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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect us to sell the family home when the kids have grown up?

140 replies

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:38

Hi, I currently live with my ex, who is the father of our 3 kids (14, 12 and 10). We split up a few years ago and I have no choice but to stay living with him in the family home until the kids have left. Yes, I know that's potentially a decade away but that's a whole other story!
I want to sell the family home when the kids have moved on so that I don't have to live with my ex any more, or for him to buy me out of my half so I can get my own place. We're not married and have a joint mortgage.
He totally refuses to sell the place and says the kids will want to live there in future. I asked where I am supposed to live and he says I can live in the home with them.
AIBU to think that I'm entitled to my half of the value of the home and that the home should be sold? I don't think that the kids will want to live together when they're adults (with future partners/kids) and that it's normal for them to move into their own homes when the time is right. He says we're obliged to keep the home for them and that I can live there with them if I want. He thinks that I'm not entitled to have what I see as my half of the value of the house.
I'd love to hear people's opinions!
Thanks x

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2023 19:20

Op, if you own half the house - half - 50/50 how CAN you think that just one party would get to make ALL the decisions? Of course they can't. You have as much right as him to decide whether it's sold or not.

Also. You may think you are doing the nice thing for your dc. And do you know, you might be, but - for their childhood only. Once they're off and finding relationship's for themselves they won't have a clue what's normal. Because they haven't been modelled it. So They'll settle. Make mistakes. Miss red flags. And that's them possibly miserable for 20/30/40 years. Stuck. Like you are.
They would exchange their 4 years of childhood with both parents, with their ability to spot the bad ones in a heartbeat.

Andthereyougo · 07/08/2023 19:22

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:44

He says I can't force him to sell the house. I don't know what the legal line is on that...

Show quote history

A solicitor will know the legal line on this which is why you, on your own, should consult one b
Your ex partner is using this business with the house to control you.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 07/08/2023 19:23

Do you want to move out soon?

It sounds like you don’t (which is absolutely fine as many people co-habit as it can be easier when you’ve got kids).

But I would use this time to focus on getting a decent salary, either by changing jobs or doing a course that will allow you to get paid more.

This means that when you want to move out you can be in a position to buy him out or get a place of your own.

He sounds quite controlling and this is his way of stopping you from leaving, which in itself is bad but you have to think about if he meets someone else and the possibility of him having more kids and they’re being able to access his inheritance.

If you want to leave sooner rather than later then he’s got no choice but to sell or buy you out.

Yes the kids may need to be uprooted but that’s something you’ll have to weigh up and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Currently they have one house to split between all of them when you both die.
If you were both to get different homes then they’d have 2 homes to split between them, so financially they’d be better off in the future.

Get yourself in a less vulnerable position.

shellyleppard · 07/08/2023 19:30

Citizens advice bureau will give you free advice and help. He's being an absolute cf. You don't need to stay with him.....get legal advice, sell up and move on with your life x good luck 🍀❤️🤞

Sothisiit · 07/08/2023 19:41

You need professional advice, are you joint owners, tenants in common or is only one of you on the deeds?
Do you both contribute equally to the mortgage? What is the equity left I the property?
Your circumstances are a bit vague so it's hard to give advice on your situation. I do however agree that being incarcerated with your ex is going do nothing for either of your sanity and we'll being.
Much better you move on and find a new happy for all involved.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/08/2023 19:43

You (singular) need to see a solicitor and get independent advice on your own.
If you arent a high earner and co habiting suits you get advice based on that.

Personally if you can tolerate cohabiting I'd be inclined to stay build equity / focus on your career and improve earnings and then force a sale when youngest goes to uni. I wouldnt discuss any of it now and not with him.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/08/2023 19:45

Under NO circumstances discuss any of this (your plans, visiting a solicitor etc) with ANYONE
Dont tell your friend, your mum, ANYONE....

gamerchick · 07/08/2023 19:54

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:42

He totally refuses as it'll cost money!

Show quote history

You need to. On your own without his knowledge OP. He's not in charge and you need to know your rights from someone who knows the law.

FpTr3952fHp · 07/08/2023 19:58

It depends on whether you are joint tenants or tenants in common.

AlexandriasWindmill · 07/08/2023 19:59

It isn't better for your DC to see you living in such an unhappy and manipulative situation. This isn't for their benefit. It sounds as though the only person benefiting here is your ex who controls you so much that you don't even think of yourself as a separate person eg when a PP said you should go to a solicitor, you automatically replied as though they'd suggested both of you should go together and you needed your ex's permission.
If you can't afford a solicitor then go to your local CAB for advice ON YOUR OWN.
Your ex is an arse. He's talking bullshit about your DCs wanting to live in the house forever and about the conditions he is going to enforce on your life forever. Honestly, you are so cowed and manipulated by him that I don't think you should even contemplate staying for another ten years. You will have lost yourself totally by then.

