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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sometimes........it just takes your breath away.

130 replies

Cinnamongirlinthesand · 07/08/2023 20:47

My eldest son died 14 yrs ago, sepsis. Last conversation I had with him, he said he didn't feel well but not to worry, just a bug.Next morning I had a call from a paramedic, from sons phone, saying your son has stopped breathing, get to hospital PDQ.
I have felt guilty ever since.My world will never be the same.
All the what ifs and if onlys keep popping up in my head.
A so called 'friend" on SM has recently posted, "Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday'.
Cue all the are you ok hun?
FFS when my lovely boy passed the last thing on my mind was to post on SM.The people who needed to know were told.
Maybe just feeling sorry for myself tonight, just me and dog.

OP posts:
HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 07/08/2023 21:08

howsaboutit · 07/08/2023 21:01

I’m a nurse and deal with parents losing their babies, unfortunately, quite a lot. I can’t stress enough how differently people deal with losing their children.
We have some families that spend their babies final moments with just them and the baby’s other parent. We have some that bring dozens of extended family members and friends to say their goodbyes and support them.
Some parents spend days at the hospital after their baby has passed, some leave immediately and don’t return.
Some want to bathe and dress their baby after they’ve died, some request that I do that for them.
Some parents pray, some parents sing, some parents cry, some don’t cry at all, some parents get angry, some parents sit in silence.
I am genuinely, so very sorry for you loss. But I just wanted to say, kindly, that we can’t judge how other people grieve. It’s a very personal thing, whilst pain amongst those who have lost children is shared, how people express or don’t express that pain can be very different.

Thank you for this post. After my baby died, the (allegedly specialist) midwife tried to pressure me into bathing her. I really, really didn't want to have to wash the body of my dead child. I always thought it was because there was something wrong with me. I feel so much better about it now.

Azandme · 07/08/2023 21:08

In the gentlest way, this isn't about you, or your son. It's about her and her son.

Doing things differently doesn't make one way right and the other wrong. You wouldn't do it, and that's absolutely your decision, but she would and made her decision to do it.

She's where you were 14 years ago, noone should judge you for how you coped, and equally, you shouldn't judge her. Yes, it's different to what you did, but I have no doubt the utter despair, disbelief, shock, abject horror and soul destroying grief are the same.

I'm sure you can empathise with that.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 21:12

I can’t imagine the pain you’re in at losing your child Flowers

Perhaps this is your friends way of reaching out for support for herself over her loss. She may not know who to turn to or how to ask for help and support. It must have been upsetting to read that though.

I do think you’re justified in feeling like you do, there is no right or wrong way to feel after losing someone, especially a child. I can’t imagine that pain ever goes away. I’m so sorry Flowers

saraclara · 07/08/2023 21:16

I don't need to tell you that at this moment she will be beside herself and not in any position to think straight.

I'm with the person who said that it's probably a cry for help.

Thesearmsofmine · 07/08/2023 21:16

I’m sorry for the loss of your son and I’m sorry that your friend has experienced a loss too. We all react in different ways to thing and for her posting about it like that may well be easier than having to bump into people she knows a little in the supermarket or post office or walking the dog and have to tell each and every person.

Katey83 · 07/08/2023 21:17

In kindness OP, your friend is probably not thinking about your feelings, because her child just died. Sending love to you both.

sheworemellowyellow · 07/08/2023 21:17

Putting this news on SM doesn’t trivializes your son’s death. It doesn’t mean this friend doesn’t understand despair. It doesn’t mean she’s minimizing the depths of your sorrow and regret and guilt.

You’re entitled to feel the way you’re feeling tonight.

I’m sorry for the death of your child.

Azandme · 07/08/2023 21:17

Just to add, six years ago today my mum died.

Six years ago tomorrow I announced it on social media. We'd called the closest people, but I couldn't face having to tell everyone else, over and over again, and I knew it would take time to get the death announcement in the press (which the local paper also posts on Facebook).

So I posted it. Sat here reading this, today of all days, has me now wondering how many people gave me a "FFS" judgement.

The official announcement hit the paper eight days later. On my birthday of all days. I'm glad I'd already done it, my birthday was awful enough without having to field calls and texts from people who wouldn't have known if I hadn't posted.

As for anyone who judged me... Not their mum, not their place.

Threenow · 07/08/2023 21:17

I'm truly sorry for your loss OP. However, your friend is not wrong to post on SM, and shouldn't be judged for it. Sometimes that is the easiest way to let others know that someone has died and saves them having to contact dozens of people. I've done it myself (not for a child) and it saves bumping into people later and them asking how so and so is when that person has gone.

Hiddenvoice · 07/08/2023 21:18

I’m so sorry for your loss op.

Grief is different to everyone, some people prefer to tell others quietly and others prefer to let people know if one big go. You both need support no matter what you’re going through and how you’re telling people.
Try not compare your sorrow to hers, it won’t help either of you.

AngeloMysterioso · 07/08/2023 21:18

So your friend- whose child died the day before - is a “so called ‘friend’” getting FFS judgements from you because she’s sharing her pain and grief in a different way to you, that you find unacceptable?!
Jesus.

swimminginthesun · 07/08/2023 21:19

I can’t imagine posting something like that on social media either but many people do. I don’t put anything hugely personal online. I have friends who have chronicled serious illnesses (their own and those of family members) and one who put every detail of her fertility journey on Facebook. It’s baffling to me and I don’t comment publicly on their posts but get in touch privately if I feel it’s appropriate. Ultimately everyone copes differently and some people really do seem to live through social media. Try not to judge her for dealing with this in her own way.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

Escapetofrance · 07/08/2023 21:19

I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. What a heartbreaking way to loose him. You have my deepest sympathy.

