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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect us to sell the family home when the kids have grown up?

140 replies

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:38

Hi, I currently live with my ex, who is the father of our 3 kids (14, 12 and 10). We split up a few years ago and I have no choice but to stay living with him in the family home until the kids have left. Yes, I know that's potentially a decade away but that's a whole other story!
I want to sell the family home when the kids have moved on so that I don't have to live with my ex any more, or for him to buy me out of my half so I can get my own place. We're not married and have a joint mortgage.
He totally refuses to sell the place and says the kids will want to live there in future. I asked where I am supposed to live and he says I can live in the home with them.
AIBU to think that I'm entitled to my half of the value of the home and that the home should be sold? I don't think that the kids will want to live together when they're adults (with future partners/kids) and that it's normal for them to move into their own homes when the time is right. He says we're obliged to keep the home for them and that I can live there with them if I want. He thinks that I'm not entitled to have what I see as my half of the value of the house.
I'd love to hear people's opinions!
Thanks x

OP posts:
Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 22:54

JobMatch3000 · 07/08/2023 19:11

Quote: "Doesn't make any difference who is named on the deeds if she can prove equal contribution to the mortgage."

Incorrect. It makes every bit of difference to the percentage share of ownership. It depends on the share of ownership which was agreed when they bought the house.

Yes, I realise that, and it’s been mentioned several times upthread, but generally speaking if you have a joint mortgage and have contributed, you have an interest in the house. The poster I was replying to stated that it’s not a question of who is named on the mortgage, but rather who is named on the deeds, and this is not correct. Why would you agree to arranging and paying a joint mortgage if you’re not named on the deeds ?

Caroparo52 · 07/08/2023 23:09

As others said get yourself good legal advice. He's talking bollocks because it suits him. But find out for yourself how the land lies. Living with your ex for nextx10 years is horrid idea. DO NOT MOVE OUT.
If anything get him to movexoutcas you are main parent. He's scared he will have to leave and be living in a shitty flat.... tough

Stillcantbebothered · 07/08/2023 23:12

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:58

There are days when I think I can't cope with him any more and that I should get us to split the house now - the main problem with that is that one of my kids will want to stay with me, another will choose to stay with him (she'll feel bad for him otherwise) and then our third kid will have to choose which half of the family to stay with - above all else I need to put them first and I would hate for the kids to get split up.
So, I've kind of accepted that I have to stay put for now for their sake.
I just need to know where I stand, long term so that I know what I can aim for when they've grown up and gone their own ways!
Thanks for your input so far x

You obviously don’t want advice, your ignored the main advice for YOU to speak to a solicitor to confirm if and how you can force a sale and continue to focus on other things.

maddening · 07/08/2023 23:13

My friend did force sale through court.

Lifeisapeach · 08/08/2023 13:20

You need legal advice.

You absolutely can attempt a forced sale through a property adjustment order. If he had custody of the children he could argue this or defer it until such time they were 18.

definately talk to a lawyer as there are lots of things to consider

Scottsy200 · 08/08/2023 13:26

You absolutely do not have to be forced to live with your ex for the next decade, go and speak to a solicitor you can normally get half hours free advice but don’t involve him you need to do what’s in your best interests

Charlize43 · 08/08/2023 14:02

A solicitor will be able to advise you.

Won't the kids be thoroughly fed up and want a life of their own by the time they reach adulthood?

Mrsgreen100 · 08/08/2023 18:28

Most solicitors do a free 30 mins
it’s not for you both hey
just you , snd I would keep it under your hat that u have taken advice
get smart know your legal rights

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/08/2023 18:35

No - he totally refuses because he knows what a solicitor will say. He thinks you are dumber than a rock. See a solicitor by yourself and get on with it. Even a smaller house now would be preferable to living with him.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 08/08/2023 18:42

He can buy you out.

I haven’t been in this position myself but I know my mother blocked the sale of the family home until her and dad had an agreement about it. She wasn’t even on the mortgage.

go and seek your own advise

Pamalot · 08/08/2023 18:42

You need urgent legal advice. Do not tell your ex you are seeking it. You may qualify for legal aid. In fact not being married may make you more eligible for legal aid. Stop listening to his controlling crap.

Sennelier1 · 08/08/2023 18:42

I think he can't be forced to,sell his half, but you could sell your half. Theoretically. Meaning another person would own half of the property. Could live there or could rent it out.

toxic44 · 08/08/2023 19:34

He totally refuses to consult a solicitor because it is not in his interest - nothing to do with the cost of a solicitor's advice. Make an appointment yourself for yourself. See a solicitor by yourself to safeguard your individual interest. I had to do that and it's worth it.

