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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
JustAnotherOpinion123 · 08/08/2023 23:51

The rule we are putting in place when our first baby arrives this winter is that we won't compensate for one off babysitting days/evenings but any longer term commitments we would offer grandparents money.
I've already started discussing childcare with my mum as I know she's keen to help and as she works term-time, she'll be a massive help during the school holidays. But I'm very aware that she would need to turn down the adhoc paid work she does during the holidays so I will definitely be paying her for it. Nothing to do with her not loving the child enough to do it for free; I'd be reducing her income by using her for free childcare and honestly she gave up more than enough of her income and time when raising me and my brother!

lupeds · 08/08/2023 23:54

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 07/08/2023 14:22

£20 a week?! Where do you live? Jaysus.

Show quote history

In 1986, apparently

JudgeRudy · 09/08/2023 01:21

There's no right or wrong answer. Personally I wouldn't offer to regularly look after a child but I might help out if you was stuck. Conversely I wouldn't dream of letting someone commit to regular childminding for free.
For me, it would depend on how often it was happening. If it was one day a week I'd just consider that spending the day with nanna. Anything more than that I'd consider it a task/commitment and expect something in return. Is it possible to let each nanna have a day each (for free) and use a childminder for the 3rd day?
Also don't make this your dilemma alone. Presumably dad is on the scene too. You need childcare not because you're going to work but because neither of you are available.

NoThanksymm · 09/08/2023 01:37

def offer!!

it’s a job. You know your kid will be better taken care of and loved by them.

the pay will like you said probably be spent on your kid. But it will also allow your Parents more financial freedom, and they could do more fun things. It will really be better for anyone.

even if they say no I would e-transfer them weekly. Don’t abuse your parents!

i can’t believe all the AH on here just expecting it!!

Happyhappyday · 09/08/2023 03:46

We don’t pay my parents and I haven’t offered. I think they’d think it was super weird. But they mostly do the odd day/week and have literally millions of £ and low expenses so definitely do not need the money. I don’t offer to pay for activities they do with DC but also don’t expect any activities.

DH’s family would be absolutely mortified if we offered to pay them to look after DC. But also very well off so money would not be a factor.

My mum is really funny if we cancel though, she gets very annoyed that she reserved the time.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 09/08/2023 04:20

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 23:09

Do you treat them at all @DaisyAndDonaldDuck as a thank you?

As I have said repeatedly, we all help each other out.

Segway16 · 09/08/2023 05:17

The level of entitlement!

I would happily pay if my parents showed any interest in watching my children even on an ad hoc basis.

I think it is incredibly sad when a grandparent won’t or doesn’t want to help out at all.

However, help from a grandparent isn’t a right or an entitlement. A regular arrangement like this is very kind and a real commitment, offering a payment (even as a token thank you) is the right thing to do, if OP can afford it.

Riapia · 09/08/2023 05:57

Could cause some issues if one accepts payment and the other doesn’t.

Paternosta · 09/08/2023 06:08

Looking after children costs money so at the very least you should be paying their expenses to buy extra food, trips out etc.
Just ignore your friends and do what feels right. It's a big commitment in their part so if you want to offer pay them a bit more for their trouble there's nothing wrong with that.
No need to register as they are family.

Ohdofuckofdear · 09/08/2023 06:10

I'm a Grandparent and no I'd never expect to be paid, I love spending time with my Grandson he's a lovely little boy and I'd honestly think it was really strange if my DD thought she had to pay me.

Kerri44 · 09/08/2023 06:12

My mum took semi retirement when my son was born in 2017 to look after him 2 days and my husband dropped 3hrs and did 34 hrs over 4 days to look after him my 3rd working day as it was less then nursery, my mum has never took payment, she now looks after our 15mth old too, I do book them nights away for birthday and Christmas

Codlingmoths · 09/08/2023 06:15

I can’t get around the entitlement of people who expect grandparents to want to do all day childcare and are also horrified at the idea of paying them. Grandparents are people. Childcare is hard work. Grandparents aren’t all comfortably off.

elzza951221 · 09/08/2023 06:17

Hi Op, I had the same situation as you but with my sister (who was already a stay at home mum)
I felt like I would be taking advantage if I didnt pay her something for doing me such a huge favour and saving me so much money on childcare!
In the end we settled on £30 a week for the 3 days.
In all honesty, at least 90% of that gets spent on my DC but thats up to her, at least she can get herself a treat each week if she wanted to for her hard work as its not easy looking after someone elses DC (eventhough she absolutely loves it, she would happily do it for free but I really insisted)
Hope this helps!

bowiesmum · 09/08/2023 06:22

We paid my dm and dmil to mind our dc. They are both living alone and could do with the money. It was only a token and they refused initially but we insisted. I'd never expect them to do it for free. I'm shocked people just expect free childcare and are questioning you even offering!

