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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughter's partner on family holiday

124 replies

DNo · 08/08/2023 22:46

Our daughter is 16, been with her boyfriend for over a year and he is a lovely person who we get on very well with and spend a lot of time together. His family are very similar to us, she is well liked by them too.

They have invited her on their family holiday this year abroad with no expectations on us to pay for her, we are very grateful. He is the youngest child and the two older children have moved out and are independent adults. We have a UK based holiday planned for us and our 2 younger sons.

Issue is that next year we are planning on going abroad for 10 days, we've saved up for 2 years for it. We can't afford to pay for him to join us but would be more than happy for him to join us and would actively welcome it as this may be the last holiday abroad we get with our daughter.

Can we ask his parents to pay for his place or do we need to do our best to accommodate him too?

All opinions welcome as well as questions. Thank you!

OP posts:
SimplyReadHead · 09/08/2023 09:35

Quick reminder that you can legally get married at 16……

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2023 09:36

Hopefully they are both using protection OP.?

SimplyReadHead · 09/08/2023 09:36

SimplyReadHead · 09/08/2023 09:35

Quick reminder that you can legally get married at 16……

Sorry - just double checked and the law changed in Feb to 18.

Welshmonster · 09/08/2023 09:38

Personally I would not invite and enjoy what is likely to be one of your last family holidays as just a family unit. Don’t invite anyone extra. There will be plenty of time to have partners when they older but no time left to just be with your kids while they are kids

notahappybunny7 · 09/08/2023 09:40

Twoleftlegs · 08/08/2023 22:54

He’s not your daughter’s PARTNER

both of your families need to stop facilitating your children playing house

i absolutely would have not invited him and I believe his parents are putting way too much pressure on this relationship.

Holidays with boyfriends are for when you can pay for it yourselves!

Could’ve been worse, I know someone who refers to her teenage daughter’s boyfriends as her son in law. Gross.

TheBerry · 09/08/2023 09:41

I don’t get why some of these comments are so harsh, OP!

If they enjoy holidaying together, what’s the problem? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree there’s not much point bringing up the holiday now, as there is of course the chance that they won’t be together next year.

However, if the time comes and they’re still together I think you can just be honest about it if your daughter wants him to come. I’d just say to them and his parents that we’d love him to come but unfortunately couldn’t pay for him if he does as you’ve had to scrimp for a while even to afford it for your own family.

JusthereforXmas · 09/08/2023 09:43

They might break up... they might not.

I have been with DH since I was 18.

DH friends have been together since 15 (now nearly 40).

I had a friend who got with her now ex-husband at 15 they split at 31 year old after having 3 children together (losing a child to stillbirth ruined their relationship).

When I was in my teens I had lots of friends in 'long term' relationships. On average they lasted 5 years (I don't know why 5 but it was very noticable that lots of relationships break down at the 5 year point). I still even now thing five years together is a significant chunk of time though. I have known 'adult' people marry, have kids and divorce in that time.

ConstantlyCooking · 09/08/2023 09:47

On a practical note OP, is your daughter staying in her own room at the all- inclusive? When we looked into adding the partner of one our DC, it was less than £200 because the single room supplement was so high.

Flyinggeesei234 · 09/08/2023 09:54

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2023 09:36

Hopefully they are both using protection OP.?

How is this relevant to what OP has asked?

Good job you posted though otherwise nobody would have thought about it!

Basketballqueen · 09/08/2023 09:55

Don't bring him. And stop calling a 16 year old your daughter's 'partner'. They're literally children, and at best he's her boyfriend.
Wil they even be a couple next year??

Shoulddomore · 09/08/2023 09:56

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2023 09:36

Hopefully they are both using protection OP.?

Mumsnet is wild at times. OP is asking whether to invite her daughter's boyfriend on holiday. If her daughter did not have a boyfriend, she would be just as likely to be having sex at 16. Yes, OP should have discussed contraception with her DD (whether she has a boyfriend or not) but it has nothing to do with this thread.

Many of my friends are still with partners from teens (I'm early thirties). In your situation OP, I would have it in my the back of my mind that IF they are still together next year I would invite him. If you can't afford to pay for him, just be honest about that.

user123212 · 09/08/2023 09:57

Welshmonster · 09/08/2023 09:38

Personally I would not invite and enjoy what is likely to be one of your last family holidays as just a family unit. Don’t invite anyone extra. There will be plenty of time to have partners when they older but no time left to just be with your kids while they are kids

Agree with this. Don't bring him, concentrate on your bond with your daughter without interruption. She needs a break away from him to understand herself better too.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/08/2023 09:58

My ds went on a couple of UK holidays with his gf and family at a similar age. They didn’t ask for payment and I didn’t offer as they didn’t ask if it was ok to take him, just presumed. It was a very nice family holiday, nothing else. I wouldn’t mention next year’s holiday until next year and if you can’t afford it if course it’s ok to ask for a contribution.

Neonyellowfish · 09/08/2023 10:00

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2023 09:36

Hopefully they are both using protection OP.?

So bloody odd.

2023usernameNew · 09/08/2023 10:13

llareggub · 08/08/2023 23:05

They probably won’t even be together next year.

That was my first thought

pontipinemum · 09/08/2023 10:14

What would you do if it was her best friend? I think if you talk to the parents on a regular basis just say 'it's really lovely for you to take Sarah on your holiday this year, I'm sorry we can't afford to do the same next year. But if Greg could fund himself we would love for him to come to Portugal with us'

My best friend in school went on a 2 week holiday with her bf when she was 16yr old. His parents paid for everything. Her parents just simply could never had afforded it, they families are very different income wise. Girl - mid terrace in town, boy massive country house. But all very lovely people. They are now married with 3 kids themselves.

No chances are 16yr olds won't stay together but some do.

HoodedLidsBeGone · 09/08/2023 10:16

There have been several threads on here over the years about mid teen couples going on family holidays together and then breaking up and refunds for flights that won't be taken.

Ktime · 09/08/2023 10:17

DNo · 08/08/2023 23:30

The accommodation this year won't be suitable.

Yes I do feel the need to reciprocate. Sounds silly but I was thrilled and gutted when they asked if she could go away as they seem to have a more comfortable financial situation (though you can never tell can you?!) There is zero pressure but this is why I'm asking what protocol the masses think would be best.

I think you're right to wait it out, but I'm not sure why you were thrilled she was asked, it's not like she never goes on holiday?

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2023 10:24

Neonyellowfish · 09/08/2023 10:00

So bloody odd.

Show quote history

Not really.

OP keeps mentioning separate bedrooms for daughter and boyfriend.

I've no interest in other people's sex life but some parents are slightly nieve when it concerns their own children.

IamfeelingConfused · 09/08/2023 10:24

did you offer to pay for your daughter and they said no? or did no one mention money and you assumed they were therefore going to pay?

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 09/08/2023 10:34

Way too intense, way too soon.
It will be a miracle if they're still together next year.
They can go on their own holidays when they're grown up

cloudsandream · 09/08/2023 10:36

Bless you OP, considering to return the offer is very nice of you, and it’s a bloody shame you’re getting a battering for it. Only on MN will the entire thread be derailed and be irrelevant because of a single detail or word. I think if you posted in a different category than AIBU the responses would be better, as all the vipers reside here.

To all the posters that are whinging about the young couple won’t be together next year, who are you to stay that? Just because a majority of peoples adult relationships has the stability of a paper straw doesn’t necessarily mean the same can be said for teenagers.

MrsMarzetti · 09/08/2023 10:42

Book for you and your family. You can add the boyfriend later if he is still on the scene.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 09/08/2023 10:47

I think you can decide nearer the time if you want to add him to your holiday and how much extra it would cost. Be open with your daughter, the bf and his family that you can't afford the extra. This year I would ensure that your daughter can at least offer to pay for a meal out for her hosts.

One of my children was taken abroad several times with a friend's family, (they made it clear they were not expecting us to pay). We did not reciprocate. Our family situations were very different. We gave them something towards his meals etc but they really covered the holiday costs.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 09/08/2023 10:53

There are some holidays where it costs very little extra to add an extra ĺperson. I would expect to offer to pay for flights at least

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