as a last family holiday, you want to spend as much time as you can together but if he's with you they're likely to spend most of their time together trying to do their own thing. That's a good enough reason not to invite him. You could however invite him along for day trips and/or any u.k stays?

x2boys · 09/08/2023 12:03

SimplyReadHead · 09/08/2023 09:35

Quick reminder that you can legally get married at 16……

Not a great idea though is it?

HappiestSleeping · 09/08/2023 12:04

Putting aside all the 'should she / shouldn't she' discussion, the crux of the OP's question is about finance.

OP - it might ease the situation to offer a contribution to the boyfriend's family for the holiday of theirs that your daughter is going on, if you haven't already? That opens the door for an honest discussion where you can say that you would like to reciprocate one day, however budgets are tight. Then you have at least allowed yourself some wiggle room. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

x2boys · 09/08/2023 12:08

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/08/2023 11:05

God, no!!! Why the hell are you putting your daughter under so much pressure at 16. Totally inappropriate IMO, creating an expectation of sex, exclusiveness and all the rest. Boyfriends DM sounds like a pushy, tiresome twat who probably wants to mould your DD to get ready for betrothal. I would not encourage this.

That,s a bit of a stretch on your part ,boyfriends mother has invited the op,s daughter on holiday she,s hardly marching them.down the aisle ,it may not last given they are only 16 ,but its bit unfair to call.her a twat🙄

red78hot · 09/08/2023 12:12

I think just be honest. Tell them you very much appreciate them taking dd and would like to invite him next year but unfortunately you cannot afford to pay for him.

Original poster
DNo · 09/08/2023 12:17

HappiestSleeping · 09/08/2023 12:04

Putting aside all the 'should she / shouldn't she' discussion, the crux of the OP's question is about finance.

OP - it might ease the situation to offer a contribution to the boyfriend's family for the holiday of theirs that your daughter is going on, if you haven't already? That opens the door for an honest discussion where you can say that you would like to reciprocate one day, however budgets are tight. Then you have at least allowed yourself some wiggle room. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Thank you. We are paying for them to use the airport lounge before their flight as they refused any offer of payment towards the whole holiday. Its cost us £130.

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 09/08/2023 12:18

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/08/2023 11:05

God, no!!! Why the hell are you putting your daughter under so much pressure at 16. Totally inappropriate IMO, creating an expectation of sex, exclusiveness and all the rest. Boyfriends DM sounds like a pushy, tiresome twat who probably wants to mould your DD to get ready for betrothal. I would not encourage this.

Jesus how did I miss this one? Are you always this judgemental and angry? Maybe have a lie down if you're sleepy...?

OP posts:
Fairymother · 09/08/2023 12:26

Twoleftlegs · 08/08/2023 22:54

He’s not your daughter’s PARTNER

both of your families need to stop facilitating your children playing house

i absolutely would have not invited him and I believe his parents are putting way too much pressure on this relationship.

Holidays with boyfriends are for when you can pay for it yourselves!

Really 🙄

TiaraBoo · 09/08/2023 12:53

If it was me and I couldn’t afford to pay then I wouldn’t invite them or ask for a contribution.

Plus as others have mentioned it’s a year away so who knows what will have happened by then.

Also, you may want to have a family only holiday as that may be your last family holiday together (I know you’ve said the opposite, but you may change your mind).

Original poster
DNo · 09/08/2023 14:20

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/08/2023 11:05

God, no!!! Why the hell are you putting your daughter under so much pressure at 16. Totally inappropriate IMO, creating an expectation of sex, exclusiveness and all the rest. Boyfriends DM sounds like a pushy, tiresome twat who probably wants to mould your DD to get ready for betrothal. I would not encourage this.

Just reread all the response, thank you all.

Apart from this one, forgot to pick up that not once have I mentioned the boyfriends mother, only parents. Seems you have chosen to see only what you wanted to barbiegirl.

OP posts:
AbyssiniaArms · 09/08/2023 15:38

I can't imagine giving this a minute's thought.

Having said that, my 16yr dd wouldn't be going on holiday with her boyfriend and his family.