Page 6 | ... to expect us to sell the family home when the kids have grown up?

Trappedmumof3 · 2023-08-07T16:38:43+00:00

Hi, I currently live with my ex, who is the father of our 3 kids (14, 12 and 10). We split up a few years ago and I have no choice but to stay living with him in the family home until the kids have left. Yes, I know that's potentially a decade away but that's a whole other story! I want to sell the family home when the kids have moved on so that I don't have to live with my ex any more, or for him to buy me out of my half so I can get my own place. We're not married and have a joint mortgage. He totally refuses to sell the place and says the kids will want to live there in future. I asked where I am supposed to live and he says I can live in the home with them. AIBU to think that I'm entitled to my half of the value of the home and that the home should be sold? I don't think that the kids will want to live together when they're adults (with future partners/kids) and that it's normal for them to move into their own homes when the time is right. He says we're obliged to keep the home for them and that I can live there with them if I want. He thinks that I'm not entitled to have what I see as my half of the value of the house. I'd love to hear people's opinions! Thanks x

helpplease01 · 09/08/2023 08:36

I’m afraid you are going to have to tackle this head on.

Get legal advice, they deal with this scenario all the time.
consider a divorce if your married/custody It sounds like you have been controlled to the point of near helplessness. If you continue to live with this person until your children have reached 18, What have you subjected the kids to? And it could turn v nasty. RED FLAGS get away now.

Speakeasy · 09/08/2023 09:15

Go ahead and fight it as others are saying. The result will be that all you both have worked for in order to eventually provide for your children will go to the solicitors. Sure, he might lose more than you, but is such spite worth it?

You have a joint asset. Work out a way to keep it, even if that includes letting off rooms as the kids move out, or eventually both of you moving out and letting the property to fund an income for both of you to put towards either buying or renting somewhere of your own.

If you have about 10 years before all the kids are gone (if they do) then spend that time working out the best way to preserve your assets and obtain what you want.

Dillydollydingdong · 09/08/2023 09:34

Never trust a man who says "my solicitor says". He's just telling you what he'd LIKE his solicitor to say. Basically, if the house is owned in joint names(either as joint tenants or tenants in common) you can apply to court for an Order for Sale, and you will almost certainly get it. Either now or later when the DC are adult.

EmmaPaella · 09/08/2023 09:46

Echoing the posts telling you to talk to your solicitor! There is no way I would stay in my home with a ex longer than it took to prove I was separated and sell the house.

Tigertigertigertiger · 09/08/2023 10:41

Would he buy you out?

IunderstandMissHannigan · 09/08/2023 11:54

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:50

We're not married and own the house with a joint mortgage. I work but on a low salary so can't afford to move out (yet) and also don't want to leave the kids living with him as he's a crap dad. If I moved out now the kids would have to stay in the family home with him.

I truly hope you follow the advice of what other people have said here.

You should definitely book an appointment with a solicitor as soon as you can. Just phone one up today, go to the meeting and they’ll handle the details. They’re the experts - not your ex partner. A solicitor will help you apply for legal aid and keep you right on the next steps. That’ll be a massive step to take if you’ve been living in a toxic relationship (and by the sounds of it you are, even though you may not realise it yet).

Mentally, it’s a big step to take but physically, it’s so easy to do -your only job just now would be to sit in a room to discuss this with a solicitor. You could find a female one if you think it would be easier to talk to a woman. Please just pick up a phone and make an appointment.

And your children are of an age NOW that they can say where they want to live, when they want contact with the other parent and the court will consider their views. They most certainly do not “have to stay with him” as you’ve said. Definitely not.
You could also contact the council for housing and I’d suggest Women’s Aid as well who could help set you up with things you’ll need to start fresh with your kids.
You can 100% do this and you’ll look back on this in the not too distant future and realise it was the best decision you ever made. For you and your children.

Be kind to yourself and take care! Xxx

One last thing, try imagining this. Maybe it’ll help you make your decision …
imagine in 20 years time your grown up daughter comes to you for advice with the exact same problem. What would you advise her to do?
Then why not do this for yourself?

Much love from someone who didn’t think she could leave either, but somehow found the courage to just make the appointment. 10 years on and I’m happily married again, blessed with 2 more children, a happy home and refocused in my career with a first class honours degree.

You’ve got this too!! Xxxx

Doone21 · 09/08/2023 17:25

He doesn't have to see a solicitor, you do.

