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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sometimes........it just takes your breath away.

130 replies

Cinnamongirlinthesand · 07/08/2023 20:47

My eldest son died 14 yrs ago, sepsis. Last conversation I had with him, he said he didn't feel well but not to worry, just a bug.Next morning I had a call from a paramedic, from sons phone, saying your son has stopped breathing, get to hospital PDQ.
I have felt guilty ever since.My world will never be the same.
All the what ifs and if onlys keep popping up in my head.
A so called 'friend" on SM has recently posted, "Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday'.
Cue all the are you ok hun?
FFS when my lovely boy passed the last thing on my mind was to post on SM.The people who needed to know were told.
Maybe just feeling sorry for myself tonight, just me and dog.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 21:31

A so called 'friend" on SM has recently posted, "Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday'. Cue all the are you ok hun? FFS when my lovely boy passed the last thing on my mind was to post on SM.The people who needed to know were told.

People are different @Cinnamongirlinthesand . If something awful happened in my life I'd probably post on Facebook, because I don't know many people IRL and it'd give me some support. Or maybe I'd message a few people individually.

She is coping with the death of her son now. It's not like it's something minor that she's 'attention seeking' about, like a plant having the droops or something or a cut on her finger.

This is her way of coping with a bereavement that only just happened.

There's nothing wrong with that- whatever people do to cope immediately after a bereavement (as long as it's not heroin or something) is 100% fine.

She reached out for support/consolation. Nothing wrong with that at all.

FoodFann · 07/08/2023 21:33

💐💐💐

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 21:34

@Cinnamongirlinthesand I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how it must feel. Flowers

I do think we all grieve in different ways and I'm pretty sure your friend's coping strategy isn't personally meant against you. I expect your friends would have given you as much sympathy in response had you posted on SM, as it is I expect they did support you in other ways when it first happened to you .

porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 21:34

This person has just lost her son and you're calling her 'a so called friend' for something she wrote on her wall that had nothing to do with you. Shock

I get that your feeling is related to your grief, but that's pretty nasty.

Maybe have some bereavement counselling if something that someone else does effects you in this way.

CherryMaDeara · 07/08/2023 21:35

Sorry for your loss. Bear in mind 14 years ago social media was in its infancy, the world has changed a lot, she may have needed to get it off her chest quickly. I wish you both peace.

Zanatdy · 07/08/2023 21:35

I’m sorry for your loss, losing a child is horrendous. Don’t judge your friend, grief is a very individual journey, as I’m sure you know. If it helps in a tiny way, let her post. She might need the friendships right now, and it’s a way of letting everyone know at once

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 21:35

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t think you ever ‘get over’ something like this - you just learn to live with it and deal with the pain when it resurfaces. We all deal with our grief in different ways and maybe your friend finds it easier to post on SM. Reactions are instant and possibly she finds it more supportive. I know when I lost my DH a couple of years ago, I found a support site called WayUp and I found it incredibly supportive to post my thoughts and feelings and have replies from people who, although they were strangers, were in similar situations themselves, so understood. And as others have posted here, SM is useful for letting people know in one hits so that you’re not repeating things and dealing with the reactions over and over again. Look after yourself - sending you a virtual hug tonight.xxxx

Batshit1 · 07/08/2023 21:36

I understand why you feel this way as I can’t fathom needing to share something like this in such a way. My brother died suddenly last year and it was a stressful race against time to let everyone know before another silly, attention seeking family member made a big self pity post on SM. They predictably did within a few hours even without knowing whether some really important people, including my brothers own adult child had been informed, all they cared about was being the first to ‘break the news’ and get all the attention on Facebook.

DarkSpark · 07/08/2023 21:37

I'm very sorry for your loss. My son had sepsis earlier this year, it was horrendous and terrifying and I feel extremely lucky that it was caught and treated in time.

In relation to your friend, maybe she doesn't want to have to break the news over and over so this is her way of getting it out there, or maybe she's reaching out for support.

Respectfully, you've also chosen to share your son's story here which is also social media, she's just done it without anonymity.
Calling her a 'so called friend' is harsh, she's just lost her child and, again trying to be gentle and respectful, what happened to your son 14 years ago probably isn't in the forefront of her mind in how she deals with it.