Banjaxx · 07/08/2023 20:01

Urgh, when you say you’re still living with him are you doing all the cooking, laundry and general housework by any chance? If you are of course he doesn’t want to sell the house he’s living the life of bloody Riley! I hope you’re not being forced to share a bed with him? How big is the house?? Are you in separate bedrooms and the kids all in their own bedrooms?

daytriptovulcan · 07/08/2023 20:03

gamerchick · 07/08/2023 17:40

I think you should probably speak to a solicitor.

Exactly that.

daisychain01 · 07/08/2023 20:08

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:44

He says I can't force him to sell the house. I don't know what the legal line is on that...

Show quote history

Once it moves into the hands of solicitors, he will have no choice, provided you joint property owners on the deeds.

he's just trying it on to frighten you, just carry on, he'll get dragged kicking and screaming even if it takes a solicitor to give him a reality check.

POWL01 · 07/08/2023 20:11

I think you need to chat to women's aid, they can help you 💐

Meowandthen · 07/08/2023 20:18

Please take expert advice. Many of the replies here are incorrect, if mostly well-meaning.

If the mortgage is in joint names, the property will be jointly owned. You have rights. Ignore his lies.

Un7breakable · 07/08/2023 20:22

You don't need to have paid into the house equally if you own the property jointly. You will get 50% unless you are Tennant's in common and you've specified a something other than 50%.

You need legal advice and as others have said do not let anyone know about this. It would also be worth getting copies of any documents and storing them somewhere off-site.

The solicitor will talk to you about forcing a sale, you generally can but there is exception if doing so would significantly adversely affect children etc in the house for example if selling would mean one or both of you wouldn't be able to find suitable family accommodation , your solicitor will be able to advise you on this.

Most solicitors offer the first 30 mins free, so ask about that when you can. Some charities can provide advice as well, and occasionally help with legal fees. If you are part of a union or similar you may have legal cover provided.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/08/2023 20:26

I don’t know for sure but I don’t think a sale can be forced before any children have finished compulsory education. Or at least he’d have a good case to not sell while they’re that age. I’m pretty sure once all the kids have left school then a sale can be forced.

KTSl1964 · 07/08/2023 20:34

If you are living separately in the house and you work part time I’m wondering if you could claim any tax credits?
also he would need to pay you maintainance if you lived separately.
how much is renting and can you afford it - check benefit entitlements - maintainance isn’t counted.
You are entitled to half - you can force a sale.
What if he meets someone?

JenWillsiam · 07/08/2023 20:54

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:44

He says I can't force him to sell the house. I don't know what the legal line is on that...

Show quote history

You can force but you will need to go to court.

Twentytwothousand · 07/08/2023 21:11

Your kids are old enough to understand separation. By the way, who’s cooking the dinners, who’s sorting the kids homework and buying their clothes. It’s you, isn’t it? That’s what you mean by “crap dad”.

Sell the house, which is your legal right, get two smaller places. Let the kids come and go as they wish. Make clear they are welcome in either place, no blame or pressure where they choose to stay. You only get one life. This relationship is over. Get on with your life. be happy.

holabiatches · 07/08/2023 21:30

it costs about £400 for you to represent yourself in applying for a court order forcing him to sell.

Zanatdy · 07/08/2023 21:32

As others have said you can take him to court to force a sale. But if you’re not wanting to do this for another 8yrs save yourself the money and do it when you want to go ahead. Rest assured he’s talking crap, a sale can be forced and people don’t just keep a family home incase their kids might want to live there one day. Do you really want to live with your ex all those years? You get one life. Increase your earning, put money aside and get out of there. You don’t have to leave your kids there, take them with you. Force the sale and then buy somewhere for yob and the kids.

TiredRetired · 07/08/2023 21:54

If he is a crap Dad you could ask him to leave the house ( a solicitor cld get a court order to force him to leave) and he will have to contribute towards the mortgage and help pay for the upkeep of his kids.
This is why you need a solicitor

Radiohat · 07/08/2023 21:59

This is insane.

You need to move on with your life.
A happy home is important for children. This sounds very sad for you and children. Making a new and happier life is better for everyone.

Your husband sounds ridiculously unreasonable. People split every day of the week and do not have to live this way.

If your children in the future were in this situation ,would you want them to do nothing or would you want them to make changes and be happy ?

Yellowflower47 · 07/08/2023 22:04

I think most people are correct in that he cannot force you to remain as the joint owner of the home and you will need to get legal advice. You will need to work out whether you can afford to get a mortgage of your own on a house large enough for you and your children IF he buys you out or the house is sold. Mortgage rates are very high currently, as I’m sure you’re aware. You could alternatively look into private renting and/or social housing (the latter to probably be unlikely given it’s always in high demand) and see whether this could be affordable with Universal Credit, if you’re eligible once living alone. OR you could play the long game and wait until your children are older, until maybe the eldest two have turned 18 and use the next few years to save and increase your income, and better your own life whilst you all live together. Plus mortgage rates will hopefully be lower by then. I’m not sure that this would be the best option as he sounds somewhat manipulative but it might be your best shot at owning your own home (depending on how much equity you have in the house). Whatever you decide to do, you are not trapped. You can get out of this and you don’t have to live with a man you no longer want to be with.