NellyBarney · 09/08/2023 18:35

Sorry, I didn't read the whole threat. A property can be owned 'by joint tenants' or 'tenants in common'. Now, if owned as 'joint tenants', each owner owns the whole property and so the other joint tenant cannot force them to sell, nor can they sell half of the property. So in that case, you can't do anything without his consent. If you own a property as a 'common tenant', you could theoretically sell your share in the property independently of the other, but it's very unlikely that a stranger will buy your share with the other half belonging to your ex. So it depends what the deeds say. But apart from entering into a very costly legal dispute - without his consent it will be hard to work out either way - the best you can do is to reason with him - or make so much noise/smell/loud sex with hot men that he just wants to move out.

NellyBarney · 09/08/2023 18:39

If it's on a mortgage, they'll probably want you on the mortgage though if you are on the deeds. So you could refuse to go onto the mortgage, and then your home would be repossessed if you can't repay the mortgage in full. That way you will lose out financially. You could threaten this to make your ex agree to sell, so that he doesn'tlose his own and his equity..

ellyeth · 11/08/2023 13:39

Definitely get some legal advice so you know just what your rights are.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2023 17:19

NellyBarney · 09/08/2023 18:35

Sorry, I didn't read the whole threat. A property can be owned 'by joint tenants' or 'tenants in common'. Now, if owned as 'joint tenants', each owner owns the whole property and so the other joint tenant cannot force them to sell, nor can they sell half of the property. So in that case, you can't do anything without his consent. If you own a property as a 'common tenant', you could theoretically sell your share in the property independently of the other, but it's very unlikely that a stranger will buy your share with the other half belonging to your ex. So it depends what the deeds say. But apart from entering into a very costly legal dispute - without his consent it will be hard to work out either way - the best you can do is to reason with him - or make so much noise/smell/loud sex with hot men that he just wants to move out.

if owned as 'joint tenants', each owner owns the whole property and so the other joint tenant cannot force them to sell

They can't sell the house willy nilly out from under them, I agree. OP can't just call an estate agent and list the house for sale, he would need to agree to it. But she CAN go to court and hopefully obtain a court order to force a sale. It's not uncommon in cases of 'property squabbles'.

NellyBarney · 11/08/2023 20:32

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2023 17:19

if owned as 'joint tenants', each owner owns the whole property and so the other joint tenant cannot force them to sell

They can't sell the house willy nilly out from under them, I agree. OP can't just call an estate agent and list the house for sale, he would need to agree to it. But she CAN go to court and hopefully obtain a court order to force a sale. It's not uncommon in cases of 'property squabbles'.

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Yes, of course, that's why I said hopefully they can sort it without nit becoming a court case - I said I hope that reasoning with her dh will lead to a cheaper and easier conclusion, before the stress and hassle and expense of a court case. Accessing family mediation might also be an option. But hopefully op being assertive and threatening repossession or a costly court case will motivate her ex to agree to a sale out of court.

novalia89 · 12/08/2023 11:28

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/08/2023 17:44

He may refuse to attend but I don’t see how he can stop you going. Book an appointment for yourself asap.

However if you weren’t married and your name isn’t on the house you may be on a hiding to nothing.

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That's not even true anymore because of cases where the woman has not been on the mortgage but has contributed to the household for 20 years doesn't mean that they are entitled to nothing.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 12/08/2023 17:20

novalia89 · 12/08/2023 11:28

That's not even true anymore because of cases where the woman has not been on the mortgage but has contributed to the household for 20 years doesn't mean that they are entitled to nothing.

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I’m afraid you are very wrong.

In the UK if a couple is unmarried and one party is not named on the property they inhabit then that party has no rights whatsoever to the money from that property.

20 years contribution to the household means nothing in the eyes of the law unless it can be proven that that contribution was for payment of the home (via direct mortgage payments or a deposit - bill payments, child rearing or paying for food etc doesn’t count). If a person isn’t named on the mortgage, the only financial protection comes from marriage or civil partnership. I don’t like it but unfortunately it’s true.

daisychain01 · 13/08/2023 09:52

That's not even true anymore because of cases where the woman has not been on the mortgage but has contributed to the household for 20 years doesn't mean that they are entitled to nothing.

this statement is like that myth about "common law wife", there hasn't been any change in the law, "cases" going through the courts don't themselves change the law, but can influence the narrative, the priority and the case for change.in society, including the legislation.

There was a lot of discussion about it pre-pandemic to create redress in law because unmarried women have been wronged for generations due to long term investment of contributions in the relationship by way of childcare and running the home, while the man continues to develop their career and earning potential unencumbered directly assisted and enabled by their partner's efforts.

i expect the Pandemic and the mismanagement in government has pushed this topic down the legal agenda, which is a real blow to women impacted by this issue. As normal, womens' issues are de-prioritised. I have no doubt if it was mainly men being adversely affected, it would be a very different story.