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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect us to sell the family home when the kids have grown up?

140 replies

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:38

Hi, I currently live with my ex, who is the father of our 3 kids (14, 12 and 10). We split up a few years ago and I have no choice but to stay living with him in the family home until the kids have left. Yes, I know that's potentially a decade away but that's a whole other story!
I want to sell the family home when the kids have moved on so that I don't have to live with my ex any more, or for him to buy me out of my half so I can get my own place. We're not married and have a joint mortgage.
He totally refuses to sell the place and says the kids will want to live there in future. I asked where I am supposed to live and he says I can live in the home with them.
AIBU to think that I'm entitled to my half of the value of the home and that the home should be sold? I don't think that the kids will want to live together when they're adults (with future partners/kids) and that it's normal for them to move into their own homes when the time is right. He says we're obliged to keep the home for them and that I can live there with them if I want. He thinks that I'm not entitled to have what I see as my half of the value of the house.
I'd love to hear people's opinions!
Thanks x

OP posts:
weepingwinnie · 07/08/2023 18:32

the children need a stable home and they don’t get to chose who they live with as most of the time it’s 50/50 anyway these days

A 14 year old would most definitely have a say. So would a 12 yr old, in practice.

It's better not to have child arrangement orders enforced - better to come to an arrangement between the two of you which fits the children's needs and causes them as little disruption as possible (in a very disruptive situation).

UWOT1 · 07/08/2023 18:32

You need legal advice. Some solicitors offer a free 30 minute appointment. You need to do that without anyone knowing. You don't need to make the environment anymore acrimonious than it currently is.

I presume, he doesn't think you deserve half because you have taken a career break to look after the kids and then worked PT to be avaliable after school. His opinion is irrelevant.

Are you still doing everything in the household? Cooking the meals. Doing the laundry, cleaning the mess? Are you genuinely separated? Did you know you can claim UC in your own right even if you are still living in the same house? You need to sleep in different rooms, cook your own meals and do your own shopping.

Changes to universal credit from citizens advice bureau website

If you're still living with your ex-partnerYou should still report that you've split up - you should still be able to change to separate Universal Credit claims.
You'll need to tell the DWP that you have 'separate households' even though you share an address. Explain how you're no longer living as a couple - for example if you're cooking separately, have separate finances and don't spend time together.
The DWP might also ask why you're still living together - for example if you can't afford to move out.

You need to empower yourself by doing research and getting proper advice. Knowledge is power. Do your research and smile sweetly do he has no idea.

You and your kids can't stay in this environment indefinitely. You need to separate and move on. It's really not healthy. I think your fear is getting in your way of taking big steps away from this relationship. Maybe, counselling would benefit you.

HarrietStyles · 07/08/2023 18:34

weepingwinnie · 07/08/2023 18:29

Yet another thread where being married would have made everything so much easier. OP could have forced a sale, got at least 50% of the equity, and gone on her merry way with her children.

I know it's no use to the OP now - but to anyone else who's thinking of having children without being married: do not do it (unless you are the one who holds all the financial cards, in which case you're laughing all the way to the bank).

I don’t see how being married would make it easier in any of your examples. She can just as easily force the sale and get her 50% of the equity in the home (presuming none of the deposit was ring fenced by him). In fact not being married means she can go on her merry way with the kids without the stress of a divorce.

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/08/2023 18:38

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2023 17:43

No, YOU singular need to speak to a Solicitor

Show quote history

This - YOU go.

You are the one being bullied - YOU see a solicitor and explain the situation, and find out what alternatives are available to you.

GoldDuster · 07/08/2023 18:38

You don't need his agreement in order to make yourself an appointment with a solicitor, and to arm yourself with the financial information you will need to take with you to get advice. What he wants, isn't necessarily what is best for you, bear that in mind.

Lookingatthesunset · 07/08/2023 18:39

Definitely see a solicitor and don't tell him what you are doing.

You cannot say with any degree of certainty that your kids will leave at 18. Two of mine did and are now back! Three of them between 20-26.

You need to sort this out sooner. You can't wait 10 or 20 years living like this! The kids are likely to spend 50% of their time with each parent but I doubt selfish arse will want them that much!

Nohelpfromme · 07/08/2023 18:42

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:44

He says I can't force him to sell the house. I don't know what the legal line is on that...

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And this is why you need to see a solicitor to find out what your rights are.

Riapia · 07/08/2023 18:42

So, I've kind of accepted that I have to stay put for now for their sake.

These are the same children that will put you in a home when you’re old and are no longer any use to them.
Regularly repeated on MN, your children owe you nothing.
This applies most when you are old and most need them.

DrLightman · 07/08/2023 18:45

Scentedrose · 07/08/2023 18:01

Also set a good example for your children and don't let them grow up thinking this toxicity is normal.

This

This is bonkers

LookItsMeAgain · 07/08/2023 18:47

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:44

He says I can't force him to sell the house. I don't know what the legal line is on that...

Show quote history

This is why you must engage your own, separate from your ex-husband, legal counsel. They will advise you on what you can do now, what might need to be done in a years time and what is scheduled for when the youngest reaches 18. I don't think it has to do with whatever age the kids fly the nest because that could be decades away.

You need a separate location of accommodation, preferably one that will accommodate you and the three kids. You only have 4 years (max) until the eldest turns 18 and becomes an adult in the eyes of the law. Then you may only be able to seek accommodation for you and 2 kids - which could be the difference between a 3 bedroom home and a 2 bedroom one.

Get the finger out and start getting your legal advice from someone trained in these matters instead of your shithead of an ex husband who is feeding you nonsense!

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 18:47

sunshinesupermum · 07/08/2023 17:45

You can go and see a solicitor yourself. Not sure how you stand re selling the house and splitting the money between you. Are you married? Are you named on the mortgage or the deeds?

They’re not married but the mortgage is in joint names.

MummyJ36 · 07/08/2023 18:49

This a strange situation to just sit back and accept for the next decade or so? Speak to a solicitor yourself. You don’t need his permission. Borrow the money if you need to to speak to one. I lived in a home where the the parent (and partner in this case) split up but never moved out and I can tell you hand in heart it is NO fun for kids living in this situation. Please think of them if not yourself.

NEmama · 07/08/2023 18:49

Why waste another ten years of your life. FFS. If you jointly own it get out

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2023 18:52

Who's name is on the deeds op?
To make the most of your free 30min solicitor appointment make sure you get together as much paperwork as possible, you don't need your exs approval or consent to see one.

Blueblell · 07/08/2023 18:58

He is keeping you prisoner- get legal advice straightaway!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2023 18:58

What's the sleeping arrangements op? Are you honestly sharing a room with him for another decade?

Get a boyfriend...

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/08/2023 18:59

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2023 18:10

Also, can you increase your earning potential? Your DC are old enough now not to need a lot of childcare and you absolutely must prioritise your career and prospects if you are going to be able to support yourself. Do not sacrifice your career or earning potential now just because he won’t help out or put the DC first.

Yes, this. The proceeds from selling the house will need to be carefully managed and are not a magic solution to everything; meanwhile you need to worry about your career and livelihood. What age are you?

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2023 19:01

You need to see a solicitor. You should not tell your ex about the meeting. Don’t let your ex know that you are strategizing.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 19:02

Totaly · 07/08/2023 18:21

You say joint mortgage- but who’s on the deeds? That’s the ownership part.

You need legal advice and you need to sort this mess out - the children need a stable home and they don’t get to chose who they live with as most of the time it’s 50/50 anyway these days.

If they have a joint mortgage, proof of her equal contribution is all that’s needed to establish an interest in the property, regardless of whether she is named on the deeds. Can’t see why on earth anyone would enter into a joint mortgage without this though.

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 07/08/2023 19:05

Trappedmumof3 · 07/08/2023 17:58

There are days when I think I can't cope with him any more and that I should get us to split the house now - the main problem with that is that one of my kids will want to stay with me, another will choose to stay with him (she'll feel bad for him otherwise) and then our third kid will have to choose which half of the family to stay with - above all else I need to put them first and I would hate for the kids to get split up.
So, I've kind of accepted that I have to stay put for now for their sake.
I just need to know where I stand, long term so that I know what I can aim for when they've grown up and gone their own ways!
Thanks for your input so far x

Then speak to a solicitor. I don’t think we can be any clearer.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 19:06

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2023 18:52

Who's name is on the deeds op?
To make the most of your free 30min solicitor appointment make sure you get together as much paperwork as possible, you don't need your exs approval or consent to see one.

Doesn't make any difference who is named on the deeds if she can prove equal contribution to the mortgage.

Chickpea17 · 07/08/2023 19:06

No way is this healthy for the children they won't thank you for it in the long run.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 19:08

Riapia · 07/08/2023 18:42

So, I've kind of accepted that I have to stay put for now for their sake.

These are the same children that will put you in a home when you’re old and are no longer any use to them.
Regularly repeated on MN, your children owe you nothing.
This applies most when you are old and most need them.

Wow, that’s a pretty screwed up viewpoint. My mum is 92 with advanced dementia and I wouldn’t dream of putting her in a home - she lives with us and is an integral part of our family.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2023 19:10

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2023 19:01

You need to see a solicitor. You should not tell your ex about the meeting. Don’t let your ex know that you are strategizing.

This x 100000000000.

Whatever you do, do NOT let him know that you have learnt he's filling you full of shit. Let him believe he has you buffaloed, or if he is really under the misapprehension that he cannot be forced to sell, keep him that way. Keep quiet, see a solicitor.

One thing I would do ASAP would be to check he hasn't done any 'funny business' with the deeds. A friends DD is trying to unravel this in her divorce. Apparently her bastard ex changed the deeds when they put the house in a family trust as part of estate planning. We don't completely understand but the house is now in 'XXX Family Trust' with HIM as the sole trustee.

I don't get what he's getting out of this, why he'd want to basically 'hold you captive', in a house you don't want.. Does he not want to 'let you go'?

JobMatch3000 · 07/08/2023 19:11

Quote: "Doesn't make any difference who is named on the deeds if she can prove equal contribution to the mortgage."

Incorrect. It makes every bit of difference to the percentage share of ownership. It depends on the share of ownership which was agreed when they bought the house.