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Original poster

Sometimes........it just takes your breath away.

130 replies

Cinnamongirlinthesand · 07/08/2023 20:47

My eldest son died 14 yrs ago, sepsis. Last conversation I had with him, he said he didn't feel well but not to worry, just a bug.Next morning I had a call from a paramedic, from sons phone, saying your son has stopped breathing, get to hospital PDQ.
I have felt guilty ever since.My world will never be the same.
All the what ifs and if onlys keep popping up in my head.
A so called 'friend" on SM has recently posted, "Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday'.
Cue all the are you ok hun?
FFS when my lovely boy passed the last thing on my mind was to post on SM.The people who needed to know were told.
Maybe just feeling sorry for myself tonight, just me and dog.

OP posts:
ItsMyUkelele · 07/08/2023 21:55

Some people grieve privately.

Some people need to be surrounded by people and support.

Neither is wrong. My heart goes out to you both 💐💔

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 07/08/2023 21:57

Social Media is a weird thing. I like/care/sad the daily posts a friend puts up about grief (sometimes many posts a day). SM wasn’t a big thing when I lost my sister. We had cards but they’re long packed away. It’s still raw.
Not sure what the answer is tbh but if it’s helping them then it must be a good thing.
Im very sorry about your son 💐

BetsyBobbins · 07/08/2023 21:58

I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

babyproblems · 07/08/2023 21:59

So sorry for your loss Op.
sending you a huge huge hug xxx

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 22:01

ChrisPPancake · 07/08/2023 21:51

It's not a competition.

No, but the association is a trigger for the OP’s own grief to resurface, which is entirely understandable even after 14 years. Grief doesn’t go away and in some cases it’s life changing, as for the OP. You deal with the triggers as best you can, and with the exception of a few thoughtless posts, such as your own, the OP has received understanding and compassion for what was, and clearly still is, a devastating loss.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 07/08/2023 22:01

OP, after my daughter died (at birth, totally unexpectedly after a sudden, short labour), I posted about it on a feminist forum I was a member of as soon as I physically could. I was devastated and in shock and I reached out to the one place where I knew that I would be instantly understood and supported. And I was. Without those women, I might not have survived. I didn't have the strength or courage to speak to anyone directly, or at least not without collapsing in tears. But I could type and I could read the replies.

This sounds like a similar situation. If this was the quickest way for her to get support, to tell people and to communicate without having to speak the words, then fair play to her. It might not be your way, but please don't judge her harshly for doing what she could manage in order to get what she needed in that moment.

Pinkflamingopants · 07/08/2023 22:04

Wow, I can’t believe you’re judging a mother who has just lost her son because she posted it on FB. I think you’re the ‘so called friend’ quite honestly

OrwellianTimes · 07/08/2023 22:05

I’m sorry for your loss.

Please don’t judge the way anyone else deals with such a horrific situation.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 22:08

Pinkflamingopants · 07/08/2023 22:04

Wow, I can’t believe you’re judging a mother who has just lost her son because she posted it on FB. I think you’re the ‘so called friend’ quite honestly

Really don’t think you’re in a position to make that judgment unless you’ve experienced a similar loss and can understand how grief can be triggered, even years later. Which you clearly don’t.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 07/08/2023 22:10

I wouldn't judge someone if they ran into the street fully naked and started chucking things at people if their child just died... grief is grief and it's different for everyone and it's hideous.

Threenow · 07/08/2023 22:11

I guess we live in a different world these days with social media and some people needing to broadcast everything on it. Personally, I don't feel the need to do this, and would probably even less so for something so personal, but that doesn't make it wrong for others to do so if they feel so inclined.

Do people not put death notices in the newspaper in the UK? It's standard here, posting on SM is really just the modern way of doing that.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/08/2023 22:12

Whilst, I too would not even think to go online or SM when the death of a family member has just occurred, having had some close friends lose children (one was a 6 month old baby, the other a 19yr old who committed suicide in the most horrific way), both of those sets of friends posted in lots of detail on SM of their journeys from the day it happened and for months and years later.

It's not something I'd have personally done, but I followed their heart-breaking posts and offered them the support that they very much needed.

I'm an introvert and a private person and personally would not post such intimate details online, however, we're all different and some people need to put these SM posts out for their own grief and mental-well-being, and that's ok too.

peachgreen · 07/08/2023 22:12

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 22:08

Really don’t think you’re in a position to make that judgment unless you’ve experienced a similar loss and can understand how grief can be triggered, even years later. Which you clearly don’t.