Normalweirdo · 08/08/2023 20:01

It might feel quite overwhelming to go seek out a solicitor OP. Are there any women's aid or citizens advice or community support groups you could visit or call in your area? They would be able to give some advice, support you, tell you your rights and what, if any financial support you can get for legal advocacy. Sounds like he's trying to control and keep you there. Good luck.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 21:27

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:58

There are days when I think I can't cope with him any more and that I should get us to split the house now - the main problem with that is that one of my kids will want to stay with me, another will choose to stay with him (she'll feel bad for him otherwise) and then our third kid will have to choose which half of the family to stay with - above all else I need to put them first and I would hate for the kids to get split up.
So, I've kind of accepted that I have to stay put for now for their sake.
I just need to know where I stand, long term so that I know what I can aim for when they've grown up and gone their own ways!
Thanks for your input so far x

You can have 50/50 custody or other shared arrangements they don't have to choose who unless one of you moved v far away from their schools. Absolutely get the house sold asap this is a mad situation to be in for a decade how will you ever move on while living with him?

Crimeismymiddlename · 08/08/2023 21:47

My opinion is solicitor, then court to force a sale. He is having you on that he can’t make him sell? Or yes, you might not be able to to, but a judge can.Personally this is one of the many reasons I think marriage before any legal/child commitments, at least when you get divorced you have to make a clean break, be that selling or buying out.
Sounds like he is controlling and thinks this is a good way to keep you near him and repel men from you.

ConnieTucker · 08/08/2023 21:50

Crimeismymiddlename · 08/08/2023 21:47

My opinion is solicitor, then court to force a sale. He is having you on that he can’t make him sell? Or yes, you might not be able to to, but a judge can.Personally this is one of the many reasons I think marriage before any legal/child commitments, at least when you get divorced you have to make a clean break, be that selling or buying out.
Sounds like he is controlling and thinks this is a good way to keep you near him and repel men from you.

This. Solicitor. court. Now.

Solonge · 08/08/2023 22:34

Your partner is just hoping not to have to sell up and move. Your right as you own half to sell.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 08/08/2023 23:58

Is your name on the title deeds of the property?
(that’s not necessarily the sane thing as being on the mortgage)
If you are not, then you are unable to force the sake of the house, without a court order. And a court order is unlikely unless you are married.
You need to speak to a solicitor and get some legal advice.
If you are a SAHM, and he earns then he MAY be liable to pay your costs, but I’d start with half hour free advice and then try for mediation. It would be much cheaper and they know their stuff.

Tblendedwith3 · 09/08/2023 00:17

Contact the solicitors in your local area. Many of them offer a 30 minute consultation free of charge. This will be enough time for you to know where you stand legally.

I don’t think it’s wise for you all to continue living together. Your kids are going to grow up surrounded by resentment and unrest and with a view that all relationships look like this.
Do whatever it takes to set yourself free. It won’t be easy, but for the sake of your kids and your sanity, it will be so worth it

Jas5mum · 09/08/2023 00:23

Joint mortgage=joint home
He's being unreasonable, if he wants the house for the children then he can buy you out and keep it for them whilst you get on with your life. You can get free legal advice, a solictor will usually give you 30mins free.
Surely if you moved out you'd be entitled to universal credit for yourself and the children so you'd get housing costs as you're on a low income. (Obviously once you don't own half a house)

GoodInTheNeighborhood · 09/08/2023 00:39

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:50

We're not married and own the house with a joint mortgage. I work but on a low salary so can't afford to move out (yet) and also don't want to leave the kids living with him as he's a crap dad. If I moved out now the kids would have to stay in the family home with him.

Btw,I have 3 adult children.
No they don't ever want to move home or live here in the future.They want to start their own lives,buy their own homes and make their own memories with their own families.
Personal experience.
Good luck to you 😊

Ukrainebaby23 · 09/08/2023 04:08

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:58

There are days when I think I can't cope with him any more and that I should get us to split the house now - the main problem with that is that one of my kids will want to stay with me, another will choose to stay with him (she'll feel bad for him otherwise) and then our third kid will have to choose which half of the family to stay with - above all else I need to put them first and I would hate for the kids to get split up.
So, I've kind of accepted that I have to stay put for now for their sake.
I just need to know where I stand, long term so that I know what I can aim for when they've grown up and gone their own ways!
Thanks for your input so far x

I understand this pov. However YOU need legal advice, you could try Citizens Advice as its free but I think you'd be better off making a solicitor appointment for you. If you're no longer in a relationship, presumably he doesn't have to know where you are going when you go out.
I think you need 3 questions answering

  1. Can I force the sale now
2 will I be able to force the sale in the future
  1. Can he force me out with or without selling?
Not a nice living situation, I wish you the best.
CelestiaNoctis · 09/08/2023 05:06

Wait. So you're not going to date or do anything with your life for 10 years. You do realise you'd get them all week and he'd probably just be a weekend dad. Most men do not choose to have them all the time. Also you can live there while the house sells and then use the money to move elsewhere.

Noodles1234 · 09/08/2023 06:05

I’d sell now and escape this one!
seriously, he’s deluded, yes you can force a sale, I’d go see a solicitor on your own (without him but take a friend if you want).