Page 5 | Sometimes........it just takes your breath away.

Cinnamongirlinthesand · 2023-08-07T19:47:53+00:00

My eldest son died 14 yrs ago, sepsis. Last conversation I had with him, he said he didn't feel well but not to worry, just a bug.Next morning I had a call from a paramedic, from sons phone, saying your son has stopped breathing, get to hospital PDQ. I have felt guilty ever since.My world will never be the same. All the what ifs and if onlys keep popping up in my head. A so called 'friend" on SM has recently posted, "Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday'. Cue all the are you ok hun? FFS when my lovely boy passed the last thing on my mind was to post on SM.The people who needed to know were told. Maybe just feeling sorry for myself tonight, just me and dog.

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 22:35

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/08/2023 22:30

It’s triggered you x
bit don’t judge her and step away and be kind to yourself whilst you process this

I agree with this.

ForTheLoveOfGrace · 07/08/2023 22:54

Agreed it has definitely triggered you which is totally understandable. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I will never understand people who post things on Facebook as soon as it's happened but that's just me.

"Baby x is In A&E" tags themselves at A&E 🙄 or "here is a pic of my broken leg in the ambulance going to hospital now!" 🙄

It's an alien concept to me. It's to provoke a response, sometimes it's a 'needy' one and sometimes a 'needed' one. Personally it's the last thing I'd do but not everyone feels that way and aren't as private as I am.

MerryHen · 07/08/2023 22:57

I thought from the title that this would be about the death of a child, because it does truly take your breath away.

When my son died we used social media as an easy way to share the news of his death and information about his funeral. We'd already let family and close friends know.

A little later I wrote a post on social media about how utterly shit I was finding everything and through that found the support of a whole community of other bereaved parents supporting each other. This was just what I needed to survive those early months and years. Your friend is in the early

I'm sorry you're part of this shitty club too OP. Be gentle with your friend.

MonsterCalling · 07/08/2023 23:03

Hufflepods · 07/08/2023 21:50

There's something very strange about announcing a death on social media.

What’s the difference really between social media and a newspaper announcement, which has been commonplace for centuries?

I’d like to know the answer to this, too.

ohbygolly · 07/08/2023 23:04

I think this thread shows how different people are, and how each of us have experiences that colour our responses to the same information.

I read 'Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday.' and thought 'Jesus, how flippant.' Someone's son died and they used a phrase like 'not myself'? The heart's been ripped out of you, and that's how you present on social media? The start of the sentence could also be used for not having had a great night's sleep, or worrying about how to pay an unexpected bill, or waiting for a call back from a doctor about a test result. Not for the enormous life-changing reality of your child dying.

I also read 'my so-called friend' as being a response to 2 people having such astronomically different responses to similar significant events. The death of a child provokes such instinctive responses, how could I be friends with someone who responds so fundamentally different to me? Also, have they not understood the journey I've been on for the past 14 years? Have they been astounded by my responses? Have their reactions to my grief been genuine, or have they quietly judged me as my response to a similar situation is very obviously so different to theirs? Was this friendship real?

But then my reading of the OPs post is also coloured by my own experiences, and the grief I carry with me. Because that's the thing. Grief is an awkward-shaped sack of shit you carry around with you every day. It doesn't matter if it's 24 hours, 14 years or decades longer. It's still shit. And you still carry it with you. Everywhere. Every, single day.

With time you get better at carrying it with you. You get better at balancing the load, but life will always throw you a curve-ball (sometimes in the shape of a social media post), and you lose control of that awkward-shaped sack of shit, and the shit gets far too real for a while.

And when that happens, it doesn't matter how long it's been, you get flung back into that awful raw emotional state of death and loss and grief. Logic and empathy and compassion don't fit with that state. It's just full of hurt and pain and self-focus. And that's okay. Because that is grief. Sack of shit grief.

OP, I hope your pain eases.

CluedoFace · 07/08/2023 23:04

howsaboutit · 07/08/2023 21:01

I’m a nurse and deal with parents losing their babies, unfortunately, quite a lot. I can’t stress enough how differently people deal with losing their children.
We have some families that spend their babies final moments with just them and the baby’s other parent. We have some that bring dozens of extended family members and friends to say their goodbyes and support them.
Some parents spend days at the hospital after their baby has passed, some leave immediately and don’t return.
Some want to bathe and dress their baby after they’ve died, some request that I do that for them.
Some parents pray, some parents sing, some parents cry, some don’t cry at all, some parents get angry, some parents sit in silence.
I am genuinely, so very sorry for you loss. But I just wanted to say, kindly, that we can’t judge how other people grieve. It’s a very personal thing, whilst pain amongst those who have lost children is shared, how people express or don’t express that pain can be very different.

