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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect us to sell the family home when the kids have grown up?

140 replies

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:38

Hi, I currently live with my ex, who is the father of our 3 kids (14, 12 and 10). We split up a few years ago and I have no choice but to stay living with him in the family home until the kids have left. Yes, I know that's potentially a decade away but that's a whole other story!
I want to sell the family home when the kids have moved on so that I don't have to live with my ex any more, or for him to buy me out of my half so I can get my own place. We're not married and have a joint mortgage.
He totally refuses to sell the place and says the kids will want to live there in future. I asked where I am supposed to live and he says I can live in the home with them.
AIBU to think that I'm entitled to my half of the value of the home and that the home should be sold? I don't think that the kids will want to live together when they're adults (with future partners/kids) and that it's normal for them to move into their own homes when the time is right. He says we're obliged to keep the home for them and that I can live there with them if I want. He thinks that I'm not entitled to have what I see as my half of the value of the house.
I'd love to hear people's opinions!
Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:58

There are days when I think I can't cope with him any more and that I should get us to split the house now - the main problem with that is that one of my kids will want to stay with me, another will choose to stay with him (she'll feel bad for him otherwise) and then our third kid will have to choose which half of the family to stay with - above all else I need to put them first and I would hate for the kids to get split up.
So, I've kind of accepted that I have to stay put for now for their sake.
I just need to know where I stand, long term so that I know what I can aim for when they've grown up and gone their own ways!
Thanks for your input so far x

OP posts:
Scentedrose · 07/08/2023 18:01

Also set a good example for your children and don't let them grow up thinking this toxicity is normal.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 18:02

You don’t need him to agree to see a solicitor, you see one by yourself and get a court order to force the sale.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/08/2023 18:03

This is fucking insane - you live with your ex in a house you both own(and are presumably both paying for) and he is saying he will never allow you to sell it?

What happens if either of you meet someone new? Or are you both supposed to live forever with each other?

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 18:03

Your children also will not thank you for martyring yourself on their behalf. You deserve a life free of them and they deserve to see how adults function in loving relationships.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 18:04

A life free of him that should say 🤦🏻‍♀️

Singleandproud · 07/08/2023 18:04

Have you properly separated now or do you still have meals together and chill out in the same space.
What happens when one of you get a partner? (which is what your ex doesn't want you to do and why he insists that you stay living together - he. Won't want anyone else to have you)

YourNameGoesHere · 07/08/2023 18:04

Scentedrose · 07/08/2023 18:01

Also set a good example for your children and don't let them grow up thinking this toxicity is normal.

Indeed!

It's not in your children's best interests to be growing up in such a messed up environment. Do yourself and them a favour and work towards selling the house and severing ties with this man.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2023 18:05

This will be awful for your children- I say this as someone who’s parents stayed together for the children

WhatAPalaverer · 07/08/2023 18:05

How much equity is there in the house? Enough for both of you to get another house/mortgage? If so it should be straightforward.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 07/08/2023 18:05

You can apply to the court for an order for sale of the house under The Trusts of Land And Appointment of Trustees Act (commonly called TOLATA). You really do need to see a solicitor.

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2023 18:07

If you continue to live in the same house but you are “separated” but on a low wage, you need to make 100% sure you are paying 50% of the mortgage costs.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 07/08/2023 18:09

By chance, a year or so back, a work colleague mentioned that she'd had to leave the home and her Husband, who had the house in his name, said she was entitled to nothing! We 'all' said not so, as they'd been married for 30 years and sent her off to a solicitor. Guess what, now in the process of selling and she knows now how he hoped she'd believe what he said (he knew all along but hoped she'd stay ignorant of her rights). Knowledge is power in this situation.

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2023 18:10

Also, can you increase your earning potential? Your DC are old enough now not to need a lot of childcare and you absolutely must prioritise your career and prospects if you are going to be able to support yourself. Do not sacrifice your career or earning potential now just because he won’t help out or put the DC first.

FOJN · 07/08/2023 18:10

OP you seem stuck in the problem at the expense of looking for solutions and you appear to believe everything this ridiculous man says without doing any research of your own. You need to change that.

He cannot force you to remain in joint property ownership with him.

Get some legal advice for yourself and then when you know your legal position you should get some financial advice to work out what kind of housing you could afford with your share of the equity and your income.

Custody of the children will be awarded on the basis of the children's best interests.

FOJN · 07/08/2023 18:16

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2023 18:07

If you continue to live in the same house but you are “separated” but on a low wage, you need to make 100% sure you are paying 50% of the mortgage costs.

I don't think that is true. They are not married so there is no formal record of a separation. They have decided they are no longer a couple but have continued to live in the same house. They own the house jointly so unless they have a legal agreement to say that one party acquires a larger share of the equity because they have paid a larger proportion of the mortgage then her ex would have to make a case in court.

ttcat37 · 07/08/2023 18:21

If you want to sell and he doesn’t then you can get a Court order and it has to be sold. Don’t let him bully you on this. Don’t push it until the time comes. If you talk too much about it now, he’s got 10 years to brainwash the kids into thinking they want to live there and you might be more uncomfortable selling if they side with him. You’ve got 10 years to save for solicitor’s fees.

Totaly · 07/08/2023 18:21

You say joint mortgage- but who’s on the deeds? That’s the ownership part.

You need legal advice and you need to sort this mess out - the children need a stable home and they don’t get to chose who they live with as most of the time it’s 50/50 anyway these days.

pilates · 07/08/2023 18:21

I think you would do more damage to your children staying in this relationship. As others have said get some proper legal advice so you know where you stand.

dawngreen · 07/08/2023 18:22

You are cohabiting not married. You needs a cohabiting form to fill in and solicitor advice asap.

Swanswimming · 07/08/2023 18:23

There's only one answer - go and see a solicitor to get some proper legal advice.
Your ex can't stop you doing this. You should also stop discussing the 'what if's' with him, his opinions are not important. The true legal position is. You don't need to tell him that you're going to a solicitor.

Firawla · 07/08/2023 18:24

Get the situation rolling to sell it now not just when they’ve grown up. Won’t be an easy process but yes you can force the sale - not only once they’ve all grown up, but now
if you prefer to wait until they’re older you can do that too but the idea of never being able to sell is crazy. He is chatting shit about that

weepingwinnie · 07/08/2023 18:29

Yet another thread where being married would have made everything so much easier. OP could have forced a sale, got at least 50% of the equity, and gone on her merry way with her children.

I know it's no use to the OP now - but to anyone else who's thinking of having children without being married: do not do it (unless you are the one who holds all the financial cards, in which case you're laughing all the way to the bank).

HarrietStyles · 07/08/2023 18:29

Don’t believe a word he says - he’s telling you what he wants to happen and is hoping you won’t realise what you are entitled to. It’s devious. Go see a solicitor in private without telling him - take all paperwork you have regarding the house. Are you married? If so you will be entitled to a percentage of shared assets/savings and maybe his pension.
You absolutely can force the sale of the house, start the proceedings now if you want to. How much equity is in the house? Would it be enough for you to put down a deposit and get a mortgage on a flat for you and the kids. The kids don’t need to pick between their parents - they can do 50% with each parent, or whatever you all agree on. Look into what universal credits or benefits you might be entitled to if you are split up and living without him. If the kids are with you more than 50% then he will need to pay some form of maintenance and you can claim the child benefit. Talk to work and see if you could increase your hours.
Just don’t believe a word he says, he is not being truthful with you. And while you are researching what you are truly entitled to, I would keep it quiet from him so he can’t spin the truth or get nasty about it.

Vintagevixen · 07/08/2023 18:32

OP you can force the sale of a house - I did it with my ex via the courts. You on your OWN need to get to a solicitor and get legal advice.