YoSof · 07/08/2023 21:37

I am so very sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve x

CherryMaDeara · 07/08/2023 21:38

Batshit1 · 07/08/2023 21:36

I understand why you feel this way as I can’t fathom needing to share something like this in such a way. My brother died suddenly last year and it was a stressful race against time to let everyone know before another silly, attention seeking family member made a big self pity post on SM. They predictably did within a few hours even without knowing whether some really important people, including my brothers own adult child had been informed, all they cared about was being the first to ‘break the news’ and get all the attention on Facebook.

I don’t think you can say the same for OP’s friend. Her own son is dead. She is allowed to tell people.

Coffeetree · 07/08/2023 21:41

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.

Batshit1 · 07/08/2023 21:43

@CherryMaDeara no it’s absolutely not the same but the desire to post absolutely anything in social media just to get a reaction is baffling to me.

SpentAllMyMoney · 07/08/2023 21:44

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 07/08/2023 21:45

Batshit1 · 07/08/2023 21:43

@CherryMaDeara no it’s absolutely not the same but the desire to post absolutely anything in social media just to get a reaction is baffling to me.

The poor woman's son has just died. I doubt she's shared that for clout.

Wheatear · 07/08/2023 21:45

She’s just in the early stages of the horror that first struck you fourteen years ago. I can understand it calling up unexpected anger and grief for you, but can you not pity her, even a little? Another parent has lost their child.

Newpeep · 07/08/2023 21:45

My mum had friends all over the world she kept in touch with on SM. When the key people were told in person she'd died suddenly, my dad asked me to post under her account to let her many friends know as we'd begun to get messages (she was housebound so prolific on SM). It was one of the hardest things I had to do and I just did it and walked away so to speak. No reactions registered.

It was how he wanted to deal with it. I am sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with things differently.

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 21:47

I sometimes do post a post like this to SM when something bad has happened like a tragic death. Why? Because I don't want to have to have to tell everybody individually. I just can't cope with that. I would rather just get it off my chest that way and allow people to understand if I'm not up for being social. I don't want people not to know and them ask me how I am and me have to tell them, again and again for everyone I may meet when I'm going out to buy milk or something !

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 21:49

I'm probably the only person out there who uses social media as a kind of anti-social "I don't want to talk to anybody" tool though. I'm weird.

HungryAyes · 07/08/2023 21:49

I’m very sorry for your loss, OP. I can’t even begin to imagine how awful the loss of your son has been for you.

I’ll chime in with a few others though and say we all experience grief differently.

I recently lost a family member in an accident. On my way to the mortuary, I phoned my best friend and had a right natter with her until five mins in and she asked me where I was off to. I very bluntly said “oh, I’m just on my way to the hospital because X has been killed and I need to identify them and speak to the police”.

Shock is a funny thing.

Hufflepods · 07/08/2023 21:50

There's something very strange about announcing a death on social media.

What’s the difference really between social media and a newspaper announcement, which has been commonplace for centuries?

Pinkcherrycola · 07/08/2023 21:51

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 07/08/2023 20:52

I'm genuinely shocked that you are judging anyone for how they deal with the death of their child. Just grim.

This comment is pretty grim.

grief is irrational and never goes away, I imagine this friend’s post has triggered something in OP and in a way she’s lashing out. OP knows the casseroles stop coming, and when they do it’s lonely AF, her friend is in the casserole stage.

OP there is no right way as you know. I’m so sorry for your loss. Don’t let your loss harden you to the grief/ pain of others x

ChrisPPancake · 07/08/2023 21:51

It's not a competition.

ohfook · 07/08/2023 21:52

This isn't the same so please don't think I'm comparing the two but I've had a few miscarriages including one very late one as has my very close friend.

I've never mentioned this on social media. A very small number of people know about the first one and literally nobody except my sister and dh know about the subsequent ones.

My friend on the other hand marks baby loss awareness week every year in social media, gets great comfort from talking about the babies she lost and has raised hundreds, possibly thousands, of pounds for an amazing charity that supports women after miscarriage. She's amazing.

People cope with grief in thousands of different ways - I'm a firm believer in doing whatever it takes to get you through. But it's a huge mistake to start judging how people grieve. It won't help you or lighten the load of your loss at all.

Saschka · 07/08/2023 21:53

If her son died yesterday she is more than likely still in shock, and running on autopilot. I wouldn’t judge anything she does or says over the next couple of days - grief reactions can be very strange things.