This is a beautiful post. So human. Thank You @howsaboutit for doing a difficult job.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy @Cinnamongirlinthesand. I know what that kind of pain feels like. (Not a son but close relative.).

I think when you lost your boy Facebook was kind of an option, but in the time that has passed since then, some people have come to rely on it and it’s absolutely part of the fabric of their lives. They barely realise how addicted they are.

For those people their behaviour and pathways have changed. On some level they have to have the responses feeding back to them.
I don’t understand it because I’d be one of the people hiding away not wanting to see or hear from anyone. Either virtually or in RL.

But I can also see how much life has changed in the 14 years.

RIP @Cinnamongirlinthesand Junior.
xxx

Wsmi · 07/08/2023 23:07

You are not wrong OP. It’s incredibly odd to announce something like that on SM. Some people will take the worst news and still make it about themselves. Social media has created the worst narcissists in the history of mankind.

CluedoFace · 07/08/2023 23:08

@ohbygolly that’s a beautifully written post. So intelligent.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Whelm · 07/08/2023 23:19

@Cinnamongirlinthesand and anyone else who has lost someone to sepsis. Having suffered with this twice in the past six months - once with the hospital making a number of important mistakes, latterly with almost perfect care - please don't blame yourself for taking sufferers at their word.
The changes come about very quickly and (as a patient or medic) it's not at all easy to know how things are progressing - even when hooked up to an IV with antibiotics that are working.
I think the 'friend' may be looking for a handhold or deeper help and simply not know who to call on i n her hour of need .
A business acquaintance has been close to death with an infection that led to sepsis and is slowly coming out of an induced coma, her poor husband is running himself ragged trying to be at her bedside in a hospital of recognised national excellence, which is a long drive from home. He has to be reminded sometimes that self-care isn't selfish.
To all caring for seriously ill friends and family try to cut yourselves some slack if you can. Much love.

whynotwhatknot · 07/08/2023 23:22

sorry for your loss op-people react in different ways noone is wrong there is no correct way

hope you can be there for each other

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 23:32

Wsmi · 07/08/2023 23:07

You are not wrong OP. It’s incredibly odd to announce something like that on SM. Some people will take the worst news and still make it about themselves. Social media has created the worst narcissists in the history of mankind.

Why is it odd ? It’s the modern equivalent to death notices in the local press, which has been done for centuries.

Testina · 07/08/2023 23:36

Wsmi · 07/08/2023 23:07

You are not wrong OP. It’s incredibly odd to announce something like that on SM. Some people will take the worst news and still make it about themselves. Social media has created the worst narcissists in the history of mankind.

In the case of the OP’s “so called friend” whose son has just died, exactly who else should it be about?
My friend announced the expected death (cancer) of her husband on Facebook. Is she a narcissist?

similarminimer · 07/08/2023 23:37

howsaboutit · 07/08/2023 21:01

I’m a nurse and deal with parents losing their babies, unfortunately, quite a lot. I can’t stress enough how differently people deal with losing their children.
We have some families that spend their babies final moments with just them and the baby’s other parent. We have some that bring dozens of extended family members and friends to say their goodbyes and support them.
Some parents spend days at the hospital after their baby has passed, some leave immediately and don’t return.
Some want to bathe and dress their baby after they’ve died, some request that I do that for them.
Some parents pray, some parents sing, some parents cry, some don’t cry at all, some parents get angry, some parents sit in silence.
I am genuinely, so very sorry for you loss. But I just wanted to say, kindly, that we can’t judge how other people grieve. It’s a very personal thing, whilst pain amongst those who have lost children is shared, how people express or don’t express that pain can be very different.

Oh thank you so much for those beautiful words. You cant know what they mean to me. But it fulls my heart to know that someone with your wisdom and compassion is there for families in their darkest times.

