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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 09/08/2023 07:15

@Lilacriver I think you sound lovely and thoughtful, so many people here expect gp’s to practically give up their lives to look after their dc’s with no consideration at all. No one should HAVE to give free childcare and a lot of people can’t afford to anyway. I don’t think your friends have given you good advice as they have made you question you not taking your parents for granted.

Mumto6ac · 09/08/2023 07:17

Totally agree that it’s fine to pay grandparents a token sum to look after a grandchild. 3 days a week is a lot to give up & the money will probably be spent on treats or saved for the child anyway. I think you’re being very fair to offer payment & it’s up to them whether or not they accept

user1492757084 · 09/08/2023 07:18

I would ask them.
It will be cash so what are you allowed to give?
If they don't want payment they should at least have all expenses plus some in cash - all food, petrol, coffee money, library fees, zoo entrance etc for everything they do with the child. I would also pay for a monthly meal out with them.

Keep the family fun times happening and not just see them as carers.

itchyscalp · 09/08/2023 07:21

When my son was young I always paid my MIL.

To be fair, she'd given up a little part time job to have him after school every night so I felt it was only fair.

I paid slightly less than the going rate but I wanted to be able to pay my own way. Also, if you pay you can't be seen as taking advantage and can then ask for occasional help with other things.

CoffeeLover90 · 09/08/2023 07:25

I would have offered too. My parents aren't in a position to provide regular childcare but I'm sure they would refuse. I'd still cover travel costs etc.
Have a look on Martin Lewis money site, he did mention something a while ago about family being able to top up NI contributions, if providing a certain amount of childcare. I can't remember exactly, but maybe worth a look.

PeloMom · 09/08/2023 07:26

If it’s set days and times, especially full/ longer days instead of nursery, I’d definitely offer payment. If it’s sporadically a couple of hours here and there- at a time convenient for them- it’s a different thing. Especially if your expectation is for them to fully focus on your child while in their care (play, stimulation, etc) and not just put in a playpen most of the time and cook, watch tv etc.

Icequeen01 · 09/08/2023 07:27

Ohdofuckofdear · 09/08/2023 06:10

I'm a Grandparent and no I'd never expect to be paid, I love spending time with my Grandson he's a lovely little boy and I'd honestly think it was really strange if my DD thought she had to pay me.

But you must financially be in a position to do this. My DM was still working in her early 60's because she was divorced and had to. She jumped at the chance to look after my DS from when he was 6 months until he was a young teen but she was only able to do this because I paid her. It worked out beautifully for us both. Please don't look down on GC who are not as financially secure as perhaps you are.

Icequeen01 · 09/08/2023 07:27

Sorry GP not GC!

LeedsMum87 · 09/08/2023 07:31

How about just paying for expenses? I.e. Food, nappies, fuel etc.
Our daughter goes to nursery so I’m not in your position but my Mum did used to look after my nieces and nephew a lot when they were little and she would mention how much she was spending on extra food etc and was never compensated by my sister.

Imisssleep2 · 09/08/2023 07:38

In your position I would certainly offer to pay, but as the grandparent if I didn't need the money which I assume they don't if not working anyway then I would decline. I think it's polite to offer, but if they say no just accept it and treat them to the odd meal and make sure you pay for any activities they do while caring for your child I guess.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 09/08/2023 07:44

I don't think using GP as regular childcare is a good idea, but of course it depends on how reliable they are, how is their health and how flexible your job is. What happens if the GP are ill? Is your work flexible enough that you can just take a day off? My MIL used to watch our kid for one hour a week (on a day that we could not work out the drop off/pick up times from the after school club) and it was a nightmare, half the time something would come up or she wasn't feeling great so that stopped pretty quickly. Then when she suggested she'd look after our child if we pay her instead of the nursery I just explained I didn't think it was a good idea because I can't be asking for days off if she was not available and well. Luckily there was not a fall out but definitely better to pay an established nursery IMO.

Northernsoul72 · 09/08/2023 07:44

If they are happily doing so and not giving up too much of their own time, I think I would give them a nice monthly treat eg meal out. As your child gets older I would also provide a bit of money for soft play, swimming, ice creams or what ever little expenses might occur. There are no rules, all families are different and I'm sure you will find your own way.

MeridaBrave · 09/08/2023 07:46

Overthebow · 07/08/2023 14:02

I think if you pay them they have to be registered as childminders.

If they are caring for the baby in their homes yes. Not if it’s in your home, then they are a nanny who doesn’t need to be registered.