Your friends sons death must be devastating to hear about & I imagine all the raw grief has come flooding back, if it ever ebbed away. For you own sake, I would distance yourself from her as much as you need to. Look after yourself.

Clefable · 07/08/2023 21:20

Your experience is awful, her experience is awful. I don't understand why you've written 'so-called friend', as if this poor woman who has just lost her son, just like you did, doesn't deserve any sort of empathy. I'd have thought that having gone through that awfulness, you would feel kindly towards her, not the opposite. Perhaps she wants support but doesn't know how to ask for it and this is a way she can let people know something awful has happened and she needs help.

InSpainTheRain · 07/08/2023 21:21

So sorry you have to endure that OP. I think different people handle things very differently. Some go silent and just feel the pain physically, some need to involve everyone in their grief - and all reactions in between.

Queenofheart · 07/08/2023 21:21

howsaboutit · 07/08/2023 21:01

I’m a nurse and deal with parents losing their babies, unfortunately, quite a lot. I can’t stress enough how differently people deal with losing their children.
We have some families that spend their babies final moments with just them and the baby’s other parent. We have some that bring dozens of extended family members and friends to say their goodbyes and support them.
Some parents spend days at the hospital after their baby has passed, some leave immediately and don’t return.
Some want to bathe and dress their baby after they’ve died, some request that I do that for them.
Some parents pray, some parents sing, some parents cry, some don’t cry at all, some parents get angry, some parents sit in silence.
I am genuinely, so very sorry for you loss. But I just wanted to say, kindly, that we can’t judge how other people grieve. It’s a very personal thing, whilst pain amongst those who have lost children is shared, how people express or don’t express that pain can be very different.

What a lovely thing to write ❤️

howsaboutit · 07/08/2023 21:22

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 07/08/2023 21:08

Thank you for this post. After my baby died, the (allegedly specialist) midwife tried to pressure me into bathing her. I really, really didn't want to have to wash the body of my dead child. I always thought it was because there was something wrong with me. I feel so much better about it now.

Show quote history

That made me so sad to read but I’m glad knowing others’ will have made the same choice as you has helped. Like I said, everyone reacts so differently and what might be a comfort to some could be the worst thing to another. It’s so deeply personal and it absolutely does not mean there is anything wrong with you 💐

HappiestSleeping · 07/08/2023 21:23

Sorry for your loss OP. I guess we live in a different world these days with social media and some people needing to broadcast everything on it. Personally, I don't feel the need to do this, and would probably even less so for something so personal, but that doesn't make it wrong for others to do so if they feel so inclined.

As others have said, we all grieve in different ways. I would just add that we all think and behave in different ways, so what's right for one isn't necessarily right for another.

As for the other part of your post, I don't think you have anything to blame yourself about. You weren't to know. Life is a strange thing. Cruel at times, and beautiful at others.

MillWood85 · 07/08/2023 21:26

I get you, OP, I lost my son nearly 28 years ago and it still hurts. I honestly can't imagine having posted it on SM and dealing with the fake sympathy - genuine friends would reach out and talk to you. There's something very strange about announcing a death on social media.

My Dad died in January, and I'm still wading through intense grief due to the way he died (liver cancer). I didn't post anything because I didn't feel I could expose myself to the comments.

But like others have said, we all do it our own way. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this alone Flowers

Jellycats4life · 07/08/2023 21:28

It’s OK to feel churned up @Cinnamongirlinthesand, both by the feelings this other mother’s loss has reawakened in you, but also the feeling that she is going to get more support than you did, and her son will get a bigger outpouring of love than yours did, all thanks to social media.

Whatever you feel is OK and understandable xx

MonsterCalling · 07/08/2023 21:28

I am terribly sorry for your dreadful loss, OP. Please do not judge this acquaintance. She has done nothing wrong. There is no difference between writing a post on social media and placing a death notice in a newspaper.

Screamingabdabz · 07/08/2023 21:29

I’m sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy op. I lost a parent last but I can’t imagine the grief at the loss of a child. Fwiw I agree with you about social media despite knowing that ‘everyone grieves differently’ - I can’t imagine a world where that would even be on my radar in those circumstances.

Hufflepods · 07/08/2023 21:29

A so called 'friend" on SM has recently posted, "Apologies if I'm not myself but my son died yesterday'.
Cue all the are you ok hun?
FFS when my lovely boy passed the last thing on my mind was to post on SM.The people who needed to know were told.

Are you saying she isn’t a real friend because this is how she chose to share her news?? Her actions have nothing to do with you. Maybe she wanted everyone to know at once and not have to keep telling people, maybe she’s having a breakdown and needs support.
There is no wrong or right reaction to a situation like this, don’t make her out to be a bad person because she made different decisions to you.

SunsetandCupcakes · 07/08/2023 21:30

I've not read the replies as I'm not in a place right now to be judged.

I went on SM as my son was dying, forum like this so as it was some years ago. I posted when he died. I posted as I grieved. Less than 24 hours after he went I was in PC world asking the poor bastard on the help desk to help me get a new laptop and transfer the pictures from my crappy one that was about to break.

A forum donated to his just giving page, strangers, one who still donates on his birthday, I raised thousands in his name from strangers, it all went to charity.

I'm sorry that you also lost your son, but I am angry you feel you can judge others, you should know it is a lonely and individual path we walk.

pontipinemum · 07/08/2023 21:31

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son, that is not something any parent should have to go through 😥

But I also think your friend is allowed to process how she feels, the way she would like to. Anything that can give her comfort right now even if it's a FB like is a good thing.

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