My dm minds my brothers kids and drives me mad that they don't pay her something. She could really do with the money and they have no childcare expenses. Even 50 Pw would make a huge difference to my dm

bowiesmum · 09/08/2023 06:23

If they don't accept money, I would buy them a few vouchers once a month for a meal or salon etc something they can't spend on grandchild

ACTIVE123 · 09/08/2023 06:27

My in laws and my mum shared childcare for me when I went back to work 3 days. I paid them expenses - petrol for the in laws who had to travel, got them food in they'd like, etc. Treated them to meals out now & then to say thanks. But I dont think they'd have accepted payment as such as like everyone has said its their grandchildren and I know both of them loved having that one on one time with their grandchild creating special memories.

Mummingit85 · 09/08/2023 06:27

I will never understand the sense of entitlement some people have with regards to their children. Why should grandparents be expected to give up their time and energy to look after their grandkids? And then to say that it would it would be wrong for them to accept payment? They are providing you a service, they aren’t spending a couple of hours with their grandkids, they’re providing childcare for an entire day/days.
If I were fortunate enough to have family members willing to look after my baby and avoid putting them in a nursery I would be having a serious chat with them about how they would like the arrangements to work, rather than listening to selfish friends who obviously think their parents owe them something

ithinkhesawus · 09/08/2023 06:29

Stop telling your friends so much!

I don't pay my mum but I do give her money to cover some of the expenses - food etc

MorningOclock · 09/08/2023 06:37

Yes I give my Mum money to have my little one but it’s more so to cover costs plus a bit extra here and there, by the time they’ve been to soft play or a group (all at least £7) plus meals / snacks, it really adds up. Not to forget all the bits and bobs at home like colouring, play dough etc.

Coolmom81 · 09/08/2023 06:42

This is not true. You can pay whoever you like! It’s just if your receiving government help to pay childcare costs that you wouldn’t be able to claim it back.

MorningOclock · 09/08/2023 06:44

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 15:28

I also forgot to mention that my DM is doing 3 days a week and my MIL will do the odd couple of days a month. MIL wants to have him but she’s 65 and doesn’t want to commit to a full time thing which is understandable!
So technically my mum will be doing say 12 ish days a month, she will be missing out on all her clubs.

This is a lot of childcare, I would insist on giving something as your Mum. I base it around pre school costs which are reasonable at £30 per day.

Petal12 · 09/08/2023 06:52

My children are a little older so back in the days when childminders were £4 an hour or so. My mum gave up her retail job to look after my first born 4 days a week whilst I went back to work. We paid her the childminder rate plus petrol and expenses whilst out with our child. I felt I was getting the service of a nanny (came to our house) at a childminder rate with the love of a grandma - was a bargain to me! Plus it never mattered if my child was ill and reliability was worth a lot in my job. It was more hours work for my mum than her retail job for not much more money but I was always very clear that I wanted her to do normal stuff with my children - if she wanted to go and do her food shop, meet a friend for coffee or have a friend round, do her own errands etc etc. It worked very well and covered the gap financially until her pension kicked in. I credit her totally with my children’s manners, reading and social skills - it was good for her too after caring for my dad before he died. She made other granny friends at playgroups and enjoyed meeting up with them. If I’d been on Mumsnet back at that time I probably would have done a post about how she used to annoy me as I would come home to a complete mess of a house but the reality was she just literally played and cared for my kids all day with no care for the washing up. I can now see the dedication and love she put into them rather than my hurried version, always with an eye on the housework. She was more than worth the money I suppose 😉

BottomFishBananas · 09/08/2023 06:55

I gave my parents ‘petrol money’ when they looked after my babies 2 - 3 days per week.
They refused to be paid but finally agreed to a nominal amount when they knew I really didn’t want them to be out of pocket.

Icequeen01 · 09/08/2023 06:56

My DM looked after DS from 6 months until he was a young teen. I paid her as she gave up her job to do it. It worked perfectly as she was early 60's and was finding working as a care assistant in a care home was getting too much for her so it was a win win for us.

AuntMarch · 09/08/2023 06:57

I didn't pay, it was one day a week because my parents asked to have him. My mum was working 4 days a week so didnt change anything for her work wise, we had lived with them and they missed him!
I offered money to cover expenses and almost offended her, so I paid that into his savings instead, she was happy with that.

The rest of the time he went to a child minder.
I'm a single parent so I can claim back a big chunk of childcare fees, I couldn't do that with an unregistered carer though, so offering any more than expenses wasn't really feasible for me.