Show quote history

I’m not the poster you’re replying to but I have experienced that kind of loss and I do understand how grief can be triggered, but I also go to great effort to recognise when I’ve been triggered and might not be reacting proportionately and modify my behaviour as a result.

OP, I’m sorry you lost your son. Please remember that your friend is experiencing the same grief, just dealing with it in a different way.

Threenow · 07/08/2023 22:13

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 22:08

Really don’t think you’re in a position to make that judgment unless you’ve experienced a similar loss and can understand how grief can be triggered, even years later. Which you clearly don’t.

Show quote history

Of course grief can be triggered many years later, but the rest of the world carries on as normal and people shouldn't have to hide their own loss and grief in case it triggers someone else's. I find there is something a bit odd about how many in the UK deal with grief.

PrudenceDictates · 07/08/2023 22:14

Social media is far more prevalent now than it was 14 years ago. It's how many communicate, and it offers people a platform to do it quickly and efficiently - to all their friends at once - without having to seek out lots of people separately, or make 100 unbearably painful phone calls.
It also lets people know they ought to give you space, and not expect responses. Nothing to do with being attention seeking.

I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss, OP, but you're being very unfair on your friend; her loss and expression of grief is not an insult to you and yours. Nor is it a lesser loss than yours. Please support her.

LodiDodi · 07/08/2023 22:15

Do you mean she posted about the death of your son, or is it thr death of her own? It isn't exactly clear from your post. I do find people posting about such tragic news immediately quite distasteful, but everyone is different.
None of it takes away from.your own grief, I'm sorry for your loss.

saraclara · 07/08/2023 22:16

Good grief. My husband's death was expected, and I still made some decisions in the following 24 hours ( and weeks and even months) that make me go 'WTF was I thinking?' now.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 22:21

Threenow · 07/08/2023 22:13

Of course grief can be triggered many years later, but the rest of the world carries on as normal and people shouldn't have to hide their own loss and grief in case it triggers someone else's. I find there is something a bit odd about how many in the UK deal with grief.

Show quote history

I’m not suggesting that people should hide their own loss for fear of triggering someone else’s grief - far from it. I’m just pointing out that unless you have experienced a traumatic loss, it’s all too easy to criticise because you’re coming from a different perspective.

I think you’re right about the way we deal with grief in the UK. I don’t think we talk enough about death and loss - it’s a part of life but we shy away from it and I’ve never understood why. From my own experience when I lost my DH, it really surprised me that some people expressed the opinion that I should be ‘getting over it’ a few weeks after the funeral - invariably none had experienced loss for themselves, and clearly had very little understanding of how losing a life partner permanently impacts on every area of your life. Odd.

Busubaba · 07/08/2023 22:24

Years and years ago on the eBay chat boards, a woman Rocky Mountain received the news her son had died in a car crash.

She carried on posting through the night.

Lots of us kept her company.

It seems bizarre but it helped her during the period of shock at receiving the news to carry on functioning.

The alternative may have been to start screaming and never stop.

I'm sorry for your loss.

nolamesallowed · 07/08/2023 22:26

I'm sorry for your tragic loss but this isn't about you. She can cope however she sees fit. It isn't any of your business or concern.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/08/2023 22:27

14 years ago social media was far less prevelant in people’s lives. Don’t judge your friends actions today based on yours 14 years ago, everybody reacts differently in times of grief and there’s no right or wrong. She felt like she needed to reach out and she did, would you prefer she was at home without a circle of support around her? She just lost her son, as somebody who has been through the same thing I’d have thought you’d have some compassion. You almost sound jealous, you don’t have a monopoly on grief. I’m sorry for your loss and by all means feel sorry for yourself, but maybe see if you have some room within yourself to try and remember how raw the grief was in the first days after you lost him and feel sorry that she’s going through that today rather than judging her responses as somehow unworthy or as if she isn’t mourning as much as you did. It’s not a competition.

Mammyloveswine · 07/08/2023 22:29

Op I think this has been triggering for you.. your "so called'" friend has lost her son..

She will need love and support from those who can relate especially!

Your post comes from a place of hurt and shock im sure.. please reach out to your friend and offer support.

sooverthisshit · 07/08/2023 22:30

I think this thread needs a trigger warning.

I am so so sorry for your loss OP.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/08/2023 22:30

It’s triggered you x
bit don’t judge her and step away and be kind to yourself whilst you process this

Serendipitoushedgehog · 07/08/2023 22:31

You have been through probably the worst thing a person can go through in life, and someone else you vaguely know from Facebook is also going through it and is grieving differently.