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 23:44

Wsmi · 07/08/2023 23:07

You are not wrong OP. It’s incredibly odd to announce something like that on SM. Some people will take the worst news and still make it about themselves. Social media has created the worst narcissists in the history of mankind.

Doesn't sound like narcissism at all but someone deeply in shock and unable to feel the depth of their own grief yet. The O P has worked through her grief but them other woman has not yet had the chance and probably feels numb!

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 23:45

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 23:32

Why is it odd ? It’s the modern equivalent to death notices in the local press, which has been done for centuries.

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Exactly . Narcissism is extremely rare as a condition. Posting on social media is pretty normal.

saraclara · 07/08/2023 23:48

Doesn't sound like narcissism at all but someone deeply in shock and unable to feel the depth of their own grief yet. The O P has worked through her grief but them other woman has not yet had the chance

Exactly.

MonsterCalling · 07/08/2023 23:49

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 23:44

Doesn't sound like narcissism at all but someone deeply in shock and unable to feel the depth of their own grief yet. The O P has worked through her grief but them other woman has not yet had the chance and probably feels numb!

Show quote history

Completely agree. What a deeply nasty post from the pp.

saraclara · 07/08/2023 23:53

Anyone seeing me in the first 24 hours of my bereavement would have thought I was cold and emotionless. I'm glad no-one but my daughters did, because I'm sure they'd have judged me and told others that I was weird.

Hopefully you'll recognise that when you think about it further, OP. You surely remember that it's close to impossible to be your rational self that first day or two. And sometimes even 14 years later, when something triggers that emotion again.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 23:56

I am so sorry for your loss OP, I cannot even imagine it.

I’d agree with other PPs though that this woman is entitled to communicate as she wishes. I can well imagine it must be hard for you though - could you mute her for a bit?

JumpToRecipe · 08/08/2023 00:06

Wsmi · 07/08/2023 23:07

You are not wrong OP. It’s incredibly odd to announce something like that on SM. Some people will take the worst news and still make it about themselves. Social media has created the worst narcissists in the history of mankind.

What an appalling, misanthropic thing to say about someone who has just lost their child. Have a word with yourself.

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 00:21

Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday.' and thought 'Jesus, how flippant.' Someone's son died and they used a phrase like 'not myself'?

@ohbygolly I saw it as understated and British. Also she might be apologising if she usually is quite chatty via messenger etc but hadn't been that day.

Some people will take the worst news and still make it about themselves.

@Wsmi It's her son. If it was some random in the public eye or something that she was going on about then that'd be different, but this is a pretty major thing that's happened to her.

Threenow · 08/08/2023 05:58

Wsmi · 07/08/2023 23:07

You are not wrong OP. It’s incredibly odd to announce something like that on SM. Some people will take the worst news and still make it about themselves. Social media has created the worst narcissists in the history of mankind.

As I, and others, have already said why is it okay to announce a death in a newspaper, but not on social media? It isn't incredibly odd" at all, it's quite common. It's nothing to do with making it all about oneself, but is an easy way to let people know without having to make phone call after phone call telling everyone who might be vaguely connected to the person who died, or the person making the announcement. I notice you're not above telling others your view on SM yourself btw.

user1477391263 · 08/08/2023 06:14

I honestly can't imagine having posted it on SM and dealing with the fake sympathy - genuine friends would reach out and talk to you.

This is such a strange comment. Why is sympathy “fake” because it’s on social media? How are people supposed to reach out to you if they don’t actually know that a death has occurred? Many of us have friends from all over who are not local to us and social media is how we let them know things. Talking on the phone isn’t always the ideal thing to do in these cases; sometimes people want time to compose themselves and have a quiet moment to sit down before they actually talk to someone after a death, rather than suddenly having the phone ringing when they are trying to deal with all the stressful and practical things that have to be done in these situations.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 06:51

@JumpToRecipe I was hoping that poster meant that the replies the poor woman was getting on social media, might be all about themselves rather than her.

Ollifer · 08/08/2023 07:51

I posted on Facebook when my parents died (I was 22 at the time it happened) and you know what? I did do it for attention! I did do it for replies and sympathy! I was so so distraught and low that I desperately needed people to message me as I was on my own physically sat in my parents house absolutely destroyed with grief. I no longer have social media and do cringe a bit when I think of what I posted. But I'm not ashamed to admit that I was attention seeking. It's just how it is. I wasn't acting myself