Catxxxxxxxxxx · 09/08/2023 07:46

I think its disgraceful that some people are saying you shouldn't offer as they should want to do it for free. How entitled? Like OP said its basically a full time job so doing it 3 days a week fully committed is like asking them to take on a part time job. Yes you absolutely should offer to pay them something while still saving on childcare costs. If they refuse the money thats their choice and you should accept that. But EXPECTING people to care for you child for free is unbelievable. Well done for being a decent person

Wemetatascoutcamp · 09/08/2023 07:50

I work 2 days a week, my mum does 1 day and MIL does the other.
We don’t pay them but know they both used grandparents as free childcare when they were working so don’t think either of them would dream of accepting money even if we offered.
However equally don’t think there’s anything wrong if you want to offer even if its just enough to ensure their not out of pocket.

Whataretheodds · 09/08/2023 07:52

feemcgee · 07/08/2023 14:08

I think it was a nice thing for you to offer, and I wouldn't judge them at all for accepting money. You're showing them that you are grateful for their help and that you value them. Looking after a baby for three days is a lot of work and some people seem to take it for granted that their parents should just do this.

Totally agree.

yaboreme · 09/08/2023 07:56

They are grandparents but it isn't your right to free childcare. I think an offer of something would be nice.

I don't pay my sons grandparents, but they come to my house to look after him and I'll always make sure they have the fridge stocked and make a nice meal before they leave (usually a slow cooker recipe) it's not expected but I know they appreciate it.

gogomoto · 09/08/2023 08:01

It's common to give grandparents money in my experience, not everyone is retired , I know plenty who gave up pt work to care for grandkids. You have to watch the legalities though - in your home it's fine, at their home in theory they should be registered though I personally don't know anyone who does. The person I know currently who does this puts money on a prepaid credit card for groceries and childcare costs, only one day a week plus 2 overnights (she's a nurse) so she loads up £150 a month for them

gogomoto · 09/08/2023 08:03

And don't forget if you are under retirement age and not otherwise working you can claim ni contributions if looking after a grandchild

UndercoverCop · 09/08/2023 08:06

We didn't pay, they wouldn't accept it, they said they were happy they got to spend time with DS. Even so we didn't want them to be out of pocket so we did get them each a local parking permit (seaside town so parking is expensive) an annual pass to a local animal attraction and DS also had an annual pass to soft play, his swim club also allowed him to swim free any other time with a supervising adult, you also don't pay for, which meant there were activities they could do in addition to park, beach etc which wouldn't cost them anything. We left £50 in a pot in the kitchen and told them it was there for anything, lunch out, ice creams, cinema etc and expected to top it up each week.
He's about to go to school and they won't be having him for whole days anymore and the money hasn't been touched in nearly 5 years.

We also provided a car seat for them to use when they had him and installed it for them. They always had DS at our house as there is lots to do locally and they both live over an hour away so we couldn't have got DS to them and got back for work locally in time. So there was no need for additional equipment for their houses.
Initially each grandma had him once a week then when nursery hours increased at 3, they changed to one day alternate weeks but have him more in the holidays. PIL just took him away for 5 days.

katepilar · 09/08/2023 08:09

I think its a British thing to pay GPs to look after a grandchild. I think its kind of cultural too, as its very common to hire nannies, aupairs etc to look after a child.

UndercoverCop · 09/08/2023 08:10

@Moreorlessmentallystable that's not my experience, we've only had one incident in nearly 4 years where MIL was unable to care for him as expected (fell off a horse) but my mum stepped in for a couple of weeks. They did a day each for two years and alternate one day a week since.
We've had more issue with DS not being well on nursery days and not being able to go, whereas grandmas would still have him when poorly.

AngelinaFibres · 09/08/2023 08:14

I look after my grandson ( 16 months old) one day a week ( I'm 58 and a retired primary school teacher). I absolutely love having him and don't want any payment. My DIL works 3 days (Mon - Wed) and dgs comes on a Monday. I have him on other days/ parts of days to give my son and DIL free time if I am available. I have the rest of the week to do my things/ go on holiday etc. Three days a week is a huge commitment. I couldn't offer that. That will be very tiring for your childs grandparent Op and a big chunk out of their week. Are they doing one week on ,one week off ? If so that's a bit easier I suppose . Are you providing toys,high chair ,nappies etc for each house. That's a lot of money to layout at the start and a pain to drop off and collect each time. We fitted stair gates at the bottom of the stairs and in a doorway with a big step down. They were a financial outlay to buy and fit but were essential. Are you paying for that sort of thing?

Goldbar · 09/08/2023 08:17

I would definitely give a regular, generous payment to cover 'expenses' so that everything is covered with some leeway without them feeling they have to ask for money.

Batalax · 09/08/2023 08:27

They shouldn’t be out of pocket so offer to cover those expenses. Then treat them occasionally to show appreciation. So not